Tracy Moore at Jezebel thinks their readers should learn to embrace “intrigue” over sexual attraction in their potential lovers.
When I saw the title of the article, “How to Have Sex with Someone You Don’t Think Is Hot,” I thought, now here’s advice no one has needed, ever, in the free world. Why would Jezebel be advising women on survival sex? So I did what the editors there wanted me to do and clicked through to Tracy Moore’s report on a humorously proposed holiday: “Have Sex with an Ugly Person Day.”
Moore reports on Lance Manion’s suggested celebration on April 2 with her own, alternative holiday: “Have Sex With an Intriguing Person Day,” on April 3. Moore describes Manion himself “a non-photo-providing man with what I hope is a made-up last name,” and his made up holiday this way:
It’s exactly what it sounds like, where beautiful people stoop to entwine limbs with the least genetically blessed among us, all in the comical spirit of asking “What is beauty” and “Are we too fixated on the media and its obsession with physical attractiveness?” Excellent questions, Lance Manion. How do you purport to address them?
While embracing the same hot and folksy jumble of so-called “wisdom” around who’s hot and who’s not, Moore admits that no one can say who is beautiful (according to her profile, she was once sure Corey Haim would never find her attractive.) Moore is certain that Manion’s definition of “really ugly” is “superficial”: that beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone. Which cliché about beauty are we supposed to believe? The author doesn’t make this any easier by introducing a replacement in “intriguing,” which might be the new “good personality,” as in, “Sure, he’s ugly, but he’s quite intriguing.”
Again, from Moore:
And you can argue all day long about the benefits of banging a supermodel, but I don’t think anyone can deny that there are ugly people out there who are completely under appreciated and who would love the opportunity, for better or worse, to have sex with a gorgeous male or female.”
Sure, for the sake of argument, there are ugly people—by someone’s definition—who are under appreciated, again, by someone’s definition, and who would love to bang a gorgeous (again, subjective) male and/or female (uh, ditto). Why are supermodels now “opportunities” to be won, not people with the right to their own private sex lives? A supermodel might even be reading this article. Moore might have had her agreeing with her up to this point, when she tried to give her away like a prize. But besides that, she has proved exactly nothing about anything.
But again, for the sake of argument, let’s say that scientists know more than lovers about who is attractive, and that so called “mixed attractiveness” couples can be said to objectively exist. What are the implications for poor Manion?
But if, as we are told in most studies, most people pair off with their aesthetic equals, then Manion is wrong that there is some kind of injustice in ugly people getting laid by other ugly people, when in fact, that seems to be “How it Works.” Clearly, Manion just wants to fuck someone prettier than he is. While this is not a crime, we suggest he rethink hotness in his favor.
There’s so much to unpack here. There’s no reason to believe that because things just work that way, that they’re fair. Is it right that one percent of the people in the US own more than a third of all its wealth? No, but that is “How it Works,” at least for now. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to change things. But is there anything that could, or should, be changed to satisfy Manion? Is he entitled to fuck someone prettier than himself, as Moore claims, and is declaring a holiday with ribbons and mercy fucks the way to do it?
No, but not for the reasons you think. It turns out that those ugly people who wish like anything they could bang a supermodel are the ones who are great in bed, according to Moore, and beautiful people should be so lucky as to have such good sex. It’s not in the beauty of who you’re fucking, she says, it’s their talent in the sack. Doesn’t this perfectly match gender roles as we know them: that men are judged on their ability to do, and women on their ability to look good? Even in bed: it’s about men’s “performance.”
Moore claims intriguing people are good at sex, and that’s why you should stop seeking out attractive (to you) people, and start looking for the intriguing ones and have sex with them, instead. She evidently believes that: A) attractive people aren’t intriguing; B) people she finds intriguing are going to please her as lovers; and C) chemistry equates with technical skill. But believing that intriguing people are going to turn you on if you just give them a chance is just as false as believing that beauty makes someone hot in bed. And finally, pure talent at sex isn’t a sure indicator of sexual chemistry.
So I’m sorry, Tracy, but I don’t think you’ve hit on a scientific answer to the question of chemistry any more than poor Lance has. But I can tell you one thing, and it is that if there is anything we do know about sexual attraction, it’s that there is no telling what people will find hot. So keep experimenting.
Read more on The Good Life.
Image credit: Sam Howzit/Flickr
About Justin Cascio
I am too afraid to click on the last link you posted there. Good article Justin.
Ha! Thanks for your feedback on my first draft of this essay, Dani, I appreciated it and I think it’s made this version more clear. Please don’t fear that final link. I don’t know if you were reading us last spring, but there was a dust up over an essay about admiring women for particular assets. It spun off into many response pieces, including the one I’ve linked to here, which was my take on the subject.
Justin, did you know that the average woman finds 80% of young men to be physically unattractive and ugly?
The looks, appearance, bodies of the vast majority of men do nothing for women.
Bro, women have no choice but to have sex with ‘ugly’ men.
I don’t think women or men who are sexually attracted to men find them ugly. Women, do you think Tim is correct?
Thats why they are attracted to so few of them.
Thats why most women have to base attraction on qualities other than looks, because men’s looks are never enough to cause attraction in the majority of cases.
How many times when you go out, you catch women checking you out?
How many times have you been approached and pursued by women in your life?
Honestly, Tim? Women check me out all the time.
Justin, Great cheeky writing and I hope she finds a good therapist to work through her issues.
Yeah, I’ve never heard such a thing, and I’ve spent a lot more time with women than most of you, probably (two sisters, lots of aunts, tons of female friends, spent years working with only women, have a degree in women’s studies…).
What I *have* discovered, however, is that women find certain traits attractive maybe even more than looks.
One example of this might be that my female friends will find more guys in a situation “hot” depending upon what they’re doing.
Playing volleyball? You don’t even have to see their faces to say “those guys are hot”. Engaged dads at a park with kids? Most of them hot. Funny guy, cracking you (or someone else) up? Hot. Firefighters/cops/lifeguards/soldiers/paramedics? Almost all hot.
Take those same guys, put them in a lineup against a wall, with no interaction or expression of personality? I bet the “hotness rating” goes down drastically.
Maybe it’s the same for guys, too. I can’t say. But for women, context and personality is a big part of what makes a guy hot.
That doesn’t mean don’t find guys hot out of context, too. We definitely ogle and check out. But our “checking out” is probably significantly more subtle than some guys check out girls. We don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable, a lot of the time.
A guy may not realize a woman thinks he’s hot, because she’s peeking a look when he’s not looking and she 99% of the time won’t say, “you’re hot” or “you’re handsome” to a stranger.
That’s a really good point about context, Joanna.
Agreed, and another woman who has posted below, Dj, seems to agree, though I think men are also sensitive to context. When I hