Jay Palter is looking for some earring advice. For his son.
We had the boys and earrings conversation today and I’m a bit unsure of how to proceed.
My boy is 9 and a half and has developed a personality that likes to “stand out from the crowd”, as he puts it.
As part of this personality, he’s taken to wearing a short-brimmed hat when we go out to special occasions. He gets used to people remarking on his hat and he likes the attention.
Last night, he says to me: “Wow, no one has said anything about my hat yet. That’s unusual. Eventually, someone will say something.”
Later in the evening, the musician playing next to our table saw we were enjoying his tunes. Between songs, he leaned over and said to my son: “I like your hat.” The boy beamed, his smile saying “See, I told you.”
Now he wants an earring to add to his charm, good looks and stylish dress habits.
We like to think we’re fairly progressive parents when it comes to lifestyles and we’re cool with earrings. We’ve talked about the time I tried to pierce my ear back in my twenties. Problem was, it never healed properly so I was constantly dealing with bleeding and gross ooze. Maybe I was allergic or just not meant for piercings, so I let it heal over and moved on.
(Well, more accurately, I adapted to an ear cuff that slipped over the side of my ear and had a little dangling amethyst crystal. No piercing, no fuss, and I could remove it when I didn’t want to fly my freak flag.)
The bigger issue is the whole standing out from the crowd. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but kids can be cruel to anyone who is different for any reason.
My boy used to wear a ring, probably in retrospect an early manifestation of this standing out from the crowd thing. But that didn’t turn out so well.
But we wanted him to think it through and prepare himself for how he might be treated by the conforming masses might confront him.
♦◊♦
We did a Google search and found some boys with earrings.
“J Beebs has two, cool,” Ben said, seeing the Beibs with both ears pierced. Beckham also sports two earrings as well as Will Smith, “oh, that guy from Men in Black”. Maybe Zac Efron was sporting one in an image we found. We also stumbled onto Chris Anderson, but that’s a whole other conversation.
So, not that many guys with earrings as role models. Certainly, not too many kids.
But I wanted to know how he would he handle it when the kids at school made fun of him or accused him of being gay because he wore earrings.
We watch Modern Family and have lots of gay friends, so he knows being gay is great if that’s what you are.
“Not many boys have earrings and the kids may say you’re gay. How will you respond to that?” I asked him.
“Just because you have an earring doesn’t mean you’re gay, dad.” OK, I can live with that response.
Then I try on the “and what’s wrong with being gay anyway” part. He’s not quite ready to advocate for gay rights in grade 4 – which I get. No problem. But he’s thinking about it.
What matters most to him, he says, is what his family thinks about him, not his friends. If I could only record this and remind him in a few years.
So, what to do?
We’ve arbitrarily set his 10th birthday as the time when he could get his ear pieced. We don’t want to rush into it and want to give him time to decide this is really what he wants.
But, in the end, why wouldn’t we let him?
What do you think? Any experiences you’ve had with similar requests from kids? Please share in the comments below.
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Originally posted on Home Made Dad
About Jay Palter
Jay,
I think you need to step up RIGHT NOW and tell your son he needs to stop trying to garner attention and “standing out from the crowd”, and start thinking about how he can channel some of the self-aggrandizing energy towards being a good citizen, helping others or doing ANYTHING other than being a little attention-seeking brat. Parenting means we teach our kids good values, and self-absorbtion isn’t healthy for kids or adults, and is as likely to get his butt kicked as anything. Get him into Boy Scouts, a community service organization or something that builds his self-image on positive works that benefit others instead of “look-at-me” antics.
Thanks for the concern, Dan, but you’re misreading the situation. He’s a lovely, talented kid with a normal amount of attention-seeking behaviour. Who doesn’t like attention? No doubt, though, we are always watching out for inappropriate or unhealthy attention-seeking behaviour. This isn’t one of our concerns around the earring.
You sound angry and aggressive, Dan Flowers. I wonder why that is.
@Dan Flowers … I have to agree with Kalin, you do sound somewhat angry but at the same time, I can see where you may be coming from. At times I shake my head in disbelief while I walk around a mall and wonder what the parents of these kids were thinking.
