The Unbelievable Secret to Getting More Sex

beach kiss

Most people aren’t getting enough sex, and they don’t know what to do about it. Dr. NerdLove steps in to examine the problem and offer solutions.

One of the ongoing complaints I see amongst my readers and in society in general is sex. Most people aren’t getting laid enough… and they don’t know what to do about it. Whether it’s a case of chasing after numbers, finding a no-strings-attached hook-up, a lack of nookie in a committed relationship or even just managing to lose one’s virginity, it often seems like sexual fulfillment is something that happens to other people.

It’s a constant source of frustration, angst, even self-harm in men. It’s led men to drink, drugs and dodgy sub-reddits.

But no longer.

Today, I’m going to do something that nobody else has done: I’m going to give you the secret to getting all of the sex you can handle… and I’m giving it away for free ((So many jokes…)). No sales pitch. No “free-sample-now-pay-for-the-rest.” No dodgy links. Everything’s on the up and up.

I warn you now: it’s not going to be easy. But I think you’ll agree with me that it’s worth it.

Ready?

 

The Single Biggest Impediment To Sex

You want to know the main reason why sex seems so damned difficult to come by unless you’re one of the blessed few who seem to have an intrinsic grasp of social dynamics?

It’s women. Kinda.

More specifically: it’s the way that society has treated and socialized women for literallyhundreds and thousands of years. Over generations, society has placed barrier after barrier between women and their own sexuality. In fact, the dominant narrative for the last two hundred years has been that women are inherently the “purer” sex, the ones who are biologically inclined to monogamy, who are the less lustful of the species.

Women – and society – have been taught that sex is a masculine trait; men are satyrs who can barely control themselves while women are tasked with having to guard not only their own virtue but regulate men’s sexuality as well, because Lord knows men can’t, bless their hearts.

In fact, until relatively recently, female sexuality was an oxymoron. The idea that women evenwanted sex was a heretical thought.

 

Women As Non-Sexual Beings

It wasn’t always thus. In fact, in the western Classical Age, women’s sexuality was considered to be in many ways superior to men’s. In Ovid’s Metamorphosis,  Tiresias is called upon to settle a bet between Zeus and Hera: who gets more out of sex, men or women?1 After spending years transformed by the gods into a woman – never let it be said that the Greeks didn’t believe in rigorous study – Tiresias had an answer: a woman’s pleasure from sex wasnine times more intense than a man’s.

“Oh yeah? Well my satisfaction is OVER 9000!!!!”

Medicine and fertility treatments of the time – well up until the Middle Ages – focused on the importance, even necessity of women’s sexual pleasure in order to ensure conception… the female orgasm was considered to be as important, if not more so, than the man’s.

Not, mind you, that this meant that women’s sexuality was embraced or approved of. The madonna/whore dichotomy was well and truly in place early on. In the Talmud, Adam’s first wife Lilith is expelled from Eden for trying to take the superior role in sex – riding her husband rather than laying back and thinking of Babylon; after her expulsion she goes on to lay with the wild beasts of the desert and becomes the mother of demons. Eve’s sin – giving in to temptation – is the burden of all women. The Malleus Maleficarum – the official witch-hunter’s guidebook of the early modern Catholic Church – tells stories of lustful witches who steal men’s seed, stamina and even their genitals through sex. 

The idea of woman-as-insatiable-temptress lasted right up until the 19th century when suddenly the narrative shifted. Now it was no longer that women were lustful and needed to be controlled; now the story – especially promoted by proto-feminist movements and Protestant Christianity and eagerly adopted by Victorian England – was that women were the purer gender.

This idea would go on to shape not just the perception of women, but the understanding of human sexuality.

 

Science, Evo-Psych and The Power of the Cultural Narrative

We like to think that we’re a logical species – that we see the world with gimlet-eyed clarity and a belief in science and evidence above all else. After all, we’ve tamed the deserts, charted the oceans, harnessed the atom and conquered outer space… clearly we are a people of lucid cognition who see only what is real, untainted by superstition or cultural prejudice.

Except this isn’t true. We let confirmation bias control much of what we believe, even down toour science. Much of our belief about human sexuality – the importance and universality of monogamy, for example – stem from the Flintsonization of primitive cultures. Darwin was a notorious prude and this directly influenced his interpretations of evolution, as well as the interpretations of those who came after him. We ascribe modern morality and concepts to our paleolithic ancestors because we believe that it was always thus.

This is never more evident than in evolutionary psychology. The goal of evo-psych is to show that our modern behavior is inborn, that everything from whom we’re attracted to, to social dynamics, is born out of evolution instead of societal change. Women, for example, are built for monogamy and are less interested in sex in general – so the theory goes – because sperm is metaphorically cheap while eggs are expensive; there is less metabolic cost to men for producing sperm, while women not only generate the ovum, but place their health and safety at risk by bearing the child. It follows, then, that men are naturally not inclined to monogamy because their lizard-brains tell them that they need to spread their cheap sperm far and wide to better maximize their potential for offspring. Women, on the other hand, hold back sex in exchange for status, protection and resources; they want to maximize their individual offspring’s chances to survive… and sexual access is the currency they have to offer.

It’s a lovely theory, one that just feels right. We all know men are hornier than women after all…

Except it’s not true. Not only are women not less sexually inclined than men, but neither are they naturally monogamous. Female primates don’t actually trade sex for protection and support; in fact, it’s more beneficial for the female to mate with many males because of the way it obscures paternity and helps prevent the threat infanticide from males who might want to make her fertile again. Humans in particular are built for multiple partners; male genitalia and sexual response are designed to flush out the sperm of other males.

The “eggs are cheap” theory falls into a logical fallacy known as post hoc ergo propter hoc – “after this, therefor because of this”. It’s backfilling the origins of modern sexual behavior by establishing a seemingly logical “reason” for its existence. But we’ve seen over and over again that, in fact, human sexuality has far less to do with reproduction than evo-psych would have us believe.

We let the cultural narrative control how we see the world and that belief affects everything else. Scientists have long said that males of almost every species are the sexual aggressors, because we’ve long believed that males are the universally dominant gender. But because we believe this, we overlook evidence to the contrary. When we study animal reproduction, we often focus on the actual mating… but not on the behavior that leads up to it.

In his book What Do Women Want? Daniel Bergner interviews scientists who study sexual behavior in animals – and the results are interesting. Even in species as diverse as rats and rhesus monkeys, the female does the majority of the initiation for sex; rather than letting the pheromones produced by estrus do all of the work for her, she must entice the male into mating. More often than not, the male’s contribution to sex involves being a passive actor, only coming to action when called upon.

This blindness persists even into human sexuality. One of the biggest “discoveries” trumpeted around the Internet in 2009 was the stunning revelation that the human clitoris is actually much, much larger than previously thought – extending far into the body and actually bifurcating into branches and wrapping around the vagina like a pair wings.

… if I make a “Cthulu lies dreaming in sunken R’yleh” joke, ya’ll are going to kill me, aren’t you?

… if I make a “Cthulu lies dreaming in sunken R’yleh” joke, ya’ll are going to kill me, aren’t you?

Except… this wasn’t really news. In fact, this had been discovered and published in medical journals more than 11 years earlier when Dr. Helen O’Connoll studied the clitoris in an MRI. And yet, this fact was ignored in medical textbooks and anatomical illustrations until recently. For reference, the penis was mapped via MRI in the 1970s.  The clitoris was treated as a vestigal organ at best. While thousands upon thousands of pages have been written about penile surgery – especially about restoring or enhancing sensation, the majority of medical information regarding the clitoris and clitoral hood consisted of dermatology.

Why? Because the clitoris’ only purpose is sexual pleasure. And we, as a culture, continue to be incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of female sexuality or women having sexual agency.

Good Girls Go To Heaven/Bad Girls Go Everywhere

To be a woman in the modern world is to be placed at odds with one’s own sexual desires.

