Hugo Schwyzer explains how a handful of men are angry for all the wrong reasons.
When I was getting clean and sober in a Twelve Step program many years ago, there was one phrase from the literature that always resonated with me. We addicts have been, the book said, the “architects of our own adversity.” Yes, I thought the first time I read that. It’s time to stop blaming others for my own pain. It’s time to take responsibility.
That same phrase comes to mind when I think about Men’s Rights Activists (MRAs). I’ve been crossing verbal swords with the MRAs for many years, particularly since 2004 when I began to develop a public presence as a male feminist writer and professor. I learned quickly that not all MRAs were the same; some offered thoughtful criticism while others offered only nasty invective. (Look up “Hugo Schwyzer Mangina” if you need evidence of the latter.)
As a professor who teaches courses on Men and Masculinity, as well as a mentor to many young men (and as a man myself, of course), I’m intensely interested in the ways in which men position themselves as victims. I’ve spent years reading the literature and talking points of MRAs and “fathers’ rights” groups. I’ve spent a lot of time in conversation with men who are going through divorce, something I’ve been through more than once. My male students range in age from 17 to 70, from bright high school students taking their first college courses to retired professionals curious about gender studies. I meet with so many of them—jocks, geeks, gamers, drifters, ambitious future politicians and wary-eyed Iraq and Afghanistan veterans.
From so many of these men—online and in real life—I hear the same thing: the narrative of helplessness.
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The older, angrier MRAs describe a world in which women (and their male “collaborators”) have usurped traditional male privileges for themselves. Men, they claim, are at a disadvantage in the courts, in the business world, in academia. The MRAs see public space in the Western world as increasingly feminized, and they fancy “real men” (in whose ranks they invariably include themselves) to be under attack from a dark coalition of feminist activists, cowardly politicians cravenly surrendering to the cultural left, and a media that never misses an opportunity to demean and belittle traditional men. It all provides a satisfying sense of being “under attack,” which is why many—not all—men’s rights activists use, absurdly enough, the language of oppression and resistance to describe their movement.
When heterosexual masculinity is defined by violent obtuseness, these “guy rules” rob boys of their chance to develop emotional skills to thrive in relationships with others.
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These men feel victimized, they feel exploited, they feel ignored, they feel impotent. And those feelings are powerful. I don’t think these boys and men who turn to the men’s rights movement are lying about their pain. The problem is that they’ve completely misunderstood two things.
The cause of men’s very real unhappiness isn’t a biased family court system, or feminist college professors, or the perceived injustices of Title IX athletic funding. The source of men’s anguish and uncertainty is the straitjacket of traditional American manhood. Men are suffering because their emotional, psychological, intellectual, and sexual potential is stunted by their own efforts to live up to an impossible masculine ideal.
Whether they got it from their fathers or their older brothers, whether they learned it from peers or pastors, coaches or drill instructors, almost all American boys grow up learning the “guy rules.” As Deborah David and Robert Brannon first showed in their landmark 1976 book on men, The Forty-Nine Percent Majority, the rules are crushingly simple: Big boys don’t cry. No sissy stuff. Be a “sturdy oak.” “Be a big wheel.” “Give ’em hell.”
Being a man, in other words, is defined by divesting oneself of anything remotely associated with femininity (like kindness, sensitivity, intuition, empathy). When heterosexual masculinity is defined by violent obtuseness, these “guy rules” rob boys of their chance to develop emotional skills to thrive in relationships with others. This frantic effort to shut down a whole aspect of one’s potential isn’t caused by testosterone or Y chromosomes. It’s caused by the longing to live by the “man code.”
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Most MRAs agree that the “man code” exists and that it does great damage to young men. But they blame women for these cruel and limiting rules. According to many MRAs I’ve spoken to, it is women’s sexual desire for the alpha male that forces boys to compete ruthlessly with one another. “Women say they want one thing but choose another: they always go for assholes,” so many guys say. If women would broaden their sexual appetites to include “betas” and “omegas,” their reasoning goes, boys would feel less compelled to compete ruthlessly with one another. (The men’s rights activists tend to be wildly off-base about what women actually want, but that’s another topic.)