You obviously take a hard line on these issues and that’s fine but it’s how you approach them can make a difference. As I said in my earlier post, a lot of parents want to be “friends” with their kids and not be a parent to them. Which is obviously not the case with Jay.
I believe that some parents need that “in your face” kind of response you gave.
I teach religious education to 7th graders. First day I had to speak to a few parents about what was acceptable attire and had to ask that the 7th grade girls not wear makeup, tight tank tops and very short skirts. Yeah, I had to be the “in your face kind of guy.”
@Michelle … Yeah, he may have sounded angry but as an old “FART” (Father Against Retaliatory Teens), I know where he’s coming from especially if he’s around my age (50’s). We’ve seen a clear loss of parental authority where, as I said before, some parents are more interested in being a child friend then the parent. What’s frustrating to me is that many kids conform to parent wishes when their feet are put to the fire. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “if you’re too strict, they will rebel” I would have several hundred dollars.
The kids that I work with (adolescent teen boys) become very comfortable with clear set enforced boundaries. Enforced boundaries that many of them didn’t have growing up.
It’s a phase. Let him have it, and he’ll get bored of it eventually. Just like I did.
A common response I’ve heard and one that is getting serious consideration. Thanks…uh, Spanky.
At age 13 my nephew (who is an awesome kid- no trouble, good grades, etc.) wanted to grow his hair out all headbanger-like. My sister handled it great, she let him, but only after saying “just be prepared for people to treat you differently and more suspiciously because of it”. He grew his hair out, but cut it back to mormal 6 months later.
A few years later, the same thing happened with my niece and her punk blue streaks in her hair.
10 seems young enough to me, however, that you can still over-rule your son, tho.
Of course, I know who’s the boss. At least until he’s 18. One thing we’re considering is a one year waiting period. If he still wants to do this in one year as much as he does now then he’s demonstrated a consistent commitment to it. Or at least to the idea of it. Thanks for your feedback, Scott.
But if it was a daughter who was asking, would you make her wait a year? Probably not, b/c it is more socially acceptable. Is that enough of a reason to make your son wait after asking the same question? (Just trying to see if looking at it differently helps.)
If you do move forward with it, PLEASE ask around and find a good (and licensed) piercer in your area. A “gun” should never be used for piercing (which is what you’ll get at the mall and with piercers who are not properly trained/educated). Follow their healing instructions carefully, and keep in mind that allergies to metals are not that rare–I had surgical steel in my nose recently, which is generally considered to be the least allergy-inducing metal. I was still getting a bump and went back to my piercer who told me to take it out right away. I switched to a BioFlex/bioplast ring and it cleared up in a couple of days. Good luck!
The kid is 9, you’re the dad. You don’t have to give an explanation. Just tell him it’s not appropriate for his age yet.
Bingo, Jimbo. That’s the default answer, so far. All the rest of this is my internal thought process.
If you forbid something without explaining why, it’s possible that in so doing you only sow resentment and rebellion in the child’s mind. In the short term you might accomplish what you want to accomplish, but in the long term you may lose control rather dramatically.
Of course, for -some- kids it works fine. Some kids will pout for a little while and then forget all about whatever they wanted as they move on to new interests.
@Kalin … you’re absolutely right and it appears that because Jay is having this discussion with his son, he’s right on track. It’s one thing when you tell a small child “no” but it’s another when the child is 9 and can understand a parents rationale. They may not like it or agree with it but will respect the parent.
I’m not sure what the problem is. If you are ok with it, then let him have it. If you don’t approve then tell him no. From the article, you are more worried about him appearing gay by fashion standards of the 80′s and 90′s. You are the adult; make a decision and stand by it. If he does not like it, tough. He is 9, he will get over it within the week.
For the record, I’m not worried about him appearing gay, per se. I’m worried about what nasty conformist pre-teens will do to his self-esteem if they think he is different in any way. There are a million ways he can be different and singled out for it. Kids often don’t need rational reasons to be cruel. Thanks for allowing me to clarify, David.
I don’t think “nasty conformist preteens” are the problem. His primary role model is a neurotic teaching him to sweat details that do not matter instead of teaching him strength, resilience and decision making.