In the opening chapters of his book, Daniel Berenger talks about an eye-opening study regarding the differences between female and male sexuality. Dr. Meredith Chivers, a professor of Clinical Psychology at Queen’s University conducted a study of the sexual response in men and women, comparing one’s subjective arousal to the actual arousal as measured by blood flow to the genitals. Subjects – men and women of various sexual orientations – would watch an assortment of videos of 90 seconds each- heterosexual and homosexual couples having sex, nude men, nude women, men and women masturbating and a pair of bonobos mating. Between each clip, they would be shown a video of a nature scene to return their arousal level back to baseline normal. Each subject had a keypad on which they would rate their feelings of arousal. As a result, Chivers had records of each participant’s subjective and objective arousal.

Male response tracked closely to their reported sexual identity; gay men were aroused by gay porn and nude men while straight men were aroused by the hetero couples and the women; their subjective and objective arousal levels matched. Women’s… did not.

In fact, the records showed that women were far more aroused than men by a wider variety of images. Regardless of sexual identity, the female subjects were aroused by the sexual activity; the lesbian subjects were aroused by the male homosexual porn and the hetero subjects were aroused by the sapphic lovers and scenes of women masturbating. And yet the levels of subjective arousal reported by the participants varied. Again, the men’s self-reported arousal levels matched their recorded blood-flow… but the women’s were often contradictedby their own bodies.

There have been other studies that strongly suggest that the cause for the discordant results is that women are socialized to be disconnected from their own sexuality – that men are allowedto sexually in tune with their own wants and lusts while women are not.

Considering the way that society responds to any suggestion that women are sexual creatures, this is hardly surprising. In the 1940s and 50s, Alfred Kinsey conducted the first comprehensive study of human sexuality and published his findings in two books. The first, Sexual Behavior In the Human Male was a runaway success, turning Dr. Kinsey into an overnight celebrity; quite the unexpected reception for a dry tome full of charts and statistical data, written for the academic and scientific community. The second book however, Sexual Behavior In The Human Female did not get the same response. In fact, public outcry against his findings – that women masturbated, that most women had pre-marital sex, that a surprising number were lesbians or bisexual and had same-sex experiences – was so intense that there was a Congressional inquiry into his finances. He lost his grants and his job and died in poverty. The backlash against his findings and his study was so great that it hampered future research into human sexuality for decades. 

Society, in effect, attempted to bury the Kinsey reports because they didn’t like the way it disrupted the social narrative about female sexuality.

Even as social mores changed with rise of feminism and the Sexual Revolution in the 60s, women who were overtly sexual were portrayed as having something wrong with them; they clearly had been abused, or psychological problems or were otherwise just “damaged goods”. The idea that they might have sex for pleasure’s sake was anathema. Women, we are told over and over again, require emotional inspiration for sex; even the classic “Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask)” insisted that “before a woman could have sexual intercourse, she must have social intercourse”. The infamous 1989 Clark/Hatfield study continues to be held up as “evidence” that women don’t like sex the way that men do despite the problems with its methodology and the subsequent studies that refute it.

Even today, society pushes back hard against women owning their sexual interests… even as women are encouraged to take active control of every other aspect of their lives. Every few months it seems, somebody notices that the sexual culture has been changing, especially on college campuses. It seems that not a month can go by without another article tut-tutting and pearl-clutching over the rise of “hook-up culture” and the “dangers” it’s presenting to young women.

Even the New York Times couldn’t get away from the slut-shaming; while the first few stories talked about young women who were engaging in sex because they felt like it, the second half was equal parts finger-wag and tragedy porn, a mélange of regrets, tales of woe and rape. The message was unmistakable: these poor girls, ruining their lives because they were fucking like men.

The point was driven home later by Newsweek editor-in-chief Tina Brown:

I found this tragic because it basically says that these girls are completely editing out tenderness, intimacy, excitement, somebody respecting them

Yes. Women deciding that they wanted no-strings attached sex meant that they were cutting themselves off from intimacy and permanently marking themselves with a scarlet “S” that would forever prevent some man from considering them a viable future spouse. In 2013.

Of course, it certainly doesn’t help when you have politician after politician actively punishing women for having sex for any reason outside of missionary-position-and-strictly-for-procreation. First it was the conservative outcry over – get this – birth control pills, something that hasn’t been controversial  since Griswold Vs. Connecticut  (1965) made it legal for married couples and Eisenstadt v. Baird (1971) made it legal for everyone else. Rick Perry decided to lead the nationwide charge against women’s sex lives by mandating getting a stick shoved up one’s hoo-hah as an unavoidable prerequisite to getting an abortion and then closed 99% of the abortion clinics in Texas. And as goes Texas, so goes the rest of the nation; Virginia, Wisconsin and Michigan were quick to follow with their own version of the trans-vaginal ultrasound laws as a way to punish all those sluts for their sluttish ways.

But where would all of the slut-shaming be without a generous dose of hypocrisy to go with it?

Women are allowed to be sexual… but only in prescribed ways. Their sexuality is to be a performance, something done in order to please men, not for themselves. The nude women that bedeck the scenery of Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” are decorative, not empowered; their sexiness is there to affirm Thicke’s desirability and virility. The Daily Mail – a UK tabloid that is, frankly so shitty that wrapping fish in it would be an insult to the ocean, takes great glee in drawing attention to nip-slips, muffin-tops and the occasional oops-no-panties moment for female celebrities. It loves nothing more than criticizing them for their shamelessness & lack of decency – as well as not keeping their bodies to the desired standards of Daily Mail’s readers and editorial board.

…and few celebs are willing or able to slap back as effectively or awesomely as Amanda Palmer did. Warning, very NSFW

Geek culture similarly has a love/hate relationship with women’s sexuality; they may love the sexy cosplayers but only in as much as they gratify men’s interests… and even then they’re suspect. Adrienne Curry gets held up as an “attention whore”2 and “fake” geek girl whenever she attends San Diego Comic-Con in skimpy costumes. Cosplayers who portray sexy characters, Rule 69 versions, or otherwise show “too much” skin are simultaneously lusted after – witness the number of “hottest cosplayer” photo galleries – and accused of only being there to bolster their number of Facebook and Instagram followers. As though someone who’s “only in it for the attention” is willing to shell out the hundreds of bucks for a SDCC pass, fight through the Thunderdome that is the Comic-Con hotel-reservation system3 and spend countless hours and dollars creating costumes just “for the attention” rather than a way of embodying and expressing their love for the characters they adore….

It isn’t helped any when men themselves are socially resistant to sexually aggressive women. A large part of why women aren’t willing to approach men they’re interested in is because men react badly to such a violation of the social narrative. When women make the first move, they’re often seen as being slutty or overly-aggressive. Those men who don’t respond with immediate distaste tend to overestimate the women’s interest in them and react accordingly… which is to say, trying to spelunk her tonsils with any portion of his anatomy he thinks she might take.

Small wonder then, that women – even in this day and age, when more and more young women are discarding traditional definitions of “feminine behavior” and forgoing dating for casual relationships in college – are still uncomfortable with the idea of fucking as care-free as men do; not only do they bear the majority of the physical risk but the social risk as well.

The Secret To Getting More Sex

So now that you’ve stuck around this long, let’s talk about what all this means to you.

If you’re looking for more casual sex, whether it’s a fuck-buddy relationship, a same-night hook-up, or just no-strings attached sex, you’re going to have your work cut out for you. The level of cultural conditioning that we’ve received – women and men – is difficult to unravel and work through… even when you know it’s there. There are a large number of women who want a casual hook-up but feel uncomfortable pursuing one because of social opprobrium, even in 2013. Women are continually subject to messages of denial and shame when they step out of the traditional gender roles of sexuality and this directly affects their relationships… and yours.

