What’s Your Story of “Providing?”
One story I hear over and over again, from all sorts of men, rich and poor, liberal and conservative, of many races and ethnicities, is the need to provide for their families financially. Countless men have given up some career that gave them joy, and take on some hated but lucrative job, in order to make sure that their family has the money they need. For other men, their wife has more wealth or income, and this has its own set of consequences in the family dynamic. There are men who are wracked by guilt for not being able to provide enough for their family, sometimes to the point of suicide. For many men, it is as their very manhood is defined by their ability to be able to seen as good providers.
This post is about you. Leave your story in the comments, if short (under 200 words). Please submit longer ones to David Kaiser at davidwkaiser@yahoo.com and we will run them as posts in a special section about this topic
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Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
About Dave Kaiser
My ex girlfriend and I had a child together when we were 21. I am now 23 turning 24, and have yet to establish a genuine relationship with my son. She wanted me to drop out of university and start working right away to provide for him. I had to stay in school so I wouldn’t be stuck working a 20-35k a year job while tackling 3 years of university debt. Needless to say, she tried to find money from other guys, leaving me on teh sidelines and abandoning me in her search for a guy to provide her with money.
She had a job, while I was stuck working 60+ hour weeks doing construction, then she’d expect me to come home and take care of her because she’s pregnant and wait hands and feet on her until I goto sleep. Not a day went by without her yelling at me, screaming at me, calling me at work, disrupting my status on the job. I just couldn’t do it anymore so I had to leave the abuse I was putting up with.
She didn’t care for my well-being,If she had’ve been patient the money would’ve come, but now I have 3 years of guilt, a 30k debt load, and only court cases on teh horizon. I am tired of having girls judge me for my job is worth, and start judging me for what I am worth.
I don’t have much money now, as I am in debt, making minimum payments, and addressing my future career while pursuing summer jobs and/or full-time jobs. I need to make it clear that this is too, a gendered reality, and then I get ragged on for not being a suitable ‘breadwinner’ and on the other hand, I get ragged on for ‘having it so good’ because I’m male. If girls want guys to stop judging them based on their appearance, they too have a part to play in not judging guys based on what they make and then insulting them for making more.
Obviously I am not a man and therefore not entitled to speak for men.
I support men being the best humans they can be. Just as I support women doing the same.
I think men and women see what being the best they can be, very differently.
If I can generalise, women may be more likely to define their self worth by their relationships and men by their capacity to bring home the bacon. I fully support individuals following what gives them their sense of self worth regardless of gender. I think where the resentment of the traditional roles kicks in when the men feel they are kicked out of the community they are bringing the bacon home for. My husband wants my son to live with him even though it will cost him far more. My son’s father will do everything he can to get out of paying $50pw child support on his weekly income of $1200. I am now permanently disabled and am forced to rely on Centrelink benefits ($350pw) after being the only income earner in the marriage – and on a high wage with post grad education. That $50 goes a very long way towards his son. My ex doesn’t represent all men but it does seem important to a lot of men to be there for that meal their kid eats, if they contribute anything towards that meal like my son’s. It seems when men feel disenfranchised from the family, that the resentment to contribute kicks in. Is this how it feels for men?
BTW, I’m not talking the cases when the CSA formula applied to certain parents, financially bankrupt them. It is much tougher financially for both parents to live independently, regardless of whoever the child lives with. Accommodation is the most expensive outlay we have and it really eats into the money available for the child/ren for both parents. It is much cheaper to stay together and I do realise there are some really tough cases where the standard formula doesn’t work out for all individual cases.
Great stories, keep them coming
As a 23 year old husband & father I haven’t been in business long but I’m learning exactly why this isn’t for every man. Providing for my little family is harder than I had imagined. Watching my dad as I grew up showed me plenty enough to know I could do this though. I’ve lost countless employment, leading me back to entrepreneurship.
I am just starting out being a “good man” but this stuff was instilled in me by another good man years ago. When providing, things get tough. But there is a 43 year old man, who brought me here & provided for me. This man is known as Dad & he will show you providing is second nature to those who simply love another.