Patrick Sallee was so offended by an article on how to train your husband that he had to respond.
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Recently, Men’s Health magazine ran an article that caught my attention, “How to Build a Better Dad.” I expected this would be the standard how to be a better dad stuff. Wow was I surprised. It starts off with what I can only assume to be self-deprecating humor about the author’s lack of readiness to be a father, but finishes with every stereotype, sexist attitude, and insulting observations ever assembled in one place.
The article is targeted at women, although many I know were equally offended. The opening encourages the reader to “beware of dad bashing”… however, this isn’t because dads aren’t idiots who don’t deserve bashing, it’s because bashing your idiot husband/father of your child isn’t helpful for creating the father he needs to be. You need to stop bashing him and start training him.
Ladies, here is what Men’s Health says you need to know to build a better dad:
1. Manage dad like he is an employee, just give him tasks that fit his abilities … and since he’s a man, those should be simple and require strength.
2. Even though your childhood was similar to an internship in parenting, you know, because you’re a woman … don’t dominate parenting decisions. Give him some meaningless shit to do to make him feel like he’s contributing.
3. Have sex with him. A lot. Seriously, it says this. Actually, it points out this is the “single most important thing you can do.”
4. Only give him manly tasks. Don’t ask him to color or glue. Or “don’t send Dad out on any mission that involves juggling several intricate, delicate, and emotionally tricky situations.”
5. Remember, he’s not a woman. He can bond with his daughter over sports now … you know, Title IX … so don’t ask him to get involved in her teenage drama or taking her shopping.
6. Write instructions down and keep them simple. Remember, he’s an idiot!
I remember the first night my ex-wife and I got home with our twin daughters. The day was going well, but then it was mealtime. They wouldn’t take a drop from the bottles we had in the house. None of them. Did Mom instinctively know what to do? No, and neither did I. All out panic ensued. They are hungry! They won’t eat! We rush to target to purchase two of every kind of bottle in the place—one of these has to work, right?! We hope they don’t die of hunger during this 30-minute trip. This may sound exaggerated, but I promise you the panic was real. And neither gender has a lock on the perfect parenting instincts.
The truth is, men not only have sound parenting skills from the start, they’re also capable of doing creative projects with their kids.
Countless fathers:
Buy clothes for our girls, sometimes without anyone even there to advise.
Handle coloring, painting and even glitter projects.
Participate in father/daughter dance at her recital.
Go to the grocery store without a list created by our much smarter spouse.
Manage children during emotionally difficult situations.
As a divorced dad, particularly of girls, I take this article personally. It is my duty and my joy to find ways to bond with my children over whatever interests they have and activities they like. It isn’t about me. Men aren’t simple, monosyllabic, grunts who only handle the physical labor. We’re human beings.
It isn’t anyone’s job to train me, or relieve me of duties that aren’t “manly.” You know what is manly? Providing for your children. Being present. Showing them love. Love they understand and feel every single day. Building their confidence and telling them you are proud of them. So stop trying to tell us how to build a better dad and start recognizing that great dads are everywhere.
Photo—Marie Hale/Flickr
Nice article, Patrick. My European husband was shocked when he began to read American children’s books to my kids and saw that the dads are made out to be idiots. Keep up the great work.
I agree this is an important article! But, male bashing has NOTHING to do with feminism. I’m a feminist through and through and I agree with this article. I raised 3 sons (as well as a daughter) and I think they are all competent human beings. On the other hand, my daughter-in-law who has what I would consider “conservative” values and would have nothing to do with feminism, constantly engages in male bashing, telling her husband he doesn’t know how to raise his kids BECAUSE he is a man – and he should therefore do what she tells him.
Then it’s obvious that she doesn’t have conservative “values.”
I wish this site had a “thumbs up” or a “like” button because the two of you would be getting both.
You’re right Amy, this is admittedly a fe min is t site. They make no bones about it.
Bobbt, my dad did ALL the food chopping when I was growing up. But mom did most of the cooking because my dad worked and she stayed home. But when we were camping, which was often, mt dad did all the cooking. He and my mom shopped for our clothes (7 of us).
