“When men are unaware of their gender privilege, boundary violations occur,” writes psychologist Sandy Peace.
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There’s been a lot in the media about “rape culture” lately (#yesallwomen), and the topic of desire and consent has been on my mind. As a psychologist who has worked in university counseling, I too frequently hear stories of acquaintance rape, sexual assault, and sexual coercion. I have also worked with men who have perpetrated sexual boundary crossings and sexual violence, including men who did not know that what they did is considered sexual assault because the person they had sex with (usually a woman) did not say no.
It is to these men that I address this article.
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Let me start with a story. Several years ago, I witnessed an interaction between a mother and a son and my response was, “oh my goodness, this is a rapist in training.” Picture this: It’s a hot summer day. Mom is lounging in her swimsuit reading a book. Boy around age 5 is running around in his swim trunks. Boy asks mom for something. (I don’t even remember what.) She says no, not looking up from her book. Boy persists in asking. She says no, still not looking up. Boy’s requests become more persistent and loud. She becomes annoyed and ignores him. He runs up to her, engages her physically, demands to get what he wants. She looks at him, rolls her eyes, yells back “fine,” and gives it to him.
The lesson: If you persist, and intensify the request, a no becomes a yes. It makes sense: to get what you want, you have to ask for it. “Don’t take no for an answer” is a quality our society values and reinforces in men. But when when does no really mean no? In the mother son/ interaction, which some might label “bratty behavior,” I call reinforcing boundary violations and getting your desires met regardless of what the other person wants. Too often, when men are unaware of their gender privilege, boundary violations occur.
Case in point: I am friends with a heterosexual couple who have been together for several years. He is extroverted and charismatic. She is more introverted and withholding of her emotions. They are both social people who get along well with others. He is constantly making requests of her and his friends to get his needs met. “Can I borrow that? Will you get me a glass of water while you’re up.” Harmless, right? Except when he starts asking for things that are an inconvenience for others and benefit him at their expense. I noticed him asking his partner to do something for him that clearly made her uncomfortable, though she acquiesced. I asked him if he noticed her response – he did – and why he asked if he knew it might make her uncomfortable. His response – “I ask for what I want, and if people don’t want to do it, they can just say no.”
If the answer is maybe, back off. If the answer is “pause……pause…..yes?’ back off. If you are met with silence, stop.
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If only it were that easy. This might work for “equals” – men relating to men – but even then the hierarchy of males defines who’s on top. When making a request of someone with less social privilege than you, I would recommend taking their needs and ability to say no into account before making the request and ask only when there’s a low risk of them being taken advantage of. Why? When a woman says no to a man, she gets labeled frigid, uptight, selfish, bitchy, etc., etc. Women are socially conditioned to please others; to take care of others’ needs at the sacrifice of their own. This is a virtue. It is what maintains relationships. We can’t say no. And this power dynamic contributes to unintentional sexual violations.
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Many men view sexual consent this way: “if she doesn’t want it, she will say no.” But how many times has she already said no and you just didn’t hear it? Like the little boy above, some men are trained to persist – to not take no for an answer – until women find it so emotionally distressing they may say yes just to make the pressure stop.
Add to this that women are not allowed to own or express sexual desire – leaving men to guess at what we want and women to seek out “dominant” men and “bad boys” who will initiate so we can “surrender” without being a slut. (It is not uncommon for women with intense shame around their sexual desire to fantasize about “being taken” as a way to sidestep that shame and put the responsibility for their sexual activity on men. Romance novel writers have banked on this phenomenon.) As more women become expressive of their sexual desire, many men feel “emasculated,” “pressured,” or just plain freaked out by women’s requests. No wonder men are confused – am I supposed to be a man and “take her” or be a nice guy and wait for a green light from her but never get any? What’s the third option?
Another layer is that women are trained to please men, and that sex is a way to please, and keep, your man. Within a monogamous framework, men can play the “if you don’t have sex with me, someone else will” card – indirectly if not in words. Even if a woman can financially sustain herself if her partner leaves, it feels pretty shitty to have the “put out or get out” dynamic in a relationship. (Sex is power for women, which is why some women dating men who respect their sexual boundaries use withholding sex as a way to gain power in the relationship. But that’s another topic.)
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And, have you noticed the trend in size/strength difference between men and women? Women are keenly aware of sexual and physical violence and are taught about it from an early age. In the back of our monkey brains, we know that if a man really wants to he can overpower us physically. And sometimes it’s better to say yes than face that possibility.
