We need to have legitimate conversations about modern masculinity and rape culture — we cannot be silent.
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The statistics around sexual assault are staggering: 1 in 3 women will be assaulted in their lifetime. And those numbers are grossly under-reported due to the ordeal women have to go through once coming forward to confront their attacker. While I am aware of these statistics the terrifying reality of rape culture didn’t fully hit me until I saw it being perpetuated in my own classroom.
I had one day left in the week and didn’t want to start a new unit, so I decided to do a spot social justice lesson. The lesson examined the racialized and gendered messages mainstream media send us by analyzing Lupe Fiasco’s song “Bitch Bad” and various responses to it, like this one from Crunk Feminist Collective. The lesson went well, the students were able to discuss with clarity and share profound insights into the songs lyrics and video. They discussed minstrel, they discussed their own use of the term “bad bitch,” and most importantly the young women in the classes told their truth around dealing with the pressures of looking “sexy” while maintaining respect and not being seen as ratchet. While many of the young men listened and were respectful there was a handful that simply refused to accept what was being said. They rejected the idea that women actually didn’t appreciate how they are viewed, both my larger society as well as the young men in their lives.
It was at this point that the conversation turned troubling. A young man we will call Michael was particularly vocal about his disbelief. He was adamant that women lied constantly and that despite what they were saying now, in front of him and the rest of his class, when he talked to them individually they agreed with him. Despite the often times passionate objections from the women in the class, the other males remained quiet, Michael was not to be moved.
By the end of the day I taught the lesson three times. There were many more positives to take than negatives, but Michael’s reaction was the main one that stayed with me. It wasn’t so much Michael’s reaction in and of itself that was scaring me, while it did. What was getting me was that when the class ended,and the young women were obviously still upset, the reaction of the other men in the class was to rush Michael out to keep him from getting yelled at or “punched,” as one young man told me.
I look at my daughter and understand with incredible clarity that the responsibility for healing from this trauma lies with us men.
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This is where I really saw the danger of rape culture. It is not just in Michael’s response, it is in the silence of his peers. Instead of checking their friend they remained silent, passively siding with him. I couldn’t help but wonder how many of them would remain silent at the party when a friend wanted to “have fun” with the passed out girl, like in Steubenville? How many of them will say the girl “wanted it?” How many of them will, despite dozens of accusations, refuse to believe that one of their friends is a serial rapist?
Worse, and more heartbreaking than that, how many of them will be able to have a healthy relationship with a woman? How many of them will be able to listen to, and truly be supportive of, their sister, mom, aunt, girlfriend, wife, or even daughter when one of them has the courage to face our devastatingly sick society and say she was sexually assaulted?
As a new father, I look at my daughter and understand with incredible clarity that the responsibility for healing from this trauma lies with us men. It is up to us to model healthy, loving, and complete humanity by refusing the narrow definitions of manhood. The homie Jamie Utt talks about this with incredible compassion, this is just one of his pieces, please check them all out.
Above all we must not be silent. Just as white silence is tacit acceptance of white supremacy, when we are silent about rape culture, patriarchy, and misogyny we are accepting them as part of our society, we must refuse this. We must talk about manhood and masculinity, and the entire gender spectrum, early and often. When we do this, our young people will grow up with a healthy image and understanding of not just themselves, but others, more capable of healthy relationships. And what can be more life-giving than healthy relationships?
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This article originally appeared on Ryan Williams Virden’s Blog.
Photo credit:Chase Carter/flickr
I wonder why men here refuse to believe this research results Ryan refers to ?
And how about this one:
” 1 in 12 college -age men admit having fullfilled the prevaling definition of rape or attempted rape ,yet virtually none of these men identify themselves as rapist”.
https://www.clevelandrapecrisis.org/resources/statistics/sexual-violence-on-college-campuses
What if this the ugly truth ?
Stats are one thing, rhetoric is another, and “rape culture” is pure rhetoric, as is implying that a man who isn’t buying might have raped someone else. Not agreeing with Ryan does not give him any right to imply that.
Why don’t you read this:
http://womenformen.org/2014/10/01/do-the-math-rape-stats-dont-add-up/
Jules,this is confusing.
