Craig Playstead says that despite what you think, divorce is astronomically expensive, will wreck your family, and puts you through hell.
“The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it’s over.” – Nicolas Sparks
After twenty-five years of friendship, twelve years of marriage, three kids, two dogs, one cat and three houses, I got divorced last year. Divorce doesn’t feel like you think it would, and it’s not at all like people tell you. It was the reason I couldn’t write, the reason I had a hard time going to work and the reason I questioned everything about life.
While I’ve made peace with it in my own way, it’s something that you should avoid at all costs. The grass is not always greener. Your kids will suffer no matter how well you think you’ve worked it out, your friends will suffer and your family will suffer. Most of all, you will suffer in ways you never thought – even if you’re the one pushing for it. It really is a tragedy on par with a death in the family.
Here are the things people fail to tell you about divorce:
There are no amicable divorces. If anyone says they had an amicable divorce, they’re lying. It’s the most personal thing a person can ever go through and you will feel attacked, sad and incredibly insecure through most of it.
You’ll miss between 50-75% of your kid’s lives. At best, as a man you’ll get 50/50 (unless your wife smokes crack and juggles chain saws while cooking dinner). That means you’re going to miss 50% of the rest of your kid’s childhood, and that’s the best case scenario. I just missed a trip that my kids took to Disneyland last month. I couldn’t find my heart for a week. It’s always in the last place you look.
Divorce is incredibly selfish. I shouldn’t need to explain this, but if you’re not sure read this article by Penelope Trunk. Powerful.
You will lose control of your kids. In its most basic explanation, when you divorce the state basically says that you can’t be trusted to know what’s best for your kids anymore, so they will get involved—forever. They need to know where those kids are at all times until they’re eighteen. That monitoring has different levels, but you’re no longer in charge. If the state were Adam Carolla it would say: “you fucked up your family so we can’t trust that you won’t fuck up your kids too. We’re going to keep an eye on things for the next decade or so.”
Do not, under any circumstances get lawyers involved. There is nothing scarier than the family court system. And if you hire a lawyer, you dramatically raise the chance that you’ll find yourself there at one time or another. It is hell. You’d have a better chance getting the outcome you’d like by getting drunk and playing Russian roulette. You just never know.
If you don’t believe me, read this piece on divorce in the state of Washington. It will not only scare you, you won’t sleep tonight. However, sometimes you don’t have a choice and need the help of a lawyer.
Ask yourself if you’re ready to be replaced. You will be replaced by some guy your spouse chooses and he will enter your kid’s world. Even if you’re not truly replaced, you’ll sure feel like you are. Wait until he takes your boys fishing or buys them something you can’t afford because of what the divorce costs you. The ghost of William Wallace will fill your gut and it will take everything you have in you not to storm the castle.
You will be financially ruined. Most guys I know either claimed bankruptcy or got damn close to it. No one tells you this, but it’s true. You know those old guys greeting people at Walmart in their 70′s? They got divorced in their 40′s (actually I made that up, but it could be true). It’s a lot like remodeling your house. Whatever you think it will cost you, double it – then double it again. Oh, and it will take twice as long. Most people say it takes about three years to bounce back.
You may not miss her, but you will miss your family. And it will be the things you don’t expect: watching TV on the couch, fighting with the kids in the car, dinners that go horribly wrong and days where nothing ever happens. Instead of that, you’ll be trying to reinvent your life. Most likely in an apartment … with no pool.
You’ll get caught up in the swirl. Lawyers get a bad rap, and in some cases it’s justified. However, you hire them to protect you … from your spouse. Plain and simple. When you start listening to them, your family, your friends and everyone else you get all fired up and lose sight of what needs to happen: your kids need to be taken care of.
Don’t “burn down the house.” If you really think divorce is the only answer, don’t lie, cheat or ruin your spouse. This will destroy any trust between you and her during the divorce. Divorce proceedings that lack trust will ruin your life. It will cost tens of thousands of dollars (or hundreds of thousands); you’ll lawyer up and find yourself in court. Be honest, come clean, give and see it from their side and you might make it without sinking the ship.
The last thing I’ll mention is that I truly believe couples don’t work hard enough at marriage. The highs are really high and the lows are extremely low, but most will come out the other side if they stick it out and put their family first. One thing that’s easy to forget is that your marriage should always come before your kids, not after.
And what is true love? It’s loving someone when they least deserve it. That’s how you push through.
Previously published at “Shake Your Foundation” blog.
Photo credit: Flickr / justin
About Craig Playstead
I am a young woman, barely 24 years old and never been married but this piece struck a chord in me because of its painful sincerity. I truly hope that you are much better now.
While i agree most of what you said, i have to disagree on one thing. When your life is already in runis, and you have only bad opinions to choose, sometimes divorce is the better (or- less bad) one.
I agree that some marriages just can’t be saved, but there are just too many divorces these days. People are taking the easy way out. Hopefully the divorce rate can go down.
So, if divorce is so horrible, how can one say that divorce is “taking the easy way out”? Is it that they THINK it’s the easy way out and they’re proven wrong?
It can’t be both the easy way out and be hell.
Should be required reading, if not when people marry, then when they think their marriage is “in trouble.” First thing to do? “Kill all the lawyers.” No joke.
Craig, this is a great post. It’s so true, and people don’t like to hear this stuff. I think people read a post like yours and they think it doesn’t apply to them. People who initiate a divorce always think they are are the exception, their marriage is worse than anyone else’s, they will do divorce better than anyone else, people convince themselves that divorce will work for them because they are more special than everyone else.
Penelope
I didn’t think I was the exception. I didn’t know what to think. I felt like I was yelling my head off for help in the middle of a hurricane.
Yeah, several of the many reasons I have never believed in divorce. A key is to marry someone of like mind.
As an attorney, I can attest that your observations concerning litigated divorce are spot on. My personal experience as the child of a bitter divorce, and then my professional observation as an attorney of the pain and damage inflicted by the adversarial legal system is the reason that I opted out of the litigation system almost completely and now work almost exclusively as a divorce mediator. Mediation is an entirely different approach, an entirely different paradigm, and also ends up with entirely different results both in less damage to your relationship with the ex spouse and also keeping family decisions within the control of the family. Here are a few specific things that make it different. First of all, it is the courageous decision. Parties actually sit in the same room and talk about their needs and how to meet those needs. One of the most important things I do is help them make it through these conversations. I facilitate communication to help parties hear and respond to each other, authentically, rather than just feeling attacked. And then we discuss and talk about needs, not legal rights. How are the parties, as a team, going to work how to support two households on income that previously supported just one? How can they work as a team to get the best price for the house that needs to be sold? How can they work their parenting schedules to that Dad gets time every day with the children, they sleep in their own bed every night, and the kids don’t have to give up soccer on Wednesday nights? I don’t supply the questions, and I don’t supply the answers. The questions and answers depend on the parties. The goal of the mediator, in fact, is to empower the parties to make their own decisions and keep family decisions within the control of the two parents. But I do help guide the path through the important issues that need to be resolved for an amicable divorce. Secondly, very unlike the legal system, mediation actually de-escalates conflict and helps people address the causes at its root. This is not “counseling” to get people back together. It is a non-adversarial process to help the family re-organize into a model of two separate parent households. But the parties focus their energy on tackling challenges, not on harming each other. Third, it does not disempower the parties by putting decisions in the hands of lawyers and judges. The parties themselves remain in control of the decisions and reach agreements that reflect their own, personal values and needs. Fourth, because it de-escalates conflict it costs significantly less financially. In my practice, I would venture to guess about 20% the cost of a litigated divorce, if that. This is because in a legal case, parties are building walls and fences and stating positions to jockey for favorable results from a judge. In mediation, there is no such need. When parties are not fighting “against” one another, they are free to build bridges rather than walls, and thus conflict is resolved faster. This is not to say that mediation is cheap. No, my viewpoint is that it is a better process, more efficient, and therefore costs less for that reason. In my practice, I insist that people commit to consult with experts if they become needed. For example, a neutral accountant or a child psychologist or yes, even a personal psychotherapist if I observe that the emotional issues are unresolved or are clouding judgment. Of course, before requesting that people consult these experts I tell them why. Sometime just having the feedback helps people see things from a new perspective. If utilized, however, these experts benefit the family rather than just spending money on proof designed to build a case in an adversarial environment. This is just a tiny introduction to divorce mediation. Couples in my practice often remain friends, always commit to work together to parent their children, and spend a tiny fraction of what they would if they had litigated against each other. I hope people will first do everything they can to save their marriage, including the hard work of individual therapy or couples counseling. But if divorce appears to be the only answer, I hope this comment will at least inspire people to investigate mediation as their first option. You can learn more on the web site http://www.mediate.com, and you can also find a divorce mediator through the professional mediator’s association, the Association for Conflict Resolution. Look for someone who has at least 100 hours of mediation training, in addition to an advanced professional degree in law or counseling, and who has a focus on divorce mediation in their professional practice.
