Just because your partner isn’t saying “no,” Hugo Schwyzer writes, it doesn’t mean it’s a “yes.”
Note: As with many articles about sexual violence, particularly those that include anecdotes, this may prove triggering for some.
“Sometimes I say ‘yes’ when I’d rather say ‘no.’”
It’s been nearly 25 years, but I can still remember the beautiful Berkeley fall afternoon when I heard those shattering words. Katie and I were sitting in a coffee shop just off campus. What had started as a “friends with benefits” situation had blossomed into a sophomore year romance with this dark-eyed dance-and-philosophy double-major. Katie and I had been sleeping together for more than two months—and saying “I love you” for about a week—when she summoned up the courage to bring up this one very painful truth.
At first, I didn’t know what she meant. She spoke so softly I had to lean across the table to hear her. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she said, “but sometimes I really don’t want to have sex. Sometimes I do, but not as often as you want it. And sometimes I want to tell you ‘no,’ but I can’t bring myself to do it. So I try and send you signals, hoping you can just tell how I’m feeling. But that doesn’t work, so it’s… it’s just easier to say ‘yes’ or just say nothing at all.”
My face flushed. I felt nauseated. I thought instantly of the previous night, where we’d grabbed what I thought was a hot half-hour when my roommates were both gone. Katie had seemed so passionate when we’d been making out, but then gotten very quiet once all our clothes were off. I’d told myself she wanted to have one ear cocked for the sound of a key in the door. I hadn’t considered—or hadn’t wanted to consider—the more obvious possibility: she was trying to tell me that she didn’t want to have sex.
I looked out the window. I couldn’t meet Katie’s eyes. My gaze fixed in the distance, my voice trembling, I asked what seemed the only possible question: “Are you trying to tell me I raped you?”
I was in my first women’s studies course, and just the previous week we’d been reading about sexual violence and the law. In class, where I was one of only three men, I’d felt rage thinking about all of those cruel assholes who didn’t understand that “no means no.” But now a dark and unseen possibility was opening up: not every “no” could be spoken. Maybe, I realized, sometimes even a quiet “OK” could be a “no” in disguise.
Katie started to cry. “Oh God, Hugo. No. Not rape. It’s just… I wish you could tell the difference between when I really want you and when I’d just rather be held.” She began to cry harder. “Fuck. It’s all my fault,” she wept. “I can’t expect you to be a mindreader. I’m so sorry.”
I begged Katie not to apologize; the responsibility was all mine, I insisted. I came around to her side of the table and held her. But something had changed for both of us, and the relationship was never the same. The one time we tried to have sex after that conversation, we were both so tentative (and I had, not surprisingly, a difficult time getting hard) that we gave up halfway through. We broke up two weeks before Christmas.
♦◊♦
Most “good guys” take a woman’s firm “No!” for an answer. (Those who don’t are best left to the ministrations of our criminal justice system.) But lots of men are like the guy I was at 19—assuming that while “no means no” anything short of a firm “no” is either a “yes” or a “keep at it, boy, because you just might get a ‘yes’ soon.” Call it male sexual legalism, the first rule of which is “All that is not expressly prohibited is assumed to be permitted.” That legalism can turn many men into accidental rapists.
While the legal standard of rape is increasingly well-defined (and what happened with Katie fell well short of that legal definition), common sense suggests that at its most basic, rape is nonconsensual sex. Too many of us, men and women alike, define consent as the absence of a clear “no,” rather than the presence of a clear, unmistakable, eager “yes.” The opposite of rape, in other words, is mutual enthusiasm.
The root of consent is the Latin consentire, which means “with feeling.” Consent is not just about words “no” or “yes”—it’s about the unambiguous presence of desire. That’s a very different and challenging standard. No, I didn’t legally rape Katie. But her reticence and my sexual legalism conspired to leave us having sex that at least some of the time fell well short of the standard of consent we should all want in our intimate lives.
I’m not putting all the blame on myself, or on men alone. It’s not fair to expect men to read minds, or even to perfectly intuit subtle body language. As I tell the teens with whom I work, a precondition for being ready for a sexual relationship is having the courage to say a firm “No” to the people you love. Overcoming the training to be an acquiescent people-pleaser is hard-but-necessary work, and because of the way we socialize girls, difficulty with saying “no” tends to be much more common among young women.
