Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm

The benefits can have a huge ripple effect.

This was previously published on Head Butler.

A review of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, the new book by Nicole Daedone.

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Buy from Amazon< “Women who think they’re going to learn anything from Fifty Shades of Gray are wasting their time. They’d do better to read Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm.’”

I read that on a message board.

So I bought Nicole Daedone’s book.

On page 1: “I teach a practice called Orgasmic Meditation. It’s a way that any man can bring out the orgasm in any woman, in just fifteen minutes.”

Would you read on?

Very quickly I learned that orgasm, for Daedone, is not the moment of climax. It’s the entire experience of sex. It’s the way sexual potency is “a source of power,” an “entry point” to joyful living, a “gateway” to a deeper connection with your lover.

Sounds good?

Or would you prefer to learn, from “50 Shades,” how to enjoy being whipped with a riding crop, shackled and fisted?

Given that choice, any reasonable woman — or any man involved with a woman who prefers improved reality to romance novel fantasy — would ask: So what is the technique?

It’s not sex. It’s not even foreplay. After 15 minutes, you get up and leave. It’s just what Daedone says it is — meditation. But because we’re talking about orgasm, you do it with your body. [To buy the paperback from Amazon, click here. For the Kindle edition, click here.]

Or rather, you do it with the woman’s body — because the man remains fully clothed. She removes her pants. Lies down. Spreads her legs. From there, he does everything. Looking. Stroking. Talking.

But however much I may be a man of the world, I blush to tell you the specifics. So please watch Nicole Daedone’s TED Talk (yes, she made a presentation at TedxSF). I’d suggest that you start at 5:30 and cut out around the 10-minute mark.

Let’s take a breath here and address a different question: Who is Nicole Daedone and why should you pay attention to her?

From The New York Times (yes, she was profiled in the Times):

Ms. Daedone’s early career was hardly alternative: she studied semantics at San Francisco State University and then donned her pearls to help found an art gallery. But at 27, her world came crashing down when she learned that her father, from whom she was largely estranged, was dying of cancer in prison, after being convicted of molesting two young girls.

“Everything in my reality just collapsed,” she said. “My body turned to stone and crumbled.”

Her father had not behaved inappropriately toward her, Ms. Daedone said; on the contrary, he was a distant figure.

“There had been a way I felt close to him in this felt way, and then all of the sudden he would shut down,” she said. “I later came to understand that he was trying to protect me from himself, from his pathology.”

Her pathway back to life was initially Buddhism, which she pursued with a vengeance, intending to live in a Zen community. But at a party in 1998, she met a Buddhist who had a practice in what he called “contemplative sexuality.”

What she got from taking off her pants, being stroked and talked to was nothing less than a revelation. She discovered that women are entitled to ask for what they want, that paying attention to female pleasure rewards the man as well as the woman, and that the benefits of orgasm can have a huge ripple effect: “It will be turned on women around the world, and those that dare to stroke us, that will change the world, feeding the desire for connection that we all have.”

This is powerful stuff. I know because when I described Daedone’s technique to some women of the world, they all found reasons to balk. He doesn’t have to be your lover? He looks at you? He talks to you? And then you leave?

Hey, I also felt huge resistance. But then I considered two of the chapters in this book.

The first is “What Men Should Know About Women.” Among her points:

— “Women want to have sex just as much as men — just not the sex that’s on the menu.”
— “What she really wants is access to your attention.”
— “Women have no idea how much men love them.”
— “She doesn’t want ‘her’ way, she wants ‘our’ way.”

The second is “What Women Should Know About Men.” Among her points:

— “Men experience acknowledgment through a woman’s happiness.”
— “Nice is the trump card.”
— “Say it to a man every time like it’s the first time.”
— “Men get confused when women withhold information.”

This stuff makes sense. I can’t speak to the genius of the meditation technique, but I’m sure that Nicole Daedone has a few things exactly right. I know I don’t want to be “handled.” I don’t want a woman to fake her pleasure. I want sex to affirm us, not just get me off.

Is this technique for you? It’s your call. I can only offer advice on a related topic: confusing the messenger with the message.

In the mid-1970s, I wrote a piece about Werner Erhard that put a serious dent in his business. Too bad it didn’t shut him down. Not because est was bullshit — Erhard was a very clever guy, and he very adroitly appropriated the smartest tech of other disciplines — but because he so fundamentally disrespected his customers. He could hardly avoid it. Someone who likes to stand in front of a large audience telling them how it really is tends to have some deep needs that, for all the sharing, never get shared with his/her disciples.