Bravo, Bravo!…I’m in love with your soul. May you be blessed in this life and the next.
Do you know what is the primary cause of divorce????? …………..Its called marriage. Divorce causes as much grief as the death of a loved one and also may lead to financial ruin. Prevention is better that cure.
So don’t marry at all.
Everything you say is completely true — for fathers.
Mothers generally walk out of family court with a pocket full of money and a smile from ear to ear.
We’d be interested in hearing both sides of that story. Our guess is that no one comes out of a divorce, especially a contentious one, feeling great about the divorce process. It’s expensive on both sides.
Anyone here lurking have a story from the LGBT side of things?
I wish that were true, Anthony. Not in my case, and certainly not in the case of many women I have met since my experience.
Wow, I could not agree more. I’m the child of a divorced family–my dad left the house when I was 8 and left my mother with 3 boys. My mother most assuredly did not “walk out of family court with a pocket full of money and a smile from ear to ear”. Sure she got custody of the children, but that was by mutual agreement. She walked out of court devastated, betrayed, and on the thinnest of financial ice. My father paid child support–no alimony, despite the fact that my mother had no job, no college degree, and no marketable skills–but could barely keep a job imself so child support was inconsistent and unreliable; it took him almost 10 years to finally catch up to all the payments he owed. We were on food stamps for several years and drove outdated, dilapidated cars until after I graduated high school. My mom worked two jobs sometimes, and when she wasn’t working 2 jobs she was trying to go back to school to get ANY sort of marketable degree. This meant that 3-4 nights a week my brothers and I were literally at home alone, taking care of ourselves, eating frozen pizza for dinner because it was only $1/pizza and was just about the only food we could afford. The ripples caused by my parents’ divorce continued to make my mom’s life a living hell well past the time I entered college.
All that being said I agree 100% that the judicial system is overwhelmingly stacked in favor of moms and against fathers. But I take strong exception to the assertion that all women walk out of divorce court like the cat that ate the canary.
Sorry, that first sentence should obviously read “could not DISAGREE more.” Poor editing on my part, my apologies.
I don’t know any women who have walked away from a divorce better off. All of my female friends who are divorced had their own jobs and careers, so none of them got spousal spport, they got 50-50 custody of the kids and basically the divorce cut their monthly income in half (and their husband’s). Most couples I know had to sell their homes because neither could afford to buy out the other and still afford the mortgage payments. This is the SF Bay Area, where homes are super expensive and everyone is mortgaged to the hilt. No one really seems to do terribly well in divorce based on my observation.
Sarah, you’ll have to define “better off.” If you’re looking at it strictly from a financial viewpoint, no, few are better off. If you’re looking at it from a psychological viewpoint, well … Everything is not black and white and a successful divorce doesn’t always mean you have the same lifestyle. If you are feeling happier and healthier, if you’re removed from something that seemed too dysfunctional to remain it, you bet you’re “better off.”
Thankyou for such an honest and powerful post.
I’m separated and divorce is on the horizon. It is true that my heart is breaking for the time I’ve lost with my little girl – but I knew that if I didn’t leave she was going to grow up in an unhappy household and I didn’t want that for her. Life is sometimes incredibly tough, and whether I’ve made the right choice I suppose is open to debate. Like someone else said it’s a matter of least bad choices.
I just hope I can be a better father by being a happier person.
Hang in there DR. I’ve divorced and my son and my former spouse are happier for it. Just keep your child front and center. She still needs both her parents. Keep a positive attitude. Don’t give in to your fears.
I’m curious as to how you all (anyone reading this) see Mexico’s 2-year marriage contract thing fitting into all of this?
To me it’s always seemed as though it’s the expected permanence of marriage that causes divorce to be so horrible. Or at least, that’s a large part of it. The west is a very individualistic culture and lifelong marriage comes from a very non-individualistic culture.
I want to thank everyone for the great comments about my piece. I wrote it mainly to get people to think twice and try and right the ship before tearing apart their family. I’ll be honest, it’s even worse than what I wrote.
