Jackson Bliss explains why these five relationship mistakes will destroy your chance at a happy, healthy partnership.
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1. THE AMBIGUOUSLY OR CONVENIENTLY UNDEFINED RELATIONSHIP THAT ONLY BENEFITS YOU: You’re afraid to put a label on what you are. Maybe you just got out of a 10-round, knuckle-down, bruiser of a relationship. Maybe you or your partner has major commitment issues or a history of cheating. Maybe you’re not looking for a relationship and you sense that s/he is. At some point, though, this relationship becomes a black eye because one of you starts to have feelings and that inequality creates instability, power issues and insecurity in the relationship. Because you’re trying not to appear needy or pathetic, or because you remember the last story s/he told you about a psychopathic ex and a boiled bunny, you try as hard as you can to play it cool. Except it’s not working anymore and you (or your partner) are silently hurt that the other person doesn’t want more from the relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s impossible. It doesn’t even matter if the two of you would make a shitty couple. It starts to gnaw at one of you that s/he is fine living in a world without boundaries or expectations. In theory, hooking up without boundaries or definitions makes so much sense. But when one of you is not cool with the situation anymore, then neither of you can pretend the relationship is working anymore.
2. THE DIRTY LITTLE SECRET IN YOUR BOOKMARK: You like porn. No shame in that. In a healthy relationship, there’s enough room for sex, intimacy and fantasy (just as long as the porn you’re watching isn’t degrading, abusive or objectifying). Besides, sometimes watching porn helps you take care of your sexual needs without projecting them on to your partner. And that’s probably a good thing in moderation. But if you retreat more and more into your X-rated world when you don’t get your way, or because you’re trying to get away from your partner psychologically, that’s a problem. Soon, you start watching so much porn that the images bleed together and burn inside your brain. You start superimposing a pornographic template onto reality, or you only get aroused when you’re on the computer. You start to feel like shit about yourself because your hands are always down your pants. The problem isn’t masturbation. It doesn’t even have to be porn. It’s the way you’re using porn to punish your partner for not being a porn star. It’s when you can’t separate (phallocentric) fantasy from a shared reality. It’s the way you expect her/him to be a porn star. It’s the way you try to act like a porn star even though s/he doesn’t share the same fantasy. It’s the way you close yourself down to human intimacy by making your own sexual needs more important than the relationship itself. That’s on you.
3. CONFLATING FAMILIARITY WITH ENNUI AND ATTRACTION WITH COMPATIBILITY: You walk past an attractive girl in the street who twinkles her eyes at you. Or one of your classmates (or coworkers) gives you flirty eyes when you talk with him. It makes you feel young (again). It makes you feel sexy. It makes you feel like you’ve still got it, whatever the hell it is. Eventually, you fantasize about that person just a tiny bit. Everything up until this point is fine because fantasies are pretty normal. But then you do this: you start finding faults in all the things in the relationship you once loved. You start feeling oppressed by your partner. You start telling your friends that you’re bored (to set up the moral infrastructure for your infidelity in case you decide to fuck everything up). And sometimes, when you’re really being a selfish asshole, you cheat on your partner with the classmate or the coworker or the random stranger on the street because you can. Because s/he articulated her attraction to you without actually confessing anything. So for a while, you have sex with someone your body doesn’t know and feel invigorated. You start leading a double life. You begin lying regularly to partner #1. But then reality sets in, the sex starts to get old with the person who once eyefucked you innocently before. As it turns out, you’re not actually compatible with partner #2, you’re just attracted to temptation, you just missed being wanted by another person. Then, you start to have second thoughts. You wonder if you made a mistake (too late!). You basically just destroyed a relationship because you were curious, because you enjoyed the affection and the sexual invitation of another woman. Maybe, at the bottom of everything, you realize you’re really not in love with your first partner, but you went about it the wrong way by cheating on her. The rule is, the (wo)man you cheated with is never half as good as the (wo)man you cheated on. But now it’s too late and you have to start over again. Unless, of course, you’re too pathetic to be straight with your partner and tell her what really happened and why s/he wasn’t crazy after all. But that makes you an even bigger asshole than when you were just a cheater and a psychotic.
