Bisexual men, ‘the unicorns of the sexuality spectrum,’ do, in fact, exist. Hugo Schwyzer argues that bi guys are no less capable of fidelity than the rest of us.
“You’re either gay, straight, or lying.”
I first heard that oft-repeated phrase when I was an 18-year-old freshman at UC Berkeley. I was at my first meeting of the GLBA (Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Alliance). I’d recently broken up with a girlfriend, and had been dating (and sleeping with) both men and women; I was ready to “come out” as bi and to get involved in campus activism. But as I quickly found out, though there were equal numbers of gay men and lesbians in the group, the only bisexuals were women. And while many of those women faced a certain amount of “bi-phobia,” at least the GLBA acknowledged their existence.
Bisexual men, I was told, didn’t exist: we were either cowards or liars, too scared or too dishonest to admit we were really gay.
This belief that bi men are the unicorns of the sexuality spectrum remains tenacious. A widely cited 2005 study found no evidence that men could be sexually attracted to both genders. (The study involved showing both gay and straight porn to a group of men who identified as bi. Seventy-five percent of the men in the study were physiologically aroused only by the gay erotica—and the other 25 percent only by the hetero stuff. No one was equally turned on by both.)
One of the corollaries to this dismissiveness of the possibility of male bisexuality is what I call the “sexual one-drop rule.” The original one-drop rule, developed in the Jim Crow era, declared that anyone who had as much as a drop of “Negro blood” was to be considered “colored.” To be white, one had to be free from any African ancestry. The sexual version is similar: It declares that any man who has any sexual attraction to other men is gay. Women can have complex and fluid desires, but men live by a strict dichotomy. You either are or you aren’t, and if you’ve ever wanted to fuck a man (or acted on that want), then you’re gay. End of story.
I ran into the one-drop rule just a month ago. My wife and I were out to dinner with a good friend of ours, a single woman in her 40s. She was sharing her war stories from the cyber-dating world, and mentioned having met a great guy whom she really liked—until he let slip, on the third date, that he had had boyfriends as well as girlfriends in the past. “That ended that,” our friend said. “If he’s been with men, then he’s gay in my book.”
I chose the moment to share my own history of having dated both men and women. Our friend was floored. She kept looking at my wife, her eyes seemingly asking the question her lips wouldn’t speak: “How can you trust him to be faithful?” My wife just smiled her Mona Lisa smile in return.
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I’ve known I was attracted to both men and women since my early teens. Long before I’d been kissed, my sexual fantasies featured both boys and girls. I remember the trepidation and excitement I’d feel changing for PE classes, desperately afraid I’d get an erection and be outed. (It never happened, thank goodness.)
I was equally eager to see naked girls—I just had much less opportunity to do so, at least in real life. At age 14, I found a porn magazine featuring a pictorial of two men and a woman, and I used that as a masturbation aid for months until the pages literally fell apart.
My introduction to sex with men came in a ménage a trois. My first teenage girlfriend, who had her own kinky streak, knew my fantasies and wanted to see me with another man. She set up a threesome with a co-worker from her job at an ice cream store. It was the most erotically memorable experience of my high school years, and is something I still think about on the rare occasions I find myself in a Baskin-Robbins. After that girlfriend and I broke up, I had sex with a series of men (and women) over the next several years.
But before I went to my first GLBA meeting, I’d figured out something about myself. While I was sexually attracted to both men and women, I found the idea of actually falling in love with a man to be preposterous. With men, I wanted hot sex and nothing else. I didn’t even enjoy kissing guys (the stubble burn was a turn-off. I had no idea how women endured that.) But I knew from experience that I could fall in love with women. On a physical level, I was drawn to both; on a romantic plane, I was straight as an arrow.
Researchers on bisexuality have often noted that those who identify as bi often have that same heart/body disconnect that I experienced. In the 1860s, the pioneering sexual rights crusader Karl Heinrich Ulrichs wrote of “conjunctive” and “disjunctive” bisexuals. The former could be sexually and romantically drawn to both genders, while the latter could fall in love with just one sex while still lusting for both. Ulrichs claimed that “disjunctives” came in both varieties (some bisexuals could fall in love with their own sex but not the other; some could fall in love with the opposite sex but not their own. But in order to “qualify” as bisexual, disjunctives needed to have physical desire for both men and women.)
