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There is a saying that we teach what we want to learn. I suspect it may be equally true that we write about issues most important in our lives. I grew up as an only child in a single parent-family. My father was gone by the time I was five years old. My mother had to go out and work and I was left alone a lot of the time. My main friends and companions were the imaginary friends that I turned to for comfort, love, and understanding.
I began writing stories at an early age and as adult writing has become my passion. It’s the way I have made sense of my world and addressed the issues that are most important to me. The additional benefit of writing is that I get immediate feedback from people. When I open myself up and share my deepest truths and experience, it feels wonderful to hear from people who share their own stories.
Some time ago I wrote an article, 7 Things That Make a Man Feel Loved. I shared my experiences being married to my wife, Carlin, for more than thirty years. It felt wonderful to read so many comments and eventually learn that that 280,000 people had read and shared the article. I’m happy to report that our love has continued to deepen and grow and I’d like to share my current feelings and thoughts.
I love it when you see, hear, and feel me.
Both Carlin and I have been married twice before and we both realize that it’s difficult for one person to walk in the shoes of another. Men and women may not come from two separate planets, but our brains are different, our hormones are different, and the very cells in our bodies are different. Of course, there are many things we share, but it’s the differences that often end up making us feel alone. Feeling that your partner “gets you” is one of the greatest gifts we can ever receive. I feel seen, heard, and emotionally connected to Carlin. She’s worked hard to understand me and my world and it feels wonderful to have a woman who really wants to know me fully.
You’re Dating Multiple People
I love it when you accept me as I am and don’t try and change me.
There is a lot about me that is difficult to live with. I’ve had my share of childhood wounds: My father was away because he had tried to kill himself and I suffered the loss of his presence and the fears that I would follow in his footsteps. As an adult I have had to deal with depression and bipolar disorder. When I would get manic I would become irritable, angry, and hard to live with. When I would get depressed I would become sullen, clingy, and difficult to live with. Carlin has her own wounds and emotional challenges. But I’ve never felt that Carlin wanted me to be different than I am. She isn’t perfect in her support of me, no one is, but she gives me constant validation that who I am is OK with her, even when I’m a bear to live with.
I love it when you take care of yourself and believe that I can take care of myself.
One of the greatest gifts I get from Carlin is that she allows me to be vulnerable and unsure as well as strong and decisive. For most of my life I’ve felt I had to be “manly and strong,” which meant that I couldn’t show weakness or vulnerability. But there are times when I felt like the world was just too much for me
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It would often drive me crazy when Carlin would take care of herself instead of doing something I wanted. “I can’t go with you today,” she would tell me. “I need time to myself.” When I felt down and needy, I hungered for her to drop everything and respond to my needs. But Carlin knew herself well enough to know that she needed to first take care of herself. She could better be supportive of me if she was good to herself. I learned to love that quality because it also allowed me to take care of my own needs. Rather than creating two people who were so independent we lived in our own separate worlds, it has created two whole human beings who care for themselves and then have a lot to give to their partner.
I love it when you hold me when I need nurturing, without making me feel unmanly.
One of the greatest gifts I get from Carlin is that she allows me to be vulnerable and unsure as well as strong and decisive. For most of my life I’ve felt I had to be “manly and strong,” which meant that I couldn’t show weakness or vulnerability. But there are times when I felt like the world was just too much for me. I wanted to be able to curl up in my wife’s arms and let her hold me. In past relationships the women were as afraid of my showing weakness as I was. But Carlin was different, she let me be weak and nurtured me without making me feel like a wimp. I’ve never felt more alive than when I could allow myself to “fall apart” and know my wife was not freaked out and was there for me.
I love it when you encourage my vulnerability without shaming me.
I can’t tell you how many times I have had women tell me, “I feel like I have three children in the house and only two of them are underage. I want a man, and he acts like a little boy.” I’ve felt the shame of statements like those many times in previous relationships. In fact, one of the strongest memories I have growing up was hearing my mother and a group of her women friends talking about their husbands. A number of the men, including my father, were out of work, and the women talked about them as though they were not “real men.”