It’s a typical but tragic mistake: MRAs wildly overestimate women’s power, sexual or otherwise. Men, they insist, are helpless by comparison. But that claim ignores a long and unmistakable history of male domination in human history. And if there’s one undeniable truism about our species, it’s that the rules are made by the dominant group. The “man laws” or “guy rules” were created by and for men. Historically, winning validation from other men has mattered more than getting sex or love from women. (If you don’t believe that, think for a moment about how hard boys will work to please a demanding football coach.) Males are raised to be “homosocial,” which means they’re taught to get their primary affirmation from other men rather than from women. Working too hard for female approval just makes you a “mama’s boy” or “pussy-whipped,” and the frantic efforts young men make to ensure neither of those labels apply to them tells you all you need to know about who it is they are really trying to impress.
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So men are indeed architects of their own adversity. This doesn’t mean that each boy is individually responsible for his own suffering. But it does mean that the pain so many men feel from broken relationships, social isolation, and the gnawing sense of personal powerlessness is not women’s fault. It’s the fault of a rigid code that was set up eons ago, a code that many of us continue to perpetuate. Extricating ourselves from the emotional straitjacket the code forces us to wear requires taking responsibility for our own lives and choices. It requires letting go of blame. And it requires seeing that feminism—with its remarkable claim that biological sex has nothing to with our human potential—is the best avenue for our personal and collective liberation.
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Meet the Men’s Rights Movement
Paul Elam: On Misandry: What’s Wrong With Men?
Tom Matlack: Adultery’s Double Standard
Amanda Marcotte: The Solution to MRA Problems? More Feminism
Zeta Male: The Top 10 Issues of Men’s Rights
Kaelin Alexander: Men’s Studies: Teaching Masculinities in the Margins
Pelle Billing: Unlocking the Men’s Rights Movement
David Futrelle: Dismantling the Men’s Rights Movement
Dan Moore of Menz: The MRA Perspective
Ron Mattocks: When Men Are the Victims of Abuse
Tom Matlack: Do Divorced Dads Get a Raw Deal?
Blixa Scott: Why Do We Forgive Adulterous Women?
Joseph Caputo: Can We Degenderize Domestic Violence?
Image paula rúpolo/Flickr Creative Commons
Before reading this article, I just finished reading one on the emotionally abused man and I think there is a tie-in. It is certainly true that the emotional straight-jacket of traditional masculinity is not the invention of women and certainly not feminism. But I think it is also true that this straight-jacket of masculinity also provides a weapon to women who emotionally and/or physically abuse their partners. A man hurt by his SO can be further harmed in two ways, both stemming from traditional masculinity. Either “You’re too sensitive! be a man.” or “I didn’t really hurt you.” or “You’re… Read more »
I should add that although men are the victims of feminism, playing the victim is a female’s game and I don’t recommend it. To any young men stumbling upon this information … do not bother with workinv within the system because it is already too far gone and corrupted. The best you can do is to gain a deep understanding of what you are up against and protect yourself. It is always better to take the red pill.
I once heard a woman say there was no need for a movement for issues men have because there already was one called feminism. Wtf? Look, if “feminism” were about human beings it would be called humanism. It doesn’t take a a genius to see the root of the word has to do with females. In addition, when feminists such as yourself talk about men, there is either a total lack of understanding of the realities now faced by men or a suspicious lack of empathy/compassion. People who deny the misandric core of our society just prove over and over… Read more »
“If you don’t believe that, think for a moment about how hard boys will work to please a demanding football coach.” The fact you think football players are working hard only to please their coach is astonishing to me, that you can understand even less about male nature than female feminists. Men work hard to please themselves. They want to impress themselves. Not other men. Football players work hard for their coach because they want to succeed as football players, because they trust that their coach is pushing them for their own good and because they understand the need for… Read more »
I going to say one word: Patriarchy. Its the word that makes people look at me like I am crazy when I say it.
Then I am going to say Thank You. Spot on. I’m glad my observations are seen by someone else. I am very observant. People think I’m insane when I say I think I know people’s motivations… my bluntness can kill. Apparently.
“The men’s rights activists tend to be wildly off-base about what women actually want, but that’s another topic.”