Which brings me to a HUGE reason why women don’t say no when they don’t want sex: prior trauma has created a “freeze response” in threatening situations. It’s basic biology: when we perceive a threat, our fight or flight system kicks in, and we kick ass or run like hell to get away. When these two options are not feasible, it’s system shutdown and we play dead. Freeze becomes the initial response when people have endured persistent trauma that is inescapable – like parents constantly arguing, childhood sexual abuse, even being teased by peers. “Trauma” runs the gamut from your life being imminently in danger to your authentic self being ridiculed (i.e a boy who is good at drawing being told he isn’t supposed to draw because “that’s gay” or “that’s for girls”.)
How this relates to sexual boundary crossing is that when someone is pressured to do something they don’t want to do, and feels like they can’t say no or escape (for emotional reasons or fears, not just physical force), they bypass the fight/flight response that allows them to say “no” out loud, hold the boundary, or leave the situation, and they go immediately into freeze. Then the guy is happy fucking a woman who has very likely dissociated – she is experiencing a cognitive/emotional separation from her physical sensations as a means of “numbing out” for protection. What sounds and looks like consent is actually the person saying no physically and psychologically, when they can’t say no verbally.
Most men I know would be horrified to discover they had violated someone’s sexual boundaries in this way. Many men get angry and feel blamed when a woman tells them this has occurred – “she should have told me no!” It’s easier to blame the person who didn’t say no than to own the fact that you didn’t wait for a yes – and that you made a mistake.
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So, the simple answer is express your desire and wait for a yes. If the answer is no, back off a step from the current intimacy level or ask if what you’re doing right now is ok and proceed with caution IF it’s a yes. If the answer is maybe, back off. If the answer is “pause……pause…..yes?’ back off. If you are met with silence, stop.
If you are engaging in sexual intimacy (and it could be as innocent as kissing or caressing her breast) and your sexual partner looks glazed over, out of it, is not actively participating, or does not seem engaged physically, with eye contact, or verbally, she may have dissociated. If that is the case – stop what you are doing immediately because you have already gone too far!
This is when you can go into “after care” mode. Ask if she wants to be touched or held, or if she wants some physical distance. Every woman is different, and it might change each time, so ask. Cover her with a blanket. Get her a glass of water. She might cry. That is ok. Take a deep breath and just be there with her. Wait until she is able to clearly articulate what is going on for her. She may not be able to for quite some time – or at all.
Even if the clothes are off and she says no mid-thrust, if you don’t stop immediately (“wait a minute, I’m about to cum!), it’s a sexual boundary violation.
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And here’s the part where – as a therapist and feminist – it gets tricky: someone who has a trauma reaction is responsible for their own healing, not you. At some point, they are responsible for saying no and holding the boundary, including learning to recognize and avoid situations that are likely to be re-traumatizing. This is different from blaming the victim, which sounds like “you were asking to get raped by getting drunk wearing that!” It is holding survivors accountable for their own mental health and empowering survivors to care for themselves. To clarify: it is my belief that someone should be able to be passed out naked on the floor and get help, not be raped. Sadly, this is not how the world works. So it is a delicate balance for survivors of sexual trauma to say “I didn’t deserve this and I’m not responsible for it happening – the person who violated my boundaries is” and saying “I am not going to put myself in dangerous situations where I am likely to be hurt.” It is not realistic for survivors to ask the world – including you – to not do anything traumatizing, as what is traumatizing for one person is not for another. It is also essential to hold perpetrators of sexual violence accountable for their actions AND to educate men (to educate everyone, really!) about how to respect personal/sexual boundaries.
You can take responsibility for your part. Consider your partner’s needs as well as your own, check your privilege, and if there’s doubt about their consent, stop. Improve your emotional intelligence and learn to pick up on body language that indicates a No when your partner may have difficulty voicing a No. Go slow, ask about boundaries, express desire and get permission before proceeding (i.e. “May I kiss you?” vs. after kissing her “Is it ok that I kissed you?) Before sex happens, clarify what she needs if she does start to dissociate during sex. A caring partner can be a valuable ally in the healing process.
This level of communication doubly applies with a hook up or new partner. Alcohol makes consent difficult – some would argue impossible. My personal policy is “don’t drink and fuck” but that doesn’t work for everyone. So, if you’ve had a few drinks and are feeling frisky, you can ask her what she is and isn’t down to do before before you leave the party, and for sure before the clothes come off!! But, even if the clothes are off and she says no mid-thrust, if you don’t stop immediately (“wait a minute, I’m about to cum!), it’s a sexual boundary violation.
Most importantly, cultivate your own sense of worthiness to have love and sex in your life and empowerment to ask for sex and be ok if the answer is no. A sexual romp is much more satisfying when the person is a willing and eager participant.