(As the official NerdLove Celebrity Patronus Dan Savage has said many times, part of why American culture’s so screwed up over sex is that “Canada got the French, Australia got the convicts and America got the Puritans”.)

So what can you do about it?

Understand That Women Want Sex Too

As far as advice goes, this seems like a “duh, George” moment if ever there was one. But one common sticking point I’ve seen over and over again is accepting the idea that women are as much sexual beings as men are. All too often, guys have a hard time expressing their desires or even wanting to admit that they have them. They often see their own sexuality as problematic and assume that women are naturally going to be offended by it because they’re so much less animalistic or base than men, or that they have different needs. Except it’s not true; women want to get laid just as much as men do and for the same reasons. Sometimes they want emotional intimacy or to feel desired. Sometimes they’re bored and it’s something to do. Sometimes it’s a way of proving something to themselves or to others. And sometimes they’re just horny and want to fuck.

Accepting that women are sexual beings, just as men are, is an important part of being able to relate to them sexually and to be able to communicate with them. It’s not a negotiation or trade of value for value, it’s a collaboration; you’re both interested in something that’s fun and feels good, here’s what you both bring to the table, are you interested?

Be Non-Judgmental

A major impediment to women’s sexual interest is social. A woman who expresses herself sexually is branded as a slut or a whore; a woman who has too much sex – for suitably random values of ‘too much’ – is seen as worth less or “damaged”. All too often, if a woman is overtly sexual, society is quick to assume that there’s something wrong with her or that she’s doing damage to herself; almost every hand-wringing article about “hook-up culture” in colleges worries about how these women are ruining their future potential. Strippers and escorts, so goes the common assumption, are only doing their job because “daddy touched them” or they have unspecified “issues”.  Amanda Knox’s sex life (**Gasp** she bought a vibrator! She had one night stands!) was used as “proof” that she was mentally unhinged and thus a murderess; even after her acquittal, she’s forced to justify her sexuality to the media.  Even women who simply approach men rather than waiting for men to make the first move are shamed for aggressively pursuing what they want.

One of the sexiest aspects of a modern man is someone who can accept a woman as she is without judgement. It’s fine for her to be the aggressor; it feels good to be desired. Whether she likes to be overtly sexy or not doesn’t speak to the quality of her character, nor does it imply anything other than “she likes to feel sexy”. It doesn’t matter if she’s had one partner or many; it’s only important that she’s into you.

Fight Back Against Rape Culture

I’m a big believer in enlightened self-interest. It’s good to do the right thing just because it’s right… but sometimes it’s worth noting that doing the right thing is good for you as well.  Case in point: Want to get laid more? One of the key reasons why women aren’t as receptive to casual sex as men are is because of the risk to their physical safety. Part of the solution then, is to help build a world where women can feel safe. When harassment is brushed off as “he’s paying you a compliment” or “boys will be boys”, when a rape victim is almost always automatically blamed for her own assault and someone drinking, hanging around with men or is dressed provocatively is seen as “asking for it”, we’re fighting against our own interests. The tolerance, acceptance and even normalization of rape and rape culture all contributes to a world where women are in danger just by virtue of being women. Speaking up when someone is being harassed, calling out rape jokes and bad behavior, supporting women even in the face of being dismissed as a “white knight”, even something as simple as practicing and encouraging enthusiastic consent are all ways of pushing back against rape culture.

Be An Ally

Yes, I’m advocating being a feminist ally because it’ll help you get laid. Remember what I said about enlightened self-interest? It applies just as much here.

Guys get caught up in the myths of feminism and the idea that it’s about taking something away from men – as though privilege is a zero-sum game. Feminism isn’t about hating men or putting men into a submissive role or taking over the world. It is – as the famous quote goes – about “the radical idea that women are people too” and treating them accordingly… and that helps men as well.

There’s a phrase in feminism: “The Patriarchy hurts everyone.”  Every time a man laments that women won’t make the first move, he is lamenting the gender roles that the patriarchal system enforces. Every time he wonders why women aren’t as interested in sex as men are, he’s staring down at behavior enforced by the entrenched structure. Every time a guy is given shit for acting queer, called a fag or is told he’s being a little bitch, he’s being punished for acting outside of the strict definition of “MAN”.

These are all things that feminism is trying to change. Fighting back against the “traditional” definitions and restrictions of gendered behavior frees women and men.

And it helps both men and women sexually. One of the most important victories won by feminism was the right for women to control their reproduction. The introduction of hormonal birth control was a critical factor of the Sexual revolution; when women were able to have sex without the risk of pregnancy, it opened up the world to them. Not only were they able to embrace education and careers without concern about their lives being interrupted by pregnancy, but it also enabled them to pursue relationships – casual and otherwise – with a freedom that they didn’t have before. The conservative push to roll back all of those hard-won victories will directly affect men just as much as women. 

The adage that a rising tide lifts all boats applies to equality as much as it does to finance. Helping work towards equality and social change is in your own best interest.

And besides: allies are sexy as hell.

 

Originally appeared at Paging Dr. NerdLove

Looking for a relationship? The Good Men Project promises to have a really good one with your inbox. Sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter here.

NOW TRENDING ON GMP TV

Super Villain or Not, Parenting Paranoia Ensues
The Garbage Man Explains Happiness
How To Not Suck At Dating

Premium Membership, The Good Men Project

About Harris O'Malley

Harris O'Malley provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove, as well as writing the occasional guest review for Spill.com and appearing on the podcast The League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen. He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and Twitter (@DrNerdLove.)

Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor.

Comments

  1. If women step outside the socially constructed norms of what is “appropriate” sexuality they get called Sluts (mostly by other women).
    If men step outside the socially constructed norms of what is “appropriate” sexuality they get called Creepers and Rapists.

    Now tell me, which one of those is the bigger cross to bear?

    • Except men get SO much more latitude with what is appropriate. A guy can grab my ass non-consensually and people will tell me to lighten up or that I was asking for it, I get called a slut for having had premarital sex… so no

      • Centerfield77 says:

        Ma’am,

        I’m going to respond with your anecdotal experience with my anecdotal experience.

        I’ve never seen a man grab ass non-consensually and have no consequences. Even if the girl is grinding on him on the dance floor, and he is grinding back. I’ve seen guys grabbed up by bouncers and sent flying.

        And I have seen women called sluts for having pre marital sex. But it wasnt the sex part. (though people condemn that to. I disagree with them)

        It was the type, amount and who the sex was had with.

        • Hi Centerfield77

          What you write here is interesting:
          ✺”And I have seen women called sluts for having pre marital sex. But it wasnt the sex part. (though people condemn that to. I disagree with them)

          It was the type, amount and who the sex was had with.”✺
          I think you are right.

          And maybe men are reluctant to see women as sluts if the man they had been with had a higher status that themselves ?

          Still I feel men value a woman more if they have to fight for her. It is like her resistance is a proof that she alway will be faithful to them,and no other man will manage to take her away from him. (He is wrong of course). The fact that she waits for a long time to have sex,is not a proof of anything else than her knowledge about how must men think. It is not a proof of her high moral,or having a better personalty than other women. She simply play be the old rules.

          So men say:” easy come,easy go”

          Or ” all red hot mamas end up with their mamas”.

          Maybe more discretion is expected from women, if they want a sexual happening or a fling, but not a relationship.

    • Anonymous says:

      Back to Will’s original point here, there should not be a discussion on what is more of a cross to bear for stepping outside of the social norm or appropriateness. It is simply about choice. A person should be free to have as little or as much sex as they like. So long as the sex they do have is consensual by both (or more if you’re into that kind of thing) parties. Those men (and women, because there are female rapists) who step outside the appropriate norms of social interaction are called creepers and rapists because they do not gain permission. Therefore making them a rapist. Everybody likes to think of sex and men and women having sex or not having sex as a grey area with too many shades, no pun intended to recent literature, but actually it’s black and white. You want it, so does someone else but it has to be consensual! If you follow that one simple rule sex is pretty darn easy.

    • This is an article on how to get more sex. Did you miss the point?

      If you want to write an article on why women should accept men as creepers and rapists so they can get more sex, go right ahead.

    • “If women step outside the socially constructed norms of what is “appropriate” sexuality they get called Sluts (mostly by other women).”

      Mostly by other women? Please, men slut-shame at least as much. And even worse, they act even more violent when doing so: many will stalk, send rape threats and use their state of “superior gender” to shame me and tell me how they are right and I’m wrong. That is even more hurtful and dangerous, as men are still considered the ones who dictate how sex is viewed and practiced in the straight world.

      ” If men step outside the socially constructed norms of what is “appropriate” sexuality they get called Creepers and Rapists.”
      Socially constructed norms of what is appropriate sexually says you should accept a woman’s no and never do something she does not want you to do. If you do so, of course you are a creeper and a rapist. And you think that is a bad thing that these rules exist? Stay away from me, dude.

    • In fact, that is another reason women will not be willing to have more sex with men: you men still want women to accept creepers and rapists. Are you men for real? Are you really comparing the sexual shaming of female sxuality with the well-deserved social shaming of rapists and men who can’t respect women’s boundaries? You men are the problem, and have always been.

  2. Im struggling to see how the way women feel about their own sexuality is somehow my responsibility. Youre expecting men to undo hundreds of years of social condition while women do WHAT exactly? If women want to undo the whole “Slutshaming” culture the number one solution for that is for women to stop constantly calling each other sluts and skanks. I dont think ive heard a man call a woman a slut since high school, while all of my (Feminist!) female friends do it constantly.

    The truth is, its obviously not men that turn women into prudes. We want sex from them, and shaming them for having sex with us is illogical and counter-productive to our own goals. No, it is women who do it to themselves and each other, because women treat sex as a bartered resource. The less sex they have, the more demand there is for it, and the more their sexuality is worth and can buy. This is why women hate sluts, and why so many Feminists are anti-prostitution: they “devalue” sex. The put “too much” sex out into the market, lowering its market value. If sex is freely available, it can no longer carry a premium. They can no longer use the artificial scarcity of their in-demand female sexuality to “date up”, or as a substitute for employment and labor.

    Women want sex to remain a sellers market, rather than a buyers market, in order to retain their social power. Its simple Capitalist economics. And equality is impossible under Capitalism, sexual or otherwise.

    • Hi Will

      I wish I could be polite to you,but what you write here is simply a lot of crap.:
      ✺”We want sex from them, and
      shaming them for having sex with us is illogical and counter-productive to our own goals. No, it is
      women who do it to themselves and each other, because women treat sex as a bartered
      resource. The less sex they have, the more demand there is for it, and the more their sexuality is
      worth and can buy. This is why women hate sluts, and why so many Feminists are anti-
      prostitution: they “devalue” sex. The put “too much” sex out into the market, lowering its market value. If sex is freely available, it can no longer carry a premium. “✺

      It may be your private little hypotheses but it reeks of distrust and hate of women.
      Do you seriously say the double standard exists only inside of women’s heads,while all men respect women no matter what ?
      This is not even an interesting private little hypotheses Will,and it show your lack of knowledge and education. Somehow I feel sorry for you,

    • Actually men AND women slut shame, modern feminism is pretty vocally opposed to slut shaming

    • Your comment is … weird. Being perceived as a slut carries huge social stigma and not just from other women. What man wants to date a “slutty” woman for any other purpose than sex?

      I had a handful of casual sexual experiences in my 20’s. One guy did not call me for a year after our encounter. A year! Then when he called me, he was obviously hoping for an immediate booty call. I felt humiliated, not by the sex we’d had but by what he obviously thought of me as a result of my admittedly slutty behavior with him. Having sex with a guy and then realizing later that he doesn’t care about you and probably doesn’t even like you (or not enough to be cordial to you afterwards) is not a pleasant feeling. Realizing that a man sees you as nothing but a warm body to insert his penis into feels crappy. I don’t know how else to explain it.

      • @Sarah….

        “Having sex with a guy and then realizing later that he doesn’t care about you and probably doesn’t even like you (or not enough to be cordial to you afterwards) is not a pleasant feeling. Realizing that a man sees you as nothing but a warm body to insert his penis into feels crappy.”

        Here is my disconnect with a lot of women: What about the men that women have around for sex, only? They care little about the man. In fact, they would not even consider dating him. But, fucking him is OK. There is nothing else in common.

        Sarah, how is what I described above any different than what you are complaining about? Both are/were consensual acts.

        It’s just that you appear miffed by the fact that HE is the one who was in control and not you. A booty call is a booty call.

        • I have never had a guy around “just for sex” so I have no udea what women who have those kinds of relationships are thinking. If the man in that situation is looking for something more and the woman isn’t, he could end up feeling used as well.

          I think the point I was trying to make is that for a woman, being labelled a slut is bad because it means you will have difficulty finding relationships where men view you as anything other than a booty call, as I learned with my example. It sounds old fashioned I suppose to say this, but men really won’t respect you, they will see you as an easy lay. They won’t care about you as a person – your hopes and dreams in life, your talents (outside of the sack), your goals, who you are as a whole person – none of that will matter. You’ll just be a slutty chick.

          That’s why I think it was ludicrous for the original commenter to imply that men aren’t responsible for women’s fear of being slutty. I think make attitudes very much play a part.

    • Damien Otis says:

      They treat it as a resource because men treat women like resources. Duh.

      • I would argue that women also treat themselves as resources. Look to the vast majority of under 30 women who spend 30 minutes picking the jeans that make her ass look as “juicy” as possible.

        Look to the multi-billion arms race in makeup to give women hyper-feminine features. Eye liner, eye shadow, lash extensions and false eyelashes to literally scream for attention–making many women look like racoons or drag-queens.

        If you think I over-state the case of makeup Look to this link of top 10 pictures of celebs with & without makeup. http://relatablepics.com/celebrities-without-makeup/
        How much less eager for sex do you think men would be if women stopped wearing makeup?

        Men have blame in this, but so do women. Don’t ignore women’s actions to turn themselves into commodities.

  3. Also, if women were hesitant to fill their sexual appetites because of the “inherent physical dangers” involved with being around men, then OBVIOUSLY when when did have sex, it would predominately be with small, weak men who were less capable of physically hurting them. And since we all know that the exact OPPOSITE of that is true, I think we can throw that little theory straight out the window. Anyone who pays attention know that women are actually aroused by fear and danger, not pushed away by it.

    • Actually, funny thing since women worry about small weak men being bitter about exactly this B.S. idea of who gets laid, they avoid these dudes. We’re taught to perceive men as SO threatening their size and physical strength don’t matter.

      Women are not aroused by fear (or at least not most women) did you know that it’s nearly impossible for an anxious woman to have an orgasm, like it straight up messes with sexual response.

      You know who gets laid like crazy though, queer women who are up for a night with a straight girl. I can go to a straight bar, on a week night and sit at the bar, doing nothing and within 20 minutes II’ll have a straight girl who wants me to do her in the bathroom. You know why? Because I’m a lady, women would literally rather get their rocks off with someone of a gender they’re not actually attracted to, because that’s how scared of men they are.

      • “You know why? Because I’m a lady, women would literally rather get their rocks off with someone of a gender they’re not actually attracted to, because that’s how scared of men they are.”

        Hmm, as a bisexual guy, I know its also super easy for me to have sex with straight guys. I know all of my gay and bisexual male friends have sex and give blowjob constantly with straight guys. Does it mean that all these straight guys scared of women? No, I think because its always easier to have quick sex with no emotional attachment if you’re straight with your own gender. Besides, for most of straight guys, the only way for them to feel anyone really aroused and attracted physically with them is with gay/bisexual guys. Most of them actually think straight women aren’t attracted to them physically, just emotionally, especially for one night stand. The feel of want to being desired is so strong they want to have sex with someone from gender they aren’t attracted to. Its not only straight girls that have sex with girls, many straight guys do it too, just more discreet.

