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I’m looking for some perspective on a situation that occurred this past New Year’s while my wife of eighteen years and I attended a house party with some close friends we’ve known for about fifteen years. After a few hours of socializing, drinks, and laughs, I happened to glance across the kitchen and notice my wife standing next to a mutual friend/neighbor of ours, engaged in a conversation, facing away from me. I then noticed our friend’s right hand slide down onto my wife’s buttocks.
She did not pull away or remove his hand. I stared briefly and then looked away. I was shocked and felt uncomfortable; I wasn’t sure how to react. I don’t know how long his hand was there. I did nothing that night.
As the night continued, I did not see any more groping, but I wasn’t really looking, I seemed to forget about it, probably from more drinks.
The next day I remembered what had happened and asked my wife about it, that I had seen “Jay” grabbing her buttocks. She said he had, that he was telling her how “hot” he thought she was, and that he had told his own wife that he thought my wife was hot. His wife had already gone home when the “groping” occurred. She went further in telling me that he had told her once before that he thought she was “hot.”
I didn’t ask her how long he had his hand on her or if he had done this before; I suppose in hindsight I should have. We talked a bit more about it and chalked it up to alcohol, but in the past few days it’s been bothering me as I keep thinking about his hand on her and that he’s told her before that he thinks she’s hot. And this was the first time I’ve heard of it.
We have a great marriage and I’ve never had a reason to not trust my wife, but I’m having a hard time getting over this. I’m also reluctant to see him again as I’m not sure how I might react if we happen to be in a similar situation.
How should I feel about this? — Angry, I Think
Wow, so you see a man grope your wife’s butt at a party and rather than, I don’t know, ask your wife if she’s ok, confront the guy, or suggest leaving the party, you… do absolutely nothing. Until the next morning when you ask your wife about it and then start getting bothered — not because of how your wife might be feeling about all this, but because you feel threatened. You say you’ve never had a reason to not trust your wife, implying that maybe now you do. Because some other man called her hot and grabbed her butt at a party. You’re having a hard time getting over this, not because your wife might feel objectified, uncomfortable, or even victimized, but because YOU don’t like that someone is moving in on your territory. You know, maybe this neighbor friend isn’t the only guy treating your wife with less respect than she deserves.
You want to know how to feel about this? Here are some ideas: maybe you could feel concerned about how your wife feels being called “hot” by another man. Did it make her feel uncomfortable? Was she flattered? Did it make her wish you called her hot more often? How did she feel when he grabbed her butt at a party? How does she feel knowing you saw and did nothing?
I don’t see this so much as what happened between your wife and the other guy — it’s important, of course, especially if your wife feels in any way unsafe or uncomfortable — but I see this as more about what is (or is not) going on between you and your wife and how your immediate and most dominant reaction is concern for YOU and YOUR feelings rather than hers. If this is typical of you and your relationship, then perhaps your marriage isn’t as great as you say it is. And maybe that attention from the neighbor guy wasn’t completely unwelcome. That’s not to say it WAS welcome or that your wife did or said anything to prompt it. But maybe a wife whose husband would see such behavior and literally sit there and do nothing is desperate to be noticed.
Notice your wife. Pay attention to your wife. Regard your wife. Make your wife’s feelings in this scenario more important than yours because she was the one who was groped on her ass by a guy who isn’t her husband. Ok? And I guess in answer to you specific question about how you should feel, you should probably feel a little ashamed that I need to tell you this.
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Previously published on Dear Wendy and is republished on Medium.
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I’ll confess two things here: my wife was a bridesmaid and a little tipsy at the reception whoopie when her groomsman kissed her to the applause of the room and a few feet from me. And if we didn’t have kids, I’d have tossed her my ring, got in the car and divorced her for going along with it. But then, balancing it against a woman friend at another event pulling my face forward and biting my lip made me wonder if it was a signal of something I was missing. We make choices and decisions on personal tolerances. Have… Read more »