“Who you allow into your life, mind and heart are among the most important decisions you will ever make.”- Bryant McGill
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Yesterday, I read with fascination fellow Good Men Project editor, Thomas G. Fiffer’s article entitled What Are Your Relationship Deal Breakers? and an immediately felt that irrepressible zap in my psyche’ and butterflies in my stomach that told me I needed to respond from a woman’s perspective. After a decent night’s sleep from which The Muse (who I say is like an insatiable lover) woke me with a sweet kiss, and informed me that I needed to do its bidding, I am offering my take. Relationships are the fundamental building blocks of human existence. They begin from conception and perhaps even before, since everything is connected to something. If you follow a thread, it leads somewhere. Since I was child, I was fascinated with what makes people tick and how relationships work. I had the blessing of witnessing a life long love affair that was my parents’ marriage. It began in 1956 and ‘ended’ in 2008 when my dad died of Parkinson’s, (and my mom joined him in 2010) but I am convinced that these two sweethearts who danced in the kitchen, held hands, smooched a lot, called each other silly names and wrote mushy love letters, are together still. I admit that they set the bar pretty high and as of now, I have yet to have vaulted over it in any of my own relationships, including a nearly 12 year marriage. I do welcome it.
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My career path has wound around that fabric as well. A s a therapist with three decades of experience, interfaith minister, writer, teacher, radio host (It’s All About Relationships), I immerse myself in love soup daily. In my personal life, I have been a daughter, sister, partner, wife, widow, mother, aunt and friend. In the interim, since my husband died in 1998, I have been in short term relationships, have had wonderful lovers, as well as friends with benefits. I have done the on-line dating thing; sometimes with glee, other times with groans. I have met partners ‘the old fashioned way’- face to face. Know that this list is not coming from a holier than thou perspective and although I am a pretty good catch, I imagine that I could drive someone bonkers at times too.
Being in integrity is a value that I hold in high regard for myself and others in my life. If someone lies about little things, is he also likely to lie about bigger things?
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From all of this, I have gleaned a valuable lesson: Love is never wasted. From some relationships, I have learned as much about what I don’t want as what I do want. Although I believe in framing language in the positive, especially if I want to call in something I desire, I know that I need to clear the decks by acknowledging what I don’t want. Some of the list below, have been part of previous relationships, while others are qualities that I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. Each of us has the right to our preferences and although there are no perfect partners, it helps to have some basis of compatibility from the get-go, so that when the road gets bumpy, those involved can navigate safely without falling into too many potholes.
Abuse of any kind. Sticks and stones do break bones and names hurt. Words that intentionally wound can tear irreparable holes in souls.
Active addiction. I work in the mental health and recovery field and see daily, the impact of substance abuse and addictive behaviors on relationship. I tell folks that it is like having another partner in the relationship that the other one either didn’t agree to or thought they could live with. They will always, first and foremost be married to the bottle, pill, needle…..
Smoking. Just plain….yukk! Smoking is optional, breathing isn’t. Anyone want to kiss an ashtray? A come clean confessional here….several years ago, while in a short term (4 months long, which I say was 3 weeks and 3 months too long, since the red flags started waving the first week, but lonely and horny superseded sound judgment) relationship, we would go out dancing at a local hangout that still allowed smoking. While this man didn’t smoke, we would come home with it in our hair and clothes. I would immediately hop in the shower; he didn’t. In my co-dependent haze, I allowed him in my bed, still reeking of smoke. The second part was that he drank too much for my comfort and when he saw that it bothered me, he would have one more, to prove that he could. See previous paragraph.
Lying or otherwise hiding the truth. Being in integrity is a value that I hold in high regard for myself and others in my life. If someone lies about little things, is he also likely to lie about bigger things? I believe in meaning what I say and saying what I mean.
My view of the green eyed monster is that it stems from insecurity and the belief that there isn’t enough love to go around.
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Expecting me to clean up literal or emotional messes. I too often practiced ‘savior behavior’; attempting to fix, save, heal and cure, as well as kiss the boo boos and make them all better. As a result, I attracted partners with sometimes un-healable wounds. My literal clean up guidelines: If you open it, close it. If you take it out, put it back. If you drop it, pick it up. It you make a mess, clean it up. I love something one of my clients shared when talking about house rules with his teenage kids. “The sink is for doing dishes, not storing dishes.” I told him I was stealing that one!
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Controlling my activities. This one has not happened, however, as independent adults, we have the right to have individual activities that enhance our lives and ultimately, the relationship. Checking in with each other is one thing. Constantly monitoring is a whole ‘nother critter.
Jealousy. My view of the green eyed monster is that it stems from insecurity and the belief that there isn’t enough love to go around. If there is stability and security, as well as open communication between the couple, then it is less likely to occur.
Unwillingness to communicate feelings in a healthy way or not doing his own inner work. A relationship can thrive in an environment in which those involved are willing to do the excavation and cave exploration together or it can turn into a mudslide if either maintain their armor coating or explosively express emotion.
Blaming others for his experiences or emotions. Although people may have experienced trauma or abuse in childhood, there is always a choice about whether to remain in victim mode or to move forward into survivor and then thriver mindset. No one ‘makes’ anyone do or say or feel anything. Our emotions are our own responsibility and what we do with them, our own choice. Being responsive, rather reactive can make or break an interaction.
Not sharing in financial responsibility. This can be a tricky one, since as an independent woman, who has supported herself as a single parent since age 4o, I am now learning to be treated by men. Once a relationship is established, it feels ‘right’, to balance the fiscal fundamentals. There was one relationship in particular in which I was paying for more than he was, because I was working full time and he was patch-working together part time work. That got old pretty quickly.
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Sexist, racist, homophobic, xenophobic beliefs. Hatred and bigotry poison hearts and contribute to societal violence. At the first mention of anything that fits into those categories, my hackles get raised and I’m outa there!
Lack of self respect. If someone doesn’t respect himself, it is unlikely he will respect others. For me, that includes his living environment and his car. I’m not a neat freak and not white glove clean, but it someone’s home looks like your teenager’s bedroom and you don’t want to sit on the sofa, let alone stay over, that might give you a clue. My contention is that the way we treat our environment is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. On the flip side, I welcome kindred spirit, open hearted, loving, generous giver, gracious receiver, creative, intelligent, peacemaker, fun, affectionate in word and deed folks into my life.
Who do you allow in your mind, heart and life?
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Not being able to meet my sexual needs.