A female writer takes a bold stance. Sex on a first date is actually pretty cool.
Nobody likes first dates.
They’re awkward, they usually involve some kind of drink or meal that you’d rather not share with a stranger, and there’s always that hesitant question at the forefront of both your minds: Are we going to have sex later?
Thanks to a lot of poodle skirts and antiquated ideas about dating, first-date sex has become a topic of controversy, with many of us still believing in the shameful stigma attached to it.
Despite our generally enlightened attitudes in this new-age hookup culture, we’re still viewing sex on the first date as a make-or-break moment, leaving most of us to agonize over what the right move is.
We’re so caught up in society’s expectation of us that we disregard our own personal desires. We’re too busy trying to decipher what the other person is thinking that we don’t listen to what we actually want.
Why put all this power and judgment into the guy’s hands? And moreover, why would you want to be with a man who judges women in this way?
Sex should not be viewed as an exchange of goods, whereby women give it as a “down payment” on a relationship and men receive it as a “thank you” for taking her out to dinner. And having sex on the first date shouldn’t negatively impact your chances of a long-term relationship.
Let’s strip sexual activity of all it’s damaging implications and bring it back to what it is: just sex.
We’ve done the research and here it is, straight-up: There’s nothing wrong with having sex on the first date. We’re not going to think less of you or judge you. We’re not going to slut-shame you. And you shouldn’t feel apologetic or guilty.
If you’re feeling hot and you want it, then you should have absolutely no qualms about going for it.
And if that pep talk isn’t enough, how about this statistic? A 2012 Singles in America survey found that 55 percent of singles reporting having had sex on the first date (66 percent of men; 44 percent of women).
People want to get it on, and they’re caring less and less about when it’s so-called ‘appropriate’ to happen.
Here are the 7 science-backed reasons why you totally have sex on the first date.
1. He won’t think less of you
A 2013 Cosmopolitan poll found that 83 percent of women believe men will think less of a woman who has sex on the first date. (That’s a lot of mind-f*cking, ladies!) But the reality is that the majority of guys, specifically 67 percent of those polled, maintain they absolutely don’t. So we can now all put this common fear behind us — the numbers don’t lie.
Perhaps that skepticism is coming from your own insecurities about having sex. “If you know that sleeping with someone won’t bring out your best or will make you needy, it’s a good idea to wait,” says Andrea Syrtash, co-writer of the book, “It’s Okay to Sleep With Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked.” “However, don’t wait because you think the guy will lose respect or interest. Wait because of how it will affect you.”
Your decision to have sex is your own; it’s not about him. Regardless, guys who are interested in you and want to see you will still follow up and pursue you — especially after they’ve seen you naked.
2. You’ll keep him coming back for more
Who says that having sex on the first date will turn away guys? Have you met them? They love sex! If you’re confident and enjoy what you’re doing, then they’ll be more inclined to return for seconds.
In this scenario, having sex on the first date actually benefits you and increases your chances of a second meeting.
Remember too that men are pretty basic when it comes to dating and sex. If they like you, they like you.
As Jeff Wilser, co-author of “It’s Okay to Sleep With Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked” tells Cosmo, “In the history of planet Earth, no guy has ever said, “She’s awesome. She’s intelligent. She’s sexy, and she’s into ‘Game of Thrones.’ There’s only one problem.…We hooked up on the first date.”
3. Cuts the sexual tension
If you don’t have sex early on, the pressure to have it builds too greatly. Each subsequent date becomes a constant mind-game of “Should I keep waiting? He’s taken me on three dates, should I just do it?
Maïa Mazaurette, columnist for GQ magazine in France, agrees saying, “Because Brits and Americans are wary about when to move the relationship into the bedroom it makes us more prudish when we finally get down to it.”
When sexual tension builds, you’re likely to become more awkward and over-analytical about why it’s not happening. Think like a Frenchwoman and don’t be afraid to take a bite out of that baguette!
4. Chemistry is chemistry
Jeff Wilser says it best, “If there’s chemistry, there’s chemistry, and from the guy’s perspective, it doesn’t really matter if we hook up on date one or date seven.”
You don’t need to turn sex on the first date into this momentous decision. If you both are into each other, then there’s no good reason not to enjoy each other more.
5. They want it!
According to the 2012 Singles In America study, 41 percent of New York men regard sex on the first date as “very appropriate” or “somewhat appropriate.”
So don’t be hesitant on the guy’s behalf. Chances are he wants it just as badly as you do, and he isn’t condemning the act either.
6. You find out if you’re really connected
Sexual compatibility is important part of a relationship. By having sex on the first date, you get to establish that special connection early on. And if it’s enjoyable, it’ll only increase your attraction to one another.
“In this day and age, more people recognize sex as an important component of a successful relationship, not something to be ashamed of,” says Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a social psychologist at Harvard who studies relationships and sexuality.
“For those people, it’s important to establish sexual compatibility early on, and having sex on the first date may be the right move for them.”
7. ….You get to have sex!
Even if you eventually find out you hate this person, at least you haven’t wasted your time. Stop stressing about how it appears and look on the brightside, you’re getting it in!
Philip N. Cohen, a sociology professor at the University of Maryland, assuages all our fearful reluctance with some profound logic: at the end of the day, it’s not about sex, it’s about your attraction to one another.
All that matters is how much the couple like and are attracted to each other, which determines how many dates they have, and whether the guy calls back.
It appears that the first-date-sex couples usually don’t last because people don’t know each other very well on first dates and they have a high rate of failure regardless of sex.
What are you waiting for?