But guys have work to do also. Too many play what I call the stoplight game. Traffic signals, of course, have three colors: red for stop, yellow for caution, green for go. Good drivers are taught to stop on “red,” which functions as a “no.” But of course, even at the busiest urban intersections, no light stays red indefinitely. If you wait long enough at a stoplight, every red will become green. And when all we do is teach young men that “no means stop” when it comes to sexual boundaries, we often send them the message that if they just wait long enough (or pester, push, nag, beg, play passive-aggressive games) they’ll get the “green light” they’re so hungry for.
In both traffic and the bedroom, the most misunderstood light is yellow. Though driver’s ed classes teach that yellow means “slow down,” most of us see it as a warning to speed up to get through the intersection before the light turns red. Sexually speaking, the yellow means what it ought to mean on the road: “slow down, son.”
♦◊♦
Most of us are good at saying “no” to something or someone we don’t like. Most (sadly, not all) find it easy to flash the red light at a creepy guy who doesn’t interest them at all. But it’s tougher to say “not yet, I’m not quite ready” or “slow down” or “maybe later” to someone to whom you’re genuinely attracted. Reflecting on the sex Katie and I had so often, I realized that she often felt rushed and pressured to go to intercourse every time. She knew how to tell me when she wasn’t in the mood to do anything sexual at all, which was when she could “flash the red light.” But on those not-infrequent occasions when she wanted to make out and “fool around” but nothing more—she had no vocabulary for that. And over and over again, I took her reticence as a sign to “try harder” rather than to slow down. The blame for that rested on both of us.
Determining what another person really wants isn’t as easy as it should be. It’s further complicated by the reality that many women (and more than a few men) want to make their partners feel good—even if they don’t desire sex itself. Distinguishing between the desire to be desired, the desire to please a partner, and the desire for sex itself isn’t easy for any of us. Sometimes we need to do more than talk about what we want—we also need to clarify for ourselves and our lovers why we want it. That’s not easy, but it’s essential. We deserve that clarity.
Katie and I lived on different sides of campus; we each walked home separately from that devastating conversation in the café. I remember the guilt and the sadness I felt on that walk, but I also remember the determination I felt. I liked sex—I loved sex—but I knew I’d rather never have it again than have it with someone who was only doing it to soothe me, to please me, or because she couldn’t find the words to say “no” or “not now.” To the best of my imperfect ability, even at my most promiscuous, I have sought to live up to that promise I made to myself on the long walk home through the Berkeley streets.
I knew I hadn’t committed any crime. But the sense of sadness—tinged with disgust—at what Katie and I had conspired to allow to happen made me feel very much like an accidental rapist. Years of working with other men around issues of consent and sexuality have taught me I’m not the only one to have felt those feelings.
We all deserve better.
—Photo kainr/Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
Vocalyze
I really, really, really wish you would re-title this article and stop talking about what happened with your college girlfriend in the same breath as you talk about rape.
If nothing else out of respect for the deep, PTSD-inducing, years-to-recover-from trauma that rape usually induces, and lack of mind reading from a partner does not. SHE explicitly told you it wasn’t rape. Why do you have to keep lumping it in with rape?
You were not an accidental rapist, you were in a relationship with a girl who had problems communicate her feelings about sex, and you didn’t pick up on it, so she told you about it, and now you are overwhelmed with misdirected guilt and shame and, frankly, being kind of a drama queen.
So very much this. Don’t cheapen! And don’t victimize when your girlfriend didn’t claim that space.
PS, sexy photo on the top of this article why? This is the unsexiest description of nonrape sex I’ve ever seen.
Excuse me??? This article is trying to send a VERY important message that rape is not *always* perpetrated by the stranger in the alley or someone who drugs you, that people you love and care about can rape you by not understanding what rape or consent truly are. This guy is in no way trying to belittle the trauma of people who have been brutally abused, so do everyone else who has been raped under different circumstances a favor – don’t belittle THEIR trauma. Coercion is NOT consent.
Also, let’s not pretend like other circumstances other than someone overpowering you for the sake of overpowering you can’t be PTSD inducing. Someone you love and trust suddenly taking advantage of you to please THEMSELVES is VERY, very traumatizing. Someone you thought cared about you suddenly showing interest only in what they want and showing no regard whatsoever for your repeated “no”s and “I’ll tell you when I’m ready”s. And people who are in abusive relationships but who can’t see it from where they are, who are staying there because the abuser has convinced them that no one else will ever love them the way he does.