Photo Credit: Flickr–Nina Matthews
Gosh Sandy, thank you for the best damn article on consent I have ever seen. I’m a psychotherapist in private practice and have had some disturbing experiences lately, where I’ve learned that the male members of my heterosexual couples clients have essentially been committing sexual assualt within the context of their marriage. I have been scouring the internet for resources on consent and intimacy that don’t demean either party, aren’t overly simplistic, aren’t geared solely toward teens or dating relationships, and ask each member of the relationship to take responsibility for their actions – within the larger contexts of a… Read more »
While agree this is a topic that needs to be hashed out I think I disagree with hanging this (the nuances of consent) on male privilege. It sounds like you’re saying the men being unaware of who women perceive situations (ie male privilege) is why men end up violating women’s sexual boundaries unintentionally. I don’t think that’s it really. You touch on it at the end though: Most importantly, cultivate your own sense of worthiness to have love and sex in your life and empowerment to ask for sex and be ok if the answer is no. A sexual romp… Read more »
Why do you take care to specifically mention that both the boy and the mother are wearing swimsuits?
Sandy, There is a case at, iirc, Occidental College (I can nail it down if you wish) where a woman who had consensual sex with a man, who had him meet her parents for dinner, and later found out he was seeing another woman, then insisted that one of the earlier consensual events had been forced. So, yes, regrets later on impressed the college and he was expelled. If you don’t like this, you have a lot of work to do with college administrators. Because this and other unbelievable circumstancesare actionable under the DoE and DoJ guidelines (Title IX) and… Read more »
As a 26-year-old woman, I was able to completely track and understand what Dr. Sandy is talking about. I don’t feel Dr. Peace was trying to attack men or portray them or women badly, but rather to bring to light a perspective about women that women don’t really talk about, and most men probably don’t know about.
My friends and I have been discussing the “consent in the moment” / “regret the next day” concept. Where I’m at with it at this moment is that regret does not equal nonconsent. Sometimes we say yes to things that in retrospect were a bad idea. It’s not ok to blame others or not take responsibility for our choices/actions if something we said yes to we later find regrettable. So, I believe consent is something given in the moment and cannot be retroactively changed a yes to a no just because we regret it. For instance, you consent to not… Read more »
Your understanding of privilege is sorely lacking. I assume you have never heard of female privilege. Dating and sexual relations are rife with it.
Please elaborate. And example would be great.
Also I see there is a huge amount of censorship going on in this comment section. Does the article not stand up to robust argument that it requires the removal of dissenting opinion?
Hi Josh. I want to address you concern. I checked in with the moderators of the site who let me know that sometimes the site refreshes while people comment and it doesn’t get logged. This is a terrible problem on the GMP. My/our apologies if something you wrote got lost in the vortex.
That’s not true. If that were really true, then how is it that people saw my comment and were able to quote from it, but it’s no longer in the comment section?
Nothing in my post was any more inflammatory than what you’ve posted, and yet it’s disappeared from the comment section.
Definitly not ture I posted a much longer version of my above post and saw it on the page. I came back some time later and it was gone.
Sandy is a persistant 5 year old girl a rapist in the making? Your analogy is disgusting to say the least.
And under what circumstance does yes actually mean yes?
or does everyman assume that any woman who says yes may infact want to say no? Are women so lacking in agency as to not be able to speak their mind?
Oh right patriachy and shit.
Josh, please see my response to Richard above, as it address these concerns.
Oh i read that rubbish. Perhaps I should ask where is the study that shows that boys who display the same behavoir grow up to be predetors? Your feminist psycological bullcrap is hateful. This reads like more feminist clap trap of try to expand the definition of rape to include sex where the woman says yes. Yet you will call women using force and coercion just unwanted sex not rape. We have had 50 years of feminist rubbish and if we ask feminists the problems women face are getting worse. Whats the feminist solution – More feminism. And please cite… Read more »
When I was in college there was a fire and brimstone preacher named Brother Jed Smock who would come on campus every year like clockwork. He and his wife Sister Cindy would tell us we were all sinners and fornicators who were going straight to hell unless we fell down on our knees and repented.
Whenever I hear someone say “check your privilege”, it reminds me of them.
Hmm..well, it’s good to know your filters on the world. I’m personally sex positive, and try to be aware of how power and privilege are playing a role in my relationship dynamics.
I think of myself as sex positive as well. It just bothers me that “Check your privilege” has become just another slogan like, “Mission Accomplished”, “Stay The Course” and “Yes We Can”. It requires no actual thought and has been used to shut down any kind of real debate. I don’t mind people disagreeing with me, but I prefer thought to slogans. Fundamentalists like Smock use “Come To Jesus” or “Submit To Allah” as theirs.
