Contrary to popular belief, all men are not the same—nor should men apologize for being men.
In the many columns I have in the written in the last couple years, I have occasionally fallen into the trap of speaking of men as one monolithic entity. Since I have heard hundreds of men tell their stories, I somehow felt (wrongly) that all those stories gave me a unique vantage point to speak with the royal “we.”
The editorial staff here at GMPM have often debated dropping the word “good” from our name, because some infer that we think we are morally righteous (which we aren’t). Now that the world has come to know us as the Good Men Project we have stuck with it—but also because we think the aspirations and stories of individual men trying to improve their lives, inside and out, is an important focus of our editorial mission.
That does not mean, of course, that I am Good or have some kind of Star Trek–like Vulcan mind meld that allows me to know what every man on the face of the planet is experiencing. I have heard a lot of guys talk about the turning points in their lives, but at the end of the day, all I really have is my own first-person story of failure, success, struggle, and moments of sheer joy.
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I do spend most of my time writing about guys valiantly trying in their own unique way to be good—good dads, good husbands, good workers, good men—and sometimes it seems like no one is listening. The world, including even some of the most influential writers on manhood, such as Hanna Rosin (“The End of Men,” “Breadwinner Wives”) and Kay Hymowitz (Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys), seem to be talking about men as if they’re universally incapable of adapting to a changing world—lazy ne’er-do-wells treading water in a sea of perpetual adolescence. (All those male celebrities getting caught cheating and snorting coke don’t help much, either.)
Enter this video, “Dear Women,” that has been making its way around the Web. Its creators state their missions as:
Based on the “Manifesto for Conscious Men,” a collectively written document from a number of men who feel deep appreciation for the gifts of the feminine as a balance to those of the masculine. This document acknowledges many thousands of years of dominance of masculine power, and offers an apology for the suppression of women, in the spirit of a fresh start. The authors do not advocate the domination of men by women or feminine energy, but feel that a balance and equal respect for both energies will allow for a new wave of evolution on our planet. (See video below.)
The first woman friend who sent it to me told me it brought tears of joy to her eyes. Then my buddy Amy Alkon offered her analysis: “I Am Man-Pussy, Hear Me Apologize.” She wrote, “Newsflash: Men have been murdered, circumcised, and abused throughout history. (Most recently, by appearing in this video deballed.)”
I am all for speaking out against violence against women, against the victimization of women around the globe in the sex trade, and even against the continued discrimination against women in the workplace. But I am not prepared to raise my hand as being guilty of any of the above—or a co-conspirator in a grand gender plot, for which men need to create an LSD-inspired New Age video apologizing for the terror committed by men in the Middle Ages.
I have made profound mistakes, some of which involve women. I have done my best to make amends for those particular events, meaning I have not only apologized but also worked my tail off to change who I am to ensure that I don’t make the same mistakes again.
But this idea that somehow there is a monolithic male Spirit that has been for thousands of years oppressing women makes no more sense than me—a recovering alcoholic with three kids by two different women and a persistent anger management problem—telling guys how to be good.
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I like to blame the media for wrongly pigeonholing guys. I have met many men, from Sing Sing inmates to NFL Hall of Famers who have contributed to the Project and proven to me that men are far more nuanced than we are often given credit for. We may not be “Good” in any ultimate, Platonic sense of the word, but there are an awful lot of guys who aspire to be better than simple embodiments of the tags bestowed on them by popular culture.
The guys in that video, professing their love for the feminine and to apologizing for the raping and pillaging at the hands of Genghis Khan—as pure as their intentions might be—fall into the same fallacy, by casting all women as victims and all men as perpetrators of the crime of being men.
While there have always been—and there will continue to be—men who do terrible things, that doesn’t make all men guilty. We shouldn’t be apologizing for what bad men have done any more than we should be apologizing for what bad women have done. The best thing we can do for Men (and Women) is to work to be the best people we can be today—and try to be a little bit better tomorrow—while accepting that one guy’s story, one path to Goodness, might be a lot different from another guy’s path. His story might be different, but that doesn’t make him less good, or less of a man.
My occasional use of the royal “we” notwithstanding, that has been the point of the Good Men Project from the beginning: to create a space where men of all kinds can share the truth of their own experience and escape the sweeping generalities that serve us so poorly when thinking about who we are and and who we aspire to become.
—Photo fchelaru
Problematic for the good men project.
How to be genuinely male positive and conform to feminist ideological requirements.
You could over come this problem and generate much more money if you stopped pandering to feminist women and gave mens rights writers are fair go, the mens rights people are already ahead of the curve and winning most debates in your comments section here anyway.
The “male collective guilt” sounds awfully reminiscent of the really old anti-Semitic “blood debt” idea that says that “since Jews killed Jesus then all Jews are cursed.” I have a hard time seeing the difference between these two collective guilt ideas. One obvious overlap would be to say that “men killed Jesus, so all men are cursed.” It’s basically the same logic all rolled into one neat absurd package. I don’t just mean absurd in terms of fairness or tolerance of difference; I mean in terms of logic and critical thinking. Let’s assume for the moment that male and female… Read more »
“Contrary to popular belief, all men are not the same—nor should men apologize for being men.”
Oh…does this mean that Hugo’s out of a job then?
Good Men Project Magazine will always suffer from an image problem as long as its staff insists on vacillating on what the name means within their own inner circle and refusing to rewrite their about page to reflect Tom’s new declaration that it is about “making men’s lives better” as opposed to the clear message as things stand (last I checked) that it is about making MEN better.
Till then, this entire website is just a somewhat less extreme, but more ideologically cloudy version of the Conscious Men Project.
How can any evolved, integrated, healed, whole and caring man be anything but deeply moved by watching the “Dear Woman” video? Having said that, there are millions of American men out there who feel just as oppressed and marginalized as any woman ever has and the last thing those men need is to hear ten more bad things they need to apologize for in their lives. All their lives, men have been told, mostly by their mothers, female teachers, girlfriends and wives, what they should and should not do in order to be considered good men. I don’t believe it… Read more »
SecondBeach
“Men are responsible for building a better world for women”
Thats always been the male role, protecting and providing for women, you are promoting modified traditionalism and sexism.
Collective guilt is stupid. Like that video. It is unhelpful and breed bitterness. Collective responsibility is necessary and helpful. Men are responsible for building a better world for women, not because they are all rapists and bigots who need to atone but because they are people who are responsible for their fellow human beings. I am white and middle class, I am still responsible for fighting racism and helping challenge the structures that leave people systematically disempowered. I am able-bodied, and though I do not actively engage in ableism, I am still responsible for fighting ableist barriers in our society.… Read more »
“Collective guilt is stupid. …Collective responsibility is necessary and helpful.” Collective guilt is the consequence of collective responsibility. As long as there is collective responsibility, you will ALWAYS get collective guilt. All you need is one person dissatisfied with the accomplishments of those responsible and you get collective blame followed by guilt. “Men are responsible for building a better world for women,” Why? How to their genitalia obligate them to do favors for women? Do you also believe that women are responsible for making men happy? Sexist generalizations stink – whichever way they’re pointed. Believe it or not, men, just… Read more »
Well, actually, yeah, I feel that I have a responsibility to make the world a better place for everyone. Men included too, for their own specific reasons. Because, believe it or not, things that benefit men will have the flow-on effect of benefitting women, and vice versa. I stand to benefit from the introduction of quality and genuinely equal paternity leave programs; I stand to benefit from a structural change to workplaces that allows both men and women more flexibility; I benefit as a teacher of boys if my students are completely safe from sexual and physical abuse and the… Read more »
bec
with women as most abusive in relationships and most likely to abuse children, dv laws that discriminate in favour of women discriminate against most of the victims of domestic violence. .
Several Points: anit: 1) Pointing fingers at the origin of hostility is unnecessary and will not help us. There has been hostility towards feminism from men in general since before the suffragettes and there was plenty of misandry and damning generalizations from “feminists”, especially Second Wave. We know already. It’s been damaging and painful and incredibly counterproductive. However, this article is about moving forward. 2) Perhaps I wasn’t clear when I talked about men being responsible to help fight misogyny; if so that’s my own fault I never said that all men should strive to ‘make women happy’ and of… Read more »
Sorry, by the way, for the typos in this and the previous post. I guess I was writing too hastily…
Ok, I understand your position better now. Still I would have appreciated the use of the word “people” in the first place. There’s no particular reason to address the issues separately anyway – especially since both are always connected. As for your use of the words “guilt” and “responsibility”. I was assuming that you used them literally. And fact is, that you cannot entirely separate them. My statement about responsibility leading to guilt when applied collectively to specific groups of the population remains solid. It is entirely different when you apply it to all people. Then nobody can stand as… Read more »
SecondBeach, well said. Anit, responsibility does not lead to guilt except in people who do not know the difference. And there is quite a difference. If you feel guilt about the old man who had a heart attack in front of your house, then you have some kind of emotional enmeshment issue going on. If you call 911, give him CPR, that is taking responsibility for another person’s well-being. There is no guilt involved. If, on the other hand, you felt annoyed that you were the one who he had the heart attack in front of, and then you feel… Read more »
SecondBeach Feminism has been lying us about rape, lying about rape is an age old way of exploiting men and feminim is organised lying about rape and female victimhood. “According to the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence in Canada:Self-report studies provide a very different view of sexual abuse perpetration and substantially increase the number of female perpetrators. In a retrospective study of male victims, 60% reported being abused by females (Johnson and Shrier, 1987). The same rate was found in a sample of college students (Fritz et al., l 981). In other studies of male university and college students, rates… Read more »
” Men are responsible for building a better world for women, not because they are all rapists and bigots who need to atone but because they are people who are responsible for their fellow human beings. ”
Being a white knight is not part of a healthy masculinity.