I just can’t understand the desire to pierce, myself. You’re introducing a structural weakness that literally anyone on the street can pinpoint and exploit. You’re complicating daily ablutions that already eat up way too much time. You’re permanently scarring your body for transient style points.
Then again, stupid has been in for the entirety of human existence.
There’s a perspective I did not fully appreciate before your comments, Dave. Thanks for that.
As a sociologist, I view piercing (and tattoos) as an extension of the way we dress and the decision to wear make-up and/or jewelry. Some people see the body as a canvas on which they can express their identity and it’s no one else’s place to judge their decision. Ours is far from the only culture that does this–as a matter of fact, ALL cultures engage in forms of temporary or permanent body altering. Why? Anthropologist Enid Schildkrout offers this reasoning: “To be human. For beauty, as a sign of change or rebellion or conformity, to show status, to mark a moment, to be able to wear a certain ornament, to identify with spirits or ancestors or deities, to show group membership, to show gender distinctions.” Sounds legit to me!
Jay, I just wanted to congratulate you on raising a boy that isn’t afraid to stand out, or be different. Your parenting has clearly given him the confidence to be himself, and that is all anybody can really ask from a parent. You should be proud
With regards the question, I’d let him get it done. He seems to be confident, and he knows his own mind. The “family are more important than friends” is something that shows this. If he changes his mind, he can always take it out later.
I hope, when I have children, I can inspire the same confidence and self belief in mine that you have. You’re a credit to yourself and your family.
Andrew, you’ve nailed it. I am so proud and excited to be having such a thoughtful conversation about this with my kid. Thanks for your support!
I admire your son’s spunk. I love that society hasn’t beaten him down yet, into submission of “norm”. I love that you allow him to be an individual and that he feels enough love and acceptance to be that individual. There are certainly worse things he could be or ask to do. Its not permanent and isn’t hurting anyone. I say go for it. 10th birthday is a great celebration. Maybe you could get yours at the same time??
Love the hat! Handsome kid. My consideration is its permanency. You can’t take it off like you can a hat, same goes for a tattoo. I like the idea of a waiting period particularly in one so young.
Agree totally.
My son got his ear pierced when he was 11. I think that is a good age to allow something like an ear piercing. He was told that he could get it at that age but he had to earn the privilege with good grades, good behavior, etc. I was fine with it. No one treated him differently but that may have to do with the time period we were in. Other kids had them too. He is now 20 and has stopped wearing it. He just outgrew it.
It sounds like you guys are handling it very well.
That comment above from Dan, wow! I would NOT listen to that guy!
I appreciate hearing that your son’s experiences were positive and I like that it happened at age 11. Something about the extra year and a half of maturity that I think helps to ensure good outcomes.
As for some other comments, generally they have been respectful, helpful and generous of spirit. Those that are not, I try to ignore.
Thanks for your comments, Michelle.
I would counsel you three ways.
1. If your 9 year old daughter wanted her ears pierced, where would you stand? Is 9 too young? Is 12 more reasonable? Is age a complete non-issue? Let your attitudes toward elementary school aged girls pierced ears guide your response to your son.
2. When my daughter was in middle school, she wanted to get her nosed pierced. I didn’t LOVE this idea but there wasn’t a ton of harm in it either so I told her this. She could get her nose pierced, but I would pick the piercing parlor. You know…she never took me up on it. Now, she’s 21 and doesn’t even have pierced ears.
2.b Piercing parlor. NEVER mall shops. Perhaps a preliminary visit to a reputable piercer in your city would be enough to satisfy your son for awhile?
3. If pierced ears ends up being a “go” for your son, I would further counsel you to restrict his jewelery to regular gauge earrings. The earlobe stretching resulting from plugs is something he should decide upon as an adult.
Good luck. Let us know what happens.
As an egalitarian, your point 1 already puts me offside. My daughter had her ears pierced around 6. I can’t offer a compelling reason why I didn’t have the same conversation with myself then.
Your other points are helpful and offer many other things to consider, Michelle. I really appreciate you sharing them.
@Michelle … thoughtful response but I take issue with some of it.