That topic being “women want a drug addict who will attempt to kill them while they’re unconscious.”
Seriously, why is Hugo being published here (or anywhere for that matter)?
Aaaaaand you prove his point.
Dear Hugo. Look up Trojan Evolve commercial. Do you feel like a pig?
My impression is the opposite, I think women have been successful in morphing the masculine ideal into something they ironically dont like. I know my dad didnt teach me to be a man, it was something I had to piece together myself. Why do you think the program Mad Men has become a roaring success? I think there is something primal that attracts women to men who dont complain, who have a mission in life, are oversexed and unapologetic.
odd and disturbing that the author doesn’t write of the large-scale violent assault and mutilation of male infants (yes, what people numbly and blindly call “circumcision”). if u can’t see, or imagine, how this violent genital assault on an infant has profound effects, you are in major denial and fear. please… look directly and deeply, honestly, into this basic sickness yet among us.
At what point do you determine that male anger is justified as opposed to merely a symptom of a “masculine ideal”? Rather than glossing over the real issues and telling men how they should feel and why they feel it, wouldn’t it be far more honest to acknowledge that such unfair systems exist?
This entire article is just one long run-on ad hominem attack on men isn’t it?
Is that true of all this guys articles?
(1) I’m not American
(2) I don’t care about “manhood” or “tradition”
But mystifyingly I arrive at the same conclusions as the MRAs (except even more so).
Next week:
Hugo responds to all of my arguments by explaining “he’s just a momma’s boy”.
Demonspawn: Given that 85+% of K-12 teachers are female, given that 40% of births are out of wedlock, given that women get primary custody in divorce 90+% of the time, given that even in intact families women are much more likely to be a stay at home parent… we can see women’s disproportionate impact on influencing the youth of the next generation. When you add those facts to the understanding that women are a majority, how can the next generation be anything other than what women want it to be? It has nearly always been the case that women were… Read more »
Hugo, Thank you for the post. I enjoy reading another point of view. I just completely disagree with most of what you write. I read this post and tried to imagine if it was written about women and the hail storm that would erupt. Men continue to take in on the chin and whenever we stand up for ourselves have to contend with “he’s angry” or “women hater” of “he’s anti-women” no I’m not, I love women, I’m just tired of men being treated like idiots in the media when we are the ones financially supporting most of the institutions… Read more »
MRA’s face a two-front opposition to be heard; feminists who have the default support of women and male feminists. Feminists alone did not make the changes, and still do not make the changes, that MRA’s seek redress for. Men who support feminism facilitate these changes as well. The problem now is feminist men do not want to face the real problems that men, outside of the feminist utopia, face. Men are treated well until divorce, accusation of rape, accusation of DV, being on the receiving end of violence from women, being raped by women, access to their children, right of… Read more »
Awesome. We should totally try to “translate” some of Hugo’s stuff.
Feminism? I think I understand Feminism far better than you do. The first thing to remember is that feminism was never and likely will never be a movement for equality. It was a movement for, in it’s most pure form, equal rights for women. But equal rights alone is not equality, as it ignores the burdens of equal responsibility. And remember this point, as we’ll return to it again. But for right now, let’s look at modern feminism: 1) Please enumerate any government-granted rights which men have and women do not have in equal or greater levels. 2) Please enumerate… Read more »
Your comment has helped me cope, for the moment, with the doubts I’ve been having about myself in a social scene where anyone who isn’t a feminist is either dumb, evil, or uneducated.
Bravo. I’m saving this to show to other morons that say I have “male privilege”… while I’m holding the door for them.
Thanks for this comment, it realy makes a lot of sense and puts things into perspektive.
You got one thing wrong, though. Feminism is not just for “women’s rights” – it is for the advancement of all humans regardless of biological sex or gender. Your false dichotomy, and assumption of a gender binary, shows that you actually just simply don’t grasp the later waves of Feminist Theory. i’m male-bodied and don’t call myself a feminist, but at least i know the basics.
Having Hugo Schwyzer writing an article for The Goodman Project reduces it credibility by many orders of magnitude.
“Men are suffering because their emotional, psychological, intellectual, and sexual potential is stunted by their own efforts to live up to an impossible masculine ideal.”