Tom, does your new position on collective male guilt signal a change in editorial policy?
Anyway, here is one of the mens movements responses to the so called “conscious men”.
ht tp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IOuW2-YImI
Molly, et al, I guess. Speaking of what “men” do or should do, and the problems besetting women implies that said problems are about the same everywhere. See Lara Logan’s problem. And those were what the media were calling the good guys, the resisters, the anti-Mubarak brave rebels and so forth. It’s an example of the sort of things that happen to huge numbers of women in Islamic societies. Previously, the excuse was that it was hillbilly Muslims who hadn’t been shorn of their pre-Muslim customs or something. This was an urban mob of urban people exposed to the west,… Read more »
Thank you for all that you do; I turned to The Good Men Project when I was feeling particularly cynical and hopeless about men personally. Everything I read on various other news sites & blogs only pushed me into further feelings of hopelessness. I have been so relieved to find the quality of writing that I do on this website. As a woman who loves men, and who is blessed with wonderful male family members and male friends, I am so encouraged to read this site!
That’s what men are here for: to make you feel better.
There is only one response to such blanket cynicism against a group of people more diverse than any other in the world: Grow Up!
Or she’s saying that, as a Human Being who cares about the Male Human Beings in her life, she’s glad there is a site supportive of a more open, healthy, considered masculinity, the same way a father could be happy there are sites and organization that discusses women and their experiences because he cares about is daughter. Because she wants the world to be better for THEM. Because that’s what you should want for the people you care about.
And she’s doing it in such a man-hating way:
“I turned to The Good Men Project when I was feeling particularly cynical and hopeless about men personally. ”
But that’s still a good effort on her part though, isn’t it, because it’s really just so wonderful when a woman can manage to see a man as a fellow human being. And we should all just burst into a tears of gratitude for her generosity.
What misogynist crap.
Oh, somehow overlooked that first line. Nevermind, that makes her whole statement crap. You can be cynical about gender roles, about misogyny, etc. You can’t be cynical about half the fucking planet. Jesus.
Brittney, I had a similar experience. When I found Good Man Project I was looking for answers to questions about men. A lot of websites that come up geared to men seem to be about how to bang women or how to look at other women while your out with yours or are about posting the latest pictures of topless celebrities. Which only fed my own personal struggles concerning men. I do not think these articles are complete representations of men, any more then Cosmo is a fair representation of all a woman thinks about, but these articles do apparently… Read more »
I guess this is evidence that I should have been more careful with my wording; I meant I was feeling more cynical with some of the men I had come across recently, and felt like that cynicism was being reflected and deepened by what was most prevalent in the media. I found the GMP refreshing and hopeful because it offered a different media portrayal – not because it changed my own opinions about the already great men present in my life. To see a voice for that side of the story is what made me feel better. I only meant… Read more »
Wow, that was an interesting little social dynamic display.
I’ve seen this video before. While I appreicate the attempt by the people who made the video to offer a collective “olive branch”, it is hugely misplaced. The video would have been much more effective if it was about social issues faced today, and was without all the “aplogogies” for my gender commentary. If it instead asked men and women to work together to solve issues. When I see men care about things that hurt women, I’m encouraged. I know there are men out there that care enough to help make the world better, not just for themselves, but for… Read more »
Thumbs up, Erin !
I absolutely agree with you. We cannot undo what has been done nor can a simple apology ease the mischief or pain that was caused. But what we (as in ALL of us) can do is try our best to make this world a place worth living for everyone.
