Do You Know the Impact You’ve Left?

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There were other ways to go about achieving your goal. Really, there were so many other ways. That’s why I don’t understand why you decided that the route you were going to choose was one that would absolutely break me.

So apparently your short temper was all an act. Apparently, you did it so that I wouldn’t get hurt. Apparently, you made me feel anxious and scared on purpose so that I would break up with you (I assume because you didn’t have the heart to).

And if baffles me, you know? It baffles me so, so much that you were so extremely willing to absolutely destroy me the way you did.

Do you know what you did to me? Do you know the impact you’ve left? Don’t worry, I will spell it all out for you.

Now I’m scared of messaging my best friend and my Kor because I’m scared of messing up. I’m scared of saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, having the wrong tone. I’m scared of them suddenly turning from nice people into monsters because that’s what you did. You were an absolute sweetheart one moment and the next, fear had my body crippled against the bed.

Now my fingers tremble when I send a message. What do I type? How do I phrase it? Will I offend the other person? Will the other person snap at me? Would it be better to let the other person message me first? And sometimes I simply choose not to text anybody because if I don’t text anybody, the possibility of me getting screamed at is essentially 0, isn’t it?

Now I wake up every morning, anxious about how the day will go even though we are no longer together. I wake up every morning wondering who I will anger. I wake up every morning wondering if I will mess up again, if I will screw my whole life up, if I will get hurt. Every morning I wake up anxious and scared.

Every night I think through all the things that have happened and wonder about whether I said anything to offend anybody. I analyze all I’ve said and all I’ve done and every single reaction received. I pick out even the tiniest mistake on my part and hate myself for it. I hate myself for it because I always feel like everything I do will mess my whole life up. All my relationships, all my friendships everything.

There were other ways. There really were. But you chose the way that would break me.

You chose the way that would utterly destroy my self-esteem and confidence. You chose the way that instilled fear in me and that keeps me up at night and keeps me in bed in the mornings.

I hate you for it.

I hate you for hurting me like this. I hate you for destroying so much of myself that I spent years to build up.

I hate it.

Backstory: My ex’s lung is messed up and he decided for me that it would be better for me to not be with him. And instead of simply breaking up with me, he broke me.

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Originally Published on Medium

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Photo Credit:  Pixabay