Andrew Smiler explores the ways that hookups get used to strengthen male-male friendships and argues they’re all wrong.
Go to any any fraternity party or visit any “meat market” club and you can find a few young guys who are working the room, trying to get laid. The guys know this will just be a one-time thing; I’d like to think that most of the women who say yes know that too. But I’m not writing about the women and I don’t know why they say yes.
I do know that there’s a fairly small percentage of guys who genuinely and regularly look for a one-night stand. Research tells us that about 15 to 20% of guys have three or more partners in a year, and only about 5% of guys maintain that rate for three consecutive years. The club and fraternity party have more than their fair share, in the same way that church, synagogue, and mosque have less than their share.
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How good can the sex be with someone you’ve just met and who doesn’t know your body, your likes, and your dislikes?
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The guys who cruise the club looking to score typically hold a specific set of beliefs. They tend to be disrespectful of women, particularly the women they’re hitting on. They’re also competitive with other guys, including their friends. They’re also risk takers – if your goal is to hook up with a different woman every weekend, you’re not going to succeed without taking chances. And they’re less likely than other guys to use condoms, in part because they believe pregnancy prevention is her problem (and given that they won’t be sticking around, that’s not wholly inaccurate).
Hooking up like this serves two purposes. One is the sex. Although seriously, how good can the sex be with someone you’ve just met and who doesn’t know your body, your likes, and your dislikes? Then again, if you’re that guy and your goal is to borrow someone else’s body so you can cum inside it, the only part of your body that matters is your dick.
The other reason to get laid isn’t about sex at all. Nope, the other reason is all about the other guys. Sometimes, it’s about having a story to tell, especially a good story. And anything can make it a good story – a particularly hot girl or a particularly ugly one. Or having sex that’s somehow unusual – in the alley, for example.
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These reasons are about sex as much as doing a kegstand is about enjoying the taste of beer.
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Sometimes, it’s about “taking one for the team” by hooking up with the ugly girl so your friend can f— the pretty girl. Bonus points for doing that on purpose when you know it’s been a while since your buddy got laid.
And sometimes, it’s just about being crazy and doing stupid shit. Like having your buddies all hide in the closet and watch. Or perhaps you’ll have a game of rodeo.
These reasons are about sex as much as doing a kegstand is about enjoying the taste of beer. It’s all about the performance and impressing your friends. And let me be clear, those friends are all guys and they’re way, way more important than any girl he’s hooking up with or even any girl he’ll date. In fact, you can bet that what his friends will say influences his choice of which girl he hits on.
To me, this is “masculinity” at its worst. These guys – and they’re a small percentage of the population – give all guys a bad name. This is the small group of guys who define masculinity around sexual conquests and not character.
These guys are the reason why a guy who has just met a women needs to spend a lot of time convincing her that he’s not a stereotypical guy and, especially, not one of those guys. How exhausting is that for everyone? These guys are the reason girls who attend fraternity parties need to wear that nifty nail polish and figure out if their drink has been spiked with a date rape drug. These guys are the reason why people believe “most men are dogs,” even though most of the men they know don’t actually act this way.
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It’s time for good men to hold our “brothers” responsible for giving all guys a bad name by calling their behavior what it is: wrong.
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So, yeah. It’s #notallmen. It’s not even most men. What they’re doing isn’t defensible. Having sex with someone so you can tell a story to impress your friends makes that person an object; it’s disrespectful (to say the least). Lying to get someone in to your bed is wrong. It’s lying, no matter what you call it. Drugging someone so you can have sex with them is rape. Bringing a girl back to your room so your buddies can jump out of the closet is immature. Can you say 10 year old?
It’s time for good men to hold our “brothers” responsible for giving all guys a bad name by calling their behavior what it is: wrong. #HeForShe
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My thanks to Michael Flood for his 2008 analysis of these men’s sexual motives.
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-Photo by Oscar Rohena/flickr used under Creative Commons 2.0 license
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It’s weird how we act like men are all about sex, when a lot of times it’s really all about other guys. In this irony: sometimes sex is used to show you’re straight, yet it’s all man-focused.
There is one other thing I believe that you’re missing. When men have sex with women to impress other men, is there truly consent on the part of the man? Society is always concerned about there being consent on the part of the woman, but when society conditions men to prove their manhood through sexual “conquests”, is there truly consent on the part of the man? I’ve submitted an article to GMP. I’m not sure if it will be published. My track record concerning that is not good, but in it I do wonder how these outside forces (societal conditioning… Read more »
@ John
“decent” would be an interesting focus for a piece. I will definitely ponder it.