Why is anyone surprised? This is par for the course. Even sites/publications that claim to be for men are extremely feminist in nature when you get down to it. No one wants to offend women but they are all too eager to make sexist and stereotypical statements about men. As long as men don’t organize and start fighting against this and all other areas where they are left with the short end of the stick, these kinds of articles like the one in “men’s health” and depictions of men as simple bumbling idiots will continue despite a few objections like… Read more »
Amy, the problem is Men don’t fight for themselves in general. Unless they’re being actually physically assaulted, (most) men upon being verbally dismissed as incompetent,(by females) will simply choose to walk away. In my own opinion (absolutely NO date to back it up) this is perhaps a major reason for the widening of the gulf between men and women and is a contributing factor to the fact that according to our last census, there are more people living alone in this country than at any other time in our history.
We are now day three that this article was published and it only has our three responses. This could mean a couple of things. One that stands out is that men who have in the past (or present) who question the content of some of these articles, are turned off. The proverbial “pissing in the breeze” has brought me to a point where I only occasionally come to this site any more. There are other sites that I find far more stimulating, especially for debating and commenting. I appreciate the effort of the writer to make things straight. “Men’s Health”… Read more »
That should have said “three days.”
Tom, please tell me these other sites. I’d like to ‘expand my horizons’.
bobbt, The sites that I go to are more news worthy sites, dealing with various topics and issues. They range from very liberal to very conservative. I’ve yet had any of my responses monitored much less removed.
The fucking Men’s Health article was written by a man. You are bringing “women are all too eager to make sexist and stereotypical statements about men” out of absolute ignorance, or maybe problems. As if most of the sexist comments I (and the rest of the world) read all over the internet from American people weren’t from straight men talking shit about women. And very deep, misogynistic shit. Sure, they also love humiliating gay guys somehow. They don’t seem scared at all, much to the contrary, they feel cool, empowered and happy for being uncivilized misogynistic shits. Not so much… Read more »
Abril, FYI, men are f em in ists too.
Hey Tom, I gonna respond as a women like Abril. You can say anything you want and not be ‘moderated’ out!
Yeah, even though the title is Mens Health, they’re a Feminist publication (kind of like Jezebel) who like to put men down more than occasionally. Like you, I’m a father of girls (3) and I did almost ALL the food shopping as wells as cooking dinner most nights. Taking my daughters cloths shopping was a challenge only for the reason I got dirty looks for hanging around the changing rooms (even an occasional “May I help you” from a store worker). From the day my oldest was born, I totally threw myself into being the best parent I could be… Read more »
Men’s Health are not a feminist publication. That article was not a feminist article. For the love of all that is holy stop thinking that feminism means bashing dudes. Feminism is about believing in equality – something the article seems to believe isn’t possible – and knocking down gender stereotypes.
Any article that tells you women are “raised from girlhood to be mothers” but men are just blundering idiots is not feminist.
“Feminism is about believing in equality” There is a difference between talking the talk and walking the walk…. I don’t see much walking.
Yes, you probably see women talking about their issues and read it as “complaining” and as nothing relevant. Whatever.
bobbt, just to let you know something you already know: they aren’t a feminist publication. Not at all. Jezebel isn’t a feminist publication as well, by the way.
If Men’s Health likes “to put men down more than occasionally” that’s their problem, go complain to them. Don’t spread lies and be a dishonest jerk because of your own issues with activism for women’s issues.
Abril, you speak volumes. And in so far as feminist publications? You can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig. You can label something as “Men’s” anything but if the motivations are directly or indirectly influenced by f em in ism, then it’s is what it is.
I respect GMP, (may not always agree with them) they have made it known that they are a f em in ist site.
Jezabel? “Editor Anna Holmes originally set out to make Jezebel “unapologetically feminist”
This was great! I, too, wrote a response to this article, but yours is much better and deserved to see the light of day far more than mine did 🙂