“So after ten years, I think I’m finally learning how to listen to my wife. I mean listen. Really listen. I’m humbled at the possibility of turning a corner here.”
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Each year I think I have it–I think i know how to listen to my wife. But, as a man, trained in the art of “listening,” my knee-jerk reaction is to follow my agenda and where I want the conversation to go, where I want her to go, what I want her to see and do, and how awesome I am for helping her. I love to problem solve and help her have a breakthrough. None of which helps. Doah!
Disclaimer 1: I’m only talking about myself and my experience. I hope that she can write a response to my post at some point as it may be helpful to hear her take. Honey?
Disclaimer 2: I’m a typical guy. My default listening stetting is this: I’m listening from my mind. I like to Fix, problem solve, offer solutions and offer bright ideas to make it all better. This runs deep in me and most men. It’s interesting to note that I get paid to listen in my profession.
Disclaimer 3: I’m still learning.
Disclaimer 4: This is intended to help those of you who are in long-term partnerships. Conventional marriage is where people think they know each other over time, but really those people just get lazy and put each other in boxes. The more I do this dance with my wife, the less I know her. Thus, the more crucial it is to listen even deeper.
So after ten years, I think I’m finally learning how to listen to my wife. I mean listen. Really listen. I’m humbled at the possibility of turning a corner here.
I posted the above sentence on facebook recently and got a huge response. Many wondered how I did it and what I’m learning, hence this post.
For me, listening is an art. And, listening, or my ability to listen has gone through different phases in our relationship. I consider myself an exceptional listener and I get paid well to do it. However, listening to the same person for years and years, is a different story.
For example, when we first met and during our first few years, I was deeply into understanding her, so my desire was there. Who was this person? So much to explore!
As we deepened and triggered each other constantly, we slowly found our way to work through stuff and hear each other. We were both psychotherapists, so we had tons of listening skills yet often over-analyzed each fight. We also had the “normal” challenges that impacted my ability to listen. For example, when I’m triggered into my own stuff, it’s really hard to listen and understand her, let alone be interested.
Prior to marriage, I had one foot in and one foot out. This resulted in a few breaks ups, which shook our foundation each time. Thus, there was a part of me that wasn’t fully invested in knowing her. Of course, that showed up energetically. If I have fears that keep me from being two feet in, obviously my desire and capacity to listen will be compromised.
After we had kids I saw her in a whole new way. Wow. New aspects of her emerged and I was blown away. Yet my listening came and went. Slowly I started to lose sleep. So did she. The gauntlet of having babies changed everything. We both began to change in a number of ways. We dialed in our team effort it takes to raise two kids. It is very much just like running a business. And we rocked it and are still doing an exceptional job raising our kids both individually and together. However, as sleep issues wore on, I became less available to her. My desire to “listen” was compromised again and I became more complacent.
But now we are entering a new phase of our relationship. Now, as our kids get older we have more space to turn toward each other and find each other again. I’m inspired to take our connection to the next level on my side. I want to go deeper. So, I’ll need to face whatever is in the way.
And, the other night I had a breakthrough of sorts, which prompted this post. I simply dropped my agenda and really joined with her. My heart was there. I rode the waves as she shared more and more with me. With each step, I could tell she opened more. I found myself becoming even more present, more aware, and more available. She seemed to soften and open, soften and open. Some kind of synergy was happening with us. I kept noticing the classic fixer/problem solver come up, and I kept letting it go.
We both agreed later on how good it felt for both of us. A lightbulb went on and I got her in a new way. I got my pathway into her world in a new way. Since that day, I’ve fallen into my go-to default old way many times. But I’ve also found a little traction in the new way. It’s practice. I’m learning.
So, if you are a dude (or a woman) who wants to learn how to listen in a deeper way over the long haul, here’s a few pointers based on what I’m learning.
You’ll need to put a few things in place.
