James Michael Sama calls out guys who still think there’s a “game” to love and dating.
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As we grow, advance, and [hopefully] mature as adults, the ways we live our lives should progress at an equal pace. What I find to be some sort of epidemic these days is otherwise seemingly mature and well-adjusted men have stuck to the dating habits they learned in their early 20’s, or maybe even late teens.
Back in those days [Listen to me, sounding like an adult now that I’ve turned 30], a lot of different things accomplished a lot of different goals. Maybe you didn’t really want a serious relationship. Maybe you hadn’t really figured out yourself or what you were looking for. But now that you have matured past that phase in your life, you cannot expect to get better results by utilizing the same old techniques.
If you are going to find yourself a nice girl who you’d feel comfortable bringing home to mom, there are some strategies that you’re going to have to leave behind – because they just don’t cut it anymore.
1. The ‘let’s just see where this goes’ technique.
As you reach your 30’s, and definitely after you hit them, women are past the point of wasting their time with guys who aren’t serious about a future. Women are driven, successful, independent, and want to be with a man who they can consider an equal teammate in life and in love.
The whole ‘I’m still figuring life out’ thing isn’t going to cut it with a mature, established woman. Trust me, I know better than anyone that life is tough and a lot of us probably have no idea what the hell we’re doing. It’s not about having all of the answers – because nobody does – but it is about having some semblance of a path in life that will make her feel comfortable committing to you for the long run. Nobody wants to plan a future with someone who doesn’t have a future planned for themselves.
2. The ‘I’ll wait 3 days to call’ and other nonsense.
Traditional antiquated dating ‘rules’ go out the window when a certain level of maturity is reached. Call when you want to call, text when you want to text. There are no rules or regulations when building a mature, healthy relationship.
If you start overthinking everything and only doing what you think you’re supposed to do (or not do), then the genuineness of your actions begins to fade and give way to a more robotic structure to your relationship. How can someone get to know the real you if you are manufacturing every step you take? Oh, they can’t.
3. ‘Hey, wanna meet up?’ texts.
I’ve mentioned this one a few times before because it’s an ongoing issue. If you want a woman to take you seriously, you need to let her know that you’re taking getting to know her seriously. A last minute text to see if she wants to ‘meet up’ somewhere you’re going to be, isn’t exactly sending the message that you’re willing to put in effort for her.
Meeting up for a drink is not a date. Grabbing a coffee is not a date. A last minute text inviting her to join you out with your group of friends is not a date. Using the actual word and properly inviting a woman on a date is the first step to actually making it one. The next step is actually taking the time to plan something out. Stand out from the crowd by showing her you are different than all the other guys – because you are.
4. Using your phone during the date.
Honestly, this is so cringe-worthy that I hate to even need to bring it up – but I do. Maybe when you’re younger you can both play around on the Instagram machine while you’re waiting for your fries and chocolate shake to be roller-skated over to the car. But, you’re an adult now, and it’s time to control your impulsive urges to check Facebook every 5 seconds.
I know that you’re important and you need to see who just liked your profile photo, but when you are on a date with a real-live woman who is deserving of your attention, that’s precisely what you should be giving her. Have a real conversation, give her your full attention, and leave your phone in your pocket.
5. Wasting time on people you’re not into.
I think we have all probably spent a little too much time with someone who we knew, deep in our hearts, wasn’t right for us. The reasons could vary. Maybe you’d feel too guilty breaking it off with them. Maybe you thought you’d develop stronger feelings for them eventually. Maybe the sex was great, but nothing else really was.
When you’re younger and not really looking to plan a future, it may be nice to be with someone just for companionship as long as you both are looking for the same thing. But when we get older, it’s time to get a little more serious about who we spend our valuable time with. If you know in your heart it’s not going to work in the long run, break it off for both of your sake’s. Nobody should be lead into a dead end.