And so it may be with Nicole Daedone.  I have no problem with her book — you buy it, you take it or leave it. But I’m not sure you need to pay $49 for a “badge” that gives you greater access to her web site. Do you really need OM Stroke Lube?  Or theOneTaste Signature OM Kit? More seriously, I note that several people who are no longer affiliated with her now speak about her crusade as a cult. If so, curb your enthusiasm.

As for the book and the technique, I can’t fault her words: “Whatever you do, make sure you’re doing it out of desire. It’s the only compass you’ve been given in this world, and you can trust it. It may not lead you where you thought you were going, but it will never lead you astray.”

 

More from Sex and Relationships, here.

—Photo credit: Proxy Indian/Flickr

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About Jesse Kornbluth

Jesse Kornbluth is is a New York-based writer and editor of HeadButler.com, a cultural concierge site he launched in 2004. As a magazine journalist, he has been a contributing editor for Vanity Fair, New York and Architectural Digest. As an author, his books include Airborne: The Triumph and Struggle of Michael Jordan; Highly Confident: The Crime and Punishment of Michael Milken and Pre-Pop Warhol. As a screenwriter, he has written for Robert De Niro, Paul Newman and PBS. On the Web, he co-founded Bookreporter.com. From 1997 to 2002, he was Editorial Director of America Online.

Comments

  1. On page 1: “I teach a practice called Orgasmic Meditation. It’s a way that any man can bring out the orgasm in any woman, in just fifteen minutes.”
    Would you read on?

    Change that to “partner” and there would probably be even more ready to read on.

    • Aw, I could hug you for that, Danny. :) Anyway, on to the rest:

      “Or would you prefer to learn, from “50 Shades,” how to enjoy being whipped with a riding crop, shackled and fisted?”

      Sounds a bit judgemental, there. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying being shackled and fisted. That’s what does it for some people.

      Also, the list of “What men/women should know about women/men” seems a bit like it’d apply the other way around too. Like this bit: “Men get confused when women withhold information.” Well yeah, and women get confused when men do this…and men get confused when men do this….and women get confused when women do this…etc.

      In general, without having read the book, this whole thing just seems so very prescriptive. This is how men are; this is how women are; this is how best to achieve orgasm for women. Far too prescriptive for my liking. Also, as Danny pointed out, far too heteronormative.

      • Sounds a bit judgemental, there. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying being shackled and fisted. That’s what does it for some people.
        Damn straight.

        Now about that comment of mine above. Let me give you the long version.

        (GtlW1*) – Dude I don’t understand women. Do you have any advice?
        (GtlW2) – Man I wish I did. If you find out let me know.
        (GtlW1) – Sure thing.
        (WtlW) – Did I hear you guys promising to share info on women when you get it? Can I get in on that too? I’d like to understand them better too.
        (GtlW2) – What do you need in on this for? You have inside-
        (WtlW) – I know what you’re about to say. No it doesn’t work like that. So can I get in on this or not?
        (GtlW1) – Well she does like women. (Or at least that’s what it says in the script.)
        (GtlW2) – True.
        (GtlW1) – And women can be hard to understand. So I guess it stands to reason that there would be women that don’t understand women.
        (GtlW2) – True.

        GtlW = Guy that likes women
        WtlW = Woman that likes women

        • lol. It’s so true. We’re getting a bit off topic, but I’ve always found it so messed up that we have this idea that women are like these totally different creatures from men, and that men are these totally different creatures from women. As if they’re almost separate species with separate languages, and somehow lgb people have a secret knowledge on how to understand the other, strange, species or whatever.

          It’s all bollocks, really. People are flipping complicated, and sometimes people do things and say things that make no sense to anyone else.

  2. EarsWithFeet says:

    Why does the orgasmic meditation need to be dependent on a partner in the first place? I admire her desire to educate women about the empowerment one can achieve as a result from such powerful a orgasm, but shouldn’t real empowerment come from yourself? Why do you need someone else to bring you to that place she describes as wanting to be able to live in and share with the rest of the world? Of course, it would be fantastic experiencing that with a partner, but the typical western women she describes coming to her for help who can’t fathom the curing power of an orgasm seem to need a perosnal education first. In my opinion, she seems to be indirectly repeating this idea that women should be dependent on a partner for their own sexual education, which wouldn’t be true liberation.

