Upon reaching 50, the phrase ‘midlife crisis’ seems to fit some men’s lives. Joe Rutland offers an alternative viewpoint.
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Ah, sweet 50, I’ve waited for you a long time. This is an exciting time to be alive, feel vibrant, buy a new car, grab a 30-something hot lover, have passionate sex, and really be in touch with turning the big five-oh.
Doesn’t that just sound groovy, baby? It sure does. Popular culture loves calling a situation like this a “midlife crisis.” It’s when a man wakes up, looks around at his wife or partner, rubs his hands over his eyes and face and goes, “Who am I, who is she (or he), and why am I here?” Money may be flowing in hand over fist, a career that just keeps churning and burning with immense success, and plenty of friends and family who care a lot.
Then a “yeah, but” flies across the mental radar … and time stops.
There is something not quite right inside a man’s soul. All of the ideas and thoughts that he’s carried around for years just don’t work anymore. It’s like receiving a cold, wet splash of water in the face and, well, waking up.
For me, I have a Ph.D. in living in crisis mode. That has been my M.O. for, oh God, so many years. It does not work anymore. My “chaos maker” is broken. I pick it up some days, shake it around and attempt to replicate chaos because that’s what my emotional DNA finds friendly. What about serenity and peace? No, no … let’s have chaos! Let’s have crazy-making self-talk and utter made-up crap run through my mind. Toss in some obsessive-compulsive behaviors and, voila, that is a concoction for crisis mode.
Therefore, I reach 50 and it’s time to have a “midlife crisis.” For some people, it does happen at 50. It might happen a little before then or a little after as far as age is concerned. It’s like this stage in a man’s life is to be accepted. Same goes for women, too (at least I perceive it might … and feel free to tell me ‘Joe, you’re full of it and women don’t have crises at midlife. Thanks dude.’).
Part of this path in my life involves allowing more space for joy and abundance and less space for fear, shame and anger. Thanks to a friend of mine, I recently came across a recent television appearance by University of Houston vulnerability expert and author Brene’ Brown where she talks about foreboding joy.
It helped open my eyes to the fact that I’ve spent way, way too much time not allowing joy into my life. (Qualifier: I truly believe Dr. Brown does some powerful work and offers life-changing information that both men and women can tap into time and time again.).
Therefore, I want to offer a shift away from “midlife crisis” thinking to viewing this rite of passage as a “midlife awakening.”
This awakening does not have to involve making snap decisions to get out of an intimate relationship that is working. It does not have to involve buying more goodies than you can afford. It can be a simple awareness within that there is more to life than however your life – that’s yours, not mine – looks in the present moment.
The flip side is that should a relationship just fall apart, disposable income allows you to get a speedier car or that lovely Ford F-150, and the 30-something walks on by … well, then it happens.
A “midlife awakening” also involves reviewing what matters in life. It involves questioning what beliefs work and don’t work anymore. Would you keep a banana on the counter that’s grown stale and stinks for months? No. Yet I have been guilty of grasping onto beliefs that don’t work anymore yet are filled with comfort. My sense is that many men and women do the same thing, too.
Awakening involves awareness … awareness that what has helped me reach this middle point of life served me well. Life survival skills from childhood offered protection in the midst of chaos and disorder. People far brighter and more educated than me have written plenty of books and case studies showing how our early childhood experiences get played out in our lives and with other humans.
People can change. Read those three words again. People … can … change. I can change. You can change. It can be a healthy change, too. Awakening broadens the inner perspective of where I am and where I want to go. Light shines upon soul spaces where darkness broods in great contempt. Maybe, awakening involves merging both light and darkness together. In that space, inner peace is reached.
A large part of that inner peace comes from truly working at staying present in the moment. It means to feel whatever feelings and emotions crop up, and sit with them. Another avenue is to find a healthy – stressing the word “healthy” – path to releasing these pent-up emotions so staying present is possible. Many spiritual leaders and texts reflect how important being present for daily living taps into something far greater than ourselves. The term “present-moment awareness” sums it up best to me.
Late author Anthony De Mello wrote an incredible book called “Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality.” I remember reading that book a few years ago and, oh man, each story and pearl of wisdom from De Mello’s words slammed my heart open. It felt like receiving spiritual surgery in a gut-wrenching and good way. If you want to read some real-life applications around awareness, then I’d suggest picking up this book.
Ultimately, whether you and I want to see our lives as a “midlife crisis” or “midlife awakening” is a choice to make.
Above all things, at this stage in life, being gentle, kind and compassionate with your self helps a lot. It sure beats the opposite.
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Photo: rosemilkinabottle/Flickr
So how do you deal with a 51 yr old with a 19yr old going tgru mid life crises. Left his family. Not sure what to do. The last time I saw him it was like a lost soul and the eyes of a homeless man. I feel awful for him. Need advice.
Thank you for writing this…..I just turned 50 this year, and I feel like I too am going through spiritual ‘awareness’/’awakening’/mid-life crisis, so to speak, where I am questioning everything and only concerned with true authenticity in myself and all my relationships. I’m also single, I have no children, and am looking (forward to) (and envisioning) ways that I can fully enjoy my ‘crisis’ with integrity and mindfulness…
Hi Cookie … You are so welcome. I really appreciate the comment. My hope is that you can maintain integrity and mindfulness (two real powerful words, indeed) through this period of time. And know that you are not alone …
Joe