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It’s hard to understand if you’ve never been there.
I recently posted a question on my Facebook page asking people who’d suffered from depression to describe what it felt like so that those who’d never experienced it could understand it better. Here were the responses:
1. Depression is seeing no future, and no answer for any of the problems in your life.
2. When you have depression, nothing is enjoyable. Nothing can make you smile.
3. It feels like you’re a ghost … not a part of the real world.
4. It’s like drowning … except you can see everyone around you breathing.
5. Depression is a dark, inescapable place. It’s like being locked in a room with no light, windows or door. It’s so dark you can’t even see your hands in front of your face let alone find a way out.
6. Depression is the inability to construct or envision a future.
7. Slipping into depression feels like falling down a dark bottomless shaft, wondering if and when your fall will ever be caught. And as you look back to where you fell from—which is where you know you need to get back to—you can see it receding further into the distance, the proverbial light becoming dimmer and dimmer, while the shaft into which you are falling becomes deeper, darker, and all the more enveloping.
8. Depression to me is like having your mind replaced by another one that makes me feel worthless and numb to life—even to my own husband and son. It deprives me of feeling anything other than a sense of perpetual sadness, never quite knowing the source of it but knowing that feeling well. Depression has stolen my confidence and now I no longer feel I am worthy of anyone’s love. Depression calls me names and makes me have awful thoughts, and there have been times when depression has won and I’ve taken an overdose.
9. It’s like being stuck in a box that you can’t get out of—a very dark place where you feel so low that even simple tasks are difficult. You feel completely alone.
10. A total loss of who you are.
11. Standing underneath a floor of glass, screaming and banging on it trying to get the attention of the rest of the world going about their lives without you. The problem is no-one can hear you or even knows you’re trapped there.
12. Depression is like the heart or the mind breaking.
13. Depression is a state in which nothing tastes, smells, or feels right and you are unable to think or make decisions—yet you still have to carry on doing all those things. And so much of the time you just don’t have the energy or the desire. But you still carry on anyway.
14. The belief that you just don’t matter.
15. Like the death eaters in Harry Potter have caught you and sucked all the goodness from you.
16. Swimming through treacle.
17. Multiple emotions: fear, despair, emptiness, numbness, shame, embarrassment and an inability to recognize the fun, happy person you used to be.
18. Depression is losing the desire to partake in life.
19. It’s like trying to breathe when you’re covered in tar.
20. Depression makes you feel like you’re an actor playing you—one that’s always forced to smile.
21. Being depressed sometimes feels like tunnel vision—regardless of anything going on in your life, you can feel miserable and overwhelmed for no reason at all.
22. Nothingness.
23. Cancer of the soul.
24. Torture.
25. It’s just like being inside a wheel that’s spinning and spinning and you don’t know when it’s going to stop.
26. Living in fog all the time—a world without color or laughter.
27. Like living in a dark tunnel with no light at the end, and no air to breathe no matter how deep a breath you take.
28. Feeling completely alone—even if you’re surrounded by people.
29. Complete and utter hopelessness.
30. Living in hell.
31. Like mourning the death of someone you once loved—you. When you look in the mirror you see only dead eyes. There is no spark. No joy. No hope. You wonder how you will manage to exist another day.
32. Trying to keep your head above water when it’s up to your nose. And getting deeper. And you can’t swim.
33. Feeling numb inside. The world and time just passes by and nothing brings you joy.
34. Feeling dark, lonely, scared. Sleep is the only escape from your pain.
35. It’s like being a prisoner and the jailer both.
36. Waking up to another disappointing day, and feeling that heaviness in your chest that never goes away.
37. Just wanting to stand in a field and scream your head off—but you don’t know why.
38. Like your mind is paralyzed.
39. Depression is silence. It’s total isolation in a room full of people. It’s feeling the drag and pull of life making you smaller by the day
40. It’s like falling into a well or a deep dark hole and having no ladder to climb to help you get out of it. You get trapped in the darkness feeling cold and numb.
41. It makes me feel like I’m a tiny seed stuck at the bottom of a potted plant—the more I try to grow and break free, the more dirt and soil falls on me, suffocating me and pushing me down.