6. Not being genuine about who you are.
Too many people send their ‘representative’ on the first few days with someone new. You’re on your best behavior, you are polite, courteous, patient, and chivalrous…
While you should absolutely be all of these things, you should really, truly, genuinely be all of these things. If you’re not, don’t pretend that you are, because when the truth comes out it’s just going to make things worse. If you don’t possess these qualities, work on yourself first and develop them before you enter into a relationship with another person. ‘Fake it ’til you make it’ doesn’t apply when someone’s feelings are on the line.
7. Putting on your lame ‘going out in public’ uniform.
Guys, the cargo shorts and Polo shirts are great for casual days with your friends, but if you’re taking a woman out on the town, you’re going to need to step it up. First impressions are important, and unless she’s looking for a frat boy, you’re probably not going to want to look like one.
8. Even considering letting her pay half.
When friends go out, they split the bill. When you are on a date, the man picks up the tab. All of it. There are plenty of ways a woman can reciprocate if she’d like – she can take care of parking, pick up a round of drinks, get the snacks at the show you got tickets for, whatever it may be – but when the tab comes for dinner, don’t let her anywhere near it [and do not accept her offer to split it]. If you think paying for the date is about the money, think again.
Of course, dating changes as we get older. Life is all about progressing and evolving, but it doesn’t happen automatically. Things change on their own – we all know that happens without us needing to put in any effort. But improvement, that takes work.
Work, though, is what makes the final result so rewarding: A happy, healthy relationship with a woman you love.
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Originally appeared on James M. Sama’s blog.
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I have to agree
This is such twaddle. Reentering the dating scene after a divorce has left me quite demoralized with women today. The man has to do all the work, pay all the tabs, dress just right, not be into sex, sports or any hobbies too much, needs to cope with her children and baggage but please it display any of his own. This article perpetuates these myths I’m afraid. The supposedly stronger modern older woman still wants a husband and baby daddy and absolutely has to prove he can be a cash cow for her who preferably wants to stop working the… Read more »
So , if she doesn’t pay half , i guess I can exspect a blow job? We are on a date after all……
Seriously, what the hell? Splitting the check or alternating is not a bad thing: I think it’s a way of showing you both care the same about each other. If someone expected me to pay everytime, I would totally leave that person for good. It’s the 21th century, for Christ sake….
Cargo shorts, as a general rule, should always be avoided.
I’m pretty disappointed with this one. It’s all about open communication, nothing less, nothing more.
I have nothing against ‘let’s just see where this goes’. Spending your time with your head in the future leads to missed opportunities. Appreciate the moment.
Am I the only person to notice that 6 and 7 are at odd with each other? On the one hand the author says be your real self, and then proceeds to say but don’t dress how you normally would, put you best foot forward.
Ok read all the discussions above first and here is my opinion. this is a clear example of the difference between men and women and the way they read and interpret the situation. I always pick up the tab when I take someone out on a date even if she offers to pay half. It is not because I think that it then entitles me to some fun between the sheets or anything like that however I just think it’s the right thing to do maybe I’m just old fashioned. however I do find it nice sometimes when my date… Read more »
why should the bill not be split? this is 2015…
So number seven here confuses me. How is a polo shirt and pair of cargo shorts unacceptable on a first date? If it’s hot out wouldn’t that be a great thing to wear? Wouldn’t you want to be comfortable? I wear polls and collared shirts all the time. I was never in a fraternity but I think this type of wear is more acceptable then a t-shirt and jeans. What are ladies expecting? A full suit?
Because on a website that prides itself on being accepting of all sorts of different life choices… cargo shorts are just toooooo out there. I would guess “grown-ass” men don’t give two shits about what self-proclaimed experts have to say about this matter or any other.
Be genuine! But not if you’re a genuinely casual person. Great advice!
