Damon Young may not be a dad yet, but he’s got some advice for his own teenage daughter, should he someday have one.
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Originally appeared at Very Smart Brothas
You know, I’m not a dad yet, but I might be one day. If this day comes, there’s a 50/50 chance that my child will be a daughter, and I will do everything in my power to protect, love, and educate this girl. But, if she decides to cite a hug I didn’t give her in 2018 as the reason why she can’t find love in 2038, I’ll have one message for her: F*ck you
This disturbingly candid (or, would “candidly disturbing” work better?) example of the type of parent I’m probably going to be is the last paragraph of “Why “Daddy Issues” Don’t Really Exist” — an article where I argue that if every strange thing a woman does can be explained away with “daddy issues,” then perhaps they don’t exist. And, while “please don’t blame a hug you didn’t get in 2018 for your relationship issues in 2038” is definitely sage advice, I don’t think that’s quite enough.
Today, I’ve decided to share nine more bits of fatherly advice I’d give my (non-existent) teenager daughter if she actually decides to exist one day.
2. Just assume that every man you meet from now until you’re, I don’t know, 53(?) would sleep with you if given the opportunity
This doesn’t mean that every man you meet is going to try to. This also doesn’t mean that sleeping with you is all any man is ever going to want from you. There will be men who’d give their left testicle just for five minutes of your time. Men who’d build a bridge across Lake Michigan if that’s what it took to you see you. Men who will want to debate you, make fun of you, hear your opinions about “Amistad” and Meek Mill, build houses for you, sit in silence with you, lay next to you, travel with you, learn from you, teach you, learn about you, take you to IKEA, and grow old with you. But, the man wanting to sleep with you is the foundation for all of that, and you’d be wise never to forget that.
Shit, as much as I love your mother, you wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t want to tear her clothes off the first time I saw her at the Ole Country Buffet hovering over a plate of steamed broccoli while her thong was peaking out ever so slightly from her two toned silver vintage stretch pants church.
3. When in doubt, break up
Relationship drama is for grown ups. And by “grown-ups” I mean “old motherfuckers.” If you’re 21 years old, and you and your boyfriend are going through some serious adversity, break the hell up with him. No need to be “working through” anything if you’re still not even old enough to serve in the House of Representatives.
I know this seems cold, but your youth should be the time when you’re having as much fun as you possibly can, not losing sleep because some janky cat with lint on his lips is going through some depression and you don’t know how to help him. You really want to know the best way to get through to him? Say “deuces” and let him figure that shit out for himself.
4. Learn how to ***insert word that rhymes with “pastorgate”***
I’m telling you this now because you’ll likely be a much happier person if you’re able to, um, make yourself happy without the assistance of others. If you need more details, you should probably go ask your mom. Or one of your white classmates.
5. Eat your vegetables
I hate (most) vegetables, but your mom seems to love them. Since your mom is unfathomably attractive — and since unfathomably attractive women have (somewhat) easier lives — I’d suggest you start emulating her. Eat your veggies and shit.
6. When in dating doubt, always err on the side of making things harder for the guy
He needs to convince you that he’s worthy of being in your life, not the other way around.
7. When in relationship doubt, err on the side of making things easier
You have carte blanche to be a bit of an asshole while you’re single and dating. In fact, I encourage it. Once a guy has proven himself worthy and “won” you, though, you can start buying him gum and and sleeping in the wet spot and shit.
8. I know I’m your father and you love me and shit, but don’t try to date men like me
I’m an awkward asshole who only tricked your mother into marrying me because I told her the Sultan of Brunei is my second cousin on my dad’s side. Your best strategy would be to avoid all assholes, awkward and, um, unawkward, regardless of how attractive and “unique” they seem to be. You can usually easily spot them, too. They’re the ones who intrigue you and make you feel a little tingly because they literally do not give a fuck about you or anything you do.
I actually don’t expect you to follow this advice, but if you did it would save you a shitload of unnecessary heartache.
9. Throughout life, you’re going to meet women who say things like “I never really got along with other women.” Avoid these women the same way Antonio Cromartie avoids condoms.