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1. Reframe listening- First, let’s reframe this whole listening business, mostly because many people think they listen well and most are missing the point. Instead of “listening,” I like to use the term “getting her world” that I learned years ago from Guy Sengstock. Getting her world means I’m invested in knowing all of her and deeply understanding who she is and what makes her tick. When she feels “gotten” by me, she feels seen, understood and known by me. New things can happen from this place. So, learn to “get her world.” And, getting her world is a very active process.
2. Self-connection. This seems to be the foundation. The more I’m connected to me, my body, and my heart, the more available I am to her and to really hearing her. When I’m disconnected, I’m less and less available to her, my kids, my friends and then life tends to feel drab and dull. If I’m not connected to me, I can’t connect to her.
3. Heart Desire—Desire is my genuine interest in knowing her. My heart has to be online first, then “care” and interest naturally follow. Sure, desire comes and goes, but when desire is there, my capacity and interest to listen is directly reflected and she feels like I’m “with her.” Most folks listen with the mind only. Adding the heart takes listening to the next level.
4. Cultivate your other senses- When I’m really deeply listening to her, I’m using other senses. My body, my intuition, my gut, my toes, my hands. More is going on than I can imagine. Feel yourself and her as you listen.
5. Use your co-dependency to your advantage. A lot of men are way more sensitive and tuned into their woman than they think. This is annoying when a man can’t learn to capitalize on his sensitivity and he’s just neurotically tracking her like a hurt boy. If you are going to be tracking her that much, then learn to track her in a non-hurt little boy-hypervigilant kind of way. Instead, use your sensitivity to your advantage and really hear her.
6. Get skills—I have plenty, but when used without the other suggestions, they are exceedingly limited. Get some skills. Learn how to get her world, validate and share impact (all of which I cover in my classes).
7. Drop your agenda. If you are a man, this will be hard. Let go of where you think it’s going and what you want for her. Problem solving isn’t what she wants, unless she asks you directly for that.
8. Be okay with any emotion. If you struggle to be with strong emotion, this will be hard. So, you’ll need to get comfortable with yourself and your inner terrain. You’ll also need to move toward what’s uncomfortable. I learned this one early in my career as a psychotherapist. I will unconsciously block someone from where they want to go if I’m “scared” to go there in myself. Likewise, women who feel their man shut down, check out, or get uncomfortable with their full range will retract, not share, shut down, and trust you less over time.
9. Clear out baggage with “the feminine” or mom. Many men struggle to really listen to their woman because they are still angry at Mom, x-girlfriends, etc. It’s often buried under denial, but it’s probably in there.
10. See your relationship with her as a path to know yourself more clearly. The more you clear out your baggage, the more you can see others for who they actually are.
11. Not taking her for granted. When we live with someone day in and day out for many many years, I’m seeing that I can take my wife for granted. That’s painful to see, but it’s true. It happens. So, if you are in a long-term partnership, you are at greater risk of this one. Staying inspired and in your heart is the way to avoid this one.
12. Check in and get feedback. Does she feel heard, understood and known by me? If not, I’m not getting her no matter how hard I try. Just ask. Trust her answer and go back and try again.
13. Remember that she is an ocean. Her depths will never truly be explored in this lifetime, so I can relax, knowing that she is truly a mystery. Settle in and plan on never fully knowing her. Be an explorer of a never-ending Universe. How exciting!
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When we humans feel heard, we soften, we relax. We come out of fight/flight/freeze. We feel safe. We open. We are now available for love, sex, and deeper layers of relating and connecting.
There’s so many layers to listening to her. The more I’m truly there with all of my being, the more her flower petals open. When she opens like a flower, my love grows and my heart expands.
What a beautiful and fascinating ride we are on.