4. CRITICIZING OUR PARTNERS FOR NOT BEING THE PEOPLE WE THINK THEY SHOULD BE, EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE NEVER BEEN THAT WAY: People change. They change all the time. But some people are afraid of change and some don’t want to change (or know how). You don’t like it when your partner tries to change you and yet, you expect them to magically transform into a Brazilian supermodel (see #2), a rabid Colts fan, a ripped hunk of eye candy, a instantaneous brainiac, a defender of the peace, a sensitive hipster suddenly in touch with his/her emotions, a big spender, a porn star (#2), an instant Romeo (see #1), an emotional slam poet and a twerking nympho in the bedroom. Maybe, if you’re lucky, s/he will become the fantasy you’d always hoped for. But it’ll be on her terms, not yours. You don’t get to make that decision. You don’t get to encourage (read: bully) them into being something they’re not ready for, something they may never be at all. You’re not the bigshot director and s/he’s not the leading actress in your own movie either. If you wanna get down with Princess Leia, watch a damn George Lucas flick.
5. SETTLING FOR A SHITTY RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO LAZY TO FIND A BETTER ONE: At first, things are pleasant. But then you stop going on dates with your partner. Or the two of you sublimate all of your love and romance into your jobs, raising your kids, your dogs, anything besides actually working on your relationship. You don’t have real conversations anymore. You barely speak at dinner, and when you do, it’s about the food. You don’t go on vacations together at all, or you go separately. A quick, dry little peck replaces the sexual intimacy you once had. You hide in the den or the basement to evade and deny reality, not to establish safe space. The two of you drift away from each other. The love—if it was ever there—has been annihilated by bills, lay-offs, mortgage payments, baseball practice and bad TV sitcoms. Before you know it, you’re functioning on autopilot but you secretly hate your life. Eventually you say “fuck it” and stop fighting the good fight for yourself. The problem is, the expression “fuck it” isn’t an excuse for your sadness and self-loathing. If you’ve done everything you can to make your relationship work (and be honest with yourself, have you?), if you’ve given it everything you’ve got and you’re still unhappy, if your relationship is truly kaput, then don’t live in the bunker of an old war. Don’t sleep in the abandoned hotel of a relationship, especially when it makes you feel like an emasculated, unsexy piece of shit. You deserve more than that. And so does your partner. When you leave, or when s/he leaves, you give each other permission to find happiness again someplace else. Know when to go all in and when to let go, brother.
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5 Mistakes Men Make in Relationships:
1: Everything they do.
2. Everything they say.
I’ll let you figure the other three out for yourselves.
3. Everything they do not do. 4. Everything they do not say. 5. All the rest. Did I get it right? 😀 Thanks goodness for women it is only one mistake: 1. Not being a submissive slave with no dignity, opinions and free will who would love to be a blow-up doll (hot, extremely hot, hairless, thin with big boobs and butt and long hair wrapped in sexy lingerie) who lives to satisfy each of their owner’s sexual demands with no complaints and never asks for reciprocating as she knows female orgasms don’t matter and men should never care about… Read more »
3. Everything they do not do. 4. Everything they do not say. 5. All the rest. Did I get it right? 😀 Thanks goodness for women it is only one mistake: 1. Not being a submissive slave with no dignity, opinions and free will who would love to be a blow-up doll (hot, extremely hot, hairless, thin with big boobs and butt and long hair wrapped in sexy lingerie) who lives to satisfy each of their owner’s sexual demands with no complaints and never asks for reciprocating as she knows female orgasms don’t matter and men should never care about… Read more »
Hey Jackson! Thoughtful and powerful stuff here! I especially like the differentiation between ennui and familiarity. Knowing the difference means being able to make a choice. I want to note that there are three pathways to sexual completion: Fantasy – running a movie in your head Role Play – taking on a role and acting it out either in your head or with your partner Connection – to the person in the moment and to the physical experiences you’re having right now Each of these is normal and healthy. The healthiest among us can toggle between them, but most people… Read more »
So porn is okay as long as it’ “not degrading, abusive or objectifying”. And who gets to determine what is degrading, abusive and objectifying? How exactly is degrading, abusive and objectifying being defined? Why do we never want to talk about that part? Why does so much degrading, abusive and objectifying porn exist in the sphere of male heterosexual porn that we even have to qualify that to begin with? While I often find men ready to give positive affirmations to porn, very rarely are most men ready to discuss the nuances of degrading, abusive and objectifying sexually material and… Read more »
This tirade really ignores almost everything I’ve written. Like I’ve said ad nauseum before, in no way would I ever advocate watching degrading, abusive or violent porn. Never. Ever. I’ve been absolutely clear about that. Yes, of course you’re right that different people have different criteria of what’s degrading, abusive, objectifying. But on the other hand, you don’t get to decide what’s degrading porn on behalf of all men. I don’t either. I leave it to each person’s conscience to figure out + define degradation. So, to use your example, choking or spitting on a woman I find very degrading.… Read more »
That is fine and I agree people have their own thoughts about what is degrading or abuse/violent in general. But still we can talk in a general way, can’t we? Don’t we usually agree many ways women and men are portrayed in the media reinforce stereotypes and are degrading in some way for many or most people? That can and should be extended for all medias, including pornography. It seems like people nowadays are so scared of “sexual morality” (as if morality was a exclusively a bad thing) that they are afraid to question or criticize it. But that is… Read more »
@Luzy
❞ people (in my case is men) do not want to
feel confronted, so they prevent from anything that seems “confrontational” when dating
and expect “things to happen” with no real communication ❞
It sounds like they want to have all options, causal sex, short term relationship with sex and also open for something serious when they meet the ” right one “.
Maybe you can find the arenas ,the social circles where the men looking for only long term lifelong relationships move?
What about when it is just plain hard/ almost impossible to find someone that “clicks” and wants to be around for the long run? I am stuck with casual dating; where things end before they really start for a very long time now. I am kinda done with it. Not blaming men, nor myself for it. I know there are good men out there, but it isn’t that easy to find the one that fits my life puzzle.
Luzy, No, you’re right. It’s definitely not easy. Maybe I’ll write a short piece answering your question later on. For now, I guess I’d say that while you never wanna sabotage a relationship by revealing everything right away, at the same time, I think it’s also really important to correctly broadcast what you’re really about + what you’re looking for earlyish in the relationship, preferably before you get too involved emotionally but after you’ve become something. The wrong guy will say, “laters.” And the right guy will usually say, “Thank you for telling me what you want + what you’re… Read more »
Thanks Jackson; Being honest is what keeps me from not going further than a few dates. Something I have notice in the dating scene now, is that people (in my case is men) do not want to feel confronted, so they prevent from anything that seems “confrontational” when dating and expect “things to happen” with no real communication. Though I like the easy going approach of no pressure, it is important to state what are ones intentions and wants. I respect a man who tells me when he is not ready or that he is not looking for something serious… Read more »
I think you’re onto something about how many men seem to avoid confrontation. Many men feel bewildered about dating and about having conversations with women they’re dating, because a lot of men feel confused by the huge range of mixed messages they hear about what they’re supposed to do. So, many men feel extra cautious on a date, to the extent of avoiding anything that could lead to disagreement or tension. Men sometimes feel enormous pressure to only say the right things, and we hear horror story after horror story of a man on a date who put his foot… Read more »
Well written Steve….
#3: Brilliant observations…! And you get all the nuance…. and all the ambivalence…!
Thanks Leia, glad to hear you appreciated it.
As others have said, I think this list is largely gender-neutral (except probably #2). Otherwise they are pretty damned accurate scenarios most of us find ourselves in at least once.
Probably true, Jeff, but as I told another poster, even if men + women made the same 5 mistakes with the exact same frequency (they don’t in my opinion, by the way), I still would rather call men out on this because I expect more of all of us, which is part of believing in men. It’s easier to deal with one group of people at a time, I think.
I don’t know you. But you obviously know me. Aside from point 1, unfortunately I have been correctly pegged 2-5. And talk about tough love! This was incredibly weird to read as you articulated pretty much everything that has gone wrong/I’ve done wrong in my marriage. I’m not pissed because you’re stating this – I’m pissed because I’m such a self-absorbed idiot to think my ways have been somehow explainable. This is a mirror that is straightly telling me that they are Not. And I appreciate it. My marriage is done, too much burnt earth and issues to fix. And… Read more »
Obviouslywe’ve met,
Thank you. I hope this essay reminds all of us of some of the the things we do that can sabotage our relationships. I believe that if we’re mindful of these things + more self-aware of how our mind works, we’re more likely to catch ourselves before we screw something up. There’s hope for you. I wish you much luck with your next relationship.
Peace, Blessings,
-j1b
SETTLING FOR A SHITTY RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO LAZY TO FIND A BETTER ONE
Or because you think you don’t deserve a better one.
