How To Stop Magnifying Someone You Like

I don’t fall for someone easily, but when I do, I immediately bombard my friends and family about how perfect the girl is. “I’ve never met someone so compatible.” “She gets me like no other.” “She’s different from the rest. Women like her are rare.”

After the oxytocin wears off, I realize just how ordinary they really are. I hate to admit it, but I place girls on a pedestal because I craved someone to love me, someone to think about. I needed a purpose, a sense of hope, and a place for my heart to land. This manufactured affection made me needy and is the very reason I get rejected. Or worse, I end up tolerating disrespect while believing everything is my fault in a relationship — because I thought my partner was too good for me.

Being desperate for love causes us to idealize a person we don’t yet know well. It not only leads to unrealistic expectations but we also lower ourselves for someone who hasn’t done much to earn our affection. To avoid this, there are a few things we can try.

Romance is only a portion of your colorful life

Wanting love differs from needing love. Needing love usually means you’re deficient in a certain area of your life, whether it’s your career, social life, hobbies, goals, or a combination of them. Relentlessly swiping on dating apps because you’ve got nothing better to do shows a lack of balance in your life. Even if dating is the number one priority, it should be far from the only thing on your mind. Your tunnel vision on finding security in a partner robs you of many interesting experiences that life offers.

When you have many things going on, to the point where it becomes difficult to squeeze time for daydreaming or even going on dates, you’ll stop making someone a bigger deal than they really are.

You fall in love easier when feeling vulnerable

You often fall too for someone too quickly because you’re lonely, bored, or going through difficulties in life. You become more interested in them than you should have because they were there for you at the right place, right time.

Sometimes your vulnerability turns into affection. I remember meeting my ex and not being sure about how much I liked her. As I was still observing her, I ran into legal troubles. Terrified of being convicted, I leaned on my ex emotionally, and that reliance eventually turned into a commitment. In the end, I realized that wanting someone when I’m in a fragile state is dangerous because my decision to be with them comes from a cry for help, not out of genuine attraction.

Having low self-esteem isn’t good timing to date because you exaggerate how much you actually like the other person. A big part of the reason you desire them is to save you from feeling worthless.

Think about them in moderation

One of the best things about dating is fantasizing. You think about how your date will go before meeting them, whether you guys will kiss. You replay your fun evening after going home. You picture the two of you on a weekend getaway. When you’re in love, thinking about someone can be just as much of an adrenaline rush as physically being with them. You remember the good much more than the bad—you sugar code the experience. You might even make things up.

However, the more you allow them to dominate your head, the more likely you’ll overemphasize this person. Prince charming and goddess only exist in the imagination, not in reality. It’s hard to make the distinction in your head between true attraction and overindulgence when you spend too much time drooling over them.

Shift from romantic love to self-love

Self-love is the biggest reason you prematurely obsess over someone. People who don’t know how to find love from within are desperate to seek them from others. As soon as they find someone barely acceptable, they jump onto the sinking ship, believing it’s their life-saver. Or when they find someone who meets all of their qualifications, they’ll perceive them to be “the one.”

A few months ago, I spent an unhealthy amount of time researching women’s psychology, figuring out how to meet their demands as a man. I studied every alpha male technique in the book. I thought it was the path to successful dating life and ultimately a happier life. At some point, I realized that how unreliable and fragile relationships can be. And that it was more important to build a fulfilling life on my own instead.

To rely on someone else for your joy, to place all your hope into another person, to wait and wonder why they didn’t respond to your text is self-defeating because people will disappoint as much as they satisfy you. No matter how great of a person they are.

The true solution doesn’t sound very exciting, but it’s the reality — external love is a bonus, self-love is a requirement.

Magnify yourself instead

Overestimating a potential partner is a result of not investing enough in yourself. You depend on them to save you from misery as opposed to taking that responsibility yourself. But why are they so great? Why are they so perfect for you? Why can’t you as just as awesome? Why can’t you be someone else’s hero? Partners come and go. Even spouses aren’t likely to stick around forever.

You’re the person who requires all of your love and attention — first foremost.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything