Along with the troubling issues you experience with your last partner were feelings of hopelessness, despair, isolation and grief. You realize you’ve involved yourself with someone suffering from Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD).
Narcissism and mindfulness don’t go together.
They don’t go together because in order to be mindful you have to face the truth in your relationships.
A quick definition of a NPD: a condition in which the individual is never at fault, no matter how conclusive the evidence otherwise. A narcissistic person is a destructive force in the world with its energy focused on breaking down, tearing apart and creating fear and separation rather than building and unifying. In short, it is a disorder or mental illness that causes a lot of pain for both the narcissist and those who love him.
Not the best mix for mindful, graceful living.
Now that you accept the fact that the person you thought you had been looking for all your life is a fraud and an impostor, you end it, stay out of contact, delete the photos; and after a while of restoration, you are ready to try dating again.
Natural trepidation begins because you had created a survival paradigm that included adapting your mindfulness to handle someone with extremely corrosive dysfunctional behavior.
Here are the three steps to unlearning and re-patterning for a new way to date, connect and grow.
1. Take Inventory.
Do an inventory of your own co-dependency and un-integrated ego issues, which had you protecting him for your own benefit. Notice the new opportunity and expansive ways to champion yourself and become impeccably respectful and kind with your own self-care.
The Presence Process, by Michael Brown is an excellent resource for integrating productive habits and patterns. Under no circumstances—unless you have to co-parent—let them back in to your life. Stay with no contact.
2. Reorient Yourself.
Reorient your sub-conscious so that the emotional triggers that allowed this partner to enter in the first place will become redirected toward a healthy mate. This will help you reject any red-flag behavior as soon as it occurs and will consciously change any limiting programs to create a new, expansive conclusion for your future.
Write these down and say them twice daily to inform your brain of your new direction until you begin to feel your power returning. An example of a new orientation statement is: I am attracting healthy respectful emotionally mature and aligned men into my dating life.
Check out the The Liberator Method for more information.
3. Trust Again.
Over time, you need to learn to trust and be vulnerable again. Review communication strategies for healthy dialogue so you will be prepared to have meaningful discussion when natural disagreement and disappoints occur. Examples of productive and positive models are Getting the Love you Want and Compassionate Communication.
These thoughtful inquiries into ourselves will lead to the end of narcissism in our lives and the end of separation, alienation and hopelessness.
As we are true to ourselves, we know ourselves and we know others. When we know ourselves we have the ability to see others in ways we have not seen them in the past. The truth is always revealed to those who are open and are willing to see.
Looking for a relationship? The Good Men Project promises to have a really good one with your inbox. Sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter here.
About the author
Kendall Colman is the Founder & CEO of Colman & Company, the highly recognized leadership performance firm based in Denver, Colorado.
Kendall is currently is the only endorsed vendor for leadership and organizational development by the Colorado Bankers Association, and is an Executive Coach for the Colorado Technology Association.
She is also founder of Center Stage, Executive Presence Speaking Program, and the Safari Woman Project, a leadership program for executive women and Rainmaker by Noon, a sales coaching program.
Kendall has authored numerous articles on leadership, and is a frequent conference speaker. She also has been involved with someone with NPD.
This article originally appeared at Meet Mindful. Reprinted with permission.
Photo by Kyle Sudu on Unsplash
I’m curious about how labelling someone a ‘narcissist’, particularly when the person has not necessarily been diagnosed with a psychiatric condition, fits with the non-violent principles of Compassionate Communication (originally called Non-Violence Communication and developed by Marshall Rosenberg)?
And does the author support the idea that people cannot change their values or their behaviour? Should we write off a person, or any possibility of reconciliation with them, because their behaviour at some point was unacceptable to us?
Too much advertising in this article. When you click on the hyperlinked text it takes you to “helpful” websites that cost money. You really don’t have to spend money these days on internet help. There are a lot of free groups online and in person. Your public library has a lot of great books on this topic as well. I’m a librarian, by the way.. There is free youtube advice/support for life after abusive relationships…There are also fabulous TED talks. Don’t let yourself get sucked into promises of authors that come with huge price tags! I’m pro therapy of course… Read more »
It’s sad really how this article, and most articles concerning NPD only refer to men (HE). I myself have suffered greatly for five plus years at the hands of a woman who clearly suffers from NPD. It is a very difficult recovery process. I lost myself in the relationship, to the point that any feelings of self worth were non existent. My role in the relationship became one of catering to her every need all the while walking on eggshells for fear that i may be doing something wrong or not being sensitive enough to her perceived victimisation of herself,… Read more »
I agree. If your are a professional and want to be taken seriously. You would make everything gender neutral. It is nit hard takes into account same sex relationships and leaves no one feeling bullied.
I am presently involved with a man who is still trying to sever the ties and recover from being married to a narcissist. I have never seen a true narcissist in real life – although, like many others, have heard the term and flagged it for “beware”. To see it….to see the absolutely devastating and damaging effects it has on those around them…it’s heartbreaking and alarming. Truly. There are varying degrees of narcissism, but the ex-wife of my love is, I believe, an extreme case. Mental and emotional abuse that went on for years. Far too often men are overlooked… Read more »
I’d like to add to the ‘definition’ of NPD above. The author elicits many subjective possible *results* of narcissistic behavior (‘creating fear and separation’, etc.), which doesn’t define narcissism itself. We all have varying degrees of narcissism in the personality we’ve formed to live in the world. It’s when it becomes the primary stance from which we see and interact with others that often creates fear, separation, and the difficulty or impossibility of relationship. Narcissism is the inability to see the world from anything other than the viewpoint of *how it affects me*. In other words an almost complete lack… Read more »
Reading an article that so very clearly describes my former husband-to-be has helped me not feel so isolated in the time that has passed since the relationship’s ending. Trusting a man who is not like that will be easy, I think, because I trust myself.
I have the displeasure if dating a female narcissist. I finally left her and have never looked back.
I was thinking the same thing. In fact more than one in my life. Why are we sobquick to only out men in this category. That being said I could see how the female version is less severe than the male. Moving on is hard but achievable, have faith that not everyone is there to tear you down.
The female version is actually worse.
I had a former college friend contact me after many years. We reconnected only to watch it fail. The young lady lied to me about being married, the times shes been married, bankruptcy, the “abuse” she has suffered at the hands of several men, etc. When I confronted her with the truth, she lied, tried to flip the script and blamed me for being selfish? WTF? I thought. Instead of being subject to her BS any longer I broke up with her. The next day I got a tagged picture of her amd her new boyfriend? Strange? Crazy? No, shes… Read more »