10. Throughout life, you’re going to meet men who say things like “I’m not like every other guy.” If you happen across a man like this, see number 9 above.
[Editor’s note: this post has been slightly altered from its original version]
Awesome photo (not of Damon Young!) courtesy of mathplourde
Its actually true. Girl’s first Love is her Daddy . My Daddy loved Miller Lt and Dallas cowboy’s . I was not a DCC But was a MGD COLD PATROL GIRL. His point is ….. He raised a hot tough Young lady. That keeps him UP at night due to Karma….
This article is horrible and should not be on this site. It goes against everything logical I’ve ever read on it. Fathers and mothers, do not heed this advice unless you want the same kinds of daughter the article complains about.
No. 3 Is heartless. If you teach your kids that they should break up with someone as soon as they hit a rough patch, you’re not doing them justice — you’re teaching them that it isn’t worth sticking with other people. You’re teaching them that as soon as something goes wrong, they should just move on. Yeah, being young is about having fun, but if you don’t learn early on how to honest and caring in a relationship then you’re going to have a hard time later on. I’m not saying that you should stick it out if they’ve been… Read more »
That breakup rather stick it out through drama was the BEST part of his advice for a few reasons: 1) Most young men are NOT very good men, yet…………likewise women. Ask any guy old enough to marry and he’ll tell you he was a jerk from 15-25 or longer. 2) We grow up by dating different people and find out what we like and don’t like likewise. Staying with the guy you have drama with, cheats you & the fun guys of time together. 3) If a guy & daughter struggle early on—–without sharing money-children-schedules—-they are just not very compatible—… Read more »
Agree that jokes about violence against men are unfunny and inappropriate.
He lost me at “F*ck you.” From a parent to a child? Really? Maybe I’ve seen too many very sad parent/child interactions of this nature for it to strike me as humorous in any way.
I cant believe the lack of humour displayed on this topic. Damon is trying to tell the truth in a hilarious fashion and everyone is getting their titties in a knot! As the father of two daughters I have discussed all these points with my daughters, just maybe in a more serious fashion. Just one point I would like clarified please Damon as regards #4…….dont black girls “pastorgate”?
OMG, I remember an article on feministing which talked about a Wayan brothers online joke video. It was about a superhero who (when called by the prospective father to be) would pummel pregnant women until they miscarried. The thing is, if a person is willing to let go of a realistic frame of mind and say:”Hey this is just a joke and not advocating anything, stop being so serious” yeah even that subject matter could be funny. However, it definitely wasn’t funny to the feminists on feministing (who I imagine a fair number congregate at websights like that one specifically… Read more »
I have decided to articulate why the article upsets me. I come to this site to quite frankly get away from the man bashing on just about every other site on the internet. This article is simply and purely man bashing, sure it is “JUST A JOKE” and it is supposed to be funny (which quite frankly it isn’t) but even if it were funny, I still think it is wrong on this site. Good men are born, they are not created. Male (and female) babies are good, they are ‘pure’. Society makes them ‘bad’. They are shaped by what… Read more »
It’s also a crappy article for women. Number 2: 2. Just assume that every man you meet from now until you’re, I don’t know, 53(?) would sleep with you if given the opportunity This adds to the bandwagon that sex is something women give to men (not do for their own pleasure). If his daughter is horny and has sex with men for her *own* pleasure w/out ringing men through the worthiness marathon, will that make her a bad person or make the father a failure at being a dad? There is a lot wrong with this article from every… Read more »
And there are a lot of average-looking to unattractive women with whom men do not want to sleep, and who don’t receive the favors that the authors lists in the article. How does he know his daughter won’t be one of them? What advice and emotional support would he give in that case? It’s crazy to me how socially invisible unattractive women are; we might as well be ninjas for all that we’re noticed.
“2. Just assume that every man you meet from now until you’re, I don’t know, 53(?) would sleep with you if given the opportunity.”
Ignoring of course the 5% of men who are gay, plus unknowable percentages who may just not be attracted to you…..
I think it’s interesting all of the articles published by tgmp about the Trayvon Martin case which basically boil down to the main contributing factor being GZ’s and society’s stereotypical views of black men.