Or you think you won’t ever find a better one. The article assumes a well adjusted, confident man who will just go out and find one. I suppose there could be ignorance at least if you cannot recognize problems and find a path to recovery. If you think you do not deserve a better one, or that you cannot find a better one, chances are you are not happy with yourself and would not be truly happy with anyone (or they couldn’t be with you). In that case, being alone for a while, getting help, and finding self-worth from within… Read more »
Steve, mostly I feel that some men deep inside know things aren’t working in their relationship + they’re either unwilling or unable to take drastic action to save the relationship or leave. But for men who don’t know that things are fucked up, there’s probably a good chance they’re not as miserable either. But I’d like to believe that most men know on some level what’s really going on in their relationships, so #5 should apply to many men. But if they’re don’t know what’s going on or they don’t wanna know what’s going on, well, that becomes their problem… Read more »
Danny, that’s often the case too. I’ll be talking about that in my next piece, actually. You’re very psychic!
This entire presentation is absurd and sophomoric, aside from being a paltry attempt on the writer’s part to atone for transgressions he brings to all of his fundamentally flawed relationships with women. Just because you have an unhealthy relationship with porn, cheat on your chosen partner, and emotionally abuse women before, during, and after relationships doesn’t mean majority of men do as the title suggests. Playing the whole “I can’t help it, I’m a victim of a patriarchal society that causes me to do those things to easily abused women” card might work for junior-high kids and other embarrassing creatures… Read more »
Jacob, I’m sorry you feel that way, but your attempt at psychoanalyzing me is both odd, kinda insulting + also amazingly wrong. You don’t know anything about me, so don’t act like you do. For the record, I don’t have an unhealthy relationship with porn or women. I’m happily married + have never cheated on her. I’ve had many very positive relationships in my life. I certainly don’t emotionally abuse women (I’m not even sure where you’re getting that) + I have never + would never use patriarchy to justify anything. Where are getting that? I also take issue with… Read more »
Great work, regardless of gender.
Thanks, Katherine! I appreciate it!
I think these are all common enough to warrant a top 5 list, although the one about porn sounds like one of those alarmist screeds about how marijuana is a gateway drug to heroin. As for finding porn that’s not objectifying, I don’t know how you do that, unless the porn is a blank screen, in which case what’s the point? Isn’t every movie by definition an objectification? Number 5 is a bit out of place, in a way, because there the mistake is STAYING in a relationship, not making a mistake to end it. In #5 the mistake is… Read more »
To some people they may be common. But to other men, this list will be strange for them. But there’s nothing constructive in making the assumption that men already know everything about relationships when clearly we don’t (just as women don’t either). In terms of my point about porn, I think it’s pretty clear that I have no problem with porn as long as it’s watched in moderation + as long porn isn’t used to punish or define a relationship. I also disagree with you that all porn is equally objectifying. Simply showing a couple having sex is not objectifying.… Read more »
It still sounds a lot like an issue over movie tastes. In that sense, then, the advice sounds pretty good, as a kind of “best practices” approach. As in, it’s going to be challenging to find someone who will be comfortable with some kinds of porn. It tends to creep out many women; that’s just a realistic statement of the state of society. However, I don’t think BDSM porn is inherently demeaning or exploitative. Obviously it *can* be, but if a man has sexual fantasies of such a nature and his partner does not, then that is really a sexual… Read more »
Jackson writes: “Porn where both partners go down on each other isn’t objectifying either…[P]orn that fetishizes male pleasure + degrades women is. We can argue forever about whether a money shot, for example is degrading or not. But I don’t think there’s much of an argument when a male porn star is strangling a female porn star, or calling her a whore, or talking down to her, or making her choke.” So, we’re basically talking about masturbation fantasies, which ones are acceptable to you and which ones are not. At the risk of being branded a pervert, I don’t think… Read more »
Steve
❞ I don’t think
any sexual fantasies are inherently bad if they go on only in a person’s head or in
private masturbation.❞
What then if the sexual masturbation fantasy is sex with children . Do you really think it is smart to dwell on that , have more and more orgasm dreaming of penetrating babies?
Our brain relate to our fantasies as if it happens in real life, and patters are made in our brain .