“Henry is out all day, but he never brings anything home. He says he’s looking for work, but he’s got nothing to show for it,” one of the women said. Another shook her head and told the group, “It’s even worse with my husband. He’s at home all the time and it’s like having another child constantly under foot.”
You’re Dating Multiple People
I remember hearing these words as a four year old and making a vow that I would never let a woman talk about me like that. “I’ll die first. If it kills me, I’ll never be out of work.” Well, I’ve been working since I was 9 years old. When I lost my job a number of years ago, I fell into a deep depression that almost did kill me. Carlin understands that being a man is about both strength and weakness and she supports both in me. She never shames me for being weak, confused, or uncertain. She respects and loves me for being me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my love.
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About the book
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Originally posted on MenAlive. Reposted with permission
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Many women these days act like spoiled ungrateful brats. If we were at war on our soil, women would be huddling up to their men begging them to protect them. The shaming of men is a disgrace, and it’s pervasive- the media, the culture, Hollywood. We must stand up to this attitude brought by Feminism, which is now about the superiority of women, not equality.
I can’t identify with much of these ‘needs’ except not wanting to have to change for most small things. There are, though, many things that are good to change. For instance, I almost made the mistake of raising my daughter with the traditional expectations that she would have a physically fit body instead of accepting her as she is. My wife shut that down quickly and, after due consideration, that was a very good thing – everyone is happier as a result. Change can be good.
What is wrong abt articles like this, they don’t teach you the how. Give concrete examples, give situations.
What would make me feel loved?
For a start:
Step 1, being listened to without being interrupted or dismissed.
Step 2, be allowed to make a mistake without being ridiculed and constantly reminded about it.
That’s an interesting question. What would make me feel loved? I don’t have an answer yet. Let me think about that.
Pursuit, I hadn’t really thought of it either. But I found it helpful to reflect on what I was getting when I felt loved, what I was giving myself and what I was receiving from others. Love is like a perpetual pump, them more we pump out the more we receive in.
Dr. Diamond, thank you for such an insightful and intelligent article. I always enjoy reading your books and other writings. I would like to point out to the Commenter “G” that all women are not alike; we are not all “Gold Diggers”. When I met my husband he was unemployed. His “employment status” meant nothing to me, I was interested in him as a person and not as my financial supporter. I have been working since I was 15 years old. I purchased my first vehicle with my own money, I also purchased my first house at age 22, and… Read more »
MsJay, Thanks for your comments. I appreciate your support of my work. I think we could all use a reminder that men and women both have their gold diggers and great givers. We need to move beyond stereotypes as you have and look for the best in the world. When we feel good about ourselves, and have healed some of the more serious wounds from our past, we tend to see the good in others. Glad you are passing that wisdom on to your own children.
I’m confused by your last point, “a vow that I would never let a woman talk about me like that.” By virtue of not ever being the kind of husband a wife would talk about that way, or by virtue of being intolerant of a wife making such an observation? I know many women, myself included, who left their marriages because they didn’t have partners. Partnership looks different in each relationship, but any spouse – husband or wife – who isn’t partnered ends up feeling exhuasted and resentful. You feel like you have more children than you should. And that’s… Read more »
Lori, thanks for the comments. Remember my feeling of “I’ll never let a woman talk about me like that” was the feeling of a five year old that didn’t understand the stresses that a fathers would experience trying to find and hold a job in an economy that was changing or about the stresses that mothers felt trying to hold their family together while living with men who often became depressed and angry. My point was that I felt the shame of feeling inadequate as a provider and vowed it would never happen to me. But tying our identity to… Read more »
Ah, thank you for clarifying. I agree with you completely.
Enjoyed your article, Jed.
Those last two you mentioned, it must truly be awesome to experience them! Actually, I did experience it once, when my Dad died, for several minutes anyway. Otherwise, you’d have to go back to when I was about 5 y.o. or so(I’m 61 in Sept.). After that, it was my Mom who’d lecture me to “Stop it! Big boys don’t cry!”
