A woman wanted me to help her change her tire, but I had no idea. Sometimes, I just don’t know what’s expected of me.
—
So, I was at the gas station today, and I was filling up my tire. Next to me at the air/vacuum thingy was a woman who was changing her tire. As she was ratcheting her car into the air, I thought I should offer to help her. Then I thought, no, why am I assuming that she doesn’t know how to change her own tire? Because she’s a woman? So, I finished filling my tire and got back in my car. She looked up from jacking her car and scoffed at me.
“You could have offered to help, but that’s okay, I guess.” Then, she scowled at me, waiting for a response.
I turned down the Rush Limbaugh (yes, I know it’s a bad habit). “Oh, sorry. Would you like me to help?”
The scowl never left her face. “No.” Hmmm, okay.
“Sorry, I didn’t want to insult you.”
“How could that be an insult? You see a woman in distress. You coulda acted like a gentleman.”
Distress? If a flat tire in a well-populated area during the middle of the day is distress, then she must live a charmed life.
“I didn’t want to assume that you don’t know what you’re doing. Would you like me to help you?”
“No, it’s fine.” So, despite what she said, this obviously was not “fine” to her. My point in relating this story is simple: sometimes, men don’t know what we’re supposed to do. To that woman, I was supposed to ask if she needed my help, and then, presumably, change her tire. I would have had absolutely no problem with doing that. Full disclosure: I kind of enjoy it. It affirms some old standards of masculinity that I haven’t been able to shake (not even sure if I want to shake them).
To another woman, asking if she needed my help could be seen as patronizing. If someone offered to help me change a tire, I’d probably be a little miffed but wouldn’t think much of it. The difference is that I’m supposed to be able to change a tire. To assume a woman doesn’t know how to change a tire is essentially to buy into a stereotype. Am I thinking too much into this?
This isn’t only about changing tires, obviously. This is about cutting men some slack. Spend an hour perusing feminist/ women’s blogs and websites and you’ll find a pretty decent amount of frustration with men. Some complaints range from men not being mind-readers to men being predators. Railing against men who perpetuate or participate in predatory behavior is a noble goal and one which I take part in as often as possible.
There are millions of women in the United States and each one is unique. If a man doesn’t pick up on your subtle cues that you’re busy or not attracted or otherwise uninterested, that isn’t an indictment of all men. That’s not even necessarily an indictment of that man. Perhaps, your cues were too subtle or perhaps, he just didn’t pick up on yours. Maybe he’s not a complete insensitive pig; maybe you just miscommunicated. That’s not to say that some men aren’t complete insensitive pigs.
I know that for me, personally, I talk to people with my arms folded. This is pretty classic closed-off body language, but it just makes me feel comfortable. So, if you were trying to read my “subtle cues”, you would probably be way off. Starting an argument about Alabama, Alabama football, or politics? That’s flirting. I have no interest in someone who can’t hold her own in an argument. Maybe this stuff is just crazy confusing at times.
Too long; didn’t read? Sometimes, we just don’t know what each specific woman wants and/or is trying to convey. Give teh menz some slack.
Photo—Flickr/saf2285
I challenge anyone here to find me a similar story directed towards women in any women-oriented publication. Let me save you some time: You won’t find one. So here’s an area where the men can definitely learn a lesson from the women: Stop being neurotically concerned about what some particular member of the opposite sex thinks, or says you should say or do. As we say here in NYC, fuggehdaboudit. The truth is that there is such a wide variation in what women want, expect and hope for from men, that whatever you do, you will inevitably be pissing off… Read more »
@ Paul
I disagree. Truth is not what you want it to be. Truth is what is and so it can be arrived at rationally. Would you offer to help a man? If you were female, would you offer to help a man? Offering to assist another might be TRUTH, but if you go with your gut instinct as if appears you are suggesting, you may end up with a different “truth” depending on the circumstance. That hardly sounds like TRUTH.