Now, all my tear-jerking aside, I really didn’t like the us and them mentality of that video. It seems to suggest that men on a united front, are opposing women, also on a united front. And we all know how rediculous that is
Thanks Tim! I find in our society there is often that us (women in my case) vs. “them” (men) mindset. And it is ridiculous but an important thing to fight. It goes with that whole “girl code” vs “guy code” , don’t “sell out” your gender bullcrap that men and women both buy into.
The gmp is a less overt version of the conscious men manifesto and both promote the myths of male collective male guilt, female moral superiority and disproportionate female victim hood.
Dear woman: I’m sorry for being a man. Hee, hee
The guys in that video look like eunuchs who are recruiting for their very creepy cult. Seriously, I got 43 seconds into it before I became so simultaneously disgusted and angry that I had to shut it off before I threw the laptop across the room. I believe women are equals and I think the best way to show that is to live it on a daily basis. Which I do, and I know most of the guys in my life do as well. But instead of looking forward, these morons are needlessly looking back and apologizing for things that… Read more »
Daddy Files, the tone of your email is so aggresive and that’s the point of clip. Jesus!
…and then of course there is this, a relatively obvious piece, which led to name calling from both women and men: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/women-we-love-for-the-wrong-reasons/
Oh the “tone” criticism. He’s not sensitive enough to how you will feel about his tone, What a naughty little boy he is. And what exactly was so “aggressive” about his tone? The fact that he presumed to talk back to you? What a nughty little boy that doesn’t know his place in the moral hierarchy. Go jam it. You’re a fine one, Molly, to accuse anyone of an aggressive tone. You started the whole conversation with a guilt-mongering, aggresive whine that blamed men for letting women fight their own battles, and carreid on with a rambling, one-sided laundry list… Read more »
I have never been of the belief that men are monolithically benefactors of the old world order or patriarchy. Even the word “patriarchy” refers specifically to a tiny, minority subset of men (and in some cases women). Fuck all those who aren’t straight, or able-bodied, or privileged enough to earn shloads of money in comfortable and prestigious jobs; sell the lie to those under you that what makes them superior is their sex or their race without actually granting them fairness and equality, and you have people who will support you without appreciating the turd sandwich that’s being fed with… Read more »
“Men get shat upon by the system for entirely different reasons to women. ”
Yes and one does not cancel or diminish the other. Quite often the harms are complimentary.
I won’t disagree with it. I will argue that the magnitude to which many women globally experience discrimination and disadvantage is greater in some areas of the world (as, I presume, occurs with men). But that is so fair and reasonable that nobody in their right mind would challenge the notion.
Tom, lovely peice. Whilst I appreciate ‘not all men are the same’ and I love this site and support it. BUT for far too long men stand back and don’t support women’s issues. The men who can, who are bright enough and wise enough to help women stand back to do nothing. They do nothing, and that to me is where men are to be held accountable, not to blame, but accountable. Suppresion of women worldwide is no longer woman’s issues – it’s a human issue and we (women) need the help of men to stop the crimes against women… Read more »
Molly from the piece, “I am all for speaking out against violence against women, against the victimization of women around the globe in the sex trade, and even against the continued discrimination against women in the workplace.” Go to the link i this sentence in the piece. Its about teenage prostitution. I am totally with you that we as human beings need to address the horrible abuse of other human beings, particularly women in the sex trade etc. But we don’t need to attack men as one monolithic body to do so.
Tom, thank you for sharing the link to your earlier interview.
This rarely, if ever, plays out just one way in my experience.
I recall engaging in a discussion with another reader here who was quite busy defending the wonderfulness of 75% of the street boys in Vancouver, BC being picked up by Cougar Janes (Vancouver, BC Sun article from 2008) because of his theoretical approval of prostitution.
Very easy to do that when you see yourself as the purchaser in a buyer’s market. Man or woman.