Ulrichs considered both conjunctive and disjunctive bisexuality in both sexes to be a normal variation on the human condition. Though he was scorned and mocked for his enlightened views, the real tragedy may be that he wasn’t just ahead of his time—when it comes to accepting male bisexuality as authentic, he’s ahead of our time.
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In more than a quarter-century of thinking, writing, and eventually teaching about male bisexuality, I’ve become convinced that the inability to accept the reality of bisexuality in men is linked to fears about fidelity. The myth that men are naturally promiscuous while women are naturally monogamous endures. So we assume that a bisexual woman can make a commitment to either a man or a woman, and that she’ll be able to stay faithful. But we already think straight men have a hard enough time remaining true—the expectation that a bisexual man will invariably cheat is high. When our friend shot my wife that look when I revealed my sexual history with men, I’m fairly sure that’s what she was thinking: He’s either lying or cheating.
But though she didn’t ask, she may have been wondering how my wife coped with the visceral reality that I have had sex with men. We live in a culture in which sex between two women is regularly eroticized while sex between two men gets labeled “disgusting.” While the most fervent declarations of revulsion at the thought of guy-on-guy sex are usually from men (especially the ones who feel pressure to prove their heterosexual bona fides), I’ve known plenty of women who liked gay and bi men perfectly well—but were repulsed by the thought of what those men actually do in bed.
In my younger, single years, I found that women had two reactions to the discovery of my bisexuality. (It wasn’t something I often announced on first dates, but I rarely kept it a secret for long.) Some women, like my first girlfriend, found the idea incredibly hot. The stereotype of the man who pressures his girlfriend to have a threesome with another woman is justly famous, but I can attest that the reverse is not as rare as might be imagined. Though only one woman went so far as to arrange a ménage a trois with another guy, there were a couple of others who loved it when I would recount erotic details to them in bed.
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The stereotype of the man who pressures his girlfriend to have a threesome with another woman is justly famous, but I can attest that the reverse is not as rare as might be imagined.
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The second reaction was, of course, disgust. I can recall dating a grad school classmate of mine back in the early ’90s. Liz had impeccable liberal credentials (a Wellesley alumna, she’d experimented with women in her teens), but her progressive politics stopped cold at the thought of dating a man who had had sex with other men. “I’m so sorry, Hugo,” she said when she told me she was calling things off. “I’ve got no problem with gay men. But I can’t be intimate with a man who’s done what you’ve done without getting a giant image in my head of what you’ve done. And forgive me, but it’s just … gross.”
If there are two things you can’t talk people out of, it’s what gets them hot and what turns them off. Once the truth came out, I had no chance with Liz.
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But in the end, the big fear so many people have about bisexuality really does revolve around the capacity to be faithful. I can’t speak for every man who has dealt with a lifetime of sexual attraction to both men and women. But I can speak from my own experience, which is that monogamy is no harder for bisexuals than it is for straight or gay folks. Even if you’re only sexually attracted to females, there’s no way your wife or girlfriend can possibly embody everything that draws you to women.
One of my exes had a beautiful voice, a soprano so breathtaking it brought tears of joy to my eyes. My beloved wife, Eira, has a thousand amazing talents, but can’t carry a tune. I’m no more likely to leave the mother of my daughter for a man than I am to leave her for a member of the L.A. Master Chorale. No partner can be everything to us. Every honest heterosexual in a monogamous relationship admits that his or her partner lacks something that others might have. It’s no different for bisexuals. Really.
Before making a lifetime commitment to someone, almost everyone—gay, straight, or bi—struggles with the realization that if everything works out as they hope, they’ll never have sex with anyone other than their partners for the rest of their lives. Lots of people find that terrifying. But that’s a general fear about the loss of possibility rather than a specific anxiety about not being able to sleep with a particular type. An engaged man might have some misgivings about fidelity, but he’s not thinking “Damn, my fiancée is a brunette. I’ll never fuck a natural blonde again.”
We accept that women’s sexuality is remarkably fluid. That’s a good thing, as that recognition opens up a whole world of possibility. But the flip side is the continued insistence that male sexuality is static, simple, and comes in only two distinct flavors: gay or straight.