I completely agree with Alexandria about mediation. Always choose it over litigation. It can also get emotional and very heated, but it is always the better choice. However; I would do it without attorneys present. You can have an attorney look over your final papers before you sign, but if you put an attorney in the actual mediation it’ll be much more contentious. I’m a big fan of mediation.
Even after all of this, I still believe in marriage. A solid, loving relationship comes down to one thing: the person you choose must have your back. All that other stuff comes in second.
Thanks again,
Craig
Thank you for writing this article. I know many times when I am beyond frustrated with my husband and my own attitude, I often wonder if it would be worth it to just be alone. Even with kids. After reading this, it made me take a step back and realize that it’s never really that bad. I married the guy for a reason. And he obviously found some redeeming quality in me or he wouldn’t have asked, right? The good days are really, really good. It’s sad that we only remember the annoyingly bad days. And the bad days are few and far between as well, but we (society as a whole) still tend to focus on the bad and try to find a fix or rather than try to remedy it, just end it. As I grow up (I’m 36 and still growing), I’m learning that the harder you work on your marriage, the more you cherish it. Yes, it’s hard as hell and no one ever tells you that one day you might wake up and wonder where the love is. That you don’t always feel that gushy, romantic, gotta have you all the time feeling you had when you first get married. Perhaps if they did, there would be less incidence of divorce. I married young (24) and probably would’ve have benefited by waiting a few more years, but I didn’t. I now know that I can do it and that ultimately, I would be lost without the guy. I think what people should be told is marriage is more like this: You promise to put up with his $h*# as long as he promises to put up with yours. And really, that’s what it seems to boil down to. Yes, you love them. Yes, they love you. But at the end of the day, when you are exhausted, cranky and probably smell just a little, you remember that you’re in it together. And when your kids see you enduring and working at your marriage, all the better. They learn from you that anything worth having is worth fighting for. I realize that what I’ve just said seems to fly in your face as a divorced person. I mean no harm, no judgement. Reading your thoughts made me see things from another perspective and I truly appreciate you putting it all out there like that. I wish you nothing but more happiness in your next relationship.
I understand that each and every relationship and divorce is unique, but I have to say that my own personal experience proves almost every point you’ve made false. I am happier and our children are happier, all of them even doing better in classes. I have more time to devote to the children, rather than the stress of an unsuccessful marriage. The state has zero say or any idea even, where my children are or where they go. It was not an easy process, but it was not as difficult or financially exhausting as your article made it out to be. I paid for the process myself (less than $500 beginning to end) and walked away with no more than I walked into it with. We settled with mediation, but it was court-ordered mediation, so we saw both sides of this argument.
All that being said, I wish you well in all future relationships, and can appreciate what you were going through when you wrote this piece. I simply disagree with it.
“If anyone says they had an amicable divorce, they’re lying” — oh, nonsense.
My daughter’s father is an alcoholic, with a very occasional but very serious substance abuse issue layered in there. (I used to, ah, ‘party,’ and we had fun, and I went forward with the unfortunately misguided belief that like me, he’d cut it out without difficulty.) We tried counseling, individually and together. There was no way to give a child a stable home with the chaos of the drinking. I issued an ultimatum; later, retained an attorney and had the locks changed.
I didn’t make much use of the attorney. His response: “I don’t blame you; I have been behaving erratically.” He lives nearby. He spends his weekend days at my house, along with the odd weekday evening, takes time off work to attend anything notable for our daughter.
This sucks for him, I’m sure, but the drinking was not and is not under the ‘solvable problem’ category, and we both dealt with it as best we could, stayed friends, stayed away from the legal system, and split AMICABLY.
A nice little piece, but nobody’s experience of family breakdown is universal.
A big ‘eff you’ to the “Mothers generally walk out of family court with a pocket full of money and a smile from ear to ear” bozo. Not to say they don’t exist, but the single mothers I know really grieve for their kids’ lost time with Dad, for the family breakdown… My ex is a professional with a good salary that worked well for one household; now we have two households that struggle. I buy him clothes too when I’m at thrift stores shopping for us. I can’t imagine what would lead somebody to make a comment like that — even when both parties are getting on well and making the child[ren] the absolute priority, it’s a struggle, and normal women really hurt that Dad is no longer a daily thing for the kids even if they personally don’t want Dad as a daily thing, or if, as here, Dad was unsuitable as a daily thing… A very warped sort of thing to write.
