I’m in Love With a Married Redneck

A man asks Eli and Josie for help in keeping the attention of his married girlfriend.

Dear Sexes: I’m seeing a married woman and we love each other but with that I have a lot of doubts. First we are the complete opposite in everyway. She is a redneck, country, loves mud, trucks, country, boots and all that and I’m preppy: cars, clean dressing, computers, games, rap, everything she doesnt like and the even more odd thing is unlike most woman she isn’t very affectionate like most girls and im the opposite and I’m very affectionate, sensative, and all that. I’m afraid I wont keep her attention.

She Said: Okay, let’s backtrack. You’re seeing a married woman? I’m not going to get on a high horse and chastise you or call you bad. But I am going to say this: If she’s married, then rest of the problems you listed are nearly irrelevant. You’ve got a huge obstacle in front of you before you even decide to be together.

First, are you okay with being a part of the woman you love breaking her vows to someone she committed to? Regardless of the state of their marriage, for many (if not most) people, breaking marital vows is something that does psychic damage. Certainly, sometimes people aren’t in love anymore. Sometimes it’s time to move on. Sometimes you fall in love when you shouldn’t.

But that doesn’t mean that you have to make the choice to encourage the affair. With your healthiest and happiest self in mind, as well, you have to remember that as much as you think you know her, you don’t know what life will be like when she’s no longer married and 100% with you.

I think the smartest course of action right now would be for you to take some steps back from this relationship, and let her know that you’d like to give it a go when she’s free of any ties.

The best advice on this subject that I’ve ever read is from our friend Hugo Schwyzer, who said, “Love means helping other people keep their promises.” You should read this article, and try to suss out the best future for yourself.

He Said: So you’re worried you won’t keep her attention? And you have some doubts? Fair enough. But the reason you might not keep her attention may have nothing to do with you being total opposites. Instead, it’ll probably be because of that small, minute detail that she’s a married woman. I mean no disrespect, but you’re putting the cart WAY before the horse.

What’s her definition of marriage? Does it include monogamy? What about her spouse’s definition of marriage? Maybe these are bumps you’ve already smoothed out—between you, your married girlfriend, and her spouse. That would include open and honest communication between all parties involved. If you’ve already taken care of those discussions, then proceed. And you can turn your attention to worrying about the future struggles/hurdles of the preppy and the redneck. If you haven’t handled these communication responsibilities, you may want to pump the brakes and buckle up – it’s gonna be a bumpy ride ahead.

Or better yet, if the two of you love each other, as you say, then perhaps you should consider waiting for her to resolve/dissolve/officially end her own marriage, before proceeding with this relationship. I don’t know all the details, but it seems likely there are a bunch of loose ends floating around here (you don’t want them to trip you up, right?). When starting a new relationship, I think it’s a good idea to NOT be running from another (past or fading) relationship. You don’t need to stop all contact with each other. But you should probably take a big step back. Let her know how much you care about her, and as a result, you want her be able to get closure with her current spouse, before the two of you proceed.

Great things are worth waiting for. Yes, you have a tremendous desire for this woman, but there’s no need to steal her away. Let her finish things on her own terms. Then the two of you can move forward (together) without having to worry about tripping up on a bunch of loose ends.

 

Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here!

Originally published at She Said He Said

 

Photo courtesy of Flickr/p r o m i s e

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About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.

Comments

  1. courage the cowardly dog says:

    If the object of your affections is a married redneck woman chancese are her husband is a redneck too. The personaility difference you point out are the least of your worries. If her husband is a redneck, like she is, and chances are he is, he owns several high powered firearms including a couple of sawed off shot guns which he unhesitatingly will shove down your mouth and unload both barrels through the back of your head and everyone will wonder what went through your mind, other than a lof ot buck shot, to consider having an affair with such a woman so situated. My advice to you is pass. Your life is not worth it no matter what you feel. You don’t want to find out what they mean by Deliverance.

  2. ^ shouldnt he be shooting his wife first?

  3. What, when you tell someone that he’s nuts for screwing around with a married woman, you’re chastising? NOT. Tell it like it is. She’s married, end of story. He’s a slime if he continued to go out with her when he found out she’s married. End of story.