If your piece doesn’t get published by GMP, I’d be happy to work with you to see if we can make it more palatable to the editors.
@ Andrew
Decent is the important word and maybe should be the cornerstone of your next piece. A lot of the time people will see things in black and white when we live in shades of gray. What do I owe someone as opposed to how should I treat someone.
Hi John, agreed: “You can have sex with someone because the sex feels good not because you want to connect with the person making them an object, but not so you can have a good story”. I have no particular objection to casual sex; I do have real concerns about this particular flavor of it. I’ll admit that I’m talking about a more substantial/meaningful version of consent than what is required by law. In my book, consent requires that both people are being honest with each other. If he’s lying in order to get her into the sack, then there’s… Read more »
Andrew, these are selections from the comment I *meant* to post here. Good Men Project would not support the level of anger I feel towards you, right now, showing up in the comments section. So here are some samplings, chosen for the points they make, and for the anger that they convey. “””How good can sex be with someone you’ve just met and who doesn’t know your body, your likes, and your dislikes? Well here’s my answer, after a statistically unusual number of women in my life: PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME. Stranger Sex is fantastic. My preferred diet of sex is… Read more »
Hi Lion, First, I want to say thank you for (re)posting your comments. I appreciate it. To clarify, I’m calling out the guys who are treating other people – in this case women – like crap by lying to them, drugging them, and treating them like objects. If you’re treating your hookup partners decently and respectfully, then this post isn’t about you. We’re on the same page regarding sex, incl promiscuity: I think sex is good and think that most Americans should be having more of it, as long as it is consensual and doesn’t cross boundaries (yours or your… Read more »
Hi Andrew,
It’s logically impossible to prove a negative. Only your actions viewed in hindsight will really reveal what you would or wouldn’t do.
In my experience, trying to convince a woman that you’re not that kind of guy or that you would never do X, is a waste of breath and time. Because once her mind is set on this and you’ve entered that territory, there’s no way that mere words can bring you back.
@ Andrew Isn’t it interesting that the discussion is focused on whether and how much he’s a villain and not whether he’s also a victim? We, including myself, just assumes that he could give meaningful consent even when the premise is that he doesn’t necessarily want sex, he just wants to impress his friends. The discussion isn’t centered on how we can change the environment so that men don’t feel that they need to have multiple sex partners, but rather we assume that he could just “man up” and overcome his social conditioning and the encouragement of his friends. There… Read more »
Andrew, thank you for your cordial response.
I wish I had the time to write out a longer reply to you; I do believe we could have a deep conversation about this, and both come away the wiser for it. I respect your experience as a psychologist and as one who talks with many boys and men.
“Having sex with someone so you can tell a story to impress your friends makes that person an object; it’s disrespectful (to say the least).” You can have sex with someone because the sex feels good not because you want to connect with the person making them an object, but not so you can have a good story. There isn’t an invalid reason to say no to sex so why is there an invalid reason to say yes when it’s consensual on both sides? Yes, men may have immature reasons to “hook up”, but haven’t you done something crazy before… Read more »
When your talking about sex, when your talking about something men want to do with women, yes, women get a say in it. Even today, a lot of women feel used by men sexually. ALOT. This is no minor issue. And I’m sorry, but I think in even casual sex, people choose to have casual sex to experience some form of connection. Otherwise, it would just be masturbation. And if you are just masturbating with another human being, even during casual sex, yeah, you are treating them like an object.
@ Erin Not even close. If the woman consents to sex, why would it be a problem? Many people who dance with another person aren’t trying to connect on some level so are they just using them as an object for their own personal gratification? Is it essentially masturbation? What about when you play chess with someone or some other game with someone? Not every social interaction has to result in some feeling of connection. It’s not rape just because the guy doesn’t ask you to marry him. Some people dance because they enjoy dancing. A guy at work is… Read more »
Having done some ballroom and country western dancing, I disagree. There is a connection when dancing that is based on mutual respect and appreciation for the other person. People do partner dancing because they like the connection with other people. Yes it’s casual (although regular partners may become friends) and it is for a limited time but partner dancing is all about connection through music and rhythm. You have to be very attuned to the other person to dance well.