        • We know that. Even more because straight dudes love the “free blowjay” with no need for reciprocration many gay/bi guys offer. And that is true most straight women will not show how much they are attracted to men’s bodies – that is part of the sexual castration.

          But the REASONS straight women will rather have sex with gay/bi women is different than the reason straight dudes have sex with gay/bi dudes. They will indeed have it because they do not want to face the dangers.

      • @Madeira…

        “Because I’m a lady, women would literally rather get their rocks off with someone of a gender they’re not actually attracted to, because that’s how scared of men they are.”

        Pure hogwash. Rubbish!!!!!

        If women were that afraid of men, then why are so many out here having sex with “strange” men they meet while on business trips, or casual hookups,…….I have been in the bars of a lot of nice hotels around Washington DC and had women hint at casual sex with me.

        Also, you fail to mention the number of women who have sex with dangerous men. Why? Because danger equates to excitement for a lot of women. Or women who have sex with men whom they don’t even trust. The bad boy, jackass bodybuilders who are screwing a bunch of women…

        You are just dead wrong. What you are saying just does not square with reality.

        • Guys, stop it. Of course SOME women like danger, just like some men like it too. Most DO NOT like it though.
          If you had women hint at casual sex with you… maybe they believe you are not danger? or you label yourself as a dangerous looking man?

      • Hi Madeira
        You write:
        ✺”You know who gets laid like crazy though, queer women who are up for a night with a straight girl. I can go to a straight bar, on a week night and sit at the bar, doing nothing and within 20 minutes II’ll have a straight girl who wants me to do her in the bathroom. You know why? Because I’m a lady, women would literally rather get their rocks off with someone of a gender they’re not actually attracted to, because that’s how scared of men they are.”✺

        Is this what these women tell you Madeira?
        Don’t you think they are bisexual or courious about you?
        And how do you react to offers like that. Why don’t they invite you back home for the night?
        Who on earth wants to have sex in the bathroom in a bar. Not me.

      • Mr Supertypo says:

        ” Women are not aroused by fear (or at least not most women) did you know that it’s nearly impossible for an anxious woman to have an orgasm, like it straight up messes with sexual response. ”

        A good 40% (at least) of women disagree with you :)

        Madeira, do u really expect me or somebody else to buy in this….babble? The majority of women likes men and are not intimidated by us. The girl you met was either bi or les. Normal women are not scared of men. This anxiety is limited to a small circle of women, who probably have been abused. What you are doing right now is projecting your problems to the majority of humans.
        my advice? find a doctor, dont float with your problems, they wont go away, they will only get worse.

        Reality check. The majority of women are not afraid of men, some women even approach men especially dangerous men and bad boys. The idea that generally females are scared of males is a myth. Yes some are, but they have a reason for it. Its not like their fear appeared out of the blue, one Sunday morning. The problem you have (or had) is yours and your own. You know your weakness, now go and find a solution.

        Good luck.

        • “A good 40% (at least) of women disagree with you”
          Really? Show us your proof that anxious women have it easy or easier to achieve orgasms. Really, do that – even more knowing most straight women will NOT achieve orgasms with men anyway, anxious or not.
          The majority of women like men and are not intimidated by men, that is true. But remember: the majority of women also DO NOT want to face danger, and that is the reason most try not to get close to intimidating men. I am not exactly intimidated by men, but will never leave with a man I don’t even know alone. Ever. And the extreme majority of women I know are the same.

          “The problem you have (or had) is yours and your own. You know your weakness, now go and find a solution.”
          if you really believe she has a problem: that is not how you treat people with problems and trauma. Cold idiot.

      • “Actually, funny thing since women worry about small weak men being bitter about exactly this B.S. idea of who gets laid, they avoid these dudes.”

        And rush headlong into “fun time” guys that (despite the warning signs) would never ever harm them like how Natalee Holloway left a bar with 3 men she didn’t know probably because their “bad boy charm” rung her bell hard.

        Good plan!

  4. THANK YOU, personally I’m extremely monogamous (now that I’ve sewn my wild oats) and yes, I do want sex, and the sex I want is weird, and base and animalistic.

  5. Great. So, any women up for challenging social norms? I promise I won’t judge you, just fuck you. Thanks!

  6. Hi Jeeves

    You write:
    ✺” because
    statistics show that the number of sex partners one has had previous to marriage
    is THE strongest predictor of divorce”✺

    Do you have the reference to this research? Since you follow his blog,can you please ask him ? It is interesting and I guess it is facts about the American society and not for all countries on this earth.

    I have heard that the number of previous marriages you have predict the chance of divorce.
    As long as most women lie to researchers about their previous numbers of sex partners I find it hard to believe this man has found recent good reliable research about this . Maybe the marriages where men believe their wife has few or none previous sexual partners last all life :)

    It is highly unlikely that one and I one factor out of many will predict what marriages will last or not. That is not how social science work.

    From my days as a student I remember a study that concluded that those marriages that end in divorce often have one or two with emotional problems,
    So the more mature and emotional healthy you are,the better chances you have for a good lifelong marriage.
    And maybe those most emotional healthy among us knows at a young age how to pick the best partner? I can believe that.

    And I confess I am a bit skeptical when a man tells me he has been marries two-three times.

    But maybe he has, I have not followed his blog.

    • Hi Jeeves

      My last sentence is unclear.
      I wanted to say that maybe this blogger do have references to solid good research about what predict divorce or not in America today.

      If one or more sexual partners before marriage mean a marriage can not last,them nearly everybody in Scandinavia would me divorced. But the divorce rate is in fact 30-33%.
      If you follow a couple from they marry and forward only 30% get divorced .

      How high is the correct rate in America with all its Puritan ethics and abstinence ?

    • Hi Jeeves

      My last sentence is unclear.
      I wanted to say that maybe this blogger do have references to solid good research about what predict divorce or not in America today.

      If one or more sexual partners before marriage mean a marriage can not last,them nearly everybody in Scandinavia would be divorced. But the divorce rate is in fact 30-33%.
      If you follow a couple from they marry and forward only 30% get divorced .

      How high is the correct rate in America with all its Puritan ethics and abstinence ?

  7. Perfect. You almost could read my (woman’s) mind. That’s exactly how we are raised in society.

  8. Some-black-guy-in-europe says:

    Hey you guys :)

    I have read everything in this post, Some other blogger from Mark Manson’s website led me here. I think it is funny and interresting to read all your posts. I hope to learn from some of it.
    @Iben is very scandinavian, isn’t it? Well, Whatever, as if thats what I am here to figure out.

    Right, I think I should share afew things with you guys about my sexual life :D I am laughing out loud about it myself.
    Since I moved from the town that my mom lives(which is actually where I’ve spent my whole summer this year), I have had one goal in my head: to bang as many women as possible. :D But just before I moved, I had graduated from high school as a 21yr old(quite normal according to DK-standards). And in the threes years in high school, I did not have sex with any woman, because I thought that: fx having a girlfriend will give me a headache and remove my focus from my studies. And yes I have quite religious background as well, so I was thinking mostly about finding/waiting for miss-right, riiiight;) Who I by the way doubt will ever show up, fucking cunt as she is, riiiight :D(if she does exist then I am sorry to call her that)
    I was quite familiar with parties, and I used to smoke a lot of weed. But I quit and went to high school. I smoke probably once a year now, and it has to be at a festival.