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Originally appeared at JaysonGaddis.com
This guy thinks having hour(s)-long arguments with an angry, demeaning woman is all part of an “evolved” marriage. Seriously. Go through his videos. It’s insanity packaged as “evolution.” He offers some good advice, but on a toxic ideological foundation. Hey, if you want to learn how to adapt and be an accomodating weenie in a toxic crapstorm of a relationship, he’s your guy. You can, of course, choose BETTER, but that might mean saying and believing things that offend your little circle – like “women who fight a lot in relationships are very poor partners and you should respect yourself… Read more »
What timing! We have been trying to understand exactly this dynamic in our relationship! I have (perhaps clumsily) tried to explain how his, apparent, total lack of interest in discussing the important issues makes me feel so utterly uncared for and unloved! Yet, he desperately wants to stay in a relationship with me. And you are right! I have closed down in many, many ways, and he cannot understand why! I have considered leaving the relationship for this very reason. He did read your article. He then sent a copy to his email address so he can re-read it. He… Read more »
I thought listening is a two way act in which both parties are expected to pay attention and listen to each other clearly without this ideologically biased concentration on what men have to do , after all exchanging ideas and point of views does not mean the man ( males ) in general getting their way in every discussion to find a solution , an honest fair we’ll balanced human being ( male or female ) should be be able to admit the truth when they are right or wrong or be humble and admit that they don’t know enough… Read more »
These are great tips to get us thinking about how we interact with others, and how that interaction factors into how well those relationships work for us.
Listening is an art form, as is the manner in which we communicate out thoughts, feelings, and ideas…
Thanks for the time and thought of this post!
The last 2 big arguments with my spouse were about this very subject. I want to talk and be heard, and he wants to fix. I tried to explain that I just needed him to listen and hear my frustrations because ultimately I just needed to talk though it with someone I love and trust, but in saying this to him he heard “I don’t want/need you to fix this” and he was incredibly hurt and shut down from me. This article helped me understand the dynamics of men and women even more. Helpful was an understatement!
Another writeup telling men all of the things they have to improve on to make women happy. What can women do to make us men happy? Well nothing, just sit there and look pretty i guess, cause men’s needs don’t matter.
Please do remember that this is a magazine devoted to speaking to and about men – an article telling women how to make men happy would make no sense here. NOt because we don’t want to make men happy, but because this isn’t about talking to women.
Perfectly spoken. You get it. Thanks for not turning this into a discussion about how complicated women are. Truly listening is a lot easier than most men (or most people) think. 🙂 All it takes is genuine interest in the person. Kudos for a great thorough article!
thank you so much for writing this amazing and truly revolutionary information. for so long, i’ve been through relationships never knowing how to word this for my boyfriends to understand. i’m actually sitting at home reading this after my boyfriend walked out on me because he was annoyed of me trying to talk with him about the way he ignores me. he has no desire to spend time with me anymore, and sleeps during the day. i’m tired of not being listened to and that makes any woman angry. being hurt is shown through anger, although there is a difference… Read more »
Jayson,
Thanks for this.
But can you write one for women?
How should I really listen to my husband? What are a mans needs?
I think some if what you write here applies to both genders as well.
Awesome response, realising that it is to people giving in relationship that creates success. Great book out there by Mark Goulston , Just Listen. Fantastic.
Mate, thank you for writing this. Inspirational stuff.
I like what you said about letting go of the “hurt little boy” (well, I didn’t like what you said, as a therapist you know how painful the truth can be) as this is something that has been preventing me from being present with women. So, thank you again for this precious insight.
I wish you the best.
“It’s interesting to note that I get paid to listen in my profession.” And there it is… Listening is an act of SUBMISSION. Men LOATHE submission, ESPECIALLY to women. By being paid, you are no longer submitting to another person but working for YOUR paycheck. Being PAID to do something removes the SUBSURVIENT label – which is why men have no problem listening to others problems, to cook for others, to pick up after others.. they are not SERVING others as long as they are getting a paycheck to do so. The problem arises when they are expected to do… Read more »
With all respect I’m calling out this response as broadly generalized BS. The article was a well articulated piece on one man’s journey. Your comment smells like an indictment of all men based on your own experience.
With all due, respect I’m calling out this pretty harsh response as broadly generalized nonsense. I thought the article was a well articulated piece on one man’s journey. Your comment smells like an indictment of all men based on your own experience. Good communication requires two way participation and a power imbalance isn’t a prerequisite, its more often a barrier.
Thank you. Really positive article and enjoyed it very much. Love what you wrote about her being an ocean. Yes.