That thinking doesn’t just sell bisexual guys short. It reinforces the toxic myth that men can never have inner lives as rich, complex, and surprising as women so evidently do.
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About Hugo Schwyzer
As a bisexual woman, there is so much in this article that I relate to. I TOO lust after both sexes but can only imagine falling in love with men. I TOO have been given that “eye” with regards to monogamy. Could I actually stay true to someone when they are limited to one sex and not constantly desire the opposite?
Honestly, I never considered a bisexual man to be such a rare thing. I had no idea of the stereotypes. Then again, I think many people are terrified of their true sexual nature and squash much of what they think is “hot” anyway.
Kudos to you for writing this. Wonderful article!
I like gay male porn. Does that make me a gay dude?
Um… right.
Couldn’t agree more with you here, and it certainly hits a chord with me. I identify as bi, and have encountered the “oh, you’re just experimenting” from others, *mainly* my gay and lesbian friends. I feel like it’s “oh you’re just experimenting” for bi girls and “oh you are gay gay gay” for boys. And the whole infidelity thing? Women-on-women isn’t cheating, and yet bi men *must* be cheating… wtf?
There is so much here… I really want to explore this further one day… Great post.
PS A great vid of Dan Savage discussing the constraints this all places on straight dudes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS2my1FN_A4. Not exactly on topic, but it’s still about putting everyone in a box, instead of allowing sexuality to be free.
Amazing, Hugo! I actually wrote something really similar a couple years ago on a blog, as a journalist, so I can assure you we face the same problem here in South America. Bisexuals, both men and women, are automatically taken as unable to commit. I remember going out with a girl and right on our first date, all of her friends were telling her she shouldn’t even go for it, simply because I was bi and therefore – so they believed – unreliable. I could totally relate when I read about your friend’s reaction and I’ve seen that oh-you-poor-thing look being thrown towards a girlfriend when I told I was bi. We grow up hearing from our gay and lesbian folks that we are in the closet, while we have to listen to our straight friends saying it’s only a “phase”. It only got worse after Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”… then it became a fashion statement. ¬¬
While most people have a really hard time believing that bisexuals do actually exist, I came to think that everybody is at least potentially bi and that straight or gay labels are much more related to a monogamous society rule than to in fact being one thing or another, as I can assure all my gay and lesbian friends (and I do have a lot gay and lesbian friends) don’t leave aside the chance of maybe, someday, feeling attracted to someone of the opposite sex st a party and most of them already have in mind at least one person they would actually hook up with “maybe, someday”.
It’s very common, thought, that people assume you’ve become gay or straight depending on who you’re with. I stayed three years dating only girls in a row and someone said “oh, so now you’re lesbian, huh?” and I had to explain that even if I stayed the rest of my life sleeping with only girls, I’d still be bi. And vice-verse. But it seems that bisexuality implies bigamy. If you choose living a monogamous relationship you have to stick to one sex (gosh, isn’t it obvious?) and in other people’s eye that means you were always secretly gay (or straight).
I think bisexuality faces different problems of acceptance for men and women. For us, it’s much more socially accepted, but in a very superficial way. It’s acceptable because no one takes the feeling serious, they think about girls who are friends and had a “thing”. People rarely gave credit to my relationships with girls. No one thinks you’re seriously in love, unless you’re lesbian. If you dated men as well, no one would be believe I meant staying with my girlfriend or that we faced relationship problems just as anyone else, everything came back to the “oh, I think you miss going out with guys” argument. But the worst is to feel bisexuality is “cooler” and more acceptable for women because MEN find it hot. Well, there goes all the validation…
What you pointed out, thought, is also true. I heard so many times people saying “Bi girls, ok, fine. But bi men just don’t exist!” and I always stood there alone, defending that anyone could feel attraction or love towards both sexes. I think the “gayness” for men is much more stereotyped and strong (and “feared”) as for girls. It’s still unacceptable in out society that men feel any sort of attraction for other men. It makes them automatically gay. That’s so stupid… I wish people would care about what really matters and act on what they feel like doing… they would have amazing experiences and be much closer to who they sincerely are! And I kinda think it’s even more absurd that the gay community won’t be open minded about it… they prejudge just as much (or worse) as the straight community.
