There are two types of couples when dealing with fights: one who sits down and talks it through even if it’s painful, and another one is who ignores it, puts everything under the rug, and pretends everything’s fine.
I used to be the second one, and so did my partner. We didn’t talk about it as if nothing has happened before. The next day will be just another day. That one habit eventually broke us up. We couldn’t pretend anymore, and the issue had grown bigger than we could anticipate.
But in my defence back then, I didn’t know how to have a fair fight. And so was my partner. We came from a family whose background refuses to believe a healthy communication skill is what makes the relationship long last. And we weren’t alone on this. Many relationships fail when they don’t know how to be respectful during the fight.
It took me going for multiple therapy sessions to understand the concept of having a fair fight. While it’s not easy to apply it, if you keep working on it (instead of refusing to discuss the problem), you and your partner will eventually have a clear idea of handling and solving any issue more healthily.
Stick with One Problem at a Time
I dated someone in the past who likes to bring up past problems when we were fighting. It’s annoying and disappointing because that behaviour only added more problems and we both felt more stressed than we were supposed to.
Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up old issues during the fight, especially when you feel like it’s still related to what you are both arguing about. However, understand that it’ll only make the situation worse.
So try your best to stick to one problem at a time. On the other hand, this will also give you less pressure for the relationship to survive during hard times like this.
Avoid Yelling and Calling Names
You know these types of couples. They are loud, and most of the time, they don’t care where they are and how many people are looking at them arguing about stupid things.
Once I saw one couple yelling at each other on the street. It wasn’t a pleasant event to see. People had to stop them because it’s very disturbing.
Some people like to think that yelling and calling names during the fight will make them feel better.
They want to let out all of their anger. But they forget that the more they do it, the less respect they’ll have towards their partner.
Healthy couples know how to stay respectful even during their biggest fight. It’s one of the recipes to keep the relationship last long. When you respect each other, you’ll be more determined to make the relationship work rather than arguing for the sake of it.
Know What You Want from Your Partner
Before you even start the argument, it’s much better to sit down and talk to yourself. It’s important to know what you want from your partner. Most times, fights in a relationship happen because of some misunderstanding from both parties.
This happened to me a lot more when my partner and I lived together last year. I wanted him to help me around the house more because I was doing a night shift job at that time. But I wouldn’t figure that out if I didn’t ask the question earlier to myself. All arguments would have been me proving that I was right and he was wrong.
Being transparent with what you want will also help your partner understand where you are coming from. So the fight isn’t about attacking each other — it’s about communicating the expectations and come with a win-win solution.
Avoid Stonewalling During the Fight
An article on Psychology Today explained how aggressive stonewalling could ruin a perfect relationship.
“Different from an occasional timeout to calm down or collect your thoughts, stonewalling is an absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.”
So instead of pushing your partner away during the fight, be willing to talk about it. It can be painful and stressful — we all have been there where all we want to do is get out and leave.
But again, if you want the relationship to work and grow, you have to talk it out.
Compromise and Understand Your Partner’s Point of View
Last but not least, when you are done communicating all of your expectations and disappointments toward your partner respectfully, now it’s time to come up with a solution.
Most relationships fail because they refuse to compromise during this step. They feel like their partner should be understanding by now, and all changes should be made from their end — not both.
This eventually will trigger another fight which never ends well. So before you are fixed with a solution in your head, try to listen to what your partner will say and see if you agree with them.
Although this concept isn’t new to me, I still find this compromising part tricky whenever a fight occurs. It takes so much to let go of all of the egos, but it’s always worth it.
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Parting Words
“A bad fight is anything which does not help to move the relationship, and the people involved forward. If one dominates the other, it will eventually be at the expense of the relationship.” — Donna Goddard, Love’s Longing.
It’s easier to fall in love and date someone new, yet it’s a lot harder to make the relationship works for the long term. My past dating life just proved it.
Couples tend to call it quits when it gets complicated — all the fights and the misunderstandings. I honestly don’t believe that there’s someone out there perfectly made for you. It’s all about sticking it out when you feel like there’s no way out.
And knowing how to have a fair fight with your partner is one of the ways to reach that healthy relationship goal.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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