42. Depression is that nasty voice in my head that says things like “your mother never wanted you and that’s why she kicked you out at 15 to sleep on the streets for three months”. It shows me the mental picture of the benches I made my bed and the nooks and crannies I tried to hide in for fear of being raped. The voice also reminds me of my daughter dying and thrusting her photo in my face telling me I’m a rubbish mother. Depression for me is a force so powerful that I fear I may never be free of it.
43. Being depressed is all your emotions taken away from you—apart from negative ones like sadness, anxiety and fear.
44. It’s a ten tonne ball of lead in your gut that you’ve no choice but to drag everywhere with you. And you’ve got to try and look normal doing so.
45. Every day is a struggle and I feel like its ground hog day—same shit, different toilet.
46. It’s a thief … it takes everything from you and leaves you to die.
47. It’s peaceful water to the outside world, but a raging tsunami below the surface.
48. It’s more painful than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced. And NO-ONE can see it.
49. Depression is hating yourself so much you can’t look in the mirror.
50. Depression is waking up wishing you’d died in your sleep.
To those who are currently suffering from depression:
I know how painful depression can be, because I’ve been there myself. But please take solace in the fact that you are not alone—as you can see from all these responses, and the dozens of others that, due to lack of space, I couldn’t include in this article. Remember that the World Health Organisation estimates that 350 million people suffer from depression worldwide; you are one of many, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
The other thing I want to tell you is that, as hard as it may be to believe, recovery IS possible. My memoir recounts my struggle and eventual triumph over depression. I can tell you that I’ve felt everything described in the list above, and that there were times when I was convinced that I’d never, ever get better. But these days I’m very happy and healthy—as are thousands if not millions of other people who’ve also suffered from depression. We’re all proof that recovery is possible. Find more resources at BetterHelp.
To those who’ve never suffered from depression:
Perhaps it’s not possible for you to understand what it truly feels like to have clinical depression unless you’ve suffered from it yourself, but the above descriptions should give you some indication. If nothing more, they should make you realise that depression is far, far more severe than just “having the blues” or feeling “sad”. It is a soul-sucking, debilitating illness – one that is so severe that it claims nearly a million lives a year worldwide. So if you know someone who has it, don’t just tell them to “pull themselves together” or to simply “get over it”. Instead, listen to them. Support them. And most importantly, be their friend.
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Photo: h.koppdelaney / Flickr / Creative Commons License
This post is republished on Medium.
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How long did it take you to finish this race?
It’s kinda like wanting to burst out in tears or laughter at any time and not have any concrete reason for the emotion. Lately, the tears keep wanting to come, yet don’t seem to: I just keep walking around feeling kinda low, but don’t really know why, even when everything seems to be going fairly well.
Love this! Can you do this for anxiety as well?
I feel each one of it most of the times except 45 & 46. Sometimes I wish I had a gun with me, its getting harder and harder!
I NEVER WANT TO BE IN THAT STATE OF MIND EVER AGAIN!!!….. Depression is not from God. It is satan trying to destroy you and your beautiful life, make you believe that you have nothing to live for, that you are ugly and fat, that no one likes you, that nobody loves you, that you can’t do anything right, that you are useless, ext…..ext…DON”T believe him…he is the father of LIES and he use other people around you to get to you…….He WANT you to BELIEVE every one who “snwal” negative stuff at you…DON’T. Instead of listening to those demonic… Read more »
# 51. I feel like a huge burden on the people closest to me. I couldn’t even get up from being curled up in the corner on the bathroom floor to go to the bank. I’ve never been a person to ask for help, mostly because I’ve never wanted to be a burden on others. My boyfriend is so busy and has so much to do, and I can’t even get off the God damn floor of the bathroom to help him with the simplest of tasks. He tries to help, but he has absolutely no idea what it feels… Read more »
It is an unhappiness that just slowly takes over and you feel like you are in a very dark and turbulent ocean that just keeps churning you around at will. I have never felt so exhausted that even my bones feel so heavy and hard to lift or move. The pain both physical and mental is indescribable to others and I would give anything for some relief. I would not wish this on any living soul. The anger, pain and frustration is all consuming at times and makes it hard to think and make decisions about a future that seems… Read more »
Depression is knowing your sick, standing there with the cure in one hand and poison in the other, without the energy to to decide which will help you.