    Would either of you be so polite if someone was screwing around with your spouse? I think not. So tell it like it is. There are plenty of unmarried women out there … move on.

    And to the guy that’s struggling with this situation. In my book he’s a sorry excuse for a “man.”

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Honestly, I think infidelity is incredibly complicated and Eli and I are obligated within our column to tend to the question being offered. In this case, I did question whether or not he should be encouraging someone he claims to love to break vows.

      Beyond that, judging him as a slime and dismissing him entirely doesn’t get anyone anywhere. It certainly doesn’t help anyone see the error of their ways. They just think, “That person doesn’t get it. I love her. If I love her, it must be okay.”

      We want him to see that ultimately, this is NOT a way to start a relationship.

  4. wellokaythen says:

    Obviously the letter writer is putting ethical considerations aside, and I don’t have any moral high ground to get all moralistic. I don’t think he’s really going to listen to moral persuasion, so I wouldn’t waste my time anyway.

    Let’s look at this as a practical question. The reality is he’s put himself in a position where he’s not going to get what he wants anytime soon, probably not ever. We don’t have to call them any names to ask, realistically, how can he really ever trust her, knowing that she cheated in her previous relationship. Mr. Letter Writer, if you could get her to promise you more of herself, how would you ever be able to believe that promise?

    She is probably a little distant sometimes and not very affectionate because, well, there’s that whole “married” thing in the way. You know, if she’s living with her husband and keeping up appearances and maybe still loves him a little bit, I can imagine she’s stretched a little thin when it comes to being with you. She may in fact be somewhat divided between the two of you. You want her to give you more when she already promised to give a lot to someone else. I don’t say that as a moral judgment, it’s just a fact.

    Yes, you two are very different. That is a very valid cause for concern. I’m assuming you, Mr. Letter Writer, are not married, but either way the key difference is not that she’s a redneck and you aren’t, but that you’re available for a full relationship and she is not.

    • wellokaythen says:

      In short, you’re rightly afraid you won’t keep her attention, because you don’t HAVE her attention!

      • wellokaythen says:

        Can’t stop, on a roll….

        You’re playing with dynamite and wondering if it’s going to mess up your hair. I would draw your attention to thegiant, angry elephant in the middle of the room instead of wondering what’s behind the door.

  5. I stand corrected. He is not a slime, what he’s doing is slimy. I think we live in a society where we’ve moved away from being up front with people. We walk on egg shells so as to not offend, regardless what their behavior is. Although we live in a society with a lot of gray, there are some things that are black and white …. Things like infidelity.

    I feel for the guy but it is what it is. This guy isn’t the first or the last to be in this situation.

    You’re also only hearing his side of the story. What if she says she doesn’t want to take it any further but he remains madly in love and continues to pursue her? In the legal world it’s called stalking.

    Chances are pretty good that this guy has consulted with many people and is simply looking for the answer he wants to hear.

    Having never been in that kind of situation I can’t say a lot but what I can say is that I doubt any of those relationships turn out well. Personally, I would always wonder in my head if she would cheat on her husband, what’s to say she wouldn’t cheat on me.

    I’d be curious to know the psyche of stalkers … is this guy a potential stalker? But by all means, don’t offend him, wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings.

  6. And what about the husband? Just curious what ya’ll would tell him. Would you write what you did if he was sitting next to you? But that’s how I’m different, being clear about the situation, there is no way any of them can blame me for feeling how I do. I’m showing total empathy for all by not leaving any door open for further harm. As it is, a lot of damage has already been done and I hope it can be worked out for the married couple. If she was worth her weight, she’d be honest with her husband and move on to pull their marriage together.

    But then again who is this husband. From what I read and hear from a lot of wives, he may one of those guys that women complain about, who doesn’t pull his own weight around the house, or doesn’t give her what she “needs.”

    It’s sad that the onus was on the guy who was involved with a cheating wife and not the poor guy that hasn’t a clue and is simply waiting to be blindsided.

  7. I would just keep the answer simple. You’re afraid you won’t keep her attention. She has obviously not left her husband for you yet. She obviously is cheating on her husband. I would say neither of you are keeping her attention.

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