You know, no matter the gender mix of a situation, there’s few things that piss me off like the “you didn’t guess correctly what I wanted but never said, so now I’m going to be upset with you” game (which is what this woman is playing). It’s real simple – no matter how loud you think I can’t read your mind. Rather that sit there waiting for you to offer your help, feeling powerless because you didn’t, and finally getting frustrated and acting all upset, all she needed to do was look at and say “hey, buddy – I could… Read more »
There was a semi-controversy in England where Jo Swinson, an MP who is 7 months pregnant, stood while several colleagues remained seated. There was some criticism that no one (especially the men) offered her their seat.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/oct/18/jo-swinson-pregnant-parliament
Don’t do what’s expected of you. Do what you feel is right. In this case, it might have been useful to think: if this were a guy, would I offer to help? Personally speaking, probably not, unless he really looked like he needed a hand. You were right not to assume that she needed a hand just cause she’s a woman.
As a woman myself, I’m all for smashing these silly expectations regarding gender roles. Sounds to me like you handled it perfectly.
I’m Willing to bet that this woman is not a feminist. I bet she was raised with oneway of expecting men to act. And when he doesn’t, she is just as freaked out as masculinists are at women that break from the conventions that make them comfortable. As someone that once had the same reaction to other minorities, I can say the proper response is to ask if she needs any assistance, if you can offer it. Though I understand your fear. Some women get over offended. So if you’re worried about it, you can say, Idon’t want to assume,… Read more »
So, what would you do if it was a young man who was obviously struggling? You’d joke with him, then ask if you could do anything to make it easier. Do the same with a woman. Encourage her for trying to do it herself, but make yourself available at the same time. How does it hurt you if she’s insulted? That’s on her–not you.
Christian, I actually think you give good advice regarding how easy it is to not see the subtle cues and giving men the benefit of the doubt. I can see that in my own life where I was giving cues but they might have been too subtle for the man to understand. Part of that is my own shyness. It’s hard for me to change that part of myself but at least it does help me understand why a man may not have responded in the way I might have wanted. I even agree that the woman was harsh. To… Read more »
Exactly Erin ✺”Ultimately, it’s up to you and me to live by the code of ethics we believe best represents ourselves rather then looking to conform and adapt to what any individual woman or man may want.”✺ That says it all. I open doors for men:) and Offer assistance to men and women if I see somebody in trouble , and do not wait until they ask for help. This world is full of persons that never ask anyone for help,ever. Shall we just ignore them? I prefer to not ignore. This woman behaved strangely. But to read the comments… Read more »
“How could that be an insult? You see a woman in distress. You coulda acted like a gentleman.” That comment says it all really. I bet she wouldn’t have expected another woman to help her. This all comes down to woman entitlement, many of them shout for equal rights but when it suits them, they want to be treated unequally. Some commentors stated they would help someone who needed it regardless of gender but lets not be naive here, this whole post is all about a woman who thinks she is entitled to help because of her gender and the… Read more »
Good point indeed. I personally am a headstrong, career driven woman, but by no means a feminist. I find it irritating that women often expect equality with men, but still want doors held open, tires changed, dates paid for and other special notices that fulfill classic male/female “roles” or what have you. Equality does not mean added special treatment. To me, any person should be kind and hold a door open for another person when the occasion arises.
Well said. Equality and common courtesy most definitely do not mean special treatment. We’re all adults, right?
The way I see it is if you need help, ask. I can understand people not wanting to intrude, but when you expect someone to offer assistance, you’re expecting them to intrude. They’re not the ones who need help and that’s unfair to additionally burden them with the risk of intrusion. In my experience, I’ve had people (not often) react poorly to offers of assistance nor are offers of assistance limited to the physical. I’ve often heard men criticized for mansplaining. IMO if you’re the type to criticize people providing unsolicited advise, you shouldn’t expect people to offer help.
I once had the opposite experience. In a car with two guys, one woman, got a flat (guys car). We all got out, guys rebuffed my help, then couldn’t get the lug nuts off. I took the tire iron, put it on a nut, and held it in place with one hand while I used my foot to push it down/ rotate it. Never occurred to the guys because they were accustomed to being strong enough to do it by hand. We all have something to offer, and we can all use help sometimes.