    Anyway here is the point of this story: In scandinavia, many people, especially single people, go out in the weekend, get shit faced, and perhaps take somebody of the taste home with them for a good shag or whatever.
    Almost immidiately after my graduation, I stormed the street of the town (theres actually just 4 night clubs, and they are all on the same street, and probably 7pubs which are scattered all over the town.
    Every thursday, friday and saturday night, I was in the night clubs hitting( mean, trying to seduce) on women, as horny as I was, riiiight:(And I mean literally somtimes walking from girl to girl, and trying to have a conversation. I wasnt even that drunk) I think I got lucky a couple of times(on the following october, and new years day 2010) The rejections were massive. One time a few girls told me to ”pal hard to get” so that I could increase my chances.
    So I moved 1hrs drive away from the town(I’ve lived by myself since I was 18), and I do almost the same thing, hitting on girls while drunk, which seems to be that, in the denmark I know, it is not very normal to seduce a woman while you are 100% sober. (unless it internet dating)
    At that moment in my new surroundings, I was glad that no one new me, and I could just”do my thang”. I got lucky a lot more than my entire life i those 3 years in the new city. In the town–>7 in the city –>24(in 3 years)
    The new city is home to DKs second biggest university. I started on a smaller university 6months ago in the same city. I must say that women here are a lot better. To say the least, I feel they are more tolerant. And totally not all of them are racists.
    When I was living in the town, I think many people could recognize me very easy. And I might have gained a reputation. ”Thats the guy who goes around hitting on everybody”reputation maybe. Sometimes I met people who I’ve never met and they knew my name.(this could also be because, I might have met them when I was drunk)
    In the new city, there is a few more black people, so I sort of melt in a bit. Since I moved here and doing the same thing as well, I’ve probably made the same reputation for myself(all because of being hornt, riiiight)
    There is a night club I really love because of the music, and the fact that they have ery few seats, so its always crowded on the dance floor. I go there almost every night I’m out. I always try to seduce here as well. But I’ve become a bit layed back now, I dont go on the dance floor asking every woman if she wants to dance, I mostly look for interresting and fun conversation with a woman who I feel attracted to. But it maybe is not so strange, I once got banned for a month for ”being too rough on the ladies”, like I was raping them or something. As I see it, sometimes I was well drunk, and I was incoherent, yes, but I wasn’t and still isn’t the only one riiiight:) Ok, I stopped getting shit-faced now, especially after that months ban. Now I only get tipsy(thats when your balance is still really good and you’re still in touch with reality, and you can talk for ages;))
    I think I now know how to approach, and have a conversation with the woman I am attracted to, its always a bit hard to get some conversations to begin,
    Me: Hi, Iam …
    Her: Hi Iam…
    Me: so do you come here often/do you live around here?
    Her: ????
    Very casual stuff riiiiight?
    That is how I start a conversation. And sometimes I just feel like teasing the shit out of women:
    Me: so they say you are the new iron woman. or if they are clearly overweight I can ask them where they workout, which is just hilarious(only in my head, I never laugh out loud infront of them:)

    Right, maybe thats enough.
    I know some of you are going to say that I have a problem: objectifying women. I love and respect women. It just happens that, every woman I am attracted to, I just want to bang her. I think I am in some sort of strugle now, every time I wake up with a hang over, I ge sooo horny. Every sunday, I masturbate like 5-8 times. That is if I did not get a woman saturday night, and even if I did(when I get home on sunday afternoon, I still jerk off)Ialso found out that I really dont want to be ever in a monogomous relationship, I just want plenty of friends with benefits. :)And perhaps one day I will adopt a child somewhere and become a single parent/da.

    Allright, now to add to the topic of this blog:
    I think that women who live in bigger cities are more sexually open, than those in smaller towns. And I think that it is easier for some women to have a one night, if they have some connect with you, fx if you are her girlfried’s classmate or whatever.
    And I have actually been lucky to meet a few women, who claim that they only are into black/african men. woooord, actually the one I lost my virginity to was claiming that.

    And Lastly: You guys on this blog who are not satisfied with your sexlife, I think you are afraid of rejection. I have been reading a lot from Mark Manson., And I have decided to do some work with myself, I know I am probably what they call needy. I have a lot of neediness.
    So, be very welcome to coment on my sexlife story, I am happy to write it here. Maybe you’ve got some feed back. :D

    • @Some-black-guy-in-Europe..

      “Every sunday, I masturbate like 5-8 times.”

      What, you masturbate on the Sabbath?! Infidel!!!!! LOL!!!!

      Just kidding man.

      On a more serious note, I too have a religious background and it does impact how I conduct my self. I believe in exercising restraint, being kind and compassionate, and having humility in life. You should treat women the same way my friend.

      I know that many women are “promiscuous”. However, you as a human being should always seize the high ground. Being a good person is best in the long run.

      Also, please refrain from using the “c” word. It is like using the “n” word here in a America. It is degrading and derogatory.

    • Man. You do smoke a lot of weed, uh? Damn.

  9. Some-black-guy-in-europe says:

    And I appologise for not being well structured in the previous post. It probably says a lot about my life :D
    I also forgot to mention that, I think women of all colours are beautiful :) And that I have never raped anyone.

    And oh yes: Now when I try to hit on a girl, her friends come over and says that she is her lesbian lover(which is in almost sll cases isnt true) For a guy who is used to rejection, that is the only one that plays with my mind. It makes me a bit angry. I remember one girl rejected me like this: Me Hi I am … Her: Oh, I think that is too aggressive.I am not interested.
    think that she needs a reward for that masterpiece of rejection. Unlike those who try to confuse the shit out of you. They are actually making thins worse. I think a lot of men wouldn’t have any problem walking away from NO that come stright out, instead of playing that ”this is my girlfriend” shiet, when you feel the need to tell them that one of them is fat and ugly and the other is semi fit, and that she could for once wake up to something better looking than what is waiting her the next morning. or whatever, riiiight. (Evertime I write riiiiight, is because I am immitating elegant elliot often’s gangsta talk, riiiiight.

    • Hi Some-black-guy-in-europe

      Yes,Iben is a scandinavian.
      I and hopefully others as well will respond but give me time.

      Just two question. Are you born and grew up in Denmark? The reason why I ask is this. I simply wonder if you know all the cultural codes or not.

      And why do you want to have sex with as many women as possible? Honestly .

      There are some Scandinavians in this community GMP, but most people are from America. Some live in Australia, Asia, Europe, but not many tell us they live in Africa or the Middle East.

    • Hi Some-black-guy-in-europe says:

      You write :
      ✺”every time I wake up with a hang over…..”✺
      All I can say is that I am WORRIED about you!
      Unfortunately you are totally naive about alcohol . And to copy Scandinavians drinking patters, binge drinking is not wise.

      ✺” I once got banned for a month for ”being too rough on the ladies”, like I was raping them or something. As I see it, sometimes I was well drunk, and I was incoherent, yes, but I wasn’t and still isn’t the only one riiiight:) Ok, I stopped getting shit-faced now, especially after that months ban. Now I only get tipsy”…….✺
      I do not think you was raised in Denmark.

      ✺”And I have actually been lucky to meet a few women, who claim that they only are into black/african men”…….✺
      OK,this one is tricky. Yes large Scandinavian cities have places where some black men like to meet,and find women that is ” into black men”.

      Now you are a student at the university in Å.
      What is your dream? A young girl that wants you in a nightclub where some women go to have sex with black men,or a fellow student that think you are cute and admire you for your personalty and knowledge in your field?

      Where is your dignity and feeling of self worth ?

      ✺ “I know I am probably what they call needy. I have a lot of neediness.”…….✺
      Tell us about what you need the most :) persons here are quite nice to each other.

      ✺” I remember one girl rejected me like this: Me Hi I am … Her: Oh, I think that is too aggressive.I am not interested”✺

      Again I get the feeling that you did not grow up in Denmark,and now you are like a kid let loose in the candy store.
      Even if Scandinavian countries are sex friendly we are at the same time more subtle when we initiate contact sexually.

      And men that are what we called butterflies that fly from one flower to another get a reputation. And if you give a girl STD, can also give you a reputation.