  3. So… she undresses, but I don’t? She lies down and I do everything? Count me out, thank you very much.

  4. Kirsten (in MT) says:

    It sounds formulaic, generic, and sterile.

  5. Chicago-JSO says:

    This article seems far too simplistic, furthermore rather than empowering women it further dis-empowers them by making the responsibility for their sexual pleasure fall entirely on the man. This simply perpetuates the idea that men are responsible for women’s sex lives and sexual satisfaction. This is bad for men because it puts undue pressure on the man to perform at an increasingly super-hero level but it also damages women’s ability to truly own their sexuality by saying that all their sexual problems can be blamed on the man not being a “slow” lover. A book which truly empowered women would be one which encouraged them to learn how to become aroused more easily, one which encouraged them to masturbate and explore their sexuality, and one which encouraged ownership of their own sexuality not a reiteration of the tired old blame your bad sex life on your boyfriend/husband mantra.

    • Lolabunny says:

      When people are having sex, why not trying to focus on your partner’s pleasure? I like to think I am being responsible for making my partner feel pleasure and achieve orgasm, that is why I have sex – so we can please each other. No person needs to “perform at an increasingly super-hero level” to please a woman, come on. They just want someone that puts effort into their grooming and presentation as much as them (maybe a little less, they are more forgiving), that will maybe be at least slightly sensual and try to focus on their wants and orgasmic spots for a while. Not that difficult at all. If most women had it (they don’t most men are not willing to be physically appealing to their women or even try to satisfy them enough), they would be able to become aroused much, much more easily. Just like most men.

  6. FlyingKal says:

    Ditto what everybody already said.

    She discovered that women are entitled to ask for what they want, that paying attention to female pleasure rewards the man as well as the woman, and that the benefits of orgasm can have a huge ripple effect: “It will be turned on women around the world, and those that dare to stroke us, that will change the world, feeding the desire for connection that we all have.”

    First of all, I like a “connection” with a woman to last a little bit more than just 15 minutes.
    Second, where’s the deeper connection, and the benefits, if it can be any random man that just up and leaves after 15 minutes??

  7. I haven’t read the book but just want to comment that I was always really good at giving myself an orgasm, when I was alone, but for years I had trouble reaching orgasm with a partner. I think I felt stressed out and pressured by the need to produce an orgasm on demand. I would start thinking “this is taking too long!” and that would be the death of it. I was also embarassed about losing control in front of someone else. It wasn’t until I had a really patient boyfriend who insisted one night that I lie there and relax completely while he stimulated me for as long as it took that I was finally able to get an orgasm with him. It took like 25 minutes the first time. No one had ever been that patient with me before. It was really amazing! So maybe this method has merit at least for some women.

    • FlyingKal says:

      I’m a bit curious as to your statement about It wasn’t until I had a really patient boyfriend who insisted one night …
      If YOU are the one feeling stressed out and pressured, I can’t automatically see where your partner’s patience come in to play in the equation?

      • Lolabunny says:

        She is the only one that could give more details, but I will try to explain: she always felt pressured and stressed out because she felt like she HAD to orgasm. Maybe, who knows, her past partners were just not willing to wait (stimulate her) for a longer period of time, what is really likely for most straight men. And feeling like you SHOULD orgasm in X minutes before your man just thinks that is enough stimulation for you or feels frustrated is very stressful. Many men just believe female orgasm is some kind of a gift she must give him, and not something he should be happy about for experiencing with her and above all, for her to be able to experience. That is her pleasure first, that could be his pleasure as well (if he is one of these rare giving men), not only his ego-booster!
        Now when she had a patient boyfriend, who didn’t pressure her and just went for as long as she needed, that was easy! That is what true intimacy is about.

        • Then I must be one of these “rare giving men”, even though I quite doubt if we are so rare.
          You’re making again a lot of assumptions, that fit your “men are shit” mantra. It would be as easy -or much easier- to turn it to the exact opposite of what you are saying.

          Dear women, if you feel unsatisfied with your partners sexual performance, TALK : tell him what you like, ask him what you need. You can do this the very moment, you can bring it up on a different time. Men are not mindreaders, and can often use some guidance. Dear women, if the talking doesn’t help or if he simply doesn’t want to hear it, if the sexual satisfaction is important to you, you can always break up with him. Dear women, there’s a responsibility in your sexuality that lies with yourself. Sincerely.

