John Kinnear loves the feminist dad shirt meme that’s been making the rounds, but wants his daughter to know that saying “she makes the rules” isn’t as simple as it sounds.
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Have you seen this shirt? It has been all over the place. I shared it. I cheered. I like to think of myself as a feminist father. And I agree with the shirt, mostly.
Here’s the problem with shirts and bumper stickers and sound bites. They boil everything down into a simple digestible message that, while catchy and convenient, is also easily misconstrued. I could see myself buying this shirt and wearing it proudly, only to have it come back and bite me in the ass when my 14-year-old daughter wants to create all the rules when it comes to dating. That’s not going to fly.
My being a feminist father does not mean she gets to make the rules. I can just hear it now: “But Dad! You have that shirt! My body, my rules. I get to ride on Snake’s motorcycle without a helmet if I want to! And my curfew is now eleventy-thirty! And since that number doesn’t exist, that means I never have to come home. Also, thanks for teaching me how to be a smart-ass. See you never, Daddy!” VRRRROOOOOOM. And then she drives off on the back of that asshole Snake’s hover bike and I never see her again. THANKS A LOT, SHIRT!
Yes, I am exaggerating a bit. The shirt is simplifying a bit. Let’s find the middle ground. Here are my rules for my daughter.
Note: These rules apply to my son, too. I am just going to refer to my daughter so I don’t have to annoyingly write “her/him, they, my kids” this entire post.
1. You get to pick who you date.
Yes, even Snake. I don’t even care if Snake is a boy or a girl. You get to pick. I may not like them, and I may express my concern, but I don’t have veto power when it comes to who you like or love. I hope… I really hope that my opinion will still matter to you when you start dating, but I think that has more to do with my finding a way to remain relevant than your deciding that my opinion is still worth anything. I hope I love all the people you date. I hope you pick people who see strength in you and love you for it. I hope your self-esteem is a gate through which only the worthy may pass, but you and only you get the final determination of who is worthy.
2. I get to pick when you date them and for how long.
By “how long” I don’t mean weeks/months/years. By “when and how long,” I mean days of the week and hours of the day. You live in my house, and I am responsible for your schedule. Most of the time, your schedule will be negotiable, and you will maintain the lion’s share of the control over it. But if you are slipping at school, if you are not keeping up on your share of the household responsibilities, if for some godforsaken reason you decide to become a Bears fan, your schedule belongs to me and Snake will have to stand outside your window with a boom box.
3. You get to use me as an excuse.
In high school I had a girl tell me she was breaking up with me because she didn’t want to disappoint her father. I was being too forward and she said no (not sex, but kissing, hugging, etc.). I was respectful, but bitter. I hated her dad for a long time for “oppressing” her. Years later, I found out that they just had a deal that she could use him as an out any time she needed him. They were that close. I hope we can be that close.
You can kiss whomever you want. I don’t care. But if you are in a situation that you don’t feel comfortable in, and you want to blame your “oppressive asshole dad” for needing to leave or break up or whatever, go right ahead. I have been called an asshole for much worse reasons. I know that emotional honesty is a better way to go, but handsy teenagers aren’t always the best with emotional honesty.
4. You have to listen to me when we talk about sex, or at least pretend to listen.
You have to sit down. You have to respond. You can be embarrassed. You can blush and bury your face in your hands when I say things like fallopian tubes and labia and… OK, I won’t say labia. I don’t know why I would need to say labia. The point is, we’re going to talk about sex before you start dating, when you start dating, and after you start dating. It isn’t going to be a taboo subject in our house. It isn’t going to be something that we are ashamed of, but it IS going to be something I ask you to respect. Sex is a big deal. It is a bond between you and another human being. It has the power to begin the ULTIMATE bond between you and another human being. It is our responsibility as parents to teach you about sex, its benefits AND its risks. It’s your responsibility to decide what you do with that information. Which brings me to the last rule, and back to the T-shirt.
5. Your body. Your rules.
When it comes to who touches you, when it comes to sex, you get to decide. Your mom and I can’t exert control in this area, even if we wanted to. Our influence and reach ends at number 4. I hope that we do a good enough job between now and whenever you decide to take that step that it will be a decision you feel comfortable with, with a person you feel comfortable with, but most of all I just want it to be YOUR decision. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. Not me, not your mom, and definitely not Snake.
