“The minute my partner decided to not have sex, it was a unilateral decision.”

This is a comment by Kat on the post “Should I Leave My Sexless Marriage?

I don’t disagree that a relationship is built on non-sexual things and emotional intimacy as well.

Physical intimacy is important in a relationship and sure there may be times or extenuating circumstances where physical intimacy is just not possible. No one that I’ve seen is arguing that.

The reality with my one a month sex relationship is that the minute my partner decided to not have sex, it was a unilateral decision. This was not a mutually agreed up on circumstance. This was not an extenuating circumstance. That was one individual in a partnership making a decision that affected both of us with absolutely no consideration with how it affected me or the relationship. It’s pretty hard to respect a partner that does that and not resent them. Not to mention what it does to one’s emotions to be at the receiving end of that kind of thing. Kind of hard to trust someone who pulls the rug out from under you or who literally will stand there while you beg for intimacy and then say no he’s not in the mood.

And I don’t know how it is for men who were in the position I was in but when the mood hit once a month being relegated to blow up doll status. A simple place to deposit his need … How could I ever trust someone like that? What started as a beautiful relationship ended very badly because of the lack of communication about physical intimacy on the front end and the sudden dramatic, unilateral decision to go down to once a month for me.

You can’t build any intimacy in a relationship or not have the other positives chipped away if you are not on the same general wave length with physical intimacy. The partner refusing will feel forced in to sex and resent it. The partner begging will feel dehumanized and not valued in the relationship unless it’s mutually agreed upon. There is no getting around the fact that physical intimacy has some importance to many people in relationships. I’m excluded the asexual crowd of course.

Photo credit: Flickr / rachel_titiltriga

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Comments

  1. Eric M. says:

    “Kind of hard to trust someone who pulls the rug out from under you or who literally will stand there while you beg for intimacy and then say no he’s not in the mood.”

    This is, unfortunately, a very common phenomenon, which erodes and eventually destroys the feeling one has for their spouse. Many a man has been in this situation. And, even those who are monogamous can end up emotionally giving up on that relatonship (yet not get divorced) and fall in love with someone else. Then, they get called a cheater, etc., when it’s not nearly that simple.

    I will say that hormonal imbalances can have an impact, even unbeknownst to the person who has the imbalance.

    “And I don’t know how it is for men who were in the position I was in but when the mood hit once a month being relegated to blow up doll status.”

    It’s frustrating and leaves them with the very clear and distinct feeling that she no longer cares. It’s just as hard for a man to stay in love with someone who (apparently) doesn’t love and care about him as it is for a woman. Many men hang in there with the marriage, even after their emotional feelings have been doused.

  2. Terence Manuel says:

    Welcome to the world of married men.

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