# 1 ….A girl piercing her ears at any age is socially acceptable and in most cases, especially of the child is young, is the parents decision. It’s not a sign of individuality. The kind of earrings they wear is another story.
#3 …. The earring thing can potentially be a slippery slope if you let it happen as a perceived notion that it’s a sign of individuality. What does a parent do if after the piercing is done, now wants to move into gages (not sure if that’s the term) or another type of piercing and also justifies it as a sign of individuality? Think of the dialogue that would take place? “But dad, other guys have earrings … I want to be different.” “An earring is an earring, what’s the difference, why did you let me get one if you were going to tell me what kind I could have?”
I’m all for boys with earrings, just as i am for girls. no one has ever called me conservative, but i vote for age 13 as the earliest. standing out is great. being different is great. piercings at 13. tattoo’s at 18.
my step daughter surprised me when i saw an enormous tramp stamp just above her buttocks. she was of legal age so i told her she knew what was best for her. by 28 age stopped wearing bikini’s because she was so embarrassed.
we all learn. my 2 extra ear piercings have closed up. leaving them that way. i can live with just 1 in each ear.
good luck!
I have some sympathy for the age 13 argument and I’m seriously considering it.
As for the tattoo conversation, it has some similarities but its different than the piercing conversation. I’ve had the piercing conversation in many places recently and it almost always runs into an interesting conversation about tattooing. I think it would be a great extension to this discussion and I’ve been thinking about that blog post as well…
@Jay, gone are the days that ear rings on guys are looked at as gay. Unless of course they are long and sparkly but even at that, fashion says maybe not?
Dad to dad, at his age, what dad wants should count and be the deciding factor. Could be that he’s simply testing boundaries with you, getting a feel of who you are. Above anything, you’re his dad. You’re not denying him anything that’s age appropriate or unreasonable. He’s obviously a nice guy and I’m sure he has a lot of talents and gifts. Build him up as a person.
By all means I am not saying this is who you are but many parents want to be their kids friends and be cool. Kids at your sons age needs a dad more then anything, a dad that is clear in what he desires of his son.
My kids are grown and fortunately, I wasn’t confronted with e the ear ring thing but was very much confronted with other issues. Fast forward to 5 years ago when my son was 22. I paid for his dreadlocks which have grown to his lower back. The dread locks were actually my idea which really surprised him in that he thought of getting them but didn’t have the nerve.
You have a lot of years in front of you to be cool, but for now you’re the dad and believe me when I (dad of two grown kids) tell you, you’re son will respect you for your decisions. My dad passed away when I was 20 and there is seldom a day that I wish he were here. All the things he taught me, all the times that I resented him for his perceived strictness are all the times that I wish he was here for me to tell him he was so cool and so right. I go to his grave monthly to tell him so.
Appreciate you sharing your experience, Tom. And your words are not lost on me. One of the things that my son said during these conversations is that what his family thinks about this issue is very important to him. He realizes whose opinion matters most at this point in his life. Which is why I’m trying so hard to sort out exactly what I feel about it — so I can provide well-grounded counsel and direction to him.
I agree with you that being cool is not a dad’s primary role at this age. I sometimes struggle with providing firmness, but I believe as I think you do that this is the essence of good parenting. Rules and guidelines and expectations help kids grow well, just like a tomato plant needs stakes so that its fruits can find the sun and have room to blossom.
Back late to the conversation… So I’m angry, eh? You guys don’t know me well then. I am sometimes blunt, but that doesn’t equate to anger. Directness is a lost virtue in the world of political correctness. So in the interest of directness, let me add to the earlier comment…
I have seen and been exposed to a lot of truly annoying self-absorbed, disrespectful brats over the years. They were all the product of permissive housholds who let them do things like getting earrings at age 9 so they could “stand out from the crowd”. Not saying anything about your kid, Jay, just sayin’…
I have also met many responsible, respectful kids who didn’t worry about how they looked, didn’t worry about being the coolest or standing out in a crowd. They were humble, well-behaved and the product of households where the parents gave clear left and right limits and were firmly in charge.
None of them had earrings, at least until they went to college. Nuff said…