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I don’t know if these rules make me a feminist father. I’m sure I contradict myself somewhere within, or I will when the realities of raising a teenager become more apparent. Like Whitman said: “Do I contradict myself? Very well then… I contradict myself; I am large… I contain multitudes.”
I just want my daughter to know that while I do not view myself as the protector of her chastity, I do view myself as the protector of her. And her brother. It’s my job. Not because I am a male, but because I am a parent.
Note: I reserve the right to amend or add to these rules as needed when I have to deal with an actual, live teenager. It’s nice to dream, though.
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An earlier version of this piece appeared on John Kinnear’s personal blog, Ask Your Dad. You can also find him desperately trying to be funny on Facebook.
“And then she drives off on the back of that asshole Snake’s hover bike and I never see her again. THANKS A LOT, SHIRT!” This was great, made me laugh. Hover bike! So perfect. Made me think of the hover boards in Back to the Future II. Liked this article very much. I liked the t-shirt too but I also felt that it was giving a little to much away to kids that still need some direction. I would also add a last point. To also teach her to respect other people’s bodies too. It’s not *all* about her. She… Read more »
” OK, I won’t say labia. I don’t know why I would need to say labia.”
Why wouldn’t you need to say labia when you are talking to your daughter about sex?
That seem like a pretty important topic to cover. Why would you not give her this information?
Why gloss over such a big part of her sexual anatomy?
That was a joke.
Hey! Don’t let a joke get in the way of a good Rant!
Being the mother of a girl who I feel we have done a decent job of getting to 18 – Yeah, that’s always been pretty much my philosophy. She is her own person (and that HAS [for me] and WILL [for you] come back to bitecha in the butt!), and she’s been thru a lot – but if her current boyfriend is any indication – I think we did a good job, and she’s a smart enough kid to make the best decisions for her. That doesn’t mean she always has in the (gulp) 5 years since she thought she… Read more »
I found this piece beautiful. I’m commenting because it seems the other comments want to talk about other things. I’m sure your kids will appreciate your attitude towards their dating habits…I know I did with my parents’ attitude. Kids, especially girls, need to be taught that they don’t have to submit to another’s will. They don’t have to be pressured into anything because otherwise the person will leave them or hurt them or because everyone else is doing it. If they want to wait, that’s their right. If they want to move forward, as long as the other person is… Read more »
Judging by your picture, you’re still years away from making these decisions. As a father of 3 grown daughters (all happily married), I would have met ‘Snake’ at the door with a chain saw in my hand , running!(I’m not kidding, I really did that!) It kind of sets the parameters right off the bat. You can argue what works theroreticly , I prefer to live in reality. As Leia says, what chance does a 115# freshman have against 200-300# football players unless they realize retribution (grizzly) is probable.
are you saying the only way for men to be respectful good human beings is upon threat of death? But complain when women talk this way about men. I never understood that. The dad will feel completely justified in threatening a guy dating his daughter because “he knows what guys are like at that age” – Then fly into a rage over a woman telling her daughter that she needs to be careful around men because they will not respect her because she is a woman.. god forbid a woman say it but a man can say it with impunity.… Read more »
I’ve got a 17 year old son now and raised another one who is an adult. Any man or woman threatening either of my children will discover quick, fast and in a hurry that those boys also have parents. We will start with filing a police report and ensure that if ANY HARM comes to my children, I know exactly who to look at first. I grew up in a family where a member was murdered. I don’t take threats lightly, nor do I find violence funny. If my kids get threatened, there will be serious consequences.
Lynn, you are just a rant waiting to happen! You couldn’t be more off the mark if you were living on Mars! You Feminist are always screaming “1 in4, 1 in 4!” and all I was trying to do is help prevent my girls from being a “1 in 4”. Hey, I grew up protecting my 2 sisters. In fact, me and my friends would watch out for each others sisters! Yes, I trusted my daughters to make the right choices, but to these guys I didn’t know, well I just wanted them to know that I ‘had their back’.… Read more »
After reading about the rape of a freshman student by football players at Hobart and William Smith College, it seems that so much talk and education can go on…but when a drunk freshman is alone with a football player in a fraternity house, apparently he and his friends are the ones who make the rules….
This isn’t called feminism. its called common sense.
Attributing common sense to feminism is kinda silly. allowing feminists to use common sense seems normal and in some cases would actually be welcome.
Just as you removed your gender from your role, which I think is very well done, I feel feminists start to explore the idea that all women are not feminists and all men are not interested in abusing womens rights or personal spaces.