@Silke, Specifically, what is confusing? Clearly, the probability of a woman being raped is quite low….Actual rapes (reported AND estimated unreported) are still far lower than the 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 number. As one study mentioned, the estimate of unreported rapes is itself just that: an estimate… The problem here with this article and so many like it is they just take these very suspect numbers and present them as gospel. If you take the FBI crime stats AND use the estimates of unreported rapes, you still do not get to 1 in 4 or even 1… Read more »
This gendering of rape culture is a rape culture in itself.
1 in 3, really! D.O.J. figures are 0.003% per 100. Or, if my math is correct, 3 in 100,000! (campus figures are 0.0027% per 100) But beyond all that, here you take a student of yours and because he dissents, stands up to ‘It’s all da menz fault’ mantra that’s continuously repeated, expresses his frustration with it, YOU label him a ‘Rape Apologist’ and his fellow male students coconspirators. Did it ever occur to you that they remained quiet because maybe they agree with him?
“Did it ever occur to you that they remained quiet because maybe they agree with him?”
And they saw what happened to him. That’s not how you change hearts and minds.
Now let’s address Michael. My last comment was posted. I don’t know if it will say up, but let’s assume that it does. The first guy charged with rape was the first guy she had sex with. Assuming he was not in fact raped, when was he supposed to figure out that she didn’t consent? After she grabbed his crotch or when she pushed him into the room to have sex with him? I spoke to a Mormon missionary who kept trying to convert me. I’d ask a question and his response was you have to believe. Problem for him… Read more »
Why do you thinl that by-stander prevention only applies to the rape of women by men? I remember a horrible rape case (the DeAnza case). It had your passed out girl gang raped by several men. It had something else too. Something people seem to want to ignore, but is just as much rape culture as her rape. Prior to her rape, the young woman was giving men lap dances (not a problem because the way it was described didn’t seem non-consensual), grabbing their crotches (seemingly without prior consent), grabbed the first guy she had sex with’s crotch and then… Read more »
The problem John is that even progressives still only preach vigilance against male against female rape.
I’m surprised that testimony of her actions earlier that night was allowed to be brought up because most of the time even describing the events leading up to the rape are considered rape apology.
I’m less concerned with the construction and composition of statistics (even stilted ones) than I am with the juxtaposition of gender and gender politics onto then, by those who are infatuated with the misguided notion that gender itself is the divine lens to seeing and understanding all power & privilege collectively, and aggregate discrepancies in them. Take for example: “Just as white silence is tacit acceptance of white supremacy, when we are silent about rape culture, patriarchy, and misogyny we are accepting them as part of our society, we must refuse this.” The problem there is the hyperbolic and false… Read more »
“The statistics around sexual assault are staggering..” TOTALLY FALSE…..There is no way it could be statistically possible for this to be true. Once it was 1 in 5, then 1 in 4, now it is 1 in 3? Give me a break! Yet according to ALL crime sources (FBI, etc), violence against women is at its lowest in over 30 years….So, how can you numbers possibly be true? The answer is obvious: they are not!. How can you expect to get men to join in fighting against sexual assault if we keep putting out false data that essentially paint most… Read more »
Once it was 1 in 5, then 1 in 4, now it is 1 in 3? Give me a break! Yet according to ALL crime sources (FBI, etc), violence against women is at its lowest in over 30 years….So, how can you numbers possibly be true? The answer is obvious: they are not!. It’ll be 2 in 1 eventually! We know from real data that the percentage of men who commit rape and other violent crimes against women (and men) is less than 1% of the male population. Yet some how you are throwing all men under the bus here.… Read more »
It’ll be 2 in 1 eventually!
With things like #yesallwomen I bet it will be 1 in 1 within a few years.
Jules
Sexual assualt is not definition the same as rape is it ?
.You know that,I know that.
I am sure Tamen here know a lot about how they define rape and sexual assualt in different countries.
It differs a lot.
In Sweden I would probabely be defined a rapist since I have initiated sex with my husband while he was half asleep…
What if research said that both 1/3 of MEN and women have been sexually assulted sometime during their life time?
I would not be surprised.
Hi Iben!!!!
Great to see you are back….
As I posted below, these data are just plain false and outright lies.
http://womenformen.org/2014/10/01/do-the-math-rape-stats-dont-add-up/
Yes, I know rape, assault, and sexual assault are all different….But, remember, the discussion here is a bout “Rape Culture.”