    • mysterydude says:

      Thank you. That’s what the haters on this post are missing. There are women who can orgasm quickly and some who can’t. This isnt just about orgasm even though its billed that way. Its about intimacy and patience where required. There are some women who orgasm in only one way but are scared to try different techniques or styles because they’re caught up in their own head. It takes a lot to trust someone and let yourself go without judgement.

  8. Maybe I’m just being thick, but I can’t figure out how to parse “Nice is the trump card.” What does that mean?

  9. wellokaythen says:

    Wow, so you can just make stuff up about Buddhism and everyone believes you? That’s a sweet gig.

  10. Doug S. says:

    “Whatever you do, make sure you’re doing it out of desire. It’s the only compass you’ve been given in this world, and you can trust it. It may not lead you where you thought you were going, but it will never lead you astray.”

    That’s very bad advice.

    • I’m going to have to agree. I have “desired” quite a few few people and things that were less than healthy for me.

  11. Not very Buddhist either. Desire causes suffering, according to Buddhist principles!

  12. I have to say, I started an Orgasmic Meditation practice last year and it has had the most profound effect on me. I am a man, yes. But the sensations I get in my body are powerful enough to put me in touch with my Desire (capital D) rather than my desire (things that I think I want in the moment, that bring me out of the moment). I have found my confidence increase immensely, as well as my capacity to hold intense emotion that I would have previously freaked out about. I can also hold someone else’s emotion experience when they are angry or sad, in a whole new way. The practice is not sex. It is more than that. I have found myself connected to myself, and my body in a way I never could have imagine.

    I recommend it to everyone, men and women.

  13. >>> “Or would you prefer to learn, from “50 Shades,” how to enjoy being whipped with a riding crop, shackled and fisted?”
    Sounds a bit judgemental, there. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying being shackled and fisted. That’s what does it for some people. <<<

    Exactly my first thoughts. Everyone is different. A touch of solipsism on the part of the writer of the article. A bit like people who suggest women don't like pornography either. I have known plenty of women who are not interested in "meditative sex" or any other such hoo ha and like nothing more than a good, hard f***ing.

    • Mind, calling meditative sex “hoo ha” is also a bit judgemental. I’ll echo the comment of mine you quoted: there’s nothing wrong with enjoying meditative sex. That’s what does it for some people.

  14. >> Mind, calling meditative sex “hoo ha” is also a bit judgemental. I’ll echo the comment of mine you quoted: there’s nothing wrong with enjoying meditative sex. That’s what does it for some people. <<

    That goes without saying.

    You're picking up on mere semantics. It's hoo ha to those people who see it that way.

  15. Pete Deet says:

    Your comments re: Werner Erhard

    My experience of being a customer of Werner Erhard’s company and of the people who staffed or presented the ideas associated with Werner Erhard’s companies was one of being profoundly respected and related to as a person who was already whole and complete and already perfect and powerful enough to deal with anything I was dealing with or wanted to deal with in my life or in life. It is largely why I chose to give Erhard and Associates repeat business. A VERY unique and positive experience for me and my family and friends. Nothing but respect.

  16. Laurence Platt says:

    I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you Jesse, but nothing you’ve ever written has put even the slightest dent in Werner Erhard’s business.

    There’s an abundance of evidence from around the world today of the value Werner Erhard’s work creates for millions of people in all areas of life including cutting edge business technology and the most respected forums of academia, much of which you can discover for yourself at

    http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/cf_dev/AbsByAuth.cfm?per_id=433651#reg.

    As for your central point – that Werner Erhard disrespected his customers: being a long-standing customer myself, I can tell you that the only experience which is more valuable to me than my experience of Werner Erhard’s work is my experience of my family. In that regard, there’s no business in any market anywhere today which demonstrates and is more committed to respect for their customers than businesses started by Werner Erhard.

  17. Jesse, It seems that you are proud of your attempt to damage Werner “Too bad it didn’t shut him down.” I appreciate criticism. I love conversation and open debate. I’m not sure about your motives but from my own direct experience I am sure of Werner’s. Werners work restores honor and human dignity. In my case his work has given me great relationships with my family, in spite of some challenging circumstances. His work has given me clarity and made space for me to choose a life of integrity and honor. My work with top executives around the world is based up these experiences. Over the past twelve years I met so many amazing who have had their lives profoundly altered by Werner’s work. They have gone on to cause major breakthroughs in business, education, healthcare, veteran support, government etc.