In my eyes this woman is unforviveably rude. Sadly I think the biggest cause of these problems is the assumption that there is ONE code of conduct for all individuals. Some women WILL expect men to offer help/seats/drinks whatever while others see it as imposing. But to expect everyone to operate on the same default setting is woefully ignorant, and to react with aggression is totally unwarranted. I am of the school of thought that nobody is obliged to rush to my assistance. If they do then lovely, however the suggestion that they have deemed me incapable because I’m a… Read more »
I think others have said it, but if someone needs help, I offer help. I have jumped more cars than I can count, both from offering and from having someone ask. if I had been standing at that air pump and glanced over I would have asked casually “need a hand?” And if I had been that woman, and a man did the same to me, just an inquiry, not a judgment, I would have appreciated it, assessed my situation and made my answer based on how I was progressing through the tire replacement. You shouldn’t get offended when someone… Read more »
Damned if ya do and damned if ya don’t. Men are often caught in the middle where they aren’t sure what the right thing to do really is. Most men that I know have been shot down when attempting to assist a women yet there are many times the women is thankful for the help. IMO, screw the debate, I’m gonna help whom ever I believe could use a helping hand. I do it simply because it’s the right thing to do and I don’t care who the recipient is. But that’s not to say that women need to be… Read more »
” Spend an hour perusing feminist/ women’s blogs and websites and you’ll find a pretty decent amount of frustration with men.”
This is the root of your problems right here. Never do this again and you will be fine.
I personally have never seen a woman get upset over a polite offer of assistance. I HAVE seen women get upset over men trying to dismiss their authority, grabbing heavy things from them, or using offers of assistance as an opening to invade their personal space. But even if an individual woman is rude, so what? Individual men are rude too, and we don’t decide to be dismissive and selfish forever after based on those scattered occurrences. Sometimes we have to do a better job of saying, “OK, that person was rude, and their behaviour was unacceptable. But what did… Read more »
Or we could assume that a person who needs help will ask.
It is polite to offer help to anyone, regardless of their sex. If they don’t want or need your help they should politely reject it by saying “Oh I’ve got it, but thank you!” Lastly, it is immature to think that someone thinks you’re incapable just because they are offering assistance. Yes, this is a fantasy, I suppose, to expect people to just be polite. However, being a small woman, and I am offered unsolicited assistance frequently, and accept it when I need it, turn it down when I don’t, but remain grateful in either situation.
Only Luke and Steven seem like responsible humans here, the rest of you guys sound like whiners who are exhibiting passive aggressive behavior. What if a one armed man was trying to change a tire? Would you be oblivious to the handicap? Well, if a, probably smaller and physically weaker, woman is attempting to change a tire, she might have a strength handicap. Get real people- use your brain and stop being oblivious or intentionally ignoring with the excuse of “I didn’t want to offend you”, the truth is, you didn’t want to do it (unless you were compelled in… Read more »
I don’t mean to use any sort of excuse. I, honestly, didn’t want to patronize her. For the record, she was bigger than I am, but that’s not really relevant. I love helping others. The problem that I was trying to convey in my piece is that I would have been less hesitant to ask a man if he needed help. Since a man is assumed to be capable, it’s less of an insult (in my thinking) to ask. A woman at the grocery store not too long ago asked me if I needed help while I was perusing the… Read more »
So, without knowing anything else other than that she’s a woman, your automatic assumption is that she physically needed a man’s help? What if she is not in fact smaller and weaker than Christian? What if she is perfectly physically capable of changing the tire herself? Why should it be the man’s responsibility to offer help rather than her responsibility to ask for it? And the idea that no woman would get offended by an offer of assistance is laughable. I see women every day, online and in person, huff over men holding doors for them, assuming they’re incapable of… Read more »
@ kayalldone Do you offer everyone help? If a man were stranded on the side of the road at night, would you offer to assist? What about people who are mentally or emotionally challenged? Are they just up a creek without a paddle? As for the physically handicapped, I’ve made exceptions like in situations where they wouldn’t know I was there to ask for assistance. Once I was standing behind two women waiting to cross a street. One was blind as indicated by her cane. The light changed. The other woman crossed and she hadn’t moved. I told her the… Read more »
Im sorry Kaya, but a lot of women do actually get offended. So beside all the conjectures, the best thing to do is to ‘ grow up ‘ and ask help if needed. Not so difficult, dont be entitled to receive help from stranger, they have their own life and are not mind readers. As I said before, if you need help, ASK, it easy 😉