I also loved the references on the article. I will search for the work of Ulrichs! Thank you for the awesome articles, as usual. This became one of my favorites, right after the one about “Male Nudity x Female Nudity” and the one about the Princess complex. I wish everyone would read whatever you write… it’s always intellectually valuable!
Keep up the good work!
Oh my god, I wrote too much. Sorry! lol
Enjoyed reading…. Nothing to worry about…
Melissa, hands down, your reply to Hugo’s article is the best one, yet. =) Awesome insight.
Also, before I continue, I would like to thank Hugo for creating this in the first place – I truly enjoyed the reading.
I find it funny, frustrating and interesting on how our general public sees and approaches sexuality. Heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality…does it really matter? I don’t think so but I don’t think most will agree with me.
As many have already stated, it is all about labels and, even, status. Take some of our politicians, regardless if they are straight, closeted gay or bi, they do as much work to prove that they are in a heterosexual and very happy monogamous relationship. If you are straight but act outside your gender role then you must be gay or a dike. (insert rolling eyes here)
Homosexuality faces hatred and insults from outside the LGBT as much as it comes from within. Speaking of adult men (out of high school – since that changed things) who are “closeted gay” are mocked in the gay community for not being out and proud. Heterosexual men or women in a gay/lesbian club are going to be questioned about their sexuality from everyone around. (insert rolling eyes here).
So this leaves us with bisexuality – a sexuality that is mocked by everyone. If you declare yourself as bi then you will automatically be considered selfish, going through a phase, in the process of coming fully out of the closet, etc.
I’m a man who enjoys sex with men and women. In terms of romantic emotions, I’m a man who is only attracted to women. I am a man who enjoys being single as much as being in a healthy (monogamous) relationship yet aware that a polyamorous relationship may be best.
The point here is that I am a man who is comfortable, honest and happy enough with whohe is to not be focused on what label I, or anyone else in this world, match with because it does not matter as long as you are happy with yourself and live YOUR life the way you wish to live it.
Is that so difficult to do? Because I don’t think so…but not many will agree. =)
PS: =) Cheating as much as being faithful is not determined by gender, age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc. It is determinded by the individual and their views; nothing else.
Couldn’t agree more! Cheating is a matter of character, of principles… it has nothing to do with your sexuality. And, yes, does it really matter what “you are”? I would like people to start seeing what “you are” as what you want or feel or think about at that very moment.
You also raised a really good discussion… Why, oh, why do we go around gay parties asking people about their sexuality? Don’t we hate it when straight folks do it? And more importantly: shouldn’t it be insignificant?!?!
We still have a long way to go, dear Society. But it thrills me to see such positive and “ahead of out time” opinions from different people here!
fabulous article
I recommend this on male bisexuality:
http://www.marksimpson.com/blog/2009/04/23/male-bisexuality-is-it-cool/
great read. i do have a problem with the use of “equally”. does being bi mean you have to be attracted to men and women equally? even the writer seems not to be of that opinion, since he says his attraction to guys does not translate into falling in love with them…
No, some people are equally attracted to men and women, others mostly men, and others mostly women. While I detest labels, technically I am bisexual. I find both sexes attractive, but I engage in more sexual encounters with men than women. I suspect that most bisexual people favor one sex over the other. I also suspect that most bisexual people have specific attractions or desires when it comes to either sex.
I think that is why the study Hugo mentioned ended up with the results it did. The study results only told what turns on bisexual people more, and not necessarily what their actual orientation is. And perhaps the study did not factor in the taboo nature of male-on-male sex. That taboo could result in greater interest without necessarily reflecting the person’s real desire.
I don’t think it means an equal 50/50 split on attraction (in fact I suspect that even though such a divide is not a problem, I think its quite rare). Even though I’ve been sexually attracted to both men and women in my day speaking in strict numbers I’m actually more attracted to women
absolutely not.. I am an an openly bisexual man, and my desires run 75/25 to 80/20 percentages Female/male.
Hugo has set a new benchmark in recognition that the “fashion” of feminine bisexuality is waning and the REALITY that bisexual men are, for the most part, the unsung heroes of true open minded sexual exploration.