I knew someone was going to go there. Our society is obsessed with pedophilia. Certainly, if a person cannot control their urges or cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality, then they should be careful how they fantasize. But, in that case the bad thing is the *action* of violating an actual person, not the fantasy of doing it. It’s only bad when it translates into actual, real-life bad action. I still say that any fantasy by itself is not evil or harmful. For example, I don’t think people who fantasize about sex with children should be sent to jail or… Read more »
The title of this article, “5 Mistakes Men Make in Relationships,” seems to be a misnomer as became evident as I read through the article. I was going to write of an experience i had with the first mistake, “The ambiguously or conveniently undefined relationship that only benefits you,” but I have discovered that recalling what happens is still toxic to me. To make a long story short, I was in a relationship that the other party kept “ambiguously undefined” and in fact resisted any effort to give it a definition. After a substantial time in limbo one day I… Read more »
Bill, Thanks for sharing your experience. Personally, I don’t find these things to be misnomers because they’re mistakes I’ve seen many men make. They’re mistakes I used to make in my relationships. And they’re mistakes that many of my female friends have told me about with old relationships of theirs. That said, I know exactly what you’re saying. It’s obviously not just men who make these mistakes at all. But I believe in men + this critique is a project of tough love because we need to expect more of men + call out the shit we do. Thanks for… Read more »
Yes men make them, but the fact is that everyone makes them. Let’s call everyone out and not just one gender.
Bill, In my experience, I see men making this mistakes more often than women. I think that women make other mistakes in relationships. I’m sure there’s crossover for sure, but I believe these 5 mistakes are much more common with men. Obviously you disagree + I can respect that. But for me, I think it’s an inaccurate characterization to suggest that both men + women commit the same mistakes mentioned above with the same frequency. And even if they did (they don’t), that still doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to call men out for these things. Ultimately, part of… Read more »
Fair enough … “he bows out, agreeing to disagree.”
Amen, Jackson. In a discussion about fixing relationship problems between men and women, it helps to focus on one thing at a time. I share your purpose in helping men become their best. Only then can we expect to share a life with a woman who wants to be HER best.
Steve, I totally agree.
Jackson (and Steve) – Please be so kind as to point us to the female analog where hetero-normative women are being called out on their shit, so they can be deserving of good men. Because, honestly, I haven’t been able to find such a site. I think we’re living in a time when men, generally, are fair game for an endless barrage of criticism and critique, in order for them to go from being sub-par to being worthy of a woman’s attention and ultimately love, and women are being told, in countless women’s sites, “You go, GRRL”. This, in my… Read more »
I really like the site “A New Mode”. It has shown me ways that I may have turned men off. Ive also read the book “Why You’re Not Married… Yet”. Which I believe started as a blog post. One of the first chapters is ‘Because you’re a B*tch’ so we definitely get called out. 😉
To be fair Kema, there are few places where women get called out, but you can count them at the tip of the fingers. But for men its almost universal….
” Please be so kind as to point us to the female analog where hetero-normative women are being called out on their shit, so they can be deserving of good men. Because, honestly, I haven’t been able to find such a site. I think we’re living in a time when men, generally, are fair game for an endless barrage of criticism and critique, in order for them to go from being sub-par to being worthy of a woman’s attention and ultimately love, and women are being told, in countless women’s sites, “You go, GRRL”. ” I agree, this is simply… Read more »
I respectfully disagree. This articles doesn’t “attack men at all costs” nor does it defend women. Women don’t need to be protected + this article isn’t trying to do that. What this piece does do, is critique some of the negative habits men do, not because men are better or worse than women, but because this is a project investigating, analyzing + critiquing modern masculinity. If the GMP can’t do that, then frankly no place can. This article doesn’t “shame” men either. It’s a tough love critique. A critique is about accountability, not about shame. A critique implies that something… Read more »
Jackson, I should have specified…I wasnt speaking about your article in particular, but in general, from magazines to online advices, not you. But how could you know? My fault alone.
Peace.
Very good points, Jackson! I’d just like to offer my slightly different slant on number 5: I believe usually you are not staying in a bad relationship out of laziness. You do because you are stuck in what we mathematicians call a local maximum. It’s like standing on top of a small hill, when next to you is a mountain. You want to go up the mountain, but you can’t straight from where you are, you must first go DOWN in order to go UP, and you hate to go down, because after all you want to go up. It’s… Read more »
Hey Theorema, I like your mathematical cross-application a lot here + I think it works quite well. That said, I do feel like I’ve known quite a few men in my life who are lazy in terms of either taking drastic action to save the relationship/marriage or lazy in terms of breaking things off because they’re not working. You may very well be right that the notion of a local maximum psychologically explains +/or prevents men taking action, but there comes a point when some men aren’t being straight with themselves (which is laziness) or they’re not taking decisive actions… Read more »
By the way, I always thought inertia was a useful cross-applicable scientific theory too in terms of stagnant relationships. But thanks for teaching me something cool today.
Peace,
-j1b
My favorite “cross-application” to relationships, from electricity and magnetism, is the old rule “The voltage on the break is greter than the voltage on the make.”
good stuff, man.