Love is the central mystery of life. You never know when you really fell for a person. Yet it’s one of those things you don’t get to choose. Love chooses you. Sure, you can ignore or walk away from it anytime you wish but you can’t decide who you fall in love with. It just happens.
You allow love to fill you to overflowing, and then you reach out and give it away. The trouble is, you can’t see inside the head of the other person or into their heart. How do you cope if you fell in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable?
We define a person who is emotionally unavailable as unwilling or unable to commit emotionally to an intimate relationship. They want to keep things casual and undefined, perhaps due to fear — fear of being in a controlled relationship, fear of losing themselves, fear of intimacy. To love an emotionally unavailable partner can be deeply traumatizing and hurting.
The red flags are subtle. By the time your partner shows signs of emotional detachment, you might already have deeply invested in the relationship. However, it’ll be obvious that the one thing you need most is missing. You’re deprived of real intimate love. You’re left standing at the crossroad wondering what’s going on because your partner does not reciprocate your effort. Even if they express their love, you can’t deny that their behavior and demeanor makes you feel a little disconnected.
A deep emotional void
Loving an emotionally detached partner is draining because you’re craving an intimacy that isn’t there. Even though you’re in a relationship, you sense a deep emotional void. To know if it’s worth staying in a relationship that’s not going anywhere requires introspection. It’s necessary to acknowledge the current reality when you’re stuck in a place where it’s painful to stay and painful to imagine leaving.
When you truly love someone, you seldom just want to walk out, even if the red flags are obvious. The core motivation for most people deep down is knowing that their partner still loves them. The real issue is they have problems expressing it. Regardless of whether it’s intentional or not, it can be extremely frustrating. The connection becomes messy and inconsistent.
People won’t change no matter how much you let them know you love them or beg them. They change when they’re ready to change. They need to work on their emotional regulation skills. There’s nothing much you can do on their behalf.
Your emotionally detached partner is not a bad person. They just have underlying issues that cause them to behave that way. That may include childhood attachment issues, past relationship difficulties or unresolved emotional pain that prevent them from getting emotionally attached for fear that it would inevitably result in similar trauma should the relationship end.
It’s no one’s fault
Pursuing someone who is emotionally unavailable makes you feel like you’re lacking control. You end up trying too hard to make it work when it isn’t. You tie your sense of self-worth to your partner.
Their unwillingness to commit can leave you feeling as if you’re fighting an uphill battle alone. You might even change who you are in an attempt to make it work, but if you’re the only one who’s putting in an effort, the balance will always feel off.
Your eagerness to keep it afloat may be due to a lack of self-esteem that gives way to unhealthy boundaries. This will in turn lead to emotional scarring that prevents growth for both parties.
If this is what you’re experiencing, recognize that it’s no one’s fault. While you’re eager to invest in the relationship, the issues that your partner is facing are preventing them from fully committing. They may enjoy and even need the attention you bring them, but their past holds unresolved fears, preventing them from opening up to intimacy. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
Trust your instincts
It takes a tremendous amount of introspection for someone to recognize they are having a problem, so chances are your emotionally unavailable partner is not aware of the things that are driving their actions.
But you know, because your intuition will tell you when something is off. You can stick around and help your partner figure out what they need so they can openly express themselves, if that’s what you choose. But remember, you may risk getting hurt in the process regardless of your good intentions. It’s up to you, and if you can’t wait around, that’s okay, too. The important thing is to go with your gut and trust your instincts.
At this stage, making your own self-care and growth a goal of the relationship is important. You need to accept that you are worthy of love with or without your emotionally unavailable partner. Work on becoming whole by yourself so that you can open yourself up fully for love. Your relationship mirrors your self-love, or lack thereof. Whatever that is going on inside will show up on the outside.
Know when it’s time to let go
You don’t have to give up on your emotionally detached partner just yet, if you’re not ready, but be aware of the telltale signs when it shows up. Understand that experiencing denial is natural during this time, especially when you still have positive feelings of hope. But if it goes on for a prolonged period or results in delusion, then it may be time to reconsider.
Not all emotionally unavailable people choose to reject love. It’s more of a defense mechanism. They usually want a connection but are too afraid to establish one. Even if they do, it does not guarantee that they will open up.
In any relationship, both partners seek emotional fulfilment. It’s not healthy if you’re the only one working and waiting for things to change. No one said relationships were easy. It takes courage to love. There are some stages you need to work through and there are some that just require your acceptance. Each circumstance is different and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.
No matter what the future holds, you can get through these tough times. But if your partner is simply unwilling to contribute, maybe it’s time to consider removing yourself. It’s better to suffer temporarily than permanently.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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