Does divorce always cause irreparable damage to children? Or can they go on to have healthy romantic relationships?
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Why do so many couples with children stay married long after their marriages fail? Often, it’s because of fear—that a divorce will cause irreparable damage to the kids, especially in regard to their ability to forge healthy romantic relationships. And while a bad divorce can definitely scar children in many ways, staying in a toxic marriage can have an equally—if not more severe—negative impact on the kids.
If you think your kids don’t notice how bad things are, think again.
My divorce mediator once told me that children are like the doormen of your building; they hear and see everything.
No matter what we think we’re hiding from them, children feel the tension, contempt, and distance between you and your spouse.
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No matter what we think we’re hiding from them, children feel the tension, contempt, and distance between you and your spouse. You’re not fooling them, so don’t stay ‘for the kids’ if you believe it’s the best thing for their emotional health.
I stayed married for 23 years, because I didn’t want my kids to suffer.
I wanted them to have the best chance at a healthy emotional life. I wanted them to go on and have lasting loving romantic relationships. A divorce lawyer friend advised me to wait until my youngest graduated high school before leaving my husband. She warned me that the problems we had in our marriage would get much worse if we split.
She had seen the worst of the worst custody cases, where children were pawns between warring parents.
She didn’t want that to happen to me. I understand that she was trying to protect my kids and me. But in my case, it was bad advice. It would have meant staying married for another 12 years. And my marriage had become unbearable. After many years of therapy, we just couldn’t make it work. I had lost myself, giving up so much of what was important to me to try and keep the peace.
The cost of staying had become too high.
When we told the kids we were divorcing, they cried, but they immediately understood. My oldest daughter, who was 16 at the time, said through her tears that first night,
Mom, I’m being selfish right now. I’m really sad that you’re divorcing, but I know how unhappy you are. This is the right thing for you to do.
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“Mom, I’m being selfish right now. I’m really sad that you’re divorcing, but I know how unhappy you are. This is the right thing for you to do.”
My biggest fear—that my kids would fall apart and not forge healthy romantic relationships—didn’t come true.
In fact, my kids are doing better than I could have imagined. Our relationship has never been better. Here’s how I helped my kids go on to have the best possible lives after divorce.
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How to Help Children of Divorce Have Amazing Romantic Relationships
- Model healthy relationship skills, such as compassionate communication, deep listening, giving with an open heart, and setting clear and loving boundaries.
- Keep the conversation open and ongoing so they feel safe to voice their questions and concerns about the divorce, about your dating life, and about their own when they’re ready to date.
I didn’t date for the first two years following divorce, because I wanted to make sure they were okay before jumping into a new relationship.
Before I started dating, I sat my kids down and made them a promise. I would never introduce them to anyone unless it was serious.
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Then, before I started dating, I sat my kids down and made them a promise. I would never introduce them to anyone unless it was serious. I’ve kept to that promise, and they’re grateful that they haven’t had to witness a revolving door of dates coming through my life or theirs.
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My kids are in healthy relationships
I’m most proud that my kids have healthy relationship skills to do so much better than I did at their ages. I am grateful that so far, they have made excellent choices in romantic partners.
My oldest daughter has been married five-and-a-half-years. She and her husband have excellent communication skills, and they’re able to work out their differences with ease. They are very much in love and are terrific parents to my delicious almost two-year-old granddaughter. I’m very proud of them.
My youngest daughter is in a fantastic relationship. Her boyfriend adores her and treats her with respect. He inspires her to be her best, and I’ve never seen her work so hard in college. She’s made the dean’s list two semesters in a row, after struggling in high school.
When she got sick with pneumonia at the end of her first semester and had to leave school a week early, he packed up her stuff and traveled an hour-and-a-half to bring it to her. I can see the sweet concern and care they have for one another, and I’m so happy for them.
My son isn’t in a relationship right now, but when he does find the right woman, she will be a lucky girl. He is sensitive, kind, and has a very generous heart and soul. He is willing to talk out differences, and he truly cares about his friends’ well being. I’m not worried about his romantic future at all.
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In the video below, I share tips on what we can teach children of divorce so they make good decisions in picking a mate. I’d love to hear what you think about how we can teach our kids the skills they need to make better choices in their romantic relationships.
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Photo: Flickr/JLStricklin
@Brooke,
Children of messy divorces can struggle with developing healthy lasting relationships. A good therapist or coach can help you uncover what’s at the root of the problem—usually childhood wounds and trying to repair them through a significant other. When you heal within, you no longer have the need to heal your issues with your parents through a romantic relationship. You will naturally choose men who value you as you grow in valuing yourself more.
As a child of a messy divorce, I’ve spent many years reconditioning conditioning. Non-toxic romance is what I desire but I’ve never experienced it, only the opposite. It’s made me rather pessimistic because of the fear surrounding the past repeating itself. It’s very conflicting to want what one so deeply fears. Sometimes it’s hard to keep the faith and be positive.