There are many women who openly seek bi-men. There are millions more women who quietly crave male-male sex visually & viscerally.
Its a simple fact. Gay porn, both e-viewing as well as good old fashioned DVD purchases, is at least 40% of the buyers/watchers are FEMALE…. things that make you go hmmmmmm.
Thank you Hugo. I have linked your work to other sites (proper credit of course).
R.
Women viewing gay porn is different than women actually wanting to participate in such a scenario. I think the majority of that is just women fetishizing male homosexuality. For them it is a novelty, a sort of cartoonish fantasy of male sex. Yaoi is a good reflection of women’s comical and unrealistic perception of male homosexuality.
But that is a separate issue from male bisexuality. In my experience, women are not that accepting of male bisexuality, especially if the man is open about it. I doubt it has anything to do with revulsion about the acts that men engage. It likely comes from assumptions about men’s preferences and concern over competing with a man for their bisexual lover’s attention.
Melissa and jacob both raise an interesting point. Broadly speaking why do het men find being in a relationship with a bi woman ok and hot. But het women do not (even pre hiv) find it ok or hot to be with a bi man.
I believe this is one of the main reasons for the invisibility of bi men. The disapproval, of the broad mass of het women
Straight women liking gay men is pretty much the exact same situation as straight men liking lesbians, just with the sexes reversed…
I’d point that using “opposite” as a qualifier for sex is not too helpful. It’s an other sex, maybe THE other sex if you want – but it’s not opposite.
What a fantastic article! Thanks for writing it.
One thing I want to mention, though, is in reference to this:
“Before making a lifetime commitment to someone, almost everyone—gay, straight, or bi—struggles with the realization that if everything works out as they hope, they’ll never have sex with anyone other than their partners for the rest of their lives.”
I certainly agree that the majority of people have that hope/expectation. And there are quite a lot of people who are in open relationships, whether they’re polyamorous, in a triad or other group relationship, swingers, or non-monogamous in any other structure.
You said recently that “monogamy should be a choice, not the default. Those of us who like and embrace monogamy can do so without insisting that ours is the only (or even the superior) path.” But to phrase monogamy as the result of “everything working out as [people] hope” seems like it’s in some tension with that.
Other than that one nit-pick, I loved this piece and will definitely send it around.
“But in the end, the big fear so many people have about bisexuality really does revolve around the capacity to be faithful.”
The above article conclusion seems like a near total miss to me – the simpler and more obvious answer would requires asking a closeted bisexual man why he is not willing to expose his bisexuality.
The answer back will not be a perceived loss of individual faithfulness by self or by others looking in.
Everyone should read the link above posted by Quiet Girl.
Quiet Gurl’s link is an equally amazing piece of work… what is your point?
Look, the quandary I have dealt with for 20+ years now, as a bisexual male, is the factor of “oh so when you want some dick you’re just gonna go find it”… fidelity. bottom line, There is no “fashion porn” for bisexual men. Women don’t congregate around the coffee maker/water cooler lamenting that they wish “her man would suck a dick for her”…. its a social stigma. A social double standard. EVERYONE wants to think its hip. cool, sexy, fashionable to be a bisexual or bi-curious/furious chic. Take 16 minutes on any dating site… the girls with the most attention are either bi or bi-curious…
Women are, in my feeble opinion, selectively monogamous. Fashion, Marketing, Society, and the internet (aka porn) have opened the flood gates for WOMEN to frolic and its no longer INFIDELITY if its another woman. But give a guy the same “free pass” oh no… that’s “gross” , “unsafe”, “dangerous” etc.
Don’t post an ambiguous statement. If you don’t agree with the blog, step up.
Maybe I am completely missing your point… but then again, you didn’t make one….
R.
What are you babbling about?
My point is pretty clear. The author’s conclusion with regards to faithfulness is off base. You pretty much make the make same point yourself.
If you need me to spring board off of into a comment – feel free, but don’t be a goof about it.
I understand where Elissa is coming from with her statement. If I understood her correctly, she is just criticizing the way the article was concluded vs. the actual, over all, message of the article. I may be off here but this is, at least, what I got from her original post.
=)
Excellent essay.
BTW, I have heard from numerous lesbians that they enjoy gay male pornography because nothing is faked.