Now, the last several points of this article spread very common stereotypes of ALL men.
I guess as long as you are not including race, it’s okay to disparage men and spread stereotypes.
But, don’t say all feminists do X or Y in the comments or your comment will be deleted.
@John Gottman D: You bring up a very good point. If we stereotype ALL men, this naturally includes Black Men, Asian Men, Native Men etc. Why is it ok , to denigrate ALL men, but don’t dare denigrate a sub set.
I think it’s pretty clear that this site isn’t what it purports to be. I won’t go as far as some, and say it’s just a false-start to channel some opposition to femnsm into backdoor support for femnsm, but it’s clearly not about a real dialog. There’s a reason why every post that uses that ideologies name goes straight to moderation, and it isn’t because this is a site where ‘men can be men’.
We’re hardly the first to point this out, but all you’ll ever hear on the matter is silence.
So… basically you want an emotionally stunted daughter incapable of trusting men, unwilling to put any work into a relationship (what you have to do to have a relationship, really, is not bolt at the first hint of trouble), who makes life as difficult as possible for their significant other (and no doubt uses his resulting ‘failures’ to blame him for the inevitable break-up).
I thought this site was about being good men, not about raising bad women?
https://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/the-talk-cast-laughs-at-mans-dismembered-penis/
Just can’t help but think this article is just like these women on the talk.
Damon, I am willing to bet that what you write when your daughter is 3 years old will look very different from this article. One can hope…
This article, which did make me chuckle, reminds me a lot of what I hear from male friends about their daughters. They joke all the time about how they “know what men are like” and that’s why they are going to dig a moat around the house or put their daughter in a convent until she is 35. My brother in law was totally freaked out when my niece started dating, while my sister was blasé about it. When I was a teenager, my dad did everything he could to intimidate and scare off every guy who showed the slightest… Read more »
I agree! I’d like to hear some input on that as well.
Not being a father myself, I can’t say for certain, but a few idea’s come to mind… 1st: Setting expectations low means one is less likely to get ones feelings hurt when those low expectations are met, and moreover, to feel special when the expectations are exceeded. It helps protect, emotionally, their daughters. 2nd: It has become unacceptable for a man to offer advice to a girl on how to protect herself, with it always being deemed victim shaming. Many men have actually fallen into the belief that it IS victim shaming, but it still remains perfectly acceptable to trash… Read more »
Didn’t finish my thought…
Perhaps looking at why we are so willing to denigrate our own genders may help us understand why the other denigrates their own as well, and why those stereotypes are able to thrive so easily?
I actually did a psychological experiment on this exact “slut” issue. My results demonstrated that just as many men as women judge another woman as being a slut because of the number of men she has slept with. It did not matter if the promiscuous female was sleeping with lawyers, gas station attendants, gorgeous or ambiguous men. So, the idea that mostly women use the term “slut” to denigrate a competitor or increase personal self-esteem was false in addition to the idea that men don’t partake in the denigration. I was only able to remove the slut connotation from being… Read more »
This for the U.S? Could it be different say in Australia? I hear slut mostly said by women when judging other women’s sex lives. The times I hear it said by men is sexual frustration at the fact she won’t sleep with him.
“The times I hear it said by men is sexual frustration at the fact she won’t sleep with him.”
That is interesting. Sort of a bit oxymoronic, really. Personally, I hear it said by men and women as a general insult and as an insult about a woman’s sex life.
You’re welcome to post a link to the methodologies and results of this experiment of yours, otherwise, it just sounds like a counter anecdote to my own. I’m also curious if you honestly believe that “slut shaming” is honestly limited to how many sexual partners a woman has had? Most women identified as “sluts” don’t demonstrate any kind of indication on how many partners they’ve had. It’s not like they walk around with a glowing neon light above their head with their sex partner count.
I, too, would LOVE to read that!!
If any of you fathers reading this would like to write that reaction piece, we’d LOVE to consider it for publication. Great idea, guys.
Shoot me an email joanna @ Goodmenproject.com
“I will not allow my daughter to date before she turns 30, perhaps even not then.” “I am going to intimidate and scare any boy who picks my daughter up for a date so they will respect my daughter.” And finally the both self-incriminating and thinly veiled boasting: “I know what boys are like.” We’ve all heard fathers speak these words. Often in jest, but always with a core of sincerity. Words which will turn out to be no help whatsoever to their daughters as it is based on false premises: 1) Boys are bad and are only after one… Read more »
Bravo, Tamen!
I completely agree with you Sarah. If I have a daughter (which I hope I do!) I will teach her about sex the same way I was taught (as a young male).
I liked this article a lot. And I didn’t have a problem with the humour. I thought it was pretty funny. I am disturbed by one thing though…the number of commenters who are offended by the kick in the nuts joke. Now I see the direction in which the men’s movement is heading and I am not happy about it. Your offended at the joke. While I am offended that your offended. I am offended at all of you. Your comments trigger me. I remember soul-destroying, stultifying environment where I couldn’t say what I wanted for fear of offending some… Read more »
Assman: “I liked this article a lot. And I didn’t have a problem with the humour. I thought it was pretty funny. I am disturbed by one thing though…the number of commenters who are offended by the kick in the nuts joke.”
It encourages a woman to be violent against men as some sort of test. In other words, ALL men.
You have any idea what this promotes? The kind of attitude?
Forget it. You wouldn’t understand.
Regardless of that joke I do not agree with any of the advice in that article. The author seems to be encouraging his daughter to be self centered and uncaring toward men. I think maybe we find his joke off putting because the context of the article is itself off putting.
Two things : One – This article was really funny. I enjoyed reading it and reflecting on the advice, which has some elements of truth and honesty. Two – People who comment on here need to get a sense of humor. Not every article on this site involves in-depth sexuality and gender studies. We don’t need to start nitpicking the writer’s humor as being sexist or anti-male. Humor is often offensive in some way, those who can not deal with it can take their righteous asses out of the thread and go find some other article about the intricacies of… Read more »
Here’s the thing about humour…if it uses negative social norms as a commentary on those norms, then that’s fine. If it knowingly (or unknowingly) adheres to those negative norms then I think it’s actually still part of the problem, and is actually perpetuating those social norms.
Think of it this way, if I were to write a piece about what I’d tell my daughter if she ever brought home a black guy, and used all of these “humorous” stereotypes in that piece, about how if he drives an Escalade he’s probably a drug dealer, and how he’s probably going to be lazy, and he’ll cheat on her, and he probably doesn’t know who his father is, and he probably came from the ghetto and then ended on some comment about black face, as if the only ‘good black man’ is a man who’s not black at… Read more »
Jon D: “Two – People who comment on here need to get a sense of humor. Not every article on this site involves in-depth sexuality and gender studies. We don’t need to start nitpicking the writer’s humor as being sexist or anti-male. Humor is often offensive in some way, those who can not deal with it can take their righteous asses out of the thread and go find some other article about the intricacies of our existence as men and women.” May I remind you that most of the readers here are men, like me, who have been hurt and… Read more »
Jon D writes: “Two – People who comment on here need to get a sense of humor.” I’ve been commenting since March of 2011 and have never seen an article on tgmp in which the author uses violence against women depicted as satire. Not once. I could just as easily say that the author and the commenters defending him need to get some sensitivity. If it is wrong to depict violence as funny against women, then it should be so against men. I can understand (but not necessarily) forgive writings or images in mass media as most would consider the… Read more »
I also thought a joke about a woman attacking a man was in bad taste on this website.
Bad advice to recommend your daughter assault someone. It’s against the law and she will end up with a criminal record.
Evidently I need to go back to the re-education camp in the Gulag. I thoroughly enjoyed the article. Also, there is some truth behind much of what he says (as facetious as it may be). The thing about wanting to screw every woman that moved, not 100% true, but generally 90-95% true in my experience. Especially when I was young. Heck, even nowadays. Lots of 60 year old women in the office I’d like to take for a ride or two. But, being a committed man, it’s off the table. Still, if I were single, well… I’d chance it. Plus,… Read more »
The Wet One: “Anyways, it’s clear that the uptight types have an issue with this article. For my part, I give it 4 of 5 stars. I needed the laugh!” Then you’re part of the problem. The Wet One: “As for kicking a guy in the nutz, yeah, I can see how that’s offensive, but it works. A sound and certain test that will be highly accurate. It won’t capture the brother of the girl with the dragon tatoo (remember him? Scary effin’ dude that one!), but most other guys, yep, it will defiinitely tell the truth about them not… Read more »
Alright…alright…so I get you’re trying to be funny. But this isn’t funny. It’s not funny for the reasons everyone else mentioned…and it’s not funny for this:
“If he screams, he’s exactly like every other guy. If he doesn’t, he might actually be telling the truth.”
Wonderful…brilliant. Ha. Ha. He could be trans…and we all know transmen aren’t real men anyway! Normal guys have balls…but a man without balls is hardly a man at all. Right? Am I right?! Hyuk, hyuk.
Ironically, I think it is more about objectifying men… All men are the total of their penis… if they have one, they are like all men and nothing more.
Yes, that too…it’s both part of the same thing. If you equate being a man with having the proper genitalia, then you are both objectifying men and dismissing transmen at the same time, really.
Firstly, I didn’t mean to sound like I was dismissing your point. But I think it is more than what you just said. It isn’t just that he is equating being a man with having the right genitals, but he is equating that having the right genitals makes you the EXACT SAME man.
Yup…in that sense it’s actually quite similar to the small breasts article and the problem assuming that everyone with certain physical characteristics has the same personality traits. Same thing here, only broader.
Exactly. hence the “ironically” start.
Feminist influence has socialized our society into seeing humor in and approval of male victimization and consequent suffering (as is they deserve whateve pain they get) but reactions of horror, outrage, protectiveness, and sympathy toward female victimization and suffering. The stronger the feminist influence the more prevalent this is.
I don’t think you know what feminism is.
SteveS: “I don’t think you know what feminism is.” And what is feminism to you? See, I’m beginning to realize there are two feminisms at work currently. There’s the eglitarian side that actually cares about male struggles and issues at the same time as women’s issues. Then there’s the gynocentric side which seems to dominate the discourse a lot, where women’s issues come first and damn the priveledged white male since he is responsible for the oppression of women regardless of whether he’s being battered by his spouse, sexually assaulted and abused by a female predator either in the past… Read more »
This comment’s likely to be deleted but I don’t care anymore. I’d also like to ask the editors and every single preson representing The Good Men Project just what exactly is it about this article that fits their mission priorities? If we’re talking about stories intending to show men being good,decent people, how does this drivel accomplish the task? I don’t see anything in this article that befits the standards of what The Good Men Project is all about. All I see is trash masquerading as satire and it’s pretty shallow satire at that. If you’d call it satire. At… Read more »
I’d also like to add, and emphasize even when others have done so, that joking about kicking men in the nuts when they say they’re not like other men, this just makes it incredibly difficult for male survivors of female abuse to even call their experience a serious problem. It also contributes to the prejeduices and ignorance people still possess about female on male violence.
So no more of this “Have a sense of humor, lighten up. It’s satire” balony please.
If it was reverse gendered, manboobz would write an article talking about how misogynist and bad it was. I’m extremely surprised the editors allowed this one through, not even a huge sarcasm tag around the male violence bit. If I was bored enough I’d reword it to reverse the genders and time how long it was before I had a parade of disgusted commentators.
@the Editors: Would you have even published a list like this if the genders were reversed I am being serious, think about it for second. If I were to write an article telling a future son that if a woman tells him something that is probably a lie, it is perfectly ok to punch her in the head, (even if it was a joke) , would you publish that. A large number of men on this site are working hard to try and get rid of this type of humour, it simply causes and reinforces stereotypes that somehow find their… Read more »
I am somewhat inclined to agree with Eagle 34 on this one.
Do I think the author was writing *serious* advice for a potential future daughter? No, probably not, but there is a definite lack of a certain “bombastic” or “overt satire” quality that would really make this piece work as satire. A good majority of the groundwork is there but there is nothing that signals the author’s political message or intent.
With one ideological lens it reads as pure hate, with another it reads as pure satire, with no signal as to which lens is appropriate.
Psycomics: “Do I think the author was writing *serious* advice for a potential future daughter? No, probably not, but there is a definite lack of a certain “bombastic” or “overt satire” quality that would really make this piece work as satire.” Why in the hell is violence against men always excused as satire? Seriously, somebody answer this question and I can’t wait for the excuses to come pouring in. For the umpteenth time, you say stuff like this about women, no amount of “It was satire, have a sense of humor” is going to prevent the mob from calling for… Read more »
I don’t think PsyCononomics was trying to excuse this piece as satire. In fact, I thought he was pointing out that it fails even if the author was intending satire. Several times in this comment thread, the word “satire” has been used as a synonym for “humor” or “humorous writing”, which isn’t what satire is. Satire exposes and mocks, it doesn’t celebrate and endorse. Laughing at satire does not mean the person laughing condones the behavior, and in fact usually mean the opposite. Many people at the time didn’t get that Jonathan Swift was being satirical when he suggested eating… Read more »
Thanks Marcus Williams! You got to it before I did :-). Williams is right. Given the space I am in, the history of the site, and the goals of the site, I did my best to give the author the benefit of the doubt. In the end I just couldn’t. There is too much wrong and not enough right with this article. It does occur that on a more base level Eagle34 and I may disagree with the use of humor/satire in social advocacy in general. Though too for this thread the question of “to what extent can we use… Read more »
I completly disagree with using a joke about kicking men in the nuts just as a test in social advocacy period. Especially where male survivors like myself is concerned. I was seriously hurt by girls and women (Damn it, do I have to keep repeating myself here?) and I wouldn’t appreciate a joke like that. You know, I’m glad I’m now an uncle to a niece (born April 2nd, 2012) because here’s what I’m going to tell her when she eventually reaches that age of understanding: “Don’t go around saying all men suck. If a man hurt you or a… Read more »
I agree that this article was intended to be humorous, but failed to slide into the realm of true satire. That said, even if it did manage to slide into the realm of satire, the nut shot still shouldn’t be considered valid humor (until likewise violence of females is deemed humorous as well). We see nut shots every day on TV, where something the guy angers someone, or clumsily walks into something, or completely out of nowhere, an object or “friend” hits them in the sack and they keel over clutching their groin and whimpering. When was the last time… Read more »
That’s what galls me and I’ve been trying to say, Mark.
Double-standards in violence as humor shouldn’t be justified and I’m, frankly, sick and tired of it.
PsyC agreed, and now I will too, since I didn’t explicitly say so before, that the kick-in-the-nuts joke in this article was not funny (at least to us). We’re also saying *it wasn’t satire* (or missed the mark if it was trying to be), but that satire – even about horrible things – can be funny. You seem to be saying that no it can’t, which is why I have the same disagreement with people who say there’s nothing funny ever (!) about rape, eating babies, or the Holocaust. All those are terrible things, but I’ve laughed at Louis CK,… Read more »
Re 7. It might sound offensive, but I like to make women beg for it too.
Hah, I don’t see that being a bad thing.
I’ll step right past the offensive stuff and get to the point that this list is very poor and insufficient advice.
Re 8. Dude, you are the primary example and reference point for what she will expect in men.
11. Don’t be a follower of the fashion borg and dedicate your life to superficially attracting men. You will only be disappointed in yourself.
12. Love yourself for who you are, not what other people want you to be.
13. When in doubt, keep your legs closed.
Maybe I’m just too literal, but I never understood the whole “keep your legs closed” thin, or the whole “put an aspirin between your knees” thing. I’ve always thought the phrase showed a distinct lack of imagination. Many women can still have vaginal intercourse with their legs closed. Closing her legs gives her fewer options, certainly, but that’s hardly great advice.
” I’ve always thought the phrase showed a distinct lack of imagination. Many women can still have vaginal intercourse with their legs closed.”
Well said, wellokaythen! Even though it’s not literally an insulting phrase, there’s just something in the context that screams slut-shaming. We should protest it by all having sexual intercourse with our partners with our legs closed tonight!
Thank God, wellokaythen, for you making me laugh today.