The debate about paying or not paying is why I think initial dates should not be expensive. There are tons of fun and interesting things to do that are free or don’t cost a lot. Example, the first time my boyfriend asked me out, we went to the farmers market and then had coffee and a pastry at a cafe. I think he did offer to buy my coffee and I accepted. But a cup of coffee is no big deal so there is no awkwardness or resentment. Next he found out that I like to play hearts so he… Read more »
@ Jen
That’s great advice that’s kept me out of bad relationships. It’s a good way to find out where a woman is at. If she won’t go out with you to a place that’s free or cheap then that tells you that maybe it’s not the company she wants.
Even considering letting her pay half.
—–> Because we men are all interested in gold digging whores…obviously.
As far as women paying to “be polite”, I don’t buy that. Being polite is thanking a man for the meal by saying thank you (I don’t mean she has a sexual obligation just say thanks). Being polite is telling him you had a good time even if you didn’t because you didn’t want to hurt HIS feelings. Offering to pay a bill though you really have no intention of paying it and resent it if you did, is trying to portray yourself as a person that you’re not. The difference is in the first two instances you’re showing appreciation… Read more »
I am fully capable of paying my own way – however – if a man asks me out on a date and then let’s me pay, I am probably not going to have a very good impression of the fellow. It shows me that he is not financially stable enough to keep up with me financially. If I ask you out, I can pay. Don’t offer to take me out on a date and then expect me to pay half. I’m not your buddy or pal splitting a beer. I’m a woman – a beautiful, smart, and intelligent woman who… Read more »
You sound more like a self obsessed narcissist than a beautiful smart entailment woman. Tell me what do you do on a first date that you can keep up with the man financially? Or is he just to assume that you can otherwise he is just a sexist pig?
“I’m a woman – a beautiful, smart, and intelligent woman who expects”
Clear case of female entitlement right there. Dating with such expectations is no better than the man expecting to get laid or get a bj for forking over a few hours of work worth of money. You get to show up, get fed for free, what do you offer him? Money doesn’t grow on trees, most people have to work hard for it….But I guess when you can freely expect people to pay for your food, you don’t have to work….
Pretty convenient being that guys ask women out most of the time; must be great getting all those free meals.
I insist on a “turns” basis. On the first date, he may pay. It doesn’t bother me. However, the next date will be my turn; the one after that can be his. I like taking turns because I work 50 hours a week. I work hard for my money. The fact that I want to spend it on him should make him feel like he is appreciated and cared about. It is not that I would simply pay for his dinner; rather, I am also thanking him for his time.
@ Bianca
“should make him feel like he is appreciated and cared about. It is not that I would simply pay for his dinner; rather, I am also thanking him for his time.”
Exactly and that’s the type of woman a “mature” dater is going to look for. My point is if you accept her offer, you’ll learn a lot more about her character / philosophy than she might have wanted to let you know during dinner.
Thank you for writing this article.
Translates as: Thankyou for being part of the reeducation camp of men that only benefits women who want to live as overgrown children…
8. Even considering letting her pay half. When friends go out, they split the bill. When you are on a date, the man picks up the tab. All of it. There are plenty of ways a woman can reciprocate if she’d like – she can take care of parking, pick up a round of drinks, get the snacks at the show you got tickets for, whatever it may be – but when the tab comes for dinner, don’t let her anywhere near it [and do not accept her offer to split it]. If you think paying for the date is… Read more »
I love it. Number 6 is so critical it needs to be read twice. Pretending to be someone you’re not will get you no where. In fact, it will just set you back. You will end up giving the impression you’re someone else, and a handful of dates in, she will start to see your true colours shine through.
Be authentic and be yourself from the get go. You will save a lot of wasted time and effort.
“and do not accept her offer to split it”
I disagree ALWAYS accept her offer to split it especially if it’s on a first date. If that causes her not to want to see you again, that tells you more about her than the dinner conversation did.
You’re absolutely right! If I offer to split it…I’m not interested in seeing you again. 😉
Instead of just SAYING at the end of the date you’re not interested in seeing them again.