Couldn’t it be argued, as a counterpoint, that men are driven to that kind of self-defeating pursuit by social pressure?
“The cause of men’s very real unhappiness isn’t a biased family court system, or feminist college professors, or the perceived injustices of Title IX athletic funding. The source of men’s anguish and uncertainty is the straitjacket of traditional American manhood. Men are suffering because their emotional, psychological, intellectual, and sexual potential is stunted by their own efforts to live up to an impossible masculine ideal.” Thank you so much for explaining the source of men’s unhappiness so succinctly. Before reading your article, I had no idea that the reason my ex-wife got custody by default was due to my own… Read more »
You realize that it is the “straitjacket of traditional American manhood,” that was the reason why you did not get custody of your children? We live in a heteronormative culture that does not allow for men to be good parents, despite the fact that they are equally as capable as women. The courts just reflect what popular culture tells them, and for YEARS, the courts have been told by this heteronormative culture that one shouldn’t trust men with kids (which, let me remind you again, is utter bullshit). It’s not just you personally in “straitjacket of traditional American manhood,” it’s… Read more »
Okay… So why were men granted custody by default prior to the 20th century? What we’ve seen in the court system is an over correction based on a narrative that is, at most, 100 years old. This is the result of patriarchy how? The feminists that have gotten laws enacted and changed haven’t done anything to safeguard the rights of the opposite sex and they’ve gone to great lengths to preserve everything that benefits them. This does not mean all women or all feminists deserve the blame for male suffering, but it does mean two things: 1. Prominent feminists have… Read more »
Exactly what he said. Your social narrative simply does not reflect reality, Schweizer.
hot debate??? there is no debate, if your comment is not welcomed by the hivemind, it is removed.
If feminism were even remotely an equal rights movement, virtually ever man, woman, and child would call themselves a feminists. Obviously, since very few women almost no men call themselves feminists, it’s clearly got nothing to do with actual equality.
It’s such a shame that so many women think that feminism is a dirty word. In its best and most common incarnation, feminism is not the latest battle in the war against the sexes, but a means of obtaining reprieve. It concerns itself with violence against women, but not to the detriment of concern for violence against men. It is more about questioning and eventually dismantling a system that is based on myth and stereotype: that women want, need, or lack control, and that men naturally have it and should use force to maintain it, but not too much. Kudos… Read more »
Seems to me that all the people who disagree with what hugo says have been downvoted. That tells me their are more woman on this so called goodmen project than men. Now i wonder why it is that a magazine created for men seems to be turning them off could it be because most of their if not all of their article writers are feminists or are bias towards men and in paticular mras,mgtow and pua`s. the day i take adive from you hugo or any man like you will be the day the femarellas have a collar around my… Read more »
This is actually very well thought out, Shark, but allow me one big’ol womanly criticism: Gender police? So very inaccurate. In my experience… well… how about a story? A college graduate I lived with had a big upset with her fiancee when she found out he had been with five other women over the course of their relationship. They went to therapy, talked it out etc. and mutually decided to stick together, continue the relationship and slowly work through the fall-out. Cool beans, said the ladies over margaritas. While there were one or two loud, wordy exceptions, most of us… Read more »
Of course Hugo FAILS to account for the hypocritical entitlement mentality of feminism. He is like many emasculated males in our society who are never taught to question the tenets of feminism: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plkeKMTDM9g
At least Manhood Academy has the balls to expose the scam of feminism.
“Men are suffering because their emotional, psychological, intellectual, and sexual potential is stunted by their own efforts to live up to an impossible masculine ideal.” “Being a man, in other words, is defined by divesting oneself of anything remotely associated with femininity (like kindness, sensitivity, intuition, empathy).” These truisms are something that have to become realized by more boys and men so that we will finally stop repeating the destructive cycle of the “tough guy” attitude egged on by society for ages and ages past. Men are inherently capable of kindness, sensitivity, intuition, & empathy and they should not try… Read more »
I do not think, MRAs are getting feminism wrong.
I am not surprised that you delete comments from MRAs on your own blog all the time, because the truth hurts.
Hugo, you are surely not, what I would call ‘a good man’.