After the overwhelming response to his story about falling in love with his best friend, Mike Iamele wrote down some of the things he’s learned about love.
In the last few weeks, I’ve been thrown into a whirlwind discussion about what love is and isn’t. Since MindBodyGreen asked me to expand upon my blog post, detailing how I fell in love with Garrett, I’ve been inundated with voices from both sides of the aisle. Some applauded me, shared secret confessions of their own, and were inspired to seek out any opportunities for love in their own lives. Others berated me, said that I was ignoring bisexuality, or that I only had feelings for Garrett because he took care of me.
Caught amidst this frenzy, I’ve had to do a lot of thinking about how I feel about love. Are love and sexuality one-in-the-same? Can they be mutually exclusive? And can sexuality change over time, or is it set in stone from day one?
Apart from being a frequent viewer of Masters of Sex, I don’t pretend to know a ton about sexuality. But a sensitive guy like me—yeah, I know a thing or two about love.
Growing up, I bought into the fairytale of love. I bought into this idea that I’d meet this gorgeous girl in the most serendipitous of ways, and we’d get married. I thought that I’d buy her diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day, and we might travel to the Caribbean a few times. And we’d have our 2.5 children. And that’d be life.
Looking back, I realize that’s not love; that’s the movies.
Love is when you’re at a party talking excitedly, and you catch your partner starring at you out of the corner of your eye, with that knowing smirk on his or her face. Love is when you see someone sleeping, and you think—no matter how cliché it sounds—he or she really does look like an angel. Love is when you forget about how big your nose is or how saggy your butt is because, around that person, you always feel beautiful.
Love is when you realize, for the first time, that someone is see you, the real you—who you are, not whatyou are. And you finally get the difference.
Love doesn’t have a ton to do with Valentine’s Day (in fact, in my experience, the more loving relationships avoid the restaurants and do takeout that day). It doesn’t have to do with expensive gifts or suburban homes or even 2.5 kids. It’s not about Caribbean vacations or fancy cars or even all-dressed-up beauty.
Love is a sweatpants thing. Love is a jeans thing. It’s a you-at-your-worst thing. Because love makes you realize that there is no worst. There is no best, either. There’s just you. There’s just a person who’s growing and changing and evolving. And, in the eyes of someone else, that’s beautiful.
Love isn’t heavy. It isn’t dramatic. And it most definitely isn’t something you need to gossip to all your friends about. Love is light. Love is playful. Love is so much fun that you forget it’s work. But it’s not supposed to be.
Sure, there are struggles. Sure, there are down times. But they’re really just growth times. They’re really just points where you’re challenging each other to grow.
As a culture, we’re so in love with love that we try to make it something it’s not. We try to fake it. We try to manipulate it. We try to distort it.
Maybe if we’re funny on the first date we’ll find love. Maybe if we wear that sexy dress, it will come. But the truth is—all anybody wants to see is you. With your flaws and imperfections and less-than-ideal features. Because that’s the only way that the person who really, really loves you can find you. They’ve been searching for you their whole lives. You’ve just been hiding behind those cool sunglasses or fancy dress or nice watch.
The best way to find love is to give it—not to others, but to yourself. Love yourself with all your heart. Take yourself out on dates and treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Know for a fact that you don’t need anybody else. That you’re complete as you are. That who you are is radiant and beautiful. But having a pal on this journey wouldn’t be so bad. It’d be kind of fun.
And, when you love yourself that much, you can’t help but show the real you to the world. You can’t help but boast how freaking awesome you are. And people get to see what they’ve always been looking for.
So I’m no expert. I never went to med school. I never studied sexual psychology. I have no real interest getting into the heterosexual/bisexual/homosexual argument.
All I know is love. I know that when you catch your partner with some food on his or her face, and you can’t help but crack a smile, that you’ve found something special. Something that says, “Hey, I’m freaking awesome, and I love myself, and I deserve you. But I’m in love with you, and you deserve me too.”
Everything else is just a fairytale. Just someone else’s story.
Now I’ve shared my love story. What’s yours?
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Originally published at bostonwellnesscoach.com.
See the first part of Mike’s Story here: I’m an Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell In Love with His Best Friend)
More from Mike: How a Straight Man in a Gay Relationship Made It Work
Photo: Alan Light/Flickr
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This is the best distillation of love that I’ve ever read, Mike. You so clearly outline that radical self-love isn’t selfish, it’s actually subversively selfless. That when you love yourself, you make the world just a little bit better for every/someone else. This is the reason I am so thrillingly single and at the same time ready to take someone else along on the ride, too.
Thanks!
Loved the message in these posts, and how you focus on the actual love, not whatever label it has. I feel love for a person that seem hesitant. Perhaps because me liking this person defies the labels one way or another, and maybe because the person doesn’t know what my love would be like, and how little I expect, just want to expess my love! (and of course hang out, some more time if possible since it is making me feel wonderful). Or maybe even because the person is caught up in something else that matters to them. So however… Read more »
For me love and sexual attraction are very different. I am a bisexual man married to a woman. I feel sexually attracted to both men and women but see guys and a buddy to hang out with and not to love. I think everyone is different. I did try to date guys but never seemed to connect with any at an emotional level. I am happy to have my family with a woman, but sexually is a different thing.