You have NO place saying what does or does not cause trauma or PTSD or real “rape” for anyone except yourself. Stop it.
You seem in a hurry to minimize the author’s feelings. His feelings in this situation are as valid as any others. Seeing how ignorant you are of the world can be traumatic. There is no shame in recognizing how complex and difficult sex and communication can be.
I am speaking from the point of view of Katie, as I myself have laid in bed, silent, as my lover proceeded in one sided intercourse with my lifeless body. Although I never spoke the words “no,” I sure as hell never said “yes.” After every time that he failed to hear my silent pleas I felt used, disgusting, and damaged. I was angry at myself for keeping quiet, and confused over the reasons behind what was happening- why couldn’t i speak those words, why couldn’t he feel my displeasure, and how could he not see my tears.
I never pushed him off. I never stopped the action or told him how i felt, and therefore I was also to blame, but he should have known the difference between what Hugo refers to as the lights of attraction.
If you take the same response and apply it to any other given situation, perhaps you will better see my point. If you were to order a coffee, and was asked whether you wanted cream or sugar, would you expect the server to give them to you if you did not specifically say yes? Or, in another case, if you asked a friend to look after your child and they answered with an enthusiastic yes, and then you added that it would be for a week and they were silent, would you assume that they had agreed, or would you sense their discomfort and re-evaluate the situation?
I have never fully recovered from the unconcentual sex I shared with my ex partner. I was young and had yet to find my voice, and his lack of interest in my personal pleasure left its marks on me in the form of sexual disfunction and displeasure. Although it may not have been as traumatic as being held down and forcefully made to have sex, it was, nevertheless, a painfully horrible experience.
“but he should have known the difference between what Hugo refers to as the lights of attraction.”
The lights of attraction? I think that if someone is in a relationship with us, we generally assume they are attracted to us. Don’t you think that’s a reasonable assumption?
With that said, your situation is different from what Hugo is describing. Your making no indication that you wanted to have sex should be considered an indication that you DON’T want to. In Hugo’s case, his girlfriend made every indication that she wanted it and he had no reason to believe she didn’t. But Hugo and a lot of the other people on here think that it is still the man’s responsibility to know if the woman doesn’t want to have sex even if she gives every indication that she does. One person on here even implied that a man should be aware of his own physical attractiveness and based on that, decide whether or not a woman would want to have sex with him. That is simply ridiculous.
Sometimes when you ask me to take out the trash I don’t really want to do it but I don’t say “no” I just do it. And sometimes the movies you want to go see, well, I don’t really want to seem them but I do it anyway; I sit limp beside you in that theater seat, munching heartlessly on that stale popcorn, staring–eyes glazed–at Owen Wilson’s 30-foot face, squeezing out a few feigned laughs, all while holding your clammy hand. I wish you would be more thoughtful about what I don’t tell you. Every day you rape me a little bit more while I remain a silent victim.
Frank you’re my hero
Presenting sex as an obligation on the level of doing your share of the house work is disgusting.
I hope you understand that having your body invaded for a duration by another living being forcefully and under circumstances that by definition limit your ability to take pleasure in or respond passively to the experience is no the same as eating popcorn and watching a movie.
Right. This actually doesn’t surprise me coming from you. You’re one of those guys who think that men should never try to seduce women or initiate sex and should never have sex unless it is the woman who aggressively initiates it. I wouldn’t be surprised if next you start saying that men should be aware of whether or not women would be physically attracted to their looks and based on that should decide if a woman would want to have sex with them.
Men should be aware of their looks and try to look nice for their partners. That’s fair game for both sexes.
I didn’t say they shouldn’t.
But are you saying that even if a woman agrees to have sex with a guy and gives no indication that she doesn’t want to, that the guy should himself determine whether or not she REALLY wants to based on his assessment of how physically attractive he is? If so, you are essentially calling any unattractive guy who has sex with women a rapist. And not just that, but the modern standard of beauty for men is ridiculous. So you would be essentially saying that any guy who doesn’t look like an adolescent boy or a model should never pursue a sexual relationship with a woman.