Staying together for the sake of the children, or anyone else, are trumped by two issues: addiction and abuse.
“Not to say they don’t exist, but the single mothers I know really grieve for their kids’ lost time with Dad, for the family breakdown…”
But they still chose how much time dad spends with his kids.
That’s the point. Even if the mother is a good mom and wants her kids to have a relationship with dad, the relationship between father and child _should not be mediated through the mother._
A presumption of shared custody would ensure this. (And if it really is men walking away from their responsibilities, it certainly won’t change the situation.)
I’m with you, sister..amen.
I have never responded to a blog before, but I feel compelled to here. After 20 years of friendship, 11 years of marriage, one child and one cat, my husband and I separated 2 years ago. Our divorce was final a year ago. We started as friends and we are still friends. After a few years of living 8,000 miles apart, divorce seemed prudent. We went to mediation to settle financial matters and we each left the marriage with what we put into it. We never yelled or screamed or used our child as a pawn. In fact, we are re-defining FAMILY. Families take many forms, but the one thing that must be present is LOVE. I am offended especially by Penelope’s article suggesting that divorce is ALWAYS bad for children. Maybe if she is unable to love outside of marriage, this is true for her. My parents recently hosted a dinner for my Ex and his new girlfriend while my daughter was visiting. Shame on any of you who don’t see that this is what family is. LOVING and accepting POST-divorce is possible. I am proud to be part of a loving divorce and he and I are both MUCH happier and our child’s world is unfolding just the way that it is. I don’t judge your divorce, please don’t judge mine.
I was fortunate enough 2 be able to save my marriage with 2 of the last things you stated. I and my wife worked hard at mending it, and unconditional love. Thanks for the article.
As I posted in my article for GMP here, I am in complete agreement with JBH. A loving divorce is not only possible but far far better than a loveless or worse, angry marriage. The idea that divorce always wrecks kids is just plain wrong.
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/on-divorce-co-parenting-learning-to-love-your-ex-and-other-stuff/
Yes, divorce can be damaging to everyone — him, her, the kids — but so can a high-conflict marriage. In fact, studies show that they are as damaging as high-conflict divorces. So, where does that leave us? Sometimes a marriage isn’t going to work no matter how hard a couple tries — really, divorce is the only option. Of course, what we’re talking about here is a divorce of couples with kids; no one seems to rush to the aid of child-free couples who decide to split, so let’s be clear about that.
What couples who can no longer make their marriage work need to do is get out of their own way (and their ego and resentments and revenge dreams) and put their kids first as best they can. Keep lawyers out of it, please! Mediate, demand 50-50 custody, don’t move away/drop out of your kids life, pay attention to their school-sports-doctors-friendships, be kind and respectful to your former spouse (no bad-mouthing or PAS, either), don’t parade a bunch of new lovers before your kids and pay your fair share (aka, half).
Divorce does not mean you’re no longer a parent; it means you’re no longer a spouse. Act like one. And act like an adult (that helps, too).
In most cases, it’s the wife who asks the husband for divorce, so a man may not have a choice in working things out instead of getting divorced.
Of course divorce tears the hearts out of men. That’s often the whole point. In some cases the wife is asking for divorce precisely BECAUSE it’s such a hellacious experience for the husband. (She seldom escapes getting burned herself, of course.)
I noticed that quite a few of the points talked about what happens with the children. Would it be safe to assume that divorce is generally smoother if the two spouses don’t have any kids together? Are childfree couples more immune to this torture?
One lesson to younger men: don’t get married without a prenup and a vasectomy…..
Actually, if you don’t have kids, you’re more likely to divorce, as I wrote about here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/are-childfree-couples-doo_b_913051.html. Couples often stick it out (unhappily) because of the kids. But, yes, if you don’t have kids, divorce is often easier, legally and financially if not necessarily emotionally.
But honestly, I don’t know any woman who would ask for a divorce “precisely BECAUSE it’s such a hellacious (sic) experience for the husband.” But, if there was a wife like that, perhaps her hubby should be thankful — she would not be a very nice woman, would she?
Good point. The worse the ex acts, the better off you are without that person in the long term.
Why the (sic) for hellacious? Did I spell it wrong?
No, you did not! Sorry — I take that sic back!