The value of male friendships can’t be overstated. Their bonds often transcend time, distance, and circumstances.
Call him your buddy, bestie, or brother-from-another-mother, or knucklehead, but however you refer to him, his friendship offers support, laughter, and shared experiences. And these things are crucial to mental health and satisfaction in life.
Yet even the strongest friendships can be tested when good friends make bad choices.
Whether it’s a poor decision that puts their well-being at risk, or a moral lapse that leaves you questioning their judgment, dealing with such a situation can be challenging.
When you see a friend making bad decisions, how do you handle it?
Do you,
- Advise them?
- Support them?
- Figure you’ll just be there to help them pick up the pieces later on?
And what if you do step in and try to prevent them from making a bad choice? Will that damage the friendship? Will they resent you, or thank you later?
It’s a tough spot to find yourself. Knowing if, when, and how to intervene can be a test of faith in your relationship and requires some forethought.
How do you even know where to begin?
Taking a three-phased approach to dealing with your wayward buddy is your best bet.
Note: While I’m referring to male friendships, the same approach can be used in female friendships and in friendships between genders.
First, Understand the Why
Before jumping in and saying anything, it’s essential to understand your friend’s mindset and reasoning propelling him to make his choices.
People make mistakes for various reasons, and most of the time they believe that the choice they’re making is justified. It’s rare that someone thinks, “Oh, that’s a horribly self-destructive idea that will have a ruinous outcome – I should do it!”
So, understanding why he’s making what you think is a bad decision can help you determine where you fit in and what response will be most impactful.
A few of the most common reasons for poor decisions are:
- Peer pressure.
Peers exert significant influence on each other. It’s possible he’s succumbed to pressure from other friends, social groups, or media influence, that have lead him to make choices he wouldn’t typically make.
So, take a look at his circumstances and ask yourself,
- Is he trying to fit in? Get attention?
- Are there negative influences in his life?
- Does he have unhealthy desires being driven by something he sees?
2. Stress and personal struggles.
Life can be challenging and everyone faces difficult periods. He might be dealing with personal problems, stress, or emotional turmoil that’s clouded his judgment.
Look closely at what he’s been dealing with lately.
- Is he having trouble in his personal or professional life?
- Is there undue pressure on him at work, school, or family?
- Has there been any significant change in his life, either positive or negative?
Any of these things can influence a person to act erratically and make questionable choices.
3. Lack of information.
Sometimes, people make bad choices because they lack the necessary information or awareness about the potential consequences. Ignorance leads to poor decision-making.
So, determining if your buddy really understands his choices and the repercussions can guide your response.
4. Impulsivity.
Some people are naturally impulsive, acting without fully considering the repercussions of their decisions. This impulsivity can lead to poor choices.
Knowing if his choices are impulsive means knowing him well enough to have seen these patterns in the past.
5. Addiction or substance abuse.
Addictions have serious consequences and typically lead to a series of bad choices. While some addictions can have more dire outcomes than others, anything being abused can impede good judgment.
If your friend is struggling with any kind of addiction, he may need professional help and support to overcome it.
A note about addiction and substance abuse: Most people with an addiction or substance abuse problem don’t advertise it. Even the closest friend may be unaware of an addiction in someone they care about. If you’re seeing a pattern of questionable, erratic behavior, you may need to start looking more closely at what you’re seeing for signs of possible addiction or abuse.
After you’ve evaluated possible motivations for a friend’s poor choices, you can move on to phase two.
Second, Choose How to Handle the Situation
When you feel you’ve gained insight into why he’s been making bad choices, you can determine how you want to address the situation constructively.
The most effective approach will be to,
- Begin a dialogue.
Allow me to repeat – begin a dialogue – not a confrontation. As mentioned earlier, most people feel like the decisions they make are justified. Coming at him aggressively will only make him defensive and lead him to dismiss your concerns.
So, approach him with empathy and non-judgmental communication. Express your concern about the decisions he’s been making and your desire to understand his perspective.
Even if you think you know why he’s doing what he’s doing, getting him to articulate the reasons behind his behavior and explain his thinking can act as a starting point for positive change.
2. Explain your concerns.
After the conversation has been initiated and he’s explained his thinking, it’s your turn to share your concerns.
This should be done in caring terms that reflect your desire for his well-being. Ways to begin this part of the conversation are,
- “Have you thought about…”
- “My concern is…”
- “It seems like the consequences could be…”
- “From my perspective…”
- “Because I want what’s best for you…”
- “Let’s look at this from a different angle…”
3. Avoid blame.
While it’s natural to feel disappointed or angry when you see someone you care about making a bad choice, avoiding using blaming language or disparaging remarks is crucial.
Saying,
- “That’s dumb.”
- “You’re an idiot.”
- “You’re being stupid.”
Or similar things can cause him to shut down and withdraw. Instead, focus on the behavior and its consequences.
4. Encourage reflection.
Help him walk through his process for arriving at his choice. This will require him to explain how a bad choice makes sense and allows you to find out whether he’s considered the ultimate consequences.
Sometimes taking a step back and looking at things from the 20-thousand-foot perspective can help people see why their choices may lead down a bad path.
- Offer support.
Let him know you’re there for him no matter what and offer assistance in finding solutions to the problems caused by his choices.
- Suggest and help him find professional help.
At times, problems are too big for a buddy to handle. If his bad choices stem from deeper issues, such as addiction or mental health problems, encourage him to seek professional help.
Offering to assist him in finding resources and support can take the weight off his shoulders and help give him the start he needs.
- Set boundaries.
Occasionally there comes a point, no matter how close a friend he is, when you need to put yourself first.
Don’t be afraid of tough love if it’s what’s needed.
If his actions pose a risk to your well-being or values, consider setting boundaries to protect yourself. You may even need to distance yourself temporarily until he’s capable of making better choices. Although this can be hard, it’s a form of tough love that can end up helping him.
Understand that these steps often happen in stages. Helping a good friend walk back bad decisions can take some time. So, this conversation may occur in parts or need to be revisited.
Once had, however, you’re able to move to the hardest phase.
Third, Finding Patience
This can be the most challenging phase for someone watching a person they care about struggle with poor choices.
Changing behavior and making better choices takes time, so you’ll need to be patient with him.
The amount of time it takes to right the ship after a bad choice can vary wildly. It really depends on the gravity of the choice.
A flawed approach to a work presentation might blow over quickly. In contrast, a toxic romantic relationship, affair, or substance abuse are far different situations and can take some time to resolve.
The important part is not giving up. However, that doesn’t mean ignoring or indulging them, nor does it preclude using tough love when necessary.
Good friends making bad choices can be a difficult and emotionally draining experience.
But everyone makes mistakes, and your friendship can be an important source of strength and support as he learns and recovers from his. Empathy, communication, and a commitment to helping him, will help you navigate these challenges and, in many cases, even strengthen your bond.
https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/using-tough-love-when-you-cant-avoid-hurting-someone
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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