Honestly you sound like a pathetic feminist stooge. Either that or you are gay. Gays often have the same hatred for heterosexual men that feminists do. Really they are just pissed off because most men are straight into women and have no interest in them.
it was explicitly stated that these strawwomen did NOT agree to have sex. and if it were effing ICE CREAM, would you even be trying to have this argument???
I THINK NOT.
If a woman isn’t emotionally mature enough to clearly communicate, in plain English a No to sex, then she should stop dating men, and maybe go find a girlfriend or a toy.
The motto of only yes is yes is a starting point for learning how to sexually or generally communicate boundaries. But “The opposite of rape, in other words, is mutual enthusiasm.” is a useful guide as well.
If you don’t feel free to give a no, or a slow down, there is an accumulating trauma. No, it’s not nasty words and broken bottle at your neck Rape, but that doesn’t mean it’s not violation.
It’s a different situation than a power gambit of violence to intimidate but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t cause pain and fear and isolation and something breaking between people.
It’s a mature mind that can come to the understanding that there are grey areas. Communication on both sides are needed and not always there when needed and that can break things.
She says its not rape therefore is isn’t is giving credit of self-definition to her but as a mixed up teen without orientation, does she understand clearly enough to know?
If the word rape is too much of a trigger, use another. Is it rape by a partner if the partner denies? What if she thought more and got angry and said it was her fault too but it still was crossing the line and wasn’t a matter of mind-reading? Should he know, should the culture raise everyone to understand that anything but yes is no?
But if a man initiates sexual interaction with a woman and the woman reciprocates and gives no indication that she does not want it, then how is a man supposed to know she does not want to do it? Are you suggesting that men should never initiate sexual interactions with women and should always wait for the women to do it? Then what about men, couldn’t a man not want it and go along with it anyways? Good luck trying to convince any woman that she is an “accidental rapist” for making the moves on a guy without him doing it first.
But you don’t see that, when you fail to put your foot down, express your actual feelings, and silently acquiesce to being fucked, the violation is self-imposed? You’re putting your self-possession in the hands of another person, instead of taking responsibility for it yourself. If you can’t be expected to do that much, then the central tenet of feminism (that women are equal to men) is false; you’re barely a step above children, and the relationship is not one of equals, but of stewardship by men.
“If you don’t feel free to give a no, or a slow down, there is an accumulating trauma. No, it’s not nasty words and broken bottle at your neck Rape, but that doesn’t mean it’s not violation”.
If anyone violated the ‘woman’ in your example it is the woman herself and not the man. If a woman feels dirty and wrong for masturbating herself does that mean her hand violated her? Obviously many women including yourself need to grow up and start being accountable for your own decisions and actions.
Great post!
I know that many of the commenters feel like you are being over dramatic, but speaking from your girlfriends perspective I can completely relate to this article and I’ve been looking everywhere for another person who was able to put into words how I felt so thank you for doing that. I am 20 now, but I was 19 like you when a similar thing happened to me. It was with my first boyfriend (I was his first also) and he had a bad habit of pressuring me until I gave in because he knew full well that I hated to disappoint or upset people. The first time I ever touched him was when he grabbed my wist and forced me to while I was telling him to stop. We talked about it afterwards and he promised not to force anything or guilt me anymore. Flash forward a few months, a few days after his dads death, we were alone in his house making out and he began to beg to give me oral sex and get some in return. I had made it clear to him on many separate occasions that it was unfair of him to get me wiled up and then ask for things that I had said no too previously (nothing against oral sex, I just didn’t want it yet). Needless to say I gave in and ended up regretting it. He however, knowing full well how I felt,continued to pressure me into doing it. Was it rape? No because I said yes everytime, but was he a jerk for pressuring me and prodding me? ABSOlUTLY. And did he turn the guilt back on me when I tried to confront him about it? You sure bet he did… I think that learning to communicate about sexual things is an important skill that a lot of people in their teens and twenties lack. I sure as hell did, but I’ve learned from it.
My wife and I haven’t had sex in over a year. I have asked her what,if anything,I can do to change this. I am kind and thoughtful. I give her back massages and treat her well. Last month she told me it wasn’t my fault , and she has never had a big sex drive. I have never,nor will ever, force her, but I don’t think I should be forced to become a catholic priest either. The pain and hurt of this is almost unbearable for me. I am nothing but a paycheck.