Oh my goodness, Mike; I do quite love you for this.
Thank you.
Hi, I’m totally agree of what you say, I’m just broke up, and this is really helping me, because I know that what I use to have was love, real love. I was in a relationship with a guy that I meet at collage, we were couple since a year ago, he decides to go for a exchange student to Paris, at first we were agree and we decides to continue with the relationship, but then a month later, we start to fight, most of all I was jealous, and afraid of he cheating on me, so he proposed that… Read more »
Mike, these two articles were beautiful. Thank you.
My partner of 5 years recently moved away to attend Grad. school out of state, this line really spoke to me, Im glad there are people like you in the world, we could use about another 10,000 of you Mr. Iamele.
“Sure, there are struggles. Sure, there are down times. But they’re really just growth times. They’re really just points where you’re challenging each other to grow.”
Stop worrying about people who are afraid of male sexual fluidity. They are so afraid of men’s ability to love fearlessly outside of the strict boundaries of rigid masculinity that they try to deny it, prevent it, disparage it, pin it down, box it in, limit it, and sabotage it. Both men and women, by the way, have this problem with acknowledging male sexual fluidity which is part of the reason that most heterosexual and bisexual-identified women exhibit prejudice against dating bisexual-identified men. Somehow, the naysayers don’t have the same problems with the idea of female sexual fluidity and that… Read more »
Amy, I am genuinely interested. What made you such a defender of male sexual fluidity. For me labels are safe that may or may not be a flaw. I do like things black or white. But you have such a momma ferocity about this subject. Why?
Why do you want me to be as misandrist and homophobic as you? I believe in equality if you must know. I hate double standards and when it comes to sexual orientation and sexual fluidity, there’s definitely a double standard peddled by people like YOU. There you have it!!!
What double standards do you see? You may not agree with me but I don’t have double standards when it comes to this subject. I am not homophobic and I do not think that I am peddling a hatred of men. You seem intent on screeching instead of having a substantive back and forth. So I will wish you luck and I hope that you are calmer in person when it comes to issues that you are passionate about.
@Amy Friedman, I don’t believe Tiffany is homophobic, this is a new topic to her. She is curious and confused by some of it and that is natural.
@TiffanyG, Are you in favor of gay rights?
Definitely. I think people have a right to live how they see fit. My Aunt and her wife have been married my whole life and family sees no difference in them. My best friend from law school is gay and I have been friends with he and his long distance lover(we like to use that terminology cuz it is really fancy. As a racial minority I ain’t got time to discriminate against nobody. But my acceptance of gay people does not mean I automatically get sexual fluidity. Gay, straight and even bi makes sense to me. I am learning about… Read more »
Oh and by gay rights… I guess that is the marriage question right? I want gay people to be able to marry, divorce and have fights over custody just like all of us straights.
I only asked to show Amy that you are not a bigot, which I knew you weren’t. Not getting sexually fluidity is fine, I personally don’t get transsexuals but i’m open to learn and would never try to discriminate against someone who is trans.
Being open to discuss something that you don’t get is what matters.
My husband identifies as bisexual to avoid complicaiton, but in reality, he doesn’t like labels. I see the need for labels to simply concepts, but I also believe sexuality is a dimension that is as unique as the individual beyond any label or scale can truly define and measure. For example, if I were to try and “define” my husband’s sexual indentity, I would call him an androgynous disjunctive bisexual male–a long description that can be housed under the queer umbrella. Mine on the other hand is mostly-heterosexual, but I find females sometimes sexually attractice, very rarely emotionally/spiritually/romantically attractive, but… Read more »
Most straight and bisexual-identified women do NOT exhibit prejudice against dating bisexual-identified men. Please show your reseaches that prove your statement. Having questions have nothing to do with judgement, homophobia and even less misandry, come on. “Somehow, the naysayers don’t have the same problems with the idea of female sexual fluidity and that speaks volumes.” No one even mentioned female sexual fluidity. You are once again assuming they think different in that situation. Also assuming they have problems, when in fact they only got questions. Maybe even ignorance about the subject, but hey, not everyone is born knowing everything. If… Read more »
Denis if a person does not want to date a bi-sex person is that a prejudice? I am 100% straight. I know this about myself because when I found out my Aunt was gay (I was 12) I was always open to the fact that I could be gay too just because our personalities were so similar and I was 12 so that was how I processed. As I got older I have tried to will myself to be attracted to women. For some reason, Amy non-withstanding, I thought a relationship with a woman would be easier (I know not… Read more »
I don’t think that is prejudice, a bit closed minded but like I said before if your not comfortable then it’s not something you should do.
I would also like to point out that those are just the relationships you hear about, most bisexual men that marry women do not check out men or talk about them with their wives. Also that some straight men talk about women they think are attractive with their wives.