Nicole Johnson argues that societal tropes of masculine strength and perseverance obscure the fact that emotional damage can destroy a man.
I have been the beneficiary of magnificent male mentors. From dating tips to elevator pitches, I have received outstanding advice from men. Yet, there is one piece of advisement that stands out amongst the myriad of bestowed male wisdom.
I started my professional career at Vogue magazine. And just in case you’re wondering, The Devil Wears Prada (book and movie) was an accurate depiction of what happens behind-the-scenes at the largest fashion magazine in the world. Ugliness thrives amidst all of that beauty.
Interestingly enough, it wasn’t the enchantment of Couture clothing I remember from my first job. My memories of Vogue magazine lie in my love for New York City and a notable piece of personal advice I received from a co-worker. I was told this by a male mentor 20 years my senior: “Nicole, don’t ever play with a man’s heart. If you don’t like him, cut him loose; don’t string him along. Heartbreak can drive a man crazy.” Fifteen years later, I still ponder his admonishment. Can heartbreak actually drive a man insane?
My husband and I know a man who can’t recover from the heartbreak of his divorce. Two years have past since his divorce was finalized, and he cannot rebound from the loss of his marriage. Prior to his divorce, there were three years of martial struggles, which included therapy and a trial separation. I knew time apart and therapy could not save his marriage. I also knew, from the time they started dating, their relationship would never last. What I did not know was how his heartbreak would debilitate him to an unrecognizable state.
Today I bemoan the plight of this man’s emotional health. He’s been in and out of therapy, he has an extraordinary family, and he has a prefect, precious daughter. However, none of these factors have assisted him on a path to recovery. I no longer recognize him. I’m confounded by his actions and thought process. Consequently, do I think my mentor was correct? Can heartbreak drive a man insane? Yes, I believe this type of pain can break a man.
There are pervasive stereotypes of men in our culture. Here’s the short list: it is not preferable for men to fail, it is not preferable for men to be weak, it is not preferable for men to be helpless, and it is not preferable for men to be overtly emotional. Moreover, men are expected to be strong, men are expected to be brave, men are expected to succeed, men are expected to be powerful, and men are expected to be providers.
Men also have to contend with cultural clichés. For example, phrases such as: “Grow a pair,” “Take your balls out of your purse,” and “Man Up” have become ubiquitous in modern vernacular. (Conversely, the female equivalents to this jargon are nonexistent.) These generalizations have the potential to greatly impact a man’s psyche, especially a man suffering from a failed relationship or marriage.
Family history, personal history, and biochemistry will continue to be the primary factors when analyzing emotional health. In conjunction with these markers, I believe we should acknowledge the culture we live in. If people recognize the suppressive stereotypes our society places upon men, perhaps they will be more skilled at helping men through heartbreak. Of course, a man’s free will and personal accountability are considerations that need to be examined. If a limitless amount of personal and professional assistance cannot lift a man from heartbreak, how can he be saved? The answer lies within the man. He is the only person who can save himself from the insanity of heartbreak.
—Photo erix!/Flickr
About Nicole Johnson
In some scenarios, heartbreak actually defines a man or defined him long before he even knew what was happening. It can give life a sick purpose, for men or women. How can you break a horrible yet happy-to-be-in-it rut? That’s what I’d like to know.
I agree, Addie. Heartbreak can define a man (or a woman).
As for the rut you are referring to, and how to break it – time, therapy, unconditional love from friends and family, belief in one’s self, and the determination to be authentically happy will help most people out of a rut. That said, there are certain people who have an abundance of personal and professional support, yet they can not move forward.
That does resonate with me. After almost fifteen years of marriage, two children, and the usual ups and downs, my wife had multiple online affairs. She briefly got to the physical stage with a couple of the other parties. It took me awhile to figure out what was happening. When I confronted her about it, I made it clear that I wanted her to stop and that I was willing to give the marriage another chance (taking, in light of your article, a responsible, practical, loyal, forgiving, and stoic approach). I have never cheated during my small number of relationships and had never been in the position of “cheet-ee”. In the lexicon of love or whatever you want to call it, I was and am still pretty naive. But I was also aware of the disastrous effect my own parents’ divorce had on me as a boy, and I did not wish to see my boys dealing with the same instability and dicey mother’s boyfriends/second husbands that I did. So I rallied around the position of reconciliation. Fortunately, my wife came around after pushback, denial, relapse, and so forth, and our marriage is on solid ground now.
Unfortunately, the pain and feelings of rejection and inadequacy don’t just go away, several years after the day of discovery. There were a number of business and work issues that I could simply not give my full attention to for a long time, which I regret. I still feel resentful about the money and opportunity that were squandered during the time of my wife’s infidelity. During that time I was very solid breadwinner, and I don’t like to reflect on how I was rewarded for it. So now I try to keep my career powder dry but take time for family and activities. If working less OT and indulging hobbies in my spare time is my midlife “spree”, so be it. I’m not breaking anyone’s heart.
Your wife is extremely lucky to have you as a husband, and your children are blessed to have you as a father. I hope you are authentically happy with your life and your marriage. Thank you for sharing your story, Pedro.
Maybe that’s connected to all the incidence of heart disease in men. All that pressure to hold it in, be strong and not let the pain show? Too woo woo?
But when your heart literally breaks, you need to pay attention. Maybe we should pay more attention to the figurative breaks as well.
@Julie G: “Maybe that’s connected to all the incidence of heart disease in men.”
From a symbolic and psycho-somatic perspective, it makes perfect sense.
The more you com-press and re-press something, the sooner it will break.
I had a friend of mine dying from an heart attack at 40; he was a strong man, but his affective and emotional life was as arid as a desert.
I think his heart just couldn’t stand anymore a life like that.
@ Julie G & @ Crescendo63 -
Outstanding observation, Julie.
Crescendo63 – I am sorry for your loss.
Several years ago, Newsweek ran a cover-story about men and depression.
Here is the link: http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2007/02/25/men-depression-facing-darkness.html
Greta Article Nicole. It is great that you show women that men are not selfish, non-feeling jerks who only care about getting laid.
Real men have feelings and are not ashamed of showing them. Unfortunately for many men like your friend they have been programmed to shut down that part of themselves for so long that even when presented with opportunities to leanr how to process and deal with their emotional pain they unconsciously resist.
Keep up the great work!
Thank you, Joe! Yes, I hope women realize men are faced with suppressive stereotypes and societal pressures. Additionally, I hope we see a cultural shift where men can reach out to other men in times of distress and help a friend or loved one work through their pain.
I think this topic is long overdue for discussion. The popular culture is full of discussions of female heartbreak but very little conversation about the emotional pain many men experience. I’ve always thought there needed to be a companion to “He’s Just Not That Into You” written for boys and men. I think most women have no idea how difficult it is for a man to make himself emotionally vulnerable to a woman. It’s not in our genes to go there.
I agree, Ed. This topic is long overdue… Pop culture perseverates on female heartbreak. From “chick-lit” to “chick-flicks”, female heartbreak and their reactions to the heartbreak, are woven into every plot line. It is time for society to discuss (and validate) a man’s pain when going through heartbreak or any other taxing circumstance.
My wife ended our twenty year relationship after she bumped into her ex boyfriend at a party. It took her exactly four weeks to decide to leave me and our children. Talk about blindsided. I have always been emotionally strong but that almost broke me. It took me over a year to come out of the fog I was living in.
Nicole, Very perceptive article! Your mentor at Vogue gave you some wonderful advice, and I wish that more women out there would get the memo. Unfortunately, it is the men who possess the most empathy, decency, and compassion who are the most susceptible to debilitating heartbreak. You know, the “nice guys”. Assholes don’t get their hearts broken. Consider how many great country and blues songs written by men were the product of heartbreak. Unfortunately, most men don’t have that outlet for their grief, and lacking a guitar they pick up a bottle or a shotgun. A friend of mine, a kind and gentle man, had his wife of many years and his children’s mother split with another guy. Every time I see him now he has some different physical malady, and he literally walks stooped over like he is carrying a big boulder of pain on his shoulders. When you have that boulder weighing you down, it is hard to move on to something else.
Thank you, JP! Agreed, I hope women start to genuinely understand the pain and suffering men go through… I’m sorry to hear about your friend; I hope he eventually finds peace and happiness.
The late, great comedian Sam Kinison had a line, “every man has that one woman who really messed him up.” The woman who got deep inside, and whose loss was catastrophic from an emotional standpoint. Best thing to do is feel the pain, go through it, don’t run from it, and when you come out the other end of the tunnel you may find that you are a stronger, more empathetic, and wiser man.
It’s hard to see the light when you are in the throes of failed love, but getting your heart broken, especially if you were a man who aspired to an unrealistic sense of masculinity, can actually turn out to be a positive.
You may never love as deeply again, but what relationship does come your way you will value more for having “loved and lost”, which, the poets say, is better than never having loved at all.
I’d say, “Man up, feel, and learn from the experience.
Beautifully stated, Mark! Of course, I laughed at your “Man Up” reference ,-)
Heartbreak can break anyone. Heartbreak does not discriminate based on gender, orientation or anything else. Men are people – so what makes them immune to heartbreak. Given that American society, writ large does not encourage or support men expressing anything other than anger or aggression or occasionally sadness at the death of parent or intimate and even then in proscribed manners and ways. In this paradigm men are denied the outlet to express the feelings and obtain the healing release, support and nurturing that having feelings acknowledged, accepted and validated provides. If anything it intensifies the pain and compounds the suffering. Expecting a person who is hurt to ignore and or bury the hurt and function normally and never let it out is draining and causes stress which can and does have physical side effects.
Yes, sweetsue; heartbreak can happen to anyone at any stage of a relationship. No one is impervious to heartbreak. Women create deep bonds with other women. Additionally, women have a greater sense of emotional and verbal community with each other, especially around this subject. When you have outlets to purge the pain, the intensity wanes. In our culture, women have more outlets for purging pain than men. I hope this changes…
When I found out about my wife’s infidelity, I did confide in a few close friends and my siblings to get it off my chest (which drove my wife nuts at the time, because nothing messes with a cheater’s high like the harsh glare of publicity.) However, I also did not want to overdo it by telling everybody everything and thus defining myself by my victimhood, if that makes any sense.
I think women’s more elaborate and voluminous emotional language can lead to trouble. My wife justified her waywardness with some pseudo spiritual/personal growth/self-fulfillment language. I’m not sure how much she really believed it herself, but dammit if it didn’t sound like pop cultural Eat Pray Love palaver. For my part, I was able to do some “work”, listening to her and reading books about marriage, to try and address what I could be doing to be a better husband.
@Pedro: “I think women’s more elaborate and voluminous emotional language can lead to trouble.”
I don’t think the issue is women’s language… Both sexes go a long way to justify themselves.
In your case, hers sounds more like denial and avoidance. “I’ll do and say anything to not feel guilty!”. Maybe for your benefit, maybe for her own sake…
Human beings have an extreme need to “feel good ” about themselves, and this makes self-deception quite common (or building up elaborate alibis).
I use this rule:
- if the explanation is short and simple, is probably honest and true;
- if it’s long, convoluted and weird… well, it’s likely even the other party don’t really believe it.
Good luck for your process of understanding and facing the situation.
I think the more honest (and calm) you keep, the easier it will be for her admitting her faults.
Circumcision on a new born followed by formula instead of breast milk; then day care at six-eight weeks and we produce a confused, selfish, angry human, easily prone to abusive, barbaric behavior laced with self destruction.
As someone else mentioned, in the media it’s normally female heartbreak that is featured. However, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if men take heartbreak worse than women in general. Same for infidelity. In my experience, a man will nearly cry if he thinks his woman is cheating even if he is cheating.
My first boyfriend cried when he broke up with me. He was a manly man- Navy, been to Iraq 2x.
I think part of the reason is that men generally warm up faster to women than the other way around.
Why are these articles so damn short? It’s like the author’s are just getting started, and BOOM, it’s over.
In my experience with divorce, I realized that men are pressured to glorify love, but trivialize, demonize, and ignore heartbreak.
I was with my ex for 9 years and married for 2. I was madly in love with her. She began to suffer from anxiety and alcoholism. It was terrible on our relationship. For me, the hardest part was the alcoholism. She hid it from me for over a year. Since I didn’t know how much she was drinking, I thought that she had a serious neurological disease or something. Of course, when I’d bring things up, it devolved into a huge fight. She ended up cheating on me. I kicked her out of the house, and she slowly spiraled downward emotionally, physically, financially, legally, etc. The whole process took a horrific toll on me. It has been almost three years. For around 1 year, I could barely keep my shit together as I was graduating from my PhD program into the worst economy in 80 years. Only in the past 6 months or so, can I honestly say that I feel like I have reached an emotionally and financially stable place in my life.
It wasn’t 6 months after my divorce that people were asking me if I were dating anyone. They’d comment on how great I seemed to be taking everything. It made me want scream because I was so heartbroken. Heartbroken is a terrific word that is used too lightly-my heart was broken. The most surprising thing about my divorce was that I never knew how deeply that I could hurt. Sure, I had break ups and unrecquited love, but nothing like this.
I just got out of relationship. Its been 2-3 months and im still not over it. I have accepted it, even dated a few girls but deep down im hurting, i think of her everyday. I have had previous relationships but this one was different, funny thing is i should have knew better.
But as the old saying goes “love is blind” and now my heart is broke and i feel broken. I am dating a girl now and she already wants to get serious and to tell you the truth, not only do i not want to get serious but i feel like it isn’t mentally possible to at this point. Im 41 so its not like i haven’t been around the block with women.
I am currently unemployed but all i want to do is get a job so i have something to keep my mind occupied. Until then i have been walking allot and doing things to occupy my time, but she is always in the back of my mind. For me it really feels “if you break a mans heart, you break a mans spirit”. I would love to talk to her but i dare not and know better.
But i can’t get rid of the feelings and i can’t look at another women the same again. I been hurt before but not like this. I know this and old article but feeling down and lonely and i can’t help it. I guess i feel broken.