Go to the link i this sentence in the piece. Its about teenage prostitution. I am totally with you that we as human beings need to address the horrible abuse of other human beings, particularly women in the sex trade etc. But we don’t need to attack men as one monolithic body to do so. Yet focusing on specific issues like that prompts attacking men as a monolithic body because you focus only on the bad things men do. It creates the false impression that only men do these things (and also that only females are victims), and that eventually… Read more »
Tom, Yes, you are speaking out, but many of our leaders are not. The men in so called ‘power’ stand back and do nothing active to support women’s groups. In the UK alone 2 women per week are murdered by their partners. In Africa a girl is more likely to be raped than educated. In Asia women are sold like meat for sex. In fact one country uses the selling of sex as a tourist attraction. Why don’t men just wake up and stop using ‘prostitues?’. Where are the campigns from men to raise awareness? Woman are now more likely… Read more »
Molly, that’s deeply flawed, feminist thinking you neglect to mention that women commit most child abuse, and child abuse is what created dysfunction and abusive adults Also, If I offer a lot of figures, some of them true and some of them, not measuring the hardships faced by sheep only while deliberately leaving out the same or comparative information in relation to cows and claiming this is proof that sheep have it harder than cows, and that cows bear collective responsibility for it, that would be me being dishonest and abusing statistics. In reality, in this world men bear the… Read more »
Jack, women and sexual abuse wasn’t the point of Tom’s article.
I’m also offended by the remark that my views are deeply flawed. No they are not. There are facts I have quoted and my comment on the leaders in this world (mostly male) do nothing to support women’s groups is a true statement, not a flawed view.
Molly
Molly Womens groups do receive a lot of funding, are notoriously corrupt and morally bankrupt because they publish misinformation about disproportionate female victimhood, stir up misandry to keep their industry going and they run services that discriminate on the basis of gender. The facts you gave in isolation and misleading for example … you mention the 2 women that killed by their partner a week (presumably in the UK) out of a population of over 50 million, and neglect to mention the one male that is killed by his female partner a week and the fact that a body of… Read more »
Jack, you missed my point completely,
It’s not worth getting in to debate with you on this. You’re the one who has turned the whole online chat into men v woman.
As for the partonising ‘titanic’ comment, round of applause for that one, not to mention hysterical feminist claims.
You are missing my point.
I’m not pro men verses women thats feminism, I’m anti feminism – an egalitarian mra.
Jack, You are missing her point, and you personally attacked HER instead of joining the discussion. Which, by the way, supports what Molly was saying. So, thank you for proving her right. “Feminism” is not about power over men. Being equal with another human being is not having power over them. It is having power WITH them, equally. You don’t get to have more power, more rights, or be seen as automatically superior because of your physical body than someone else, if you are in a society that is equal and egalitarian. And if you are truly egalitarian, you have… Read more »
“Woman are now more likely to be gang raped due to internet porn than ever before, not to mention rape being used a weapon of war. ”
Huh?? Can you please cite some kind of source for that? I have no idea how you plan on blaming Internet porn for the amount of gang rapes, so I’d appreciate some sort of study you can reference.
“They do nothing, and that to me is where men are to be held accountable, not to blame, but accountable. ”
Perhaps it might be wise to remember that men have issues too, and their issues result in more death, illness and suffering than women’s on the whole. Despite that, on average, men are doing a lot more to solve women’s issues than women are doing to solve men’s issues.
If you really want things to get better, then stop the blame game and us-vs-them mentality. That would be a start.
Hi Ant, There is no blame game going on here. See my reply to Tom. I think my point was misunderstood. In all honesty, I know many women who have lost their faith in men, and sites like this help reblance that perception. So all these conversations are really useful. So yes, I appreciate men have issues too, but not enough men help women’s groups. ‘It’ is happening to women (supression, violence, rape, torture, etc… ) all over the world so it’s ‘our’ problem to sort out. That’s the message we get. All I am asking is where are all… Read more »
Celia
This is not the titanic, the oppression of men and the destruction of male bodies is far greater than that of females. We are moving away from feminist damsel in distress and evil male oppressor or sacrificer role playing and and mythology and developing a better way, something more equal..
Here is an interesting article.
ht tp://www.avoiceformen.com/2011/04/30/4437/
@Molly Ha! Through feminism, women have demanded the right to compete against men. The moment they chose to do this they relieved men of the obligation of protecting and deferring to women. Instead we are obliged to compete right back. This means we have no obligation to promote the interests of women any longer. No more than we have an obligation to let the opposing basketball team win during the Final Four. Furthermore, if women are equal as they say then they should not need a “man’s” help in promoting her interests. In fact, the very fact that you believe… Read more »
“for far too long men stand back and don’t support women’s issues.” You are claiming here that men owe something to women. We don’t. You are strong and independent, and it’s your own fault if you are not, and if you are not, you deserve whatever comes your way. And what on earth is “support women’s issues” supposed to mean? “They do nothing, and that to me is where men are to be held accountable, not to blame, but accountable. ” So what then do you have to say about all the women who sit on their fat asses and… Read more »