These might not be an all-inclusive, foolproof list of lessons that will lead you to the love of your life, but I do hope that it will lead you on the path to self-discovery, self-love, and a clearer perspective of life and love.
Love yourself first.
In May 2014, my idol John O’Callaghan – lead singer of The Maine – tweeted, “To find someone you love, you gotta be someone you love.” In July 2014, I experienced a devastating breakup. It shattered my idea of true love. From the time I moved to Arizona (June 2014), I went on many dates with the hopes of formulating a connection with someone. Whether it was purely platonic or evolved into a lasting relationship, I didn’t care as long as I had someone to share experiences with.
Around July 2014, I started a new relationship. It was slow and steady, but one thing truly bothered me. He would stop responding to my texts for weeks at a time. I grew sick of it and broke up with him around November 2014. I flew home to Michigan and stayed for about four weeks. Around that time, I rejoined Twitter and saw a tweet that made me stop and think. Having given up on love, it really resonated with me. I never really took the time to care for myself, and in hindsight, I certainly wasn’t a person I was proud to be. I took time away from dating to determine what I truly desired. I spent a lot of time investing in myself – writing, listening to motivational music, and searching my soul for purpose.
Around December 2014, I started talking to my now-husband. However, as cliche as it sounds, he was different. He seemed genuine and super laid back, yet ambitious. He understood my pains and struggles and empathized with the longing to find an authentic connection with someone. His authenticity made me fear whatever connection we were building. I wanted to ensure that what I was feeling was just as authentic as he was. I ended up deleting my online dating profile – not realizing I didn’t have his phone number – so we lost touch. I remember saying to myself, “Well, if it’s meant to be, it will find a way.” And it did a few months later (February 2015).
Surround yourself with good company.
One of the things I love boasting about is the incredible friends and family I have. My friends are brutally honest with me but always come from the purest intentions. They know me best, so they know sometimes I over-romanticize, over-analyze, and am infatuated with “broken” souls. Finding and maintaining my relationships with people who always have my back, who keep me in-check, are the kind of people you need. As hard as it was for me, I removed a lot of toxic people from my life. I developed friendships with people I once hated.
Never settle for less.
Someone once told me that I was shallow because I refused to date someone I was not physically attracted to. This person explained that they were not physically attracted to their spouse when they first met but that the attraction grew over time. While I’m not saying that doesn’t work or isn’t valid, it’s also not for everyone. In fact, from a psychological standpoint, physical attraction – especially when mutual – and sexual desire are integral to cultivate strong, long-lasting relationships.
I was venting about how finding an intellectually and physically attractive partner was near impossible. I said, “I’m beginning to think it’s just me (as in what I believe to be intelligent and attractive, is not the same as the “norm”).” Someone once told me that I needed to lower my standards. Another person told me to hold strong. I refused to lower my standards because I knew what I wanted and wasn’t afraid to walk away from someone who didn’t offer that. I think there’s a fine line between holding an unrealistic standard and asking someone to step up. If they don’t want to step up, then it’s okay to let them go. There’s nothing worse than being in a one-way relationship.
I grew tired of people telling me their opinions of me and the choices I made. I knew my worth, and I wasn’t going to settle for less than I deserved.
“You either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself, I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.”― Daniel Franzese
Know when to compromise.
This may seem like I’m contradicting my previous lesson, but I’m not. Here’s why: “settling,” to me, refers to accepting something of lesser value (typically due to inability to find something of equal or greater value, or unwillingness to change oneself). “Compromising” is recognizing something is valued but not a necessity.
For example, I had a friend who intended to marry her boyfriend, whom she had been dating for four years. Every time I talked to her, she seemed unhappy with her relationship. One day, I told her that I felt like she was settling. I explained how she seemed genuinely unhappy in the relationship. She was blinded by fear of being alone, never finding another love, or maybe of never finding marriage. I understood, but I encouraged her to fight for what she truly wanted and find someone who aligned with and supported her. They ended up breaking up, and both of them have moved on. She admitted to me later that I was right, that she was settling.
An example of compromise is that when I was dating, I valued formal education. Men who had higher degrees seemed more attractive to me. I discovered that it’s not education that I find attractive – it’s intellect and the desire to learn from my partner. My husband doesn’t have a college education. However, I’ve learned so much from him, and he amazes me every day with the random facts he tells me. His “street smart” has taught me invaluable lessons no formal education could ever teach me.
Whether you’re happily married or blissfully single, make sure that you’re making your own decisions, based on your own beliefs, and with an open heart and mind.
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Photo Credit: @AnastasiyaRamsha on Shutterstock