Are you afraid to piss off your wife? Intimacy Expert Allana Pratt knows avoiding conflict makes things worse, yet what if you…
Question: I’ve often heard you speak about women being in their feminine power. My wife holds a powerful role at work and this translates to her often trying to hold the power at home as well. How do I gently and lovingly take my masculine power back without royally pissing her off?
Mr. Ready to Hold Power at Home
Answer: Fabulous man, great question. There is a difference between ‘feminine power’ and the true essence of a woman’s femininity that creates change through inspiration not domination. I’m SURE you know the difference. One feels like emasculation/castration and the other awakens your nobility, makes you feel like a King… yes?
Truth: Does a part of you shut down in fear when you ‘royally piss her off?’
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When a woman is being MORE masculine than you, I’ve never seen a ‘gentle loving’ approach change anything for the better. I’m not saying be a jerk. True masculinity protects, provides and guides unwaveringly. Do you let her make all the decisions with money, travel, the kids and friends? If you’re consistently taking less of a role in leadership, guidance and direction at home than her, this keeps her holding the masculine power at home.
Truth: Does a part of you shut down in fear when you ‘royally piss her off?’ This is pretty common with my clients. If so this indicates you have an emasculated, betrayed and potentially devastated heart (from her, from an ex, from your mom or dad). Until healed, you will never stand in your full masculine grandeur, be able to speak your truth or feel the grounded almost primal power of being a man in your balls. (not that I have balls of course… yet as a woman, I can honestly FEEL when a man is connected there. Swear. ) If your heart is shut down, you’ll spin in your head, doubting yourself, giving away your power, acquiescing to her whims for fear of rejection. You’re like a tree with no roots, blown over by the slightest breeze.
Yet here’s the good news. She’s the PERFECT trigger for you to heal! However, this doesn’t mean it’s going to be fun to sit in the fire and heal this. Yet please rest knowing that she IS honestly a gift to your soul’s evolution.
I used to walk around with a perma-Kegal always three steps ahead of everyone, manipulating situations to be safe and get approval.
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First, let’s remember that when you “royally piss her off” this is not the REAL her. She’s left the kind patience in her heart and she’s in her fear based survival-strategy ego, who thinks being in control is the only way she can be safe. I was totally the same way. I used to walk around with a perma-Kegal always three steps ahead of everyone, manipulating situations to be safe and get approval. Her anger may be an expression of her frustration that you don’t step up enough. Or it could be as a child her mom never made her feel safe and secure. Or, maybe her Dad stepped up TOO much, dominating and manipulating her growing up so her survival strategy is to NEVER let a man control her again. It would make sense that her wound complements your wound… painstakingly uncomfortable for you to face conflict and for her to surrender… make sense?
When she’s in her masculine, powerful work role at home, she’s most likely trying to stay in control to feel safe. She’s not feeling secure enough to let go and allow you or Life to support her. She’s doing it all herself which is super hard and exhausting. She may breathe shallow, her voice may be nasal and not a deep velvety resonance from her open relaxed belly. To begin to get her ‘home’, place your firm loving hand on her shoulder as you listen. No rubbing, be still. Chin somewhat down. Just make her feel safe, seen and heard.
What’s required is you be MORE direct, certain, unwavering and masculine than she is, so she can surrender, let you lead for a while, and be guided back home into her body and heart. Noble man… warning: she may not have felt safe in her body EVER. Or at least for a very long time. So be patient and don’t take things personally. Honor and listen to what she’s saying with the certainty of a King, not a wanna-be King. Hold the banks of the river yet don’t allow abusive language. That’s completely unacceptable for either of you and one of the greatest precursors for divorce… lack of respect. If abusive language occurs say something like, “Hey, we agreed to hit above the belt. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Tell me more.”
Have you found your true masculine capacity to guide her into sexual surrender?
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Holding power at home doesn’t mean leaving the kindness and wisdom of your heart! It’s not about being more forceful or overpowering. It’s not about justifying or defending against her. Instead be a sure hearted, confident, knowing, present, grounded, strong and open. If she normally makes dinner, tomorrow night tell you have dinner handled. Take her hand to the bath you’ve run for her as you listen to her. No more walking on egg shells. Straighten your posture, breathe deep in your belly and look at her with a loving yet almost primal smile. Joy is allowed! Keep letting her talk about her day as you lower the lights, undress her and guide her into the bath. When you hear her first exhale, tell her how gorgeous she is. Be specific. Especially when her hair falls on her shoulders, when she exhales so beautifully. Whatever is true for you. Give her space to soften, open, let go… while you make dinner or order take out.
