Kary Oberbrunner says you choose whether you let your circumstances affect your life.
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You might have been victimized, but are you a victim?
They’re not the same. Victimization occurs when a situation happens to us we can’t control. For example, we could be victims of:
- Identity theft.
- Verbal abuse.
- Unexpected scams.
But living with a victim mindset is much different. It’s something we choose, often ignorantly and unaware.
Let’s use a job situation for example. Have you ever gotten stuck in an employment rut and said:
- I’d like to leave, but I can’t. My family wouldn’t approve.
- Sure, I wish my job was different, but I’d have to get my own health insurance and I hear that’s difficult.
- My spouse says the stress from my job is wearing on me, but I can handle it. I don’t think it’s a problem.
♦◊♦
If we met several years ago, (before I left my day job) our conversation would have sounded something like that. Without even trying, I slipped into a victim mindset.
Unrealized dreams felt too painful and so I simply pinned it on others.
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Who wants to be in that icky place? Not me. I eventually broke free, but only after I realized my own victim tendencies. (Clarity always precedes escaping captivity.) Now looking back I see 3 warning signs:
1. I BLAMED others
I made sure to point the finger at everyone else for my own lack of success. Unrealized dreams felt too painful and so I simply pinned it on others.
Blamers abdicate their power and announce their ignorance. They react rather than respond, believing it’s always someone else’s fault.
“Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves, they therefore remain bound.” —James Allen
2. I made EXCUSES
Clinging to my excuses helped me alleviate my pain. Too bad my strategy backfired. I only ended up causing more pain.
My favorite book says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” And that’s exactly the way I felt, heartsick. Excuses allowed me to pretend I didn’t care as much. But lying to myself never fooled anyone…especially me.
“An excuse is worse than a lie, for an excuse is a lie, guarded.”
—Alexander Pope
3. I lived in DENIAL
I tried to convince myself I was content. Although I wanted to leave my day job, I loved the security, familiarity, and safety it provided. Good thing I had a few truth tellers who confronted me.
My friend Chet forced me to examine my situation. His words—a reference to Lord of the Rings—made me feel nauseous because they were true.
“You can’t take the ring and stay in the shire.” —Chet Scott
- Blame?
- Excuses?
- Denial?
Interesting how those 3 victim tendencies spell B—E—D.
Ouch! That’s exactly where I found myself, asleep to my own potential. But on that chilly day, Chet’s words stung my soul enough to wake me up. And sometimes that’s just what it takes—a wake up call.
♦◊♦
On January 15, 2009, at a New York City Airport, 155 people also got a major wakeup call. Only ninety seconds into the flight and their plane hit a flock of geese weighing eight to eighteen pounds each. Moments later Captain “Sully” Sullenberger felt what every pilot fears—double engine failure resulting from a brutal bird strike.
Tanks topped off with fuel and hanging in the air over one of the most densely populated places on the planet and Captain “Sully” had a choice. He could slip into victimhood or choose to be a victor. Lucky for us—and his passengers—he overcame. Here’s how:
No Blame
Although his co-pilot hit the geese, Captain Sully took control of the plane and the situation.
“My aircraft,” Sully said.
“Your aircraft,” said the first officer.
With no seconds to lose, Sully didn’t have time to blame anyone or anything.
No Excuses
We couldn’t fault him for crashing. Only one in a million pilots could have landed safely without power. Still, Sully didn’t make any excuses.
He told CBS news anchor Katie Couric, “For 42 years, I’ve been making small, regular deposits in this bank of experience: education and training. And on January 15, the balance was sufficient so that I could make a very large withdrawal.”
No Denial
We can choose to operate from a victim mindset or a victor mindset.
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Thirty seconds after the engines failed, he radioed air traffic control looking for a place to land. LaGuardia and Teterboro were both suggested, but as the plane fell rapidly, so did the list of possible options.
Captain Sully informed air traffic control of their inevitable destination: “We’re going into the Hudson.”
♦◊♦
We’ll all face a “bird strike” at some point in our lives. We’ll encounter uninvited criticism, unwanted circumstances, or undeserved trials. But when we do, we have a choice. We can choose to operate from a victim mindset or a victor mindset. Like Captain Sully, we can choose to crash or land safely.
I did eventually go from Day Job to Dream Job. But my life only changed when I did—the day I chose to get out of my B—E—D (Blame Excuses Denial).
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Photo: Flickr/ Alexandru Panoiu
Great article, Kary. So much awesome truth here! One of my biggest breakthroughs came when I realized that I was blaming someone else for my lack of success. The truth was that I had envisioned a dream for myself, then expected somebody else to make it a reality. When they didn’t (cuz, honestly, how could they??), I buried my dream and blamed them for it. Now, with clarity on that, I am on the path to finally realizing my dream and my potential.
You exhibit all the signs of a VICTOR Jo. Congrats. You’re taking ownership, accountability, and responsibility. Awesome!
Wow, great article! We have to be intentional about where we are headed in life. Otherwise we can easily get trapped in that B.E.D. mentality. Thanks, Kary!
Intentionality is the key Pat. Thanks for commenting. Now…let’s both be victors.
How appropriate and interesting that it spells B-E-D. A victim mindset truly keeps us asleep to our potential. Paper tigers go up in flames when your soul ignites.
Ohhh… I so like that imagery Anne-Marie. I was asleep for far too long. Never again. 🙂