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Recently, I was involved in a discussion with the Good Men Project’s Sex, Love, Etc. convo-cast on breakups and ghosting. Callers were divided when one member wondered why his ex-girlfriend continued to call, make plans, check in via text and send him memes despite their break-up over six months ago. He was befuddled and admitted that he’d like to get her back. Well, this caused a ruckus! A few people advised that he cut and run, whereas he continues to have loving, strong feelings for her. Someone else said he’s being kept as a last resort… He stated that he’s confused about her actions but her words say something different.
So, what would you do?
Meet her in person to ask her back officially?
Meet her in person to break it off?
Slip away (ghost)?
Call or text to inquire about her intentions and yours?
I know there are slim details, but here’s what else I know. They dated for six months. They’ve been apart for six months, but talk nearly every day. Each of them makes plans with the other, but there’s no longer physical contact or emotional intimacy.
Like I mentioned, the caller wouldn’t mind getting back together. He believes she’s dating other people, but they don’t talk about this. He’s not seeing anyone else, and hasn’t. Some women on the call were angry! They felt like this gentleman was being taken advantage of. They advised he stop talking to her immediately. I asked if he knew why she kept him around. Unsure, he said they had become good friends, but he still wanted more. So, did he need to meet with her in person?
Firstly, I think it’s important to listen and learn what they want, not just expose what you would do! Over the call, he changed his mind and realized he was ready to end this iteration of their relationship. Would he have to tell her? Eek!
Some callers thought he’d need to tell her in person. I disagreed. Why? They’ve already had their break-up talk. They’re not together now. He’s not getting what he wants (a relationship). So, the next time he hears from her, he could say he’s not interested in this type of relationship.
Why do people ghost? Have you ever done it? What’s considered ghosting? Is it ghosting if you’ve had one or two dates? A couple people shared horrendous examples of being ghosted after year+ relationships where they were looking at engagement rings! If that’s not brutal…
Feeling sensitive about this, these people were very confused as to why this happened to them. Did they do something to elicit this type of behavior from their significant others? Equally concerning to them was the worry that this would happen again in future relationships. So, how does one proceed? I’d say with trust that this was an anomaly and that’s not the best person for you. If you need a thorough communicator and your partner ghosts, is that not unlike leaving in the middle of the night? It feels crappy, disconcerting, you lose faith in humanity.
We have to think about ghosters. Perhaps these are individuals who feel fear when thinking about talking to you. They don’t have a strong ability to handle honest encounters. Typically, they ghost because their own ego strength is not well-developed. Likely, you haven’t done anything to warrant this type of meta communication. Instead, realize you saved yourself from something deeper, stronger and you’ve been given a gift. If you’d continued with this person, other issues would come up. Now, when you’re being ghosted, you can thank this person for helping you open your eyes to someone with whom you’re really not compatible.
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