What gay porn have they been viewing?
It’s about fears about fidelity?! Funny, I thought there was a different word for when people react with fear and disgust to the idea of homosexual sex….
Funny that fidelity and lack thereof is the big issue of the article, which is excellent. To me there were bigger issues.
I told my wife I was bi-sexual before we got married in 1965. She was OK with that until the HIV epidemic and until we had children. We stayed married for 34 years and raised 2 great kids. When I had gay sex during that time it was primarily only with other married men. Safer that way. After the dog died and the kids moved away, I decided I needed to have free gay sex.
When I came out as a gay man I had already decided not to use the “BI” term for the reasons stated above, people think you either are lying or are trying to cover up your gayness.
I find the Kinsey scale helpful where at one end of the spectrum one is primarily gay and at the other primarily straight. I put myself about two or three clicks away from primarily gay.
I have only had one menage a trois with one woman and one man and it was fun, but I am not giving up Facebook for it.
I’m looking forward to the rest of “Sex Week” on this medium.
You spent 34 years with a woman you were barely attracted to… And you were having sex with men during this time… AND you wanted her to be ok with it? What are you smoking? That is extremely selfish, unless she too had a free pass to have sex with other men (presumably she was not also bi).
I’ve met plenty of folks who think bisexual women are either crazy or lying, too. Of all people, my freshman roommate at Oberlin held that particular belief. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. Still, I know bi guys have it worse. Thanks for writing about it.
I am finding these series of articles this week rather confusing. Men are not supposed to be insecure but open to vulnerability and intimacy. As a victim of childhood sexual abuse (male to male) it is very difficult to find where I fit within the continuum. You haven’t mentioned celibacy. I choose celibacy because the traumatic memories surface when intimacy occurs. Through therapy I am hoping to reach the day when sexuality is not threatening but fulfilling…
Fist things first:
*Gives Hugo a big thankyou hug*
I agree with the girlfriend who broke up with you when you fessed up – I wouldn’t be able to date a man that had been with another man. Yet here I sit, married to one. He told me he had a very short relationship with a boy when he was 13 and in prep school. I asked if that was it for his same sex experience and he said yes. I snooped in his archives after we were married and found his history of being gay, then bi, and saw his visits to a website for bi married men, which is how he identifies himself. I confronted him and he said he lied because he knew I would dump him. He’s right – I would have. We’ve been married now for three years and I am miserable. Every time we have sex I think about him with a man and am totally turned off. I think he was still seeing his gay lover after we were married. He looks at gay porn and reads gay and incest stuff. I would leave him now but I’m a full-time student and dependent on him financially. As soon as I graduate, I’m leaving. I can’t live like this forever.
How do you explain that study you mentioned? Especially when analogous studies on women yielded completely opposite results (pretty much EVERYTHING aroused them, even chimpanzees having sex iirc)…
I find the whole i love your fun bits and love to play with them thing but ewww to kissing, cuddling or anything intimate with you besides pure sex because you’re(insert whatever sex here) very hedonistic and sad from bisexuals. How demeaning to whatever gender it’s directed towards.
It’d be nice if people like that can just leave their sex and relationship wants to the sex that can fulfil both needs rather than using one sex as fun bags while being disgusted at “romantic” stuff and using the other sex for the serious stuff.
The problem for bisexual men is that there are so few of us but it is great to see such a sane article as this which surely reflects the experiences of many bisexual men as it certainly does mine.
There are more bi or bi-capable men than u believe. As with lots of thing once male, some male features are now viewed as ‘female’. The current female beauty standard is a male body-long lean legs, small bum, small hips(all more usually found on male bodies).
It is not uncommon for the legs in hose advertising to be a man’s
Put a photo of the legs of a tv in phose, hiheels infront of men that are attracted to the bodies of thin women- i bet most of them would feel arousal..and be confused by it lol:-)
Though to be fair, the idea of women’s sexual fluidity is far from always a good thing. It’s that sort of thing that keeps people form accepting a lesbian or even bisexual identity (it turns into a one drop rule where they’re always assumed to be stright). Hell, one guy was so set on nailing a friend of mine that he offered to buy us both drinks after he got into his head that we were a couple.