O.k., was she capable of changing the tire? Yes. Are men generally physically stronger then women? Yes. Could she have asked for help? Yes. Did she want to impose on someone? No. In situations where you either know how to do something or know that it takes something skill or strength which you posses, you should offer to help without being asked. If she just wanted to handle it, (for practice?), she could politely decline and thank you for offering. Seriously, even another women would likely have offered to help because duh, it is hard to loosen those bolts, my… Read more »
“Did she want to impose on someone? No.” Did you even read this article? The woman was comfortable enough “imposing” to accost him and make passive-aggressive comments — and then turn down assistance when it was offered. It absolutely is a gender thing, because women do not always respond to offers of help with courtesy. Period, they don’t. It is a gender thing because the writer second-guessed how his offer would be received purely because of the gender of the person to whom he wanted to offer assistance. It is a gender thing because he considered how her gender would… Read more »
Seriously, even another women would likely have offered to help because duh, it is hard to loosen those bolts, my full body weight won’t do it but having another person might. This again is not a gender think, it is an issue of courtesy. When the day comes that a woman has her womanhood questioned because she didn’t offer to help, then maybe it will be possible that its not a gender issue. Its amazing how something because gender neutral as soon as a male perspective that’s not in the wrong is considered. I’ll bet if he had just assumed… Read more »
This brings to mind two points for me. Firstly if someone (male or female) looks like they need help I will offer, mostly always depending on circumstances such as am I in a rush or not. If someone rebuffs me I walk away and leave, I only give them one chance, it’s an offer of help not an intro into drama 101, no subtle signal reading, yes or no only. If they have something else to say and it isn’t friendly I take that as a no. I don’t usually make a distinction between male or female so I don’t… Read more »
Reminds me of the time I was taking a walk and ran across a middle-aged woman who had managed to drive her Mercedes Benz into mud in a suburban agricultural field. Who knows why. She had a really vicious dog inside the car, that wouldn’t stop barking. She asked me for advice about how to get her car out of the mud. I asked her if she had AAA. She did. I suggested she call AAA for a tow, and commenced to continue my constitutional. She rather pointedly commented how if I were a “real man” I would push her… Read more »
I was in a similar situation a long time ago at work. A woman was carrying a box that looked heavy. I didn’t offer help. When she passed by other women nearby came at me asking why didn’t I offer to carry it for her. I guess, “….trust women to be able to decide on their own when they would like some help” isn’t a part of that famous radical notion that women are people or something. I’m a it bored of this. Offer a woman help and she’ll think you don’t think a woman can do something on her… Read more »
@ Danny
Funny how when talking about getting consent for sex they want men to get verbal confirmation. Subtle clues or body language are insufficient. When it comes to asking for help, men should be able to pick up on subtle clues.
“I can tell you I’ve made up my mind. Simply put I’m not gonna offer assistance. If you want my help, just ask.”
That’s the way I look at it. I don’t offer assistance. If they need it they should be adult enough to ask.
I know right?
Kinda almost sounds like women don’t want men to be their genuine selves but rather they want us to be what they want us to be…
That’s what this entire site is about….
You’re making the assumption that all women want the same thing. This particular woman was quite rude and I would have scoffed at her too. We’re in a time of changing social values, and so there are going to be some women who expect the way to be true (damsel in distress), some expect you to act in the newer way (don’t assume I’m incapable), and others who simply treat people as people. Don’t assume that each woman represents the voice of all women, that would be so confusing.
It seems to me that he pointing out an consistency where in one situation non verbal communication suffices (and failure to recognize it is a failing on the guy’s part) while in another non verbal communication is considered to not be good enough (and failure to not recognize this is a failing on the guy’s part). I think what he says about being adult enough to ask is a pretty consistent personal standard. It doesn’t mean that all women are the same. It just means that he is going to be consistent regardless of how different women respond to him… Read more »
I think if a woman behaved as the one in this story did, that is quite rude and she doesn’t deserve help. There is nothing wrong with old-fashioned asking for help and being gracious about it.
Thanks for this, Christian. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. To Her: are you not capable of asking for help if you need it? Why do it by “subtle cues” when simple words would do? Her: wasn’t it obvious I needed help? Nope, I have a life and things on my mind, as well as not wanting to patronize you. How much time do I have to spend observing you until I saw you were incompetent at changing a tire? Furthermore, how do you know I am any more competent than you at changing a tire – because… Read more »
Thanks for this. Sometimes, we’re constantly stuck overthinking, without a chance to win. My idea is: am I offering assistance when it looks like someone needs it? If so, I ask. If they take it the wrong way, I can’t control it.
Very good post.