Reaching out is a way to allow in. Trish Everett shows us how.
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The huge list of tasks are brightly backlit on my computer screen. This assignment for the last subject of my masters is a monster. I thought that I had this under control but with two days before it is due, pre-school not on and only an evening to myself, I’m getting that falling feeling. How am I going to finish it?
My neighbour came to the door to say hi with her funky boots and an inquiring look. She heard my time/assignment dilemma and offered to watch my girls as they play between our two backyards.
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My neighbour came to the door to say hi with her funky boots and an inquiring look. She heard my time/assignment dilemma and offered to watch my girls as they play between our two backyards. I also reached out to some friends for play dates and child minding and I asked the home-school year seven that I swap Italian lessons for baby sitting if she could help out. Then over the two days my girls had smatterings of time with some of their favourite people and I got some work done.
I hit send on my assignment at 5 minutes the deadline. It felt like a triumph for the whole team who had got me through this tight spot. I felt so supported by my little community around me. That evening I shared a dinner with my friend, I brought a quinoa salad and she made spicy beans and a salad from her garden. We ate to the chatter of our four children, telling stories, joking around and giggling. Feeling so grateful and supported.
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I wanted to share this story with you because many parents tell me how they don’t feel supported enough and that they long for more community.
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I wanted to share this story with you because many parents tell me how they don’t feel supported enough and that they long for more community. Have you had these moments where something needs to happen but you have no idea how you are going to make it work? Or that you feel isolated and don’t have the support that you need to get through the day?
What helps to build a community around you, that you care for and that cares for you? I offer you these 3 ideas:
Spending time and sharing:
This can take so many forms, from sending a text, sharing a meal, having a cuppa together, sharing taking care of our kids. In my community I see parents doing mama (and papa) bakes, sharing child minding while taking turns to have a massage, a gardening group where they rotate gardens to work on together, taking care of each other’s kids to get some couple time, teaching and sharing skills with each other’s kids. All helpful acts of sharing. Do any of these happen around you? Spark any ideas?
Reaching out, allowing in:
I see a lot of parents struggle away in silence, unable to ask for the help that they need. And, can I just say (and you may or may not need to hear this), you are important and you don’t need to do it all on your own.
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I see a lot of parents struggle away in silence, unable to ask for the help that they need. And, can I just say (and you may or may not need to hear this), you are important and you don’t need to do it all on your own. And reaching out can build friendships. Being vulnerable, saying I need help, can open you up. And when we say ‘how can I help you?’ we are allowing another parent to have the space to be vulnerable and to be held. Some days this can look like; let’s have a cuppa, I need some adult conversation, I don’t want to do this on my own today, don’t know how to handle my children right now or let’s take the kids fishing. Sometimes it is just needing to be heard. For me, reaching out and allowing help in has saved me in parenthood. How does reaching out and allowing help in look in your life?
Knowing your boundaries:
Having this community around that feeds me and I feed into is a blessing, but sometimes I want to shut the world out, cocoon up with my girls and just be with us. Regroup, recalibrate. I need this, my girls need this. There are a few signs when this is going down for us. We all start feeling a bit frazzled, tensions are pulled, meltdowns happen. What was making our lives easier is now making it harder. Know your signs of this.
Then there is the times when giving stops feeling good. Maybe it is when you are giving for reasons like obligation and duty. I have the belief that when you are giving with anything other than joy, you are tainting the giving for everyone.
Also when there is an imbalance of giving and taking, it starts to feel a bit weird. If you listen to that uncomfortable feeling, it can give you clues as to when and how to restore that balance.
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It has been a pleasure to share my thoughts on community with you. I would love to hear your stories about how community is alive in your life. Please feel free to share in the comments.
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Originally published on Connectful and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock