For Father’s Day: A Special Portrait of Fatherhood with Author Hogan Hilling
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What does it mean to be a good father in the 21st Century? Our “Portraits of Fatherhood “series is dedicated to answering this question, one dad-story at a time. Author Hogan Hilling has not only been telling the new story of men and fatherhood for the last two decades, but he’s helped shaped the emerging and evolving narrative about both. Father to three children, all now grown, Hilling was an early pioneer as a stay-at-home father. He has been writing, speaking and advocating for fathers ever since. We are pleased to present this exclusive interview with Hogan for Father’s Day.
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Name Hogan Hilling
Hometown Crestline, CA
Website www.dadsbehavingdadly.com
Number of Children Three
Day Job(s) Hogan Hilling is a dad and an author of seven parenting books, and a fatherhood expert who writes and speaks nationally on the topic, including on Oprah. Hilling has co-founded and helped establish several fatherhood networks in the USA since 1992. Hilling and Al Watts have co-authored the Dads Behaving Dadly book series, Dads Behaving Dadly: 67 Truths, Tears and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood and Dads Behaving Dadly 2: 72 More Truths, Tears and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood. Hilling is also the founder of the Dadly Rally Tour Campaign.
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What was the inspiration for the first Dads Behaving DADLY book?
I wanted to change peoples’ attitudes about today’s dads. I believe the responsible, active dads far outnumber the irresponsible, absent dads. I felt the only way to prove my observation was to give today’s modern dads a bigger platform to share their voice.
The title came as a result of a 1998 article the Orange County Register wrote about the Dads Clubs I helped start in southern California. The title of the article was “Men Behaving Dadly.” I replaced the word “Men” with “Dads.”
What is the definition of DADLY?
DADLY is an adjective meaning the actions and emotions of being an involved father.
How did you collect the stories?
The internet made it easy for me to reach out to dads in the USA and other English speaking countries like Canada, Australia and the UK. I sent invitations to dads in my social network, dad bloggers, fatherhood advocate network, fatherhood, motherhood and parenting organizations. I’m so grateful to all the dads who contributed their stories to the DADLY 1 and DADLY 2.
How did you convince the dads to submit their stories?
I had established a trusting relationship with dads in my social and fatherhood network; and created a safe-nonjudgmental environment for the dads to share their stories. I also gave the dads permission to choose the topic for their story and told them that this was their book.
What were the biggest challenges of this book project and how did you overcome them?
The biggest challenge was to build confidence in the dads to write their feelings on paper and persuade them that their stories were important enough to share with the public. I had to continually remind dads that their story was more important than their writing skills and that I was in search of good dads — not good writers.
Another challenge was the format of the book. I had no idea what kind of stories I’d receive. Therefore, I had to wait until I received enough stories before I could even think about how to organize the stories in the book.
There was also the challenge of crafting creative titles for the stories and seven sections in each book.
What were some of the biggest surprises?
One of the biggest surprises was the diverse group of dads who submitted stories. I received stories from dads of every socio-economic, religion, race and family dynamics; working, at-home, divorced, step, single and gay dads, and dads of children with special needs. I also received stories from dads in Australia, Canada and the UK.
Second was the depth of honesty and sincerity in which the dads wrote their stories and how open they were to write about their shortcomings.
Third, how cooperative the dads were during the editing process.
The biggest surprise, however, was the emotional impact the dads had on me. While I collected the stories I also invited the dads to share candid photos with their child(ren). (All the photos on the front cover of the books are of dads who submitted stories in each book.) Their stories combined with the photos brought tears to my eyes. I had several moments when I cried for several minutes.
What did you hope the book would accomplish and did it meet your expectations?
My hope was for this book to rebrand the image of fatherhood, demonstrate that dads are just as competent as moms in their role as parents, show people the “true grit” of today’s modern dad and prove Fatherhood is alive and well!
The book far exceeded my expectations.
What is the best compliment you received about the book?
A dad wrote, “I cried, I laughed, I related.”
What is the most important lesson you’d like readers to learn from reading the DADLY stories in this book?
A dad can nurture and parent as well as a mom and also be sensitive, vulnerable, caring and compassionate and still keep his masculinity.
What other DADLY books can we expect from you?
I’m currently working on three more DADLY book projects and a Dadly Rally Tour Campaign. The mission of the Dadly Rally is to unify, strengthen and inform the parenting community.
My next book “The Dadly Way: 10 Steps to More Active Fatherhood and Equal Parenting” will debut late this year in September. I co-author the book with Josh Misner, Ph.D. and Mindful Dad Expert.
I will co-author a Gay Dads Behaving DADLY book with Henry Amador-Batten, Founder of DADsquared. Henry is one of three gay dads who submitted a story for Dads Behaving DADLY 2. Henry and I are currently collecting stories from gay dads for this book. (You can visit the DADsquared website for instructions and guidelines on how to submit a story.)
I will also co-author a coffee table portrait book “Dadly Dad: The Man Next Door,” with dad Austin Dowd. The book’s mission is to encourage people to first get to know the man behind the DADLY dad badge before deciding what kind of dad he is. The book includes photos of dads and content about their views on fatherhood written by the dads.
The DADLY Rally Tour Campaign is raising money to host a DADLY Rally in major US cities. The first host city will be Los Angeles. Other cities on the schedule are New York, Chicago and St. Louis.
What DADLY words of wisdom would you like to share?
I’d like fathers to know a few things: fatherhood is a huge responsibility. No man can or should do it alone. Set aside your ego and reach out to other dads (and moms) for help and support.
— The best resource a dad has to be a better dad is other dads.
— If a dad would like a father-friendly environment, he needs to act like a friendly father, especially to other dads.
Any last words for our readers on this Father’s Day?
Wear your DADLY dad badge with pride and keep on Daddying!
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To learn more about the Dads Behaving DADLY book series and how to make a contribution, visit www.dadsbehavingdadly.com, or email Hogan directly at [email protected].
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We’re looking for a few good dads.
IF you’d like to be interviewed for our Portrait of Fatherhood feature, please write to Lisa Duggan at: [email protected]
Please write “Portraits of Fatherhood” in the subject line.