Though words often seem innocent, the scars they leave on a child can last a lifetime
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If I had a dollar for every therapist visit people attend in their adult lives, I’d be beyond rich. The truth is many adults spend time in therapy because of hurts from their childhood. Those hurts are often brought about by what at the time, may seem like a small thing to parents or other adults around the children. No one knows how deeply our comments penetrate the fiber of a person’s spirit until the internal damage makes its way to the outside and begins to damage others.
Parents usually mean well and speaking from experience, we do the best we can with what we have. But, we can always grow and do better… and though you may have never said the things listed below, there is always room to take a step back and assess what we have said. Remember, words are like an iron fist and the imprint can last a lifetime so it’s best to choose our words wisely:
- You are so stupid. Now we probably all know not to say this but there are people who in the heat of the moment don’t have the best grip on impulses and will say this anyway. Imagine this being said over and over to or around a child. This makes a kid feel like “well, if they already think I’m stupid there is no sense in me trying to do anything smart because they’ll never believe it (support it or accept it).” If you say this about their other parent in their presence, they could internalize it because of their connection.
- You’re going to end up just like….”your daddy, your no good uncle, your trifling mother, your lying cousin so and on.” Man, talk about labeling someone early! Say this to a kid and they don’t believe they have a snow ball’s chance in hell to becoming anything great. They are already deemed as bad as the person you are mentioning. And if you’re talking about the other parent it can be even more damaging because they know deep down the parent’s blood is running through their veins so they must be …all the bad things about that person already.
- You ask the dumbest questions (or too many questions). This causes a child to become nervous about exhibiting their natural curiosity. They ask questions because they simply don’t know the answers and they are trying to understand this big world around them. Sometimes they ask the same question more than once because with so much knowledge to gain they’ve forgotten your original answer or they don’t understand how it applies. Long term, this makes kids not want to ask questions in school or life in general. Think about how detrimental that can be.
- Men Ain’t Shit. Many people say this to their friends within direct ear shot of children. Think about the message it sends. To a boy, it says he will be a man who has no value and therefore he will not value anything (including his children) because he will believe he isn’t supposed to. To a girl, it says you have the right to disrespect and emasculate men OR expect to be mistreated by them because men aren’t about anything and they have no value ….so you’ll be treated the same. Also it sends a message that part of them must be worthless because we are created a man and a woman so the man part is bad. The same could be said the other way around if you say this about women.
- Why can’t you be like your brother or sister? This implies that their sibling is better and this child is less than. It opens up the opportunity for a type of sibling rivalry which can turn to hatred and unhealthy competition. It also gives the child the feeling they’ll never be good enough and the other child is loved or valued more because they know how to do things right.
- That’s not what you’re good at. This one is said more often than we realize and so often with good intent. Many try to get kids to focus on the things they are good at hoping it will raise their self-esteem. Instead this can come across as discouragement. How many of us like to sing but don’t have a great singing voice yet we do it in the shower or car? Your child will learn where their strengths lie naturally, but be careful how you tell them what their strengths aren’t. Besides they’re kids, let them have fun or you could risk them being too shy or introverted to try things and challenges themselves as they age.
Sometimes what seems innocent to us can be hurtful to others. Even as adults we are hurt by the words of others and they don’t even understand what they said that was wrong. Choose your words wisely, especially with or around children because the potential to leave lifelong scars that create trigger reactions in us as adults is huge. We must also teach our children to choose words wisely. How many of you remember the hurtful words of another when you were in elementary or high school that stuck with your for life?
No one is perfect and whether you’ve said these things or something else, the challenge is to begin thinking about your words and what today’s kids are exposed to in the home, at school, in communities and on television and internet. Let’s work to grow more emotionally sound kids so they can become emotionally healthy adults.
Agree completely. But also difficult to do this consistently.
@mfs I would strongly suggest having some firm words with whoever it is making generalidations about men around your boys. After my parents seperated, my older sister and younger brother lived with mum. Most of the new friends she made were other single mothers that didn’t have mich if anything good to say about men or males in general. I was a good boy.and wanted to be a good boy but had this sence of impending dppm that i was destined to be a monster. This all started at about 7 and by 13 i was out of control, i’m… Read more »
I agree with this article completely. I remember my parents regularly comparing me with my younger brother. To add insult to injury he started to get lazy and underachieve so that ultimately, it was an incredibly negative standard to set. One of the concepts that’s emerging from the neurosciences is that you get what you focus on. If you focus on how terrible somebody is, that’s more or less what you’re going to get. Children in general can handle criticism and being held to a high standard, but the adults in their lives need to focus more on the times… Read more »
I agree wholeheartedly. There are so many more things to avoid too. There is a self proclaimed feminist in the sphere of my three sons who often expresses generalising views about men which ate less than positive. It worries me considerably as it gives then the message that she values them less than girls. I am incredibly defensive when things like this are expressed. I hate that kind of attitude. When it’s family it’s hard to avoid. Also, ‘stupid’ was once so forbidden in our house that one of my boys cane to me at one point absolutely horrified that… Read more »
Thanks for your comment . Words like dummy, stupid and shut up are not allowed in my house. Name calling is huge for me but I too have had to explain to my kids that not all people share the same values.
@mfs I would strongly suggest having some firm words with whoever it is making generalidations about men around your boys. After my parents seperated, my older sister and younger brother lived with mum. Most of the new friends she made were other single mothers that didn’t have mich if anything good to say about men or males in general. I was a good boy.and wanted to be a good boy but had this sence of impending dppm that i was destined to be a monster. This all started at about 7 and by 13 i was out of control, i’m… Read more »
Henry, I really appreciate your reply. It’s rare for me to have input from someone who has had this kind of influence in their lives. Your perspective gives me a great deal of pause for thought. Thankfully I think my boys also have other strong role models around and other influences in their lives who express their appreciation for men which would ameliorate the impact of this other person. However, you are right. I do need to express my opinion about such negative generalizations. It is not acceptable to say ‘Gee men are so bloody useless!….oh but yours will be… Read more »