It occurred to me today that when someone says, “I can’t read your mind,” it’s really more of a cop out and a way to shift the blame, rather than an expression of surprise at someone’s expectations. Because in truth, if you know someone well, you should be able to “read their mind” in a sense. And we really only ever use this phrase with people we know well.
The reason I had this realization is actually kind of funny. I was eating some leftover hash browns while my dog stared up at me from knee-level. As usual, I giggled at his cute, imploring face and said my usual, “I’m sorry, darling! I don’t know what you want! I can’t read your mind.” He doesn’t ever find this joke very funny.
Of course, I knew what he wanted. He wanted my food. There is a lot of evidence that he wants my food, and I have no doubt that this is what he was trying to communicate to me.
- He’s a very food motivated dog, and most dogs are, so you can reasonably assume that if a dog is staring at you while you’re eating, the dog likely wants your food.
- Historically, my dog has a tendency to steal whatever food he can get access to, and eagerly accepts table scraps.
- He often sits after I make eye-contact with him, which is the usual command I request he follow before I’ll offer a treat. He is pre-empting this process by demonstrating his sitting abilities before I’ve requested them, in the hopes that he’ll be rewarded.
He is a clever boy and I do love him. Of course I can “read his mind” in this situation. His behavior is absolutely predictable and easy to read.
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So what does this have to do with saying, “I can’t read your mind” to a human you care about or know well? I think it has everything to do with it. I think that we’re doing exactly the same thing when we say “I can’t read your mind” to another person, only with less self-awareness. We’re misrepresenting our understanding of their desires by pretending that we do not see what is implicit in their words or behavior, or at least not acknowledging what should be obvious to us.
Let’s imagine a scenario where this might come up. Let’s even imagine a very stereotypical scenario, of a man telling a woman that he can’t read her mind. How about a husband and wife?
Husband: Hey, sweetie, what’s for dinner tonight?
Wife: Um, I have no idea, babe. I told you this morning I’d have to leave tonight for my meeting with the group.
Husband: What does that have to do with dinner, though? You aren’t leaving for another 15 minutes.
Wife: Yes, but I’ve been getting ready. I haven’t had time to make dinner, of course. It was implied that I wasn’t going to since I told you about the meeting this morning. And anyway, this isn’t the first time you’ve had to make your own dinner because of these meetings.
Husband: But why not just say that? I can’t read your mind!
It is dishonest for the husband in this instance to deflect from his own failure to connect the dots. In all honesty, he knows he is the one at fault here for expecting his wife to have dinner ready. It’s possible that, “I can’t read your mind” is a form of gaslighting, by trying to make the other feel crazy for expecting them to know what is meant or wanted. But even if this phrase is simply an unkind defense mechanism, there are more honest ways to communicate.
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The husband could instead have said:
“I’m sorry, I must have misunderstood.”
“You know, I actually forgot that you mentioned the meeting this morning. That’s why I was confused.”
“Honey, it’s no problem. I’ll make dinner for myself and try to remember next time not to expect it if you have a meeting.”
“Is it possible you could prep dinner for me beforehand next time you have a meeting since I’m a manchild who can’t cook?”
You know… Any number of ways this could be handled reasonably without resorting to the slippery untruth, “I can’t read your mind.” The fact is, he knows the deal, and that statement is a huge misrepresentation of his actual understanding of the situation.
So next time you feel tempted to say this to someone, think about it for a minute. Is it true that you had no idea that they were expecting you to know or do something? Is it reasonable to suggest that they offered you no clues? Does this expectation or desire of theirs diverge significantly from ones they’ve communicated in the past? Are they really acting out of character enough for you to suggest that this is out of left field?
In truth, I think you’ll find that you can read minds better than you thought. Now, it’s time to think of new ways to respond in those instances where you’ve dropped the ball.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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