This immature comment, from a woman, on an article bashing men for being immature…
Excellent analysis Josh ! Just what part of “I am woman, I am equal” do they not get? They pay half on first date or pick up the check on the second date. No Entitlement Princess syndrome.
These days so many women are independent that they would offer to go halves anyway…in fact, they’d insist on it…because they want to make sure you aren’t just paying for everything as a way to manipulate them later to get in their pants…because lets face it, a LOT of men date with this in mind! There are still women who like a man to pay for everything, so I guess you’d have to navigate around that and pick up on queues like…she ain’t offering or insisting on paying half for one! I’m not sure what the woman below you was… Read more »
If I offer to pay half, it’s because I want to pay half. It has nothing to do with ‘insurance’. It has nothing to do with the quality of the date. If I don’t want to have sex with a man, I’m not going to have sex with a man, no matter how much money he spent on the date or whatever. But maybe that’s because I’m in my forties….Then again, maybe it’s just because I have confidence in myself. Do I like a man to pay the bill if we go for dinner? Yeah Not every time. I don’t… Read more »
Yes! You nailed it on the head, SKOL . “It’s like being given a gift and then being asked to pay for it”.
If a man asks you out, yes, (sorry guys) he’s expected to pay. If we do offer to pay half (like if you’re studying the bill extra hard), we are being polite because it can be an awkward moment. If a man who asked me out for a 1st day accepted my money, I’d be a bit turned off.
I agree if he asked you out then he should pay. But with that in mind, why offer to pay half in the first place?
If a man who asked me out for a 1st day accepted my money, I’d be a bit turned off.
From a guy’s perspective if you offer to pay then I think turning down your offer would be insulting to you like I’m trying to play up the old “no little missy let the man take care of that” role.
I think if a woman doesn’t want to pay then she shouldn’t offer.
@ SKOL I agree whoever asks should pay. No one here has suggested that a man ask a woman or even suggest that a woman pay half. I think though it’s different if a woman offers. That changes the rule. I think she shouldn’t offer unless she’s sincere. I think a man should always accept the offer to check the sincerity. Even if I made ten times as much as she (I’ve heard even self identified independent women get offended if a man accepted her offer and he was significantly more affluent than she), I would accept. My respect for… Read more »
@ Philippa “because they want to make sure you aren’t just paying for everything as a way to manipulate them later to get in their pants ” I’ve heard women make similar comments and to be honest, it didn’t come to mind when I made mine. I’m not quite sure how it fits, but my initial feeling is that it makes little difference. She either is sincere in her offer or she’s not. She’s either into you or she’s not. It really doesn’t matter which of the four possibilities come out, the man is better off accepting the offer unless… Read more »
Honestly who pays should be entirely up to the people on the date. I know a lot of women who like to “go Dutch” on first dates with men they don’t know too well because they are aware that some men expect something in return for paying for dates. With my partner, our stance on who pays for date nights or dinner has changed as our relationship developed and in accordance with our respective finances. Early in the relationship I had a job, but he was unemployed, so I paid for most everything. Later, we would split or take turns.… Read more »
Nailed it!
Women are our equals. They should pay their fair share.
Yes, we are equals as human beings, but when it comes to our paychecks, it’s a different matter. I agree with Sierra – if someone asks someone else out on a date – specifically a “date,” and not just “let’s meet over coffee” – the asker pays. Male or female. Once you’re actually dating/in a relationship, you negotiate finances like adults.
Seeing as women do not ask men out in anywhere near the same amount as men, that just mean men nearly always pay since…they have to ask women out. Don’t use paycheck inequality to try justify wanting special privileges. If you can’t pay for your own meal and aren’t super poor then why should he pay for you? A woman who doesn’t want to try go 50:50 on a date, is a bad date, fullstop. All it shows is her entitlement to a man’s money and to be treated as if she is better than he is. It’s a sign… Read more »