One incredibly cool mother considers the possibility of raising gay sons.
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Earlier today I was at the tire store getting a new set of four. Nearby a couple of toddlers were role-playing a scene from Disney’s Frozen while their mother and granddad watched. I smiled at the mom.
“My kids love Frozen, too.”
“Yeah, my girls are crazy for it. They pretend to be princesses all the time.”
“That’s sweet. My boys are all about the songs. I swear they have the entire soundtrack memorized.”
“How old are your boys?”
“They’ll be 8 and 10 this summer.”
The granddad, a leathery guy from Malta, bustled in. “Boys? Watching a girly movie?”
“Eh, my kids like the music and sidekicks. They think the princesses are pretty.”
Granddad brushed his whiskers and shook his head. “You’re gonna make those boys gay. You don’t think it now. You think it’s okay but this is how it starts. My sister, she has a gay son and it started this way.”
I laughed. “I don’t think they’re gay but it wouldn’t really bother me.”
Granddad looked a little shocked. “Yeah? Gay kids? What’d you do with them? No good for families.”
And then my car was ready and the conversation ended. But it gave me something to think about. If my sons were gay, what would my reaction be to some of the common arguments?
It’s unnatural. You know what’s unnatural? Diet foods, Botox, airline travel, Twinkies, chewing gum, Red Bull, and John Travolta’s hairline. But who cares?
Doesn’t gay sex freak you out? Do you really want someone doing that to your son? Here’s the deal: To the best of my knowledge, none of my siblings and neither of my parents have ever had sex. None of my nieces and nephews have ever had sex. In fact, I’m pretty sure you have never had sex and neither have I. And even if we all have had sex, we don’t need to talk about it. So, no, gay sex doesn’t freak me out…because I don’t think about my boys ever having it. Just like I also don’t want to know about their straight sex.
Aren’t you worried they’ll get HIV? No. See above. They won’t be having sex.
But…don’t you want to see him married to a nice girl someday? Can I be honest for a second? I’m a deeply selfish person and I frigging adore my sons. I want them to love me as much as I love them. Not in a Norman Bates or Oedipus Rex way but in truly caring, companionable, friendship way. Now, if it turns out that they disappoint me and they’re straight, I’ll be nice to my future daughters-in-law and welcome them happily (as long as she treats my boys right) but if I could get sons-in-law who are already disposed to liking mamas, I’ve multiplied the “I love mommy” factor by two.
Gay men are so bitchy and they all know each other. Girlfriend, have you been to the nail salon recently? Quicker than you can snap your fingers thrice you’ll immediately note there is snootiness everywhere. And if they all know each other, even better! I lived in the same neighborhood for 8 years and only knew by name one of my neighbors. Maybe my gay sons will manage my social schedule for me and help me get out and about in my old age.
Gay men drink so much! Finally I’ll have someone to keep me company in my old age while I’m sipping cocktails wearing my Vera Bradley mumu at the local VFW.
Gay men are fashion crazy. Oh, Bettie, I sure hope so! There’s only one thing I like about shopping: Walking fast in a climate-controlled building on super hot or super cold days. I derive little pleasure in shopping and none in trying on clothes. My dream is to give someone my credit card with instructions on a budget and let them just pick my clothes that are appropriate to my age, shape, and taste. That’s right, sons. I want to give you my credit card!
Gay men can’t have kids so you’ll never be a grandmother. Hetero, please! First, it is the twenty-teens and a gay man certainly can have a child. But who cares? I’m not the grandmotherly type. If I want little drooling creatures around, I’ll have a second family or get a puppy.
All in all, I can’t think of a single negative in having gay children. In fact, is there any better time to be born that way?
I honestly, truly, and sincerely hope my sons are gay. And I hope your sibling/child/parent/friend is, too. Because all a person should really care about is that their loved ones are healthy and happy. And, in my case, if a son finds that special someone and that special someone happens to be of the same gender, great. And if not, well…maybe I’ll get a gay grandson out of my future daughter-in-law.
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—originally posted at Ironic Pastiche
—modified photo Purple Sherbet Photography / Flickr Creative Commons
As a Mum of a gay teenager this was just the kind of thing I needed to read after finding my son’s prinicipal had said know to the Rainbow Youth team speaking at the school assembly after they had left their home town to drive to our red neck town. I get what Gray is saying too and it was what made we saddest when my son told me he was gay. I knew he would face the same anti-gay crap the man in the tyre store said. Still my son has fabulous taste in clothes and is great at… Read more »
Bravo. I actually had a moment of panic when I was pregnant with my presumed son, when a gay friend asked what I would do if he’s straight. It hadn’t actually occurred to me, as his Dad & I would make the best parents of a non-straight person.
I did have a son. And you know what? I’m raising an awesome, open-minded, caring and affectionate man. He’s only two, though I suspect he is straight… Only time will tell.
»doffs cap« »thundrous applause«
Thank you, Daniel. 🙂
I’m not sure that hoping a child is gay is any less problematic than hoping they are straight, but I do “get” the sentiment. Snappy entertaining read!
I couldn’t agree more. There are so many factors that make a child who he or she is and so many of them are beyond our control or influence. Rather than hope for anything in particular, I keep an open mind. It really comes down to that I hope my kids become their own people, are kind, do right by others, and be comfortable with who they are. (But I’m totally serious about wanting someone to manage my social schedule when I’m old.)
I’d say ask any gay man what fun it was to come out, then rewrite out of the dream sequence to what they have to experience and process in every part of their life. From coming out to marrying to adopting it is no rosy road. While it is becoming more acceptable I don’t for a minute think it has been easy. Sure you will love and embrace them if one of your children does turn out to be gay, but why would you wish that kind of prejudice and heartache for them otherwise? ?
Gray, your question is a passable illustration of the self-fulfilling prophesy. Also, you appear to have missed the author’s point quite completely.
Many writers and humorists have said that prejudice and heartache are just material for more writing.
No aspect of life is easy. But if the tradeoff for a little less acceptance drives them into the arms of their adoring momma, who, really, am *I* to complain?
ha-HAAAH! preach, PREACH! the world needs more mothers (parents in general) with the same kind of humorous unconditional love as yours. thanks for this.
Hetero, please. hahaha! Love ya, T.
Mol: I admit to that being my favorite line. 🙂
LOVE IT
Thank you, Garon!
Amen sister, amen! Excellent post.
Thank you, Tammy!
Outstanding piece, Ms. Willowbottom. Funny and insightful — your boys have themselves a great mother.
Thank you, sir. It’s really more I am a mother with great children. It was a pleasure to work with you on this.