Originally appeared at Elite Daily
Photo invinciblemom / Flickr
About the author: Laura Argintar is a Senior Women’s Editor at Elite Daily, comedienne and low-key science nerd. Listed among her achievements are performing stand-up throughout New York City, graduating with honors from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Science and being the first woman in history to twerk at a 2 Chainz concert. LARG – as her friends call her – enjoys covering women’s topics, watching celebrities self-destruct and rising to any occasion.
This article is bang on. In fact, I tend to respect woman who don’t have hangups about sex. In my experience it’s usually the more confident and together woman who don’t fear their own desires. As a guy, it’s such a relief to get the physical tension out if the way, so I can concentrate on the woman in front of me. It doesn’t always work, even often doesn’t, but that early on, you don’t know that yet and it’s still fun. The caveat is that it’s never the best sex, because it takes me a while to get to… Read more »
I was never the type to just sleep with someone immediately after meeting them. I was set up by my friends with a guy we’d gone to high school with that I never met four years back. We all met at the bar as a group and after being introduced there was very clearly a connection. We hopped a few bars and all went back to my friend’s house. When I was ready to leave for the night, my friends were pushing us to kiss, one even playfully, literally gave me a nudge and I went in, he was surprised… Read more »
Well, it happened to me last year. I liked her a lot anyway and thought we had something, but the following morning, I would have been quite happy to develop the relationship further but was told in no uncertain terms, that was going to be the end of it. And, then she got in touch again four months later and the same thing happened again. Again, I was more than happy to go for it and for it to develop the relationship, I genuinely thought we had something. And a few days later it went cold again. Basically, I got… Read more »
Normally the GMP hosts articles that are very well written and thoughtful. This… not so much.
Nothing has been proven. The statistics are mediocre at best. (41% isn’t even a majority). And where are the statistics about longevity, health, and happiness levels of couples that knocked boots on the first date?
This article is poor and I wish that I hadn’t clicked on it. I hope this isn’t an indication of the direction of this website. I’ve enjoyed the thoughtful articles but if they continue to post demeaning, sexist garbage… I’m out.
Watch “Looking for Mr. Goodbar” and discover why it’s a bad idea to screw on the first date. Or second. Or third. You gotta get to know the guy on some deeper level, or risk ending up with a psycho.
Numbers 1, 2, 4, & 6 are either foolish or just plain wrong. Of course this doesn’t apply to everyone, but the several women that wanted sex with me on a first date, most of them had issues where they felt they had to offer themselves to me physically to make up for other shortcomings. Those women that I did decide to have sex with on the first date never turned into girlfriends either. And once the chemistry or initial spark is gone, love hasn’t had enough time to grow to replace it. So yeah if you’re not looking for… Read more »
Totally agree, Mike! Thanks for the well thought out statement – we need more people like you in these comment threads promoting real maturity.
I get so sick of these articles. For God’s sakes, tou are sharing your body and bodily fluids with another human being! There are many proven risks involved when having sex. Psychological,emotional, physical,etc… stop acting like sex is the same as holding hands;It isn’t. This is not an antiqued idea folks. Science has proven the type of effect sleeping with others at random has on the psyche. This is the facts. Stop acting like animals with no self control and start thinking like the supreme being you are.
Hi Shannon
not to mention the danger of getting involved with a stranger that can be unwilling to let you go now that you are “his”,and yes he keeps coming back for more.
The author of this article also has to explain to me when did American men suddenly start to accept women with a sexual history that say they slept with most of their dates?
This article sound naïve to me.
“The author of this article also has to explain to me when did American men suddenly start to accept women with a sexual history that say they slept with most of their dates?”
Re; probably at the same time they started wanting sex with their dates, too.
What sounds naive is believing anything at all either way. In the handful of experiences I’ve had where women moved towards sex quickly I could easily see that they were gauging who I was and what kind of connection we were making on a mental level before it happened. The crux of the matter is it’s up to each individual to decide for themselves when it feels right to move forward, if at all, and all parties need to respect the boundaries of others until they are dropped. I don’t think the author is saying “you should always have sex… Read more »
I don’t know if I agree with the article 100%. Yes, you might keep him coming back for sex, but will he see you as potential girlfriend material? Whole different question.
haha, you either know for yourself that you’re “girlfriend material” or you don’t. how sad that your decisions are based off what he might think.
Re: #5
A minority of men regarded sex on the first date as very appropriate or somewhat appropriate? Wait, is this an argument for or against sex on the first date?
There’s one important counter-rule that needs to be added: Not all guys want sex on the first date. And if he doesn’t, it doesn’t mean he’s not into you, or can’t read signals, or is ‘less manly’ or whatever. It could simply mean that he wants a deeper connection first.
Just as it’s perfectly fine for anyone of any gender to sleep with someone they’ve just met, it’s also perfectly fine for that person to want to reserve sex for people they’re emotionally intimate with.
Great comment. As these various stats show, there is no “100%” anything. And if you’re going into a date with an “I wanna get some” or “I hope they wanna get some” expectation, you’re setting the whole thing up for tension and disappointment. Because not everyone wants to have sex, or anything physical, on the first date, for whatever reason.
And any reason or no reason is valid.
I think I’d be way too nervous for sex on first date. Would like to get to know them more first.
Honestly if you do like somone and both of you can handle the stuation knowing that you have truly made a connection then yes it’s OK. If your a woman who can handle a man who’s into you and can genuinely feel he respects you should be fine. Also, if your a man who sees that your with an actual lady who you completely connect with on the mental side of the sexual experience then you should also be fine. Two of the worse rules in connections and dating are: 1. Is seeing someone who you find interesting and not… Read more »