A man asks Eli and Josie for help in keeping the attention of his married girlfriend.
Dear Sexes: I’m seeing a married woman and we love each other but with that I have a lot of doubts. First we are the complete opposite in everyway. She is a redneck, country, loves mud, trucks, country, boots and all that and I’m preppy: cars, clean dressing, computers, games, rap, everything she doesnt like and the even more odd thing is unlike most woman she isn’t very affectionate like most girls and im the opposite and I’m very affectionate, sensative, and all that. I’m afraid I wont keep her attention.
She Said: Okay, let’s backtrack. You’re seeing a married woman? I’m not going to get on a high horse and chastise you or call you bad. But I am going to say this: If she’s married, then rest of the problems you listed are nearly irrelevant. You’ve got a huge obstacle in front of you before you even decide to be together.
First, are you okay with being a part of the woman you love breaking her vows to someone she committed to? Regardless of the state of their marriage, for many (if not most) people, breaking marital vows is something that does psychic damage. Certainly, sometimes people aren’t in love anymore. Sometimes it’s time to move on. Sometimes you fall in love when you shouldn’t.
But that doesn’t mean that you have to make the choice to encourage the affair. With your healthiest and happiest self in mind, as well, you have to remember that as much as you think you know her, you don’t know what life will be like when she’s no longer married and 100% with you.
I think the smartest course of action right now would be for you to take some steps back from this relationship, and let her know that you’d like to give it a go when she’s free of any ties.
The best advice on this subject that I’ve ever read is from our friend Hugo Schwyzer, who said, “Love means helping other people keep their promises.” You should read this article, and try to suss out the best future for yourself.
He Said: So you’re worried you won’t keep her attention? And you have some doubts? Fair enough. But the reason you might not keep her attention may have nothing to do with you being total opposites. Instead, it’ll probably be because of that small, minute detail that she’s a married woman. I mean no disrespect, but you’re putting the cart WAY before the horse.
What’s her definition of marriage? Does it include monogamy? What about her spouse’s definition of marriage? Maybe these are bumps you’ve already smoothed out—between you, your married girlfriend, and her spouse. That would include open and honest communication between all parties involved. If you’ve already taken care of those discussions, then proceed. And you can turn your attention to worrying about the future struggles/hurdles of the preppy and the redneck. If you haven’t handled these communication responsibilities, you may want to pump the brakes and buckle up – it’s gonna be a bumpy ride ahead.
Or better yet, if the two of you love each other, as you say, then perhaps you should consider waiting for her to resolve/dissolve/officially end her own marriage, before proceeding with this relationship. I don’t know all the details, but it seems likely there are a bunch of loose ends floating around here (you don’t want them to trip you up, right?). When starting a new relationship, I think it’s a good idea to NOT be running from another (past or fading) relationship. You don’t need to stop all contact with each other. But you should probably take a big step back. Let her know how much you care about her, and as a result, you want her be able to get closure with her current spouse, before the two of you proceed.
Great things are worth waiting for. Yes, you have a tremendous desire for this woman, but there’s no need to steal her away. Let her finish things on her own terms. Then the two of you can move forward (together) without having to worry about tripping up on a bunch of loose ends.
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Originally published at She Said He Said
Photo courtesy of Flickr/p r o m i s e