      When did you last test for STD?
      Who finances for your studies?
      What is your ambitions Some-black-guy-in-europe ?
      Do you concentrate well in class and learn fast with a hangover ?

    • Mr Supertypo says:

      Some-black-guy-in-europe >

      Min veeeeen :-D

      I know exactly what you are talking about, you feel the fire in your body. I know cuz I also do. But fortunately I manage to keep it in control. Some girls can be so hot that they are astonishing. Trust me as a DJ I get exposed to these girls all the time.

      A advice stop pursuing after easy sex. Instead be cool, funky and funny. Dont buy in all that hyper masculine stuff. The guys who are always serious (bad boy and gangsta look) usually are the one’s who walk home alone. Be funny make them laugh but don’t embarrass yourself. Be cool, dress funky and be funny. You make them laugh then half of the work is done. Never ever push to much, dont disrespect them and dont drink to much. But I guess u already know all this.
      And masturbate less, because to much wanking makes your King Kong soft and u end getting boring in bed. ;)

      In small communities people tend to be more territorial, in bigger cities people are more open, you are right in that. But I know Danes, and I know what makes them suspicious toward foreigners. Don’t criticize Danmark and danish people, they get annoyed (understandably so) let them do the criticism (lots of Danes use this for testing you), don’t agree or disagree with them, just tell them ‘thats the way it is’ and don’t act that you are living in your country of origin (assuming you are not born in DK) far to many fellow foreigners do this mistake, and they wonder why people shun them. And finally don’t brag. Two words Jante loven (the law of the Jantes, people in who lives in DK are already aware of this) But maybe u know this already.

      There is nothing wrong wanting or desiring women, but how you turn this in action is where the right or wrong hammer falls. I know cuz I have been there. All women are different, some just look for a night in heat, others don’t. Some are attracted by foreigners others don’t. Dont use your skin color or your accent . Use your personality instead. I had women literally going crazy because of my Italian accent or brown eyes. But I also met women who made fun out of me. Some nights I even went home (in company) with the conviction that I was a super hero in the dating world with super magnetic seducing powers, enough to put Neill Stauss, Mystery and Tylor Durden to shame. Other times I was literally and utterly humiliated and dragged down in the mud of shame. So use your psychical gift as a bonus. point everything on your personality.

      If you are still interested in girls, next time u r out for clubbing ask the local DJ that you like to help him out and if he can take you as a practicant. You learn the job and then if you are good you substitute him or start as your own as part time Dj. As I do. My real profession is designer, furniture and jewels, but I do a part time job as DJ, yes I have time and energy for this. Trust me I never met so many girls in life since I started as a professional DJ.
      But not everything that shines is gold. I also had women treating me like a retard because of my part time job. And others shuns me, because they are afraid I get to much female attention at the clubs.

      OK few considerations, some women claims they are married or they have a bf or they are lesbians if u push to much. Dont push. STIK EN FINGER I JORDEN (a danish way of saying, it means dont rush, take a good look around first) be confident, and I cant stress enough, be funny and respectful. Funny because even if nothing happens, at least you have a great night, and the girls will remember you with a big smile on their face. And probably they will meet you again. IF you are lucky, they will be into you. Respectful, because nobody likes to be disrespected. And disrespect closes all the doors, after u got kicked out.
      Its sound like a preach, or im trying to patronize you. Not my intention, Im talking to you, but not about you. Some may find this useful next time they go out. If they are living in DK.

      Okeydokey…..my friend. I have a question for you, when you are out and clubbing what language do you speak? Danish or English?

      ps

      There are pills against hang over now ;)

  10. Constance says:

    All I have to say is: THANK YOU!!!!

    And maybe: Why would you use a dumb word like “murderess”?

  11. Hi Flyingka
    No I do not see men as incapable of long lasting love and affection.

    I tried to joke a little with Jeeves about this coach since I hate Alpha male talk. But this mr. Kay is for men to be both alpha and beta.
    For women it is interesting to read the advice men get from coaches about “how to get more sex.” All women should visit those blogs and learn about negging, wingmen , sarging and all their hypotheses about women.

    The coach the Danish guy refers to Mark Manson ,has stopped working as a PUA coach and now advice men against their toxic advice( his words).

    Of course I do not think men can not love or lack feelings. . Men in my family always cry at Christmas Eve when we read from the Bible before dinner.
    And most of my boyfriends friends have been artists or researchers. Creative ,emotional and loving. It was a wrong move from me to marry a lawyer( no offense to other layers online).

    But I do have trust issues with men.
    Since we discussed what factor is the one most important to predict divorce I browsed through some reports and saw my background had many of the factors that predicted divorce. And it was not my ” number “.

    When you have trust issues,you often give up when conflicts arise in love relationships , instead of solving them as a mature person.

    • @Iben—I agree with you… PUA culture can be so formulaic…the men are encouraged to become “social ‘bots”…hitting on women with the same stupid lines and magic tricks or “kino” moves….

      I was at a party where lots of people from my high school attended…many of us brought our spouses…and we all just talked like we were back in high school or college….human to human…we talked about our travels, our kids, and our lives…. For once, no one was trying to sidle up to me and “kino” me or “escalate” the interaction…is it so hard to treat a woman like another human being with thoughts, opinions, and life experience?

      • Mr Supertypo says:

        ” is it so hard to treat a woman like another human being with thoughts, opinions, and life experience? ”

        Absolutely not, its quite easy actually.

        • Not that easy for most American men, actually. Even when they treat you like a human, it is still as a kind of inferior human.

          • I agree. About 60-70% of men make me feel this way. 70-80% in a big city. But the nice, normal guys who literally just see you as the other half of the population, and not as the lesser half, are out there. I married one. :) Definitely worth the time to find one of them!!

  12. some-black-guy-in-europe says:

    woooow, finaly someone who understands me. :D

    Thank you soooo much Mr super typo :) and iben as well. :)I will get back at ya within some 25-30 hrs :) cheers :)

  13. Where does love figure in all this?

  14. “advocating being a feminist ally because it will help you get laid”?

    Please. Don’t pretend to be a feminist to get in my pants.
    Either be a feminist because you truly care about equality, or don’t bother. It will only backfire, and quite badly.
    It takes time and commitment to investigate one’s entitlement issues as a male, to consider how a majority of women have been sexually assaulted or a vic of DV and what that very real factor means for negotiating relationships… Most guys don’t seem to have the time to think about this shit unless it’s affecting their ability to get laid — and then they’ll only care up to the point at which they can get what they want. It’s disingenuous. And women eventually see through it.

    so otherwise good article, but i would re-word that bit.

  15. This is amazing. Science turns my mind more than anything; I’m dwelling on this: “Female primates don’t actually trade sex for protection and support; in fact, it’s more beneficial for the female to mate with many males because of the way it obscures paternity and helps prevent the threat infanticide from males who might want to make her fertile again. “

  16. How does this help in any way to get laid? The advice is very longterm, society related – but does not help the single individual to get laid. Of COURSE women want sex too – but to make it actually happen, it takes more to just “know” that. Frankly speaking, this article rather uses this catchy headline to seed the (in fact good) ideas about modern feminism of the author – but it’s definitely not helping in any way to get laid in a concrete way.

    • I would say that the whole “being non-judgmental” part really quite helps. There is no trick to get laid every time you try. Are you more likely to get laid if you respect women, respect her boundaries, and don’t judge her (or other women) when they are sexually open? Yes. Yes, I think so, as a lady who would totally be into a guy like that.

  17. Hetero- relationships in the US are slowly becoming a legal liability for guys.

  18. I agree with Sven, this article won’t help you get laid. Ha! But it’s full of interesting conversation, and bits that might tip you (a little more) in the direction of more fun and intimacy.

    Sven’s also correct, IMHO, that this is an essentially ”modern feminism” piece.