That list of 50 and the ones posted here are some of the saddest things I’ve ever read. I’m so sorry that so many have to deal with this. The responses definitely gives a much different perspective than a textbook. It gives a much better understanding of what people go through bc it’s so personal. I can’t imagine what so many go through. All I can offer are words of encouragement and sincerely say: hang in there and don’t give up or into it more & that I have high hopes for all to be able to manage and be… Read more »
Depression is like a veil made from iron which locks onto your being and your head and brain seems physically sore. You wear a happy mask to veil the sadness because you cant be the you who is filled with the sadness. I could see the longing and the disconnect in R Williams eyes that we strong people are not suppose to have. If I fall apart I have failed everybody else not ever allowing any emotions for myself. In the darkness you are always lost and cant find your way out to what makes sense. In the light you… Read more »
It’s like swimming on a sticky deep sea, that keeps sucking you downward. Just the effort to keep your head over the water requires every ounce of will you have, it takes away all of your strenght. And everyone keeps telling you to cheer and be positive, so you just feel more and more stupid because they make it sound so easy. But they don’t know, because just fighting against drowning is so tiresome, you just have no energy left to get out. And sometimes you just give up the fight and hope that the drowning comes quickly, except it… Read more »
I’ve wrestled with depression for around 40 years now….since childhood. It is like wading through treacle some days… the constant exhaustion saps any motivation to get things done like housework, cooking, even personal care like washing or brushing teeth. The thing that makes it a 100 times worse though, is the battle with doctors (for understanding and appropriate help…drugs don’t cure it, they just mask the symptoms and make the lethargy even worse) and the battle with the authorities who assume you’re just lazy and should be working your butt off. Life is much harder when you battle with depression;… Read more »
Sometimes, pretty and poetic words aren’t enough. The fact is it’s a cold hard fact that no one wants to accept. No one believes you don’t have control over your emotions. And that’s extremely isolating. Worse, is when you think that way about yourself. When depression strikes a rational person who needs control to function, it’s a disaster. When it hits me, I feel as if I’m on the outside watching myself, telling myself to pull my shit together. But even though my rational mind is functioning, I can’t stop feeling the pain and the insane thoughts running through my… Read more »
Yes!! Exactly. That outside-looking-in feeling, like the depressed me is encased in sound-proof glass, and the real Me is banging on the outside, screaming ‘pull it together’…and then another numb version outside THAT floating above, completely helpless to do anything at all. So very unreal….
“its like a thorn in my mind,
digging deeper and deeper
and killing the love that it finds”
~ Emery
It took me awhile to find the word to decribe my feeling ~ Lethargic. Without me knowing ot. I just felt slowlu losing my energy, my enthusiasm, my zest for life. Felt confused of what is happening to me? The word depression did not come to mind. Its tough. Its hard life. But i draggwd myself oit of the abbys. Soigjt help. And slow picking up the pieces.
I hear you there, I was taking a psychology major and I still couldn’t see what was happening. I’d learned about depression several times over throughout numerous courses, but the description just wasn’t enough to show me the difference between the almost unthinking optimism and unquestioning self-assurance I’d once had and the cavernous shell of fear and self-doubt that had become my own body. I suspected I might be a little depressed about a couple of hard turns I’d been thrown, but I just never realized how bad it had actually gotten. It had been a long and slow enough… Read more »
I feel like I want to be by myself but I’m terrified of being alone.
Acid has been poured into my brain; every thing and thought is toxic. And pointless.
I think pointless is a fantastic word for it. Sometimes it feels like you can see a little into tomorrow, but nothing beyond that ever really feels like anything you can depend on or affect.
Really helpful to read how others articulate their experience of depression. I have Bipolar and have spent years hiding it partly because it seams impossible to explain to someone who doesn’t understand. I don’t blame people for not understanding it is as previous comment says “like explaining colour to someone born blind”. However I hope more people will try and think about what depression is like for sufferers and their supporters, and this LIST of 50 points looks like a great place to start.
Thank you for collating it.
Like waiting for the sun to rise forever
It’s not their fault that they have no frame of reference. It’s like trying to describe colors to someone who was born blind.
I am suffering from depression, but there’s a very evident and obvious cause: a marital crisis. But one factor not mentioned is simply a constant sense of tiredness. Weariness. Exhaustion.
Yes! The exhaustion is horrendous!!!