Bobbt, we all suffer from what Dr. Mario Martinez calls “The Archetypal Wounds” used by the culture (often as exemplified by our parents) of Shame, Betrayal, and Abandonment. As children we are forced to choose between our parents presence and being able to be the beings we truly are. As children, we go with our parents even when their “love” is wounding. As adults, its never to late to heal, to reclaim the beautiful beings we had to abandon as children and give ourselves the real, lasting love that we often missed growing up. Loving ourselves allows us to love… Read more »
“Bobbt, we all suffer from what Dr. Mario Martinez calls “The Archetypal Wounds” used by the culture (often as exemplified by our parents) of Shame, Betrayal, and Abandonment. As children we are forced to choose between our parents presence and being able to be the beings we truly are. As children, we go with our parents even when their “love” is wounding.” The problem is that many parents no matter how good their intentions are, are unable/unwilling to let their kids become their own self. We go to our parents because we have been brainwash to do so and they… Read more »
I think these would be good for women, as well…..We all want to feel safe, connected, accepted, acknowledged and enjoyed…..Thanks for your very thoughtful and perceptive article.
Alice, thanks. I’m sure its true that when it comes to love, men and women want the same things. Sometimes we express our needs differently or different things count for love in each of us. I’m a word guy. I love to hear the words “I love you.” My wife is more action oriented. She expresses love through actions. Learning each other’s “love language” is even better than learning a foreign language. Come to think of it, sometimes it is a foreign language.
Isn’t it ironic how conversations that you hear at such a young age influence your thinking to such a great extent? I am sure we all have our own… I have often heard mixed messages from women about what they want their “man” to appear. It seems the more put together the woman, as far as her own security in herself for example, the more she can accept however the man that she loves needs to be. Vulnerable. However. If she is not, then she may demand or expect the stereotype. (That’s not rocket science on my part. Just common… Read more »
Margaret, Thanks. I’m hoping the more we can speak personally from our own experience the more it will resonate with others. Together we can change the dialogue in our relationships and more than that we can change the foundation that allows real, lasting love to be the rule rather than the exception.
I love the last two points, Mr. Diamond. I don’t know why if women want to be held in men’s arms to feel safe and secure went things go wrong in life, why can’t we men have it as well? With regards to shaming, there was an article in the GMP about how shaming in American culture is killing men and for me and other men this has got to stop because it puts fear and indecisiveness into men and will not help them learn from their mistakes (even minor ones). It is sad and outrageous about those women shaming… Read more »
I see shaming being so much a part of our culture that many people don’t even know they are doing it. I’m hoping as we raise awareness and we speak out about how we feel, we will raise the awareness of everyone. When women would tell the truth about things men would say and do that felt demeaning to them, many men changed their view. We all have a lot of growing and changing. Since so many of us grew up with parents who shamed us, we often pass it on without even recognizing it. Healing our childhood wounds can… Read more »
Women need to change their views about what they say and do that is demeaning to men, but they don’t like it when men tell that to them.
To be fair, you don’t know how their husbands have treated them. If they felt truly respected by their husbands, they would probably have more respect for them. They probably just felt frustrated with their situation, which is understandable, especially as they probably had to be responsible for the housework and childcare, which was usually the case in those days.
Of course, the first line of defense when one’s most cherished prejudices are challenged is to claim victimhood for oneself. Excusing bad behavior by claiming that the perpetrators themselves are victims gives everyone an excuse/justification to do nothing and maintain the status quo.
As a woman, I can completely understand the resistance to being told that. Truth often hurts and can be unpleasant. But if it is truth – then it needs to be told, whether or not there is resistance. And whether or not a woman feels her man “deserves” it – I don’t think there is any justification in devaluing or disrespecting another. Disrespecting your partner is a fast track to lost trust and dissolving love. If a woman loves her partner, truly loves them – more than social status, appearance, or herself – she won’t treat him like that –… Read more »
G, do you have a link to the shaming article you mentioned?