    My invitation to you is to take another look at Werner’s work. Here are few clips. The first is a lecture that he is giving at the Kennedy School of Business at Harvard. The second is a documentary on Werner’s work.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX3mYoEYRsw
    http://transformationfilm.com/

    Michael Shaun Conaway

  18. David Kamnitzer says:

    I wanted to let readers know that I did the est Training, created by Werner Erhard, in February, 1975.

    37 years later, I can honestly say it was the single-most powerful educational experience of my life.

  19. Werner Erhard has had the most profound effect on my life and if there was one single thing which I were asked to rate as the most significant experience of my life apart from the birth of my daughter, I would say it has been listening to Werner and attending the Landmark Forum. If there is one man who loves and respects you irrespective of who or what you are and is committed to your having an empowered life…it is him. And he definitely isn’t out of ‘business’, so to say, or never will be ( actually he is way beyond ‘business’ as you call it) as long as this world has the ability to recognize the wheat from the chaff.

  20. Kristin says:

    I have never met Erhard, but I have done courses led by people Erhard personally trained. I did not find anything disrespectful in my Landmark Education courses. I was highly respected, more so than any other situation in my life. My leaders saw me as a powerful being who was capable of anything I wanted in my life, and after doing The Forum, I know this is true. I did not once feel disrespected in my courses.

  21. Bill Kilburg says:

    Waking people up to their potential and possibilities is my experience of est and of Werners stand in life.
    Est got me to take a look at my life , to take responsibility for it and to generate a new life for myself and for others .
    It was a great option to the crime ridden neighborhood I grew up in. It was hard work , a work that shifted my life .

  22. Wow Jesse,
    What a really disappointing article. You were biased before you started writing it and with very little real time experience of the Orgasmic Meditation. You write like your a food critic that has just panned a new restaurant without even eating the food to see if the proof is in the pudding. Your ability to connect your topic to Werner Erhard whom as you tell us ‘ you wrote about in the 70’s and put a dent in his business’, just smells of professional ego.

    Go OM for a year and then write an article of substance and until then allow this valuable body of work to stand on its own and speak for itself.
    sincerely
    a TurnedON woman

  23. I attended the OM classes in New York with Rachel as the mediator.

    The first time I attended was a small group we went over the basic technique and what OMing means. It’s basically stroking a woman while keeping all your attention on her and the moment as well as voicing out observations in detail. It was mostly male. A couple, a gay guy and his female friend and me. It was a short meeting as not many people had arrived and Rachel was late. However, the topic was interesting to me and I wanted to pursue this further with my partner. I not only get the book but the OMing lube as well. My partner is reluctant to come however I convince her to try it out. From the moment we stepped in I noticed compliments flooded my partners ears from, your a queen…to, your energy is amazing etc. I’m getting little to no attention and neither are the few men that attended as women outnumbered men this time. What? I thought this was about BOTH partners coming together to focus on the woman but I felt completely isolated. When the Q&A section came up I couldn’t help but notice that the women were getting several questions and more involved remarks than the men. When it was my partners turn she was in banter with the group for almost 15mins. I was next and got 2 questions and cut off during the second. I was shocked I got so little attention and even asked why I was cut off during the second question. Her response to me was, “Some need fewer strokes than others.” I agree with alot about what I read from the OMing book. OM focuses more on women because socially men seem to get the “cake” while women are left unsatisfied. However, here’s a guy wanting to learn more about the female orgasm and how to experience it with his partner and your ignoring him. Essentially, my experience with the coarse is not about finding even ground for both partners to be pleased. In fact, it seemed to promote shame upon men’s pleasure. My partner wasn’t into OMing at all and the way I was treated made me abandon the coarse. To add to one side shouldn’t mean taking away from another. Helping women feel more comfortable in their skin and sexuality shouldn’t come at the cost of shaming men, which is how I felt. I left the Boys club looking to find an Us club only to wake up in the Girls club, if that makes any sense…lol…Good Luck with your own experiences.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Book Review … They'd do better to read 'Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm.'” I read that on a message board. So I bought Nicole Daedone's book. On page 1: “I teach a practice called Orgasmic Meditation. It's a way that any . [...]

  2. [...] Have you read Jesse Kornbluth’s review of “Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm“? [...]

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