The lack of or diminishment of a sex drive does not in any way mean that you are only a paycheck to your wife. That would imply that the absolute only reason that you married her was for sex. I would assume (I would hope) that rather you two decided to get married out of mutual love, regard, and affection. If there is a medical reason for your wife’s low sex drive, she should see a doctor. In any case, you two should probably see counseling, perhaps both separately as well as with a couples therapist, potentially with a sex therapist.
“That would imply that the absolute only reason that you married her was for sex.”
Sex is a normal, regular, and important part of a married relationship. Your comment was a shamming response for JJ to tolerate his wife’s neglect and disregard for him. If the woman lacked a sex drive she should have let him know that upfront. JJ could have been happily married to a woman who sexually connected with him.
I wrote JJ when I meant to write jonw1.
If your wife has no medical or psychological reason for not having sex with you, then you should tell her that if she cannot change, then you will have to get it elsewhere.
jonw1,
I understand. It seems as if she doesn’t regard sex as a valid part of the reason to get and stay married. You are an adult man and you are entitled to enjoy physical passion with a wife or female partner. I would discretely speak with a qualified male divorce attorney and a male therapist to help coach you through this time. Ignore those comments from any woman trying to manipulate and shame you that your complaining about the lack of sex suggests you only married her for sex.
What I should have clarified is in her eyes I am nothing but a paycheck. When we were first married we seemed to have all those things, but it seemed to decline until we are at this point now. I treat her with respect, but the rejection of affection is so painful. We have children,so I don’t want to divorce. Perhaps her condition is medical. I don’t know. Thanks for the advice.
This is crazy. Look, when I married my husband I consented to being sexually available to him at all times (barring injury, illness, etc). There is no, “I didn’t feel like having sex but did it anyway and now I feel used.” He is absolutely entitled to any part of my body at any time, and I fully consented to this when I let him slip the ring on my finger. It’s a permanent, one-time-accounts-for-all-future instances consent. I don’t give it then take it back as I choose. Likewise my husband gave full present-and-future consent to provide for me. Can you even imagine going to your wife and saying, “Honey, sometimes I provide for you when I don’t really want to. It makes me feel violated. I need to feel safe saying ‘No’ at times to paying for your cell phone bill and shopping trips. I need you to respect when I don’t feel emotionally ready to pay for you to eat. Please show that you understand that by patiently starving until I feel good about providing.”
For you to worry that your wife doesn’t consent to sex or want it is just insane. She’s your WIFE. In my opinion the act of getting married is blanket consent. She is most definitely using you as a paycheck and not at all giving you what you are entitled to in return. Dump this selfish, neurotic woman and please find a better one.
Whoa…..that sounds suspiciously like him paying you to use your body or some kind of BDSM arrangement ;0. Relax relax…I’m using hyperbole here and certainly not actually accusing of of that but it was my first reaction. When people get married they aren’t giving full and total consent for either person to pay for things or to give it up sexually unless they specifically negotiate that. What they are doing (generally) is choosing to live a life together as partners. They support each other in many ways, including monetarily which means that if one partner cannot earn money for some reason, the other one should step up. It also means each partner has the right to say no to sex is something is up (illness, bad mood, argument, etc). Your body belongs to you, and his belongs to him. You are, again in my opinion, choosing to share your bodies with each other, sharing your salaries with each other, sharing the work of the home (however you divide it) with each other. Cause, you know…partnership….
But, if your system works well for you that’s all good. Enjoy. Just don’t expect that all people want this particular model, sex for paycheck deal, cause that’s how it sounds. No one should be used for paycheck or for sex, period in a relationship.
Well, I’ve been with the same woman for 18 years. We have sex when we both feel like it- she doesn’t own my body, or I hers. Less quantity but DEFINITELY more quality when both want it rather than just “going along with it”. As far as money goes, well . . . whichever of us has more money helps out the other. We’ve kept note of who’s helped out when- some times I’ve owed her, other times she’s owed me. Reason for that is that we trust the other to be in a state where we can pay it back- otherwise we’re saying, “You’ll never be successful enough to pay this back.” So we are neither each other’s paychecks nor concubines.