Next, great man, let’s talk sex. Are you having great sex? Any sex? Have you found your true masculine capacity to guide her into sexual surrender? Are you more comfortable in the gentleness of your sensual energy, but not as much in your dark sexual energy? Have you unknowingly hurt a woman and vowed never again to be too erotically aggressive? Has a woman hurt you and you’re still suffering from the cruelty? I sense your heart is huge, yet you seem timid and unable thus far to breathe through conflict to reach resolution. Does she hold her ‘royally pissed off’ explosions over your head to control you?
Can you navigate her emotional ‘weather’ and not lose yourself? From coaching men for 17 yrs., I know there is a place inside you where Dark meets Heart. It’s where, as the Captain of your ship, you stay present at the helm through hellish storms, all the way through to the morning where a pink sunrise graces calm waters. This capacity provides the space for her to release her storm with honor, then soften, open and surrender into your arms.
How on earth do you get there?
1. Heal Your Wounded Heart. You will not solve this in your head or you already would have. (see a therapist, coach)
2. Release Negativity, stored up thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories and energy. (body work, breath work)
3. Heal Sexual Shame and awaken the potent energy of your pelvis. (somatic work, a coach, tantra class)
(and to warp speed your transformation?)
4. Live Your Calling. This is not a job title but the true inner noble essence of who you are, navigating the unknown and embracing the adventure of the mystery of being alive. (men’s group, coach)
5. Then PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE!!
And here’s the KEY: You must show up fully while completely letting go of control. You can’t control her! You can’t fix her (she’s not broken anyways, nor are you xoxo). You can’t ever change her free will. So bottom line as you do your inner work, she may change, yet she may not. If she does, awesome! If she doesn’t, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed or you’re not powerful enough. It means your sacred contract with her may be complete. Yet if you’ve done your work, you’ll be vibrating at the occiliation required for you to magnetize a partner who CAN and WILL surrender to your masculine grandeur. So either way, you’ve won.
So Mr. Ready to Hold the Power at Home, are you willing to be the best man you can be, give this marriage everything you’ve got, even though you can’t control the outcome? Remember that a piece of coal becomes a diamond through pressure. Having a powerful wife is the perfect catalyst to awaken your noble badass nature, that I sense deep down she craves and yearns for…I have total faith you can do this.
If you struggle with your masculine grandeur in your relationship, find solutions that work in my complementary Get Her To Say Yes Report & 4 Part Video Series. Click here: Get Her To Say Yes. If you’re ready to explore private coaching with a Tender Healer~Warrior of Peace~Loving Muse, email my [email protected] with the Subject Line: GMP sent me. Let’s connect.
Photo: Neil Moralee www.Flickr.com
The issue I have with this is it seems like your making it a power struggle.. that is the last thing that people need in relationships.. as soon as a relationship is down graded to power struggles it is doomed. It becomes about keeping score not unconditional love..and this article seems to be teaching men how to manipulate women in to what they want them to become or do for them.. men in their Divine Masculine don’t manipulate or play games. If a relationship has become one sided as far as making decisions .. if it has been that way… Read more »
What concerns me is why is he afraid of pissing his wife off royally? The behaviors described seem to be abusive. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’ve just internalized the abusers never change belief and it’s better to just leave. Maybe there are details I’ve missed or the author and I are working on different assumptions. She might be assuming the relationship was different and changed when the wife got a high paying job while I just disregard what I don’t know of their past and focus on what’s going on today. I’m still concerned that maybe part of it… Read more »
I’m like the guy in the letter. She has so hurt my heart that it is now guarded in a fortress. I tried opening up and sharing many times, both in conversation and in writing. The reaction was so painful that I now keep that inside, which hurts more… I don’t like going through life without being able to connect with my best friend anymore.
I’m constantly on egg shells.
“When mama’s happy, everyone’s happy” needs to go. To be truly equal both partners can’t be dancing on eggshells around the other, or the relationship is a waste of time and energy. Read Men On Strike by Helen Smith as to why men are opting out of marriage and relationships.
Powerful! Thank you.