Point taken. How about – “I invite you to take a critical look at how your dominant and target identities and those of the people you are interacting with are contributing to this situation and how you might mitigate power imbalances so a more just, equal, an respect interaction can take place?”
Thanks for the reply. I meant to ask if you have ever been accused of having privilege simply because you are a white female, and how you felt about that. Also, have you read Men On Strike by Helen Smith? If not, give it a look.
This article reduces women to children, with no agency, no power and absolutely no responsibility for their action or in actions and frankly as a grown woman it is extremely insulting.
I am responsible for my actions and for my in actions.
Yes, you’re absolutely right – until someone forces you. Then you have no control. Your power is stripped from you. You are not responsible – they are. That sucks and is life altering.
When I see little girls working their parents as the boy you described did, what am I seeing in training?
@ Frank “this should be a some people are just selfish jerks thing.” I think she acknowledges that, bit that article won’t ever appear on GMP. “Sex is power for women, which is why some women dating men who respect their sexual boundaries use withholding sex as a way to gain power in the relationship. But that’s another topic.” Her point is that some people don’t intend to hurt others and they need to unlearn the things which facilitate that. I didn’t want to address the aholes in my comment so I’m not addressing women who with hold sex for… Read more »
They apparently deleted my comment, which isn’t terribly surprising given all the pro-feminist BS that pops up on the site.
Expecting people to understand that no means no is perfectly reasonable, but expecting people to understand that the person that’s voluntarily having sex with them doesn’t want the sex is fundamentally unreasonable.
But thats part of the feminist sexual frame work. I woman’s experience past, present or future under feminist philosiphy (i use that loosely) is soley based on her feelings. Only women a can decide if sex took place. The burden of proof is on the man that he did not in fact rape anyone. A man cannot simply have sex with a woman. Sandy believes men take advantage of ‘male privelege’ to exert power over women for sex. She believes men are being ‘trained to persit’. Who is doing this teaching? If. Women have always been the gate keepers of… Read more »
Great question, Richard. This really got me thinking. Developmentally speaking, children are ego-centric. They care about their own needs more than others, and have to be taught how to empathize with other’s needs and recognize/respect other’s boundaries. So, a girl who persists is trying to get her needs met, just like the boy in the example. The (potential) difference in outcome is gendered. There is great research about girls who were independent, strong willed, and demonstrated agency in their lives as children, who have a complete reversal when they start entering their tweens and teens – when their sexuality starts… Read more »
Here’s something I’ve asked other feminists before and they haven’t answered. I know that it’s easy when we talk and focus on the extremes, but the questions get more difficult when they’re on the margins. There was a question on feministing. When does a woman owe you sex? The answer they came back with was essentially never. Although I agree with the premise that a person has an absolute right to establish their boundaries and have those respected and a person is not owed sex in any specific, single situation, I still that that during the course of a committed… Read more »
John, this is certainly a valid and difficult question to answer. The issue of difference in sex drive within a relationship is one that can have very detrimental effects on a long-term, monogamous relationship. The idea of “owing” someone sex has an undertone of “ownership” to me – wifely duties if you will. (Or husbandly duties if the woman has a higher sex drive.) This is a tricky dance to do. There are defiantly some people who navigate this difference by consenting to have sex even when their desire is absent in order to satisfy their partner’s needs. The key… Read more »
Since it is now very important to emphasize that people are not entitled to sex, then perhaps “needs” is not the best term to use when describing somebody’s sexual expectations.
If nobody is ever “entitled” to sex with any person, and nobody is ever obligated to “give” sex to any person, then sex cannot be a “need” or necessity.
Jen, I wholeheartedly agree that some women are great communicators about their sexual desire and their boundaries. As you stated, many women are conflicted about their desire, and many women are not culturally reinforced for asking for what they want or knowing/ sticking to their boundaries. They (we) are too often met with slut-shaming when we do. I would love to see a cultural shift where people of all genders can celebrate and express our sexuality freely and with consent. So, here we are having the discussion! Thank you!!
I agree with a lot of this, but I fear the author goes a little too far in talking about women , a bit, as delicate flowers who can’t be expected to clearly communicate. I think women often feel conflicted about sex and therefore may send mixed messages. Which is a good reason for men to be careful around issues of consent. But we also need to encorage women to be clear about their needs and boundaries. Women are given a lot of lessons about saying no, but not much about how to say “yes.” Also, many women who are… Read more »