    Without negating anyone else’s arguments, I’d strongly encourage men to limit their exposure to feminism. It will *not* improve your chances of getting laid, and it will likely weaken your relationships w/ women. Particularly your sexual relationships.

    >> Please. Don’t pretend to be a feminist to get in my pants.
    – deFor

    Thank you. “White knight” was an interesting term in this piece.

    I think many of us – women most of all – can spot the men that are trying to “nice guy” their way into women’s hearts and panties. Which is always… gross. We’ve also all seen these same “feminist” men get bitter that their niceness wasn’t embraced, and get frustrated, and rather nasty. I sympathize with those men. Mating/dating can be frustrating… that’s why many of us are reading this article in the first place.

    >> accepting the idea that women are as much sexual beings as men are
    >> One of the sexiest aspects of a modern man is someone who can accept a woman as she is without judgement.

    This… is the best point in the article.

    The pickup guys (PUAs, seducers) advocate that all men should read My Secret Garden, by Nancy Friday. Took me 7 years to finally do it, and it was perfect. Says what this article is saying, very well. Men — don’t become feminists, but *do* read that book. An eye opener.

    >> Every time a man laments that women won’t make the first move, he is lamenting the gender roles that the patriarchal system enforces.

    Here’s where I think this article gets dangerous. Yes, men (especially ones w/ less than perfect social skills), want women to make the first move. For the same reason I want to find 5$ every time I look at the sidewalk – it’s easier that way, easier than doing any work, or improving myself at all. It’s lazy, and lazy isn’t attractive.

    Men — do not wish for women to approach you. That *is* your problem. It won’t happen, and women won’t appreciate your wishing. Boring. Stop doing that. Grow up. Lead.

    Men — approach more women. That, along w/ some of the ideology in this article, will get you laid more. Guaranteed. It *is* hard work. If you love women, it’s so rewarding… above and beyond the sex.

    Women — I would not encourage you be aggressive, especially not on the approach. You’ll end up w/ passive men, and/or put men back on their heels as they watch your “show”… tease them, let me come fwd. It’s hotter that way, for *most* couples.

    >> It isn’t helped any when men themselves are socially resistant to sexually aggressive women

    I disagree here too. Yes, some men want aggressive women. And some women want more passive men. But most, *most*, of us are not like that. I don’t think this is cultural. I think it’s statistically true. And I think, experientially, it feels right. Men, should lead. Women, should “tempt.” Once you’re in bed, be as aggressive as you want!

    David Deida is amazing on these points. Really beautiful work by him. Highly recommend his work.

    >> I’m advocating being a feminist ally because it’ll help you get laid.

    Men — if you’re looking for a pair of shoes, don’t start in the women’s shoe department. You follow me? That makes no sense at all. Work on yourself. Talk to other strong, masculine men, ones w/ morals and track records you respect. Model after them. Work hard. Grow. And talk to a lot of women (but not about “rape culture”).

    If you’re really doing very well, all “caught up” on your personal development… fine. Spend an hour being a “feminist ally.” Otherwise, be a man. A very good one. Focus on that. We all have plenty to do there.

    >> All women should visit those blogs and learn about negging, wingmen , sarging and all their hypotheses about women.
    -iben

    iBen — you’re pointing to 2005 notes on pickup. Pickup, or seduction, or whatever… is as old as people are. Dig deeper and you’ll find more nuance. And theories that will impress you. “Game” is a blessing for men/women both. Game, is where men/women work together, to eliminate celibacy and boredom. : ]

  19. Well said. Great to see your enlightened and educated perspective.

  20. you got this article spot on. I enjoyed the performance of amanda palmer. makes me homesick for good old fashioned entertainment. how often would you see a public performance in the USA where the entertainer sheds her clothes? Never. They would be immediately arrested, probably even tasered in this NAZI country. Every day I spend in the USA I see more and more similarities to the ww2 german atrocities – corrupt law enforcement everywhere beating up innocent people, corrupt government making people work harder, and pay even more taxes… and the people oblige. They have become complacent. Americans need to start dating more foreigners, for their own good health. As your article says, part of why American culture’s so screwed up over sex is that Canada got the French, Australia got the convicts and America got the Puritans. woo-hoo!

    • I am a woman who recently confessed to a man she liked that she had a crush on him. He gave off a lot of signals of interest including taking me to dinners one on one and paying and other things. He called me a “hot blonde” often. His reply was that he was still in love with his ex but we had a fantastic connection and we should remain friends. I said sure and that I was happy to remain friends and understood. Not an hour later he texts me saying he wants to see me at the pool in my bikini. He said I should go there and text him tomorrow as he would like to join. So you see gentleman why women are reluctant to make the first move. We get shot down but then are sexuality toyed with afterwards. It’s cruel and its a huge blow to our self-esteem. There are ways to gently let someone down. Sending mixed signals and then taunting them for their sexuality makes women and men as well reluctant to put themselves out there again.

  21. I am 100 percent against slut shaming. I hear more “beat type guys” say they want to get married, than I hear women say this. I hear more guys slut shame. I know that women want sex and I personally encourage women to openly express their feminine sexuality, but it has not been a secret resulting in more sex because many women do not want to talk openly about sex. I am a masculine man and I’m not judgmental. I am in favor of contraception. I even recently began writing stories about these issues on my free of charge blog http://sexualfreedomfun.blogspot.com/ . I want women to feel sexual pleasure. I know that in our repressive society especially in the USA where most of the people are sex-negative that we have to be discreet and go to a private place. However, in the USA even with understanding all of this it is still not easy to get more sex. Escorts are legal, but extremely expensive in the USA, and the words sex and money cannot be said without the chance of getting arrested. Going to other countries more than once a year is expensive for most of us. Doing say 200 approaches (especially at night) can take about two weeks or so and could possibly result in maybe sex once or twice. So, getting sex in the USA is not easy, but all of this effort to get sex (even for those few of us “real men who understand all this” who are 100 percent in favor of women being free to have sex) is unbelievable.

  22. Hello all, greetings from Rotterdam in Europe, I am a woman and like sex as much a s any other healthy human being. I like womans history too, I read a lot on psychology and I am very interrested in gender polictics. Readings this article makes me sad. A true ally would not even attempt to put these dilemma in a few hundred words. It isn’t that easy. Sorry guys. This article is a bit rubbish.

  23. Veronica says:

    Sorry. I almost agree but… what happens when is all the way around…??? o_O. I want to have sex. I need a sex partner… but my husband well, he probably thinks I’m not worth it. He was going to be a priest. And just by saying we have an intimacy problem is just fare enough to make him putting on a deffensive position. But he collects thousands of lingerie or almost naked beautiful women pics and of course, I’m quite sure he watches porn (I do the laundry if you know what I mean…) So?… Not always is about how we were taught to see women and sex, but also the way men look at it too.

  24. Cool article, but get your facts straight. The so-called “official” guidebook for witch-hunters, the Malleus Maleficarum, was actually condemned by the Catholic Church. Painting religious groups in an unfavorable light by spreading lies (or unintentional mis-truths) about them doesn’t help make your point.

  25. The Unbelievable Secret to Getting More Sex, sounds interesting, but it’s not helping me as woman, can you make one article that is oppostite too?

  26. When you’re that kind of woman that wants a lot of sex, year after year in a relationship, you get to meet men that are like women that don’t want sex. Sex is very important for me, and it makes me unhappy to not have it. And also, when you’re like me, you get to meet men that hate my porn use, even though it was little.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] This comment of the day was by Steve Horsmon on the post The Unbelievable Secret to Getting More Sex [...]

  2. […] The Unbelievable Secret to Getting More Sex […]

  3. […] A great article about sex, the failings of evolutionary psychology, and what women desire. This one is about enthusiastic consent, which helps me avoid LMR ever being an issue. Both well worth a read, and a good counterpoint to much PUA bollocks. […]

Speak Your Mind

*