You may not have fathered this child in the biblical sense, but here’s what it takes to be his “real” Dad.
—
As an adoptive father of a four year-old boy, I can tell you that there are hardships ahead for me. I struggle everyday with the knowledge that of the many father/son conversations we have ahead, this will be the most personally painful one for me.
… you are his leader, his friend and his mentor. If that doesn’t make you a father, I don’t know what does.
|
In my years of researching what it’s like to be an adoptive parent (and trust me, I was doing that research even before Quinn came along) I think I have distilled my upcoming challenges down to five fairly common sense, but nevertheless, tough conversations ahead.
Here are the five things I have learned, and will have to remember, to be great father to my son.
You are not his Father
This is the first, and the hardest to accept. You will be hit with this someday like a ton of bricks. His world is going to be rocked when he begins to understand, so this is an eternal battle you should already have fought and conquered by the time he is ready to understand what being adopted really means.
You are his emotional rock, don’t let this shake you.
You are his leader
When you find yourself in hard times, remember that he looks to you for support, but also leadership when he feels weak. For a long-lasting bond to overcome anything, seeing you as a leadership figure will help when those bonds weaken.
You are his friend
So many times, I hear “be a parent, not a friend.” I have to disagree a bit, letting him see you as a human, not just a disciplinarian, is important. Chinks in your armor are important, so that when he has his issues, he knows that he hasn’t let you down, or been unable to live up to you, because he knows that you are a mortal too.
You are his mentor
This is extremely important. Being a mentor means that you are willing to teach him, not just be his buddy or boss, but someone who is willing to educate him in the way the world works. It is all about bond-building, these bonds can help you transcend the emotional hardships ahead.
You are his father
Yep, contradicting myself, but stick with me. You had no biological role in his birth, so no, in the biblical sense you are not his Father. However, you are his leader, his friend and his mentor. If that doesn’t make you a father, I don’t know what does.
—
Photo: Flickr/Racchio
#1 is wrong: You are not his/her sperm donor. By adopting the child and making a legal contract to love protect and nurture YOU ARE THE FATHER! There is a huge difference between sperm donor and dad. Dads are there daily helping with nightly homework, coaching teams, helping with bedtime routine ( bath, teeth, bedtime story drink of water) Dads show up to every event, every game, every teacher meeting—even if it means giving up PTO time. Dads save their money so that the child can have music lessons, ballet lessons and a chance at a future. Dads are amazing… Read more »
I think the author address that in the last paragraph, but what he’s saying in the first is also true, for most kids, when they learn they were adopted, there is a “you’re not my REAL father” period. It maybe short, even just the few moments of surprise when they learn their biological background, but there. And the author reminds us that acknowledging that his son will likely experience that is something he needs to have worked out in his own self and be prepared for so that he can support his son through it seems quite valid to me.
From my experience with my 11 and 12 year old sons, I have to agree with Kevin. I AM their “Father” even though I did not “father” them— and they are the ones that have let me know this. They have always known they were adopted, and I have shown them pictures of each of the birth-fathers. Of all their heritages and family histories, interest in these men was at the very bottom of the list. I relate to their reactions having seen pictures of my maternal grandfather who died when my mother was a child- interesting, but no emotional… Read more »
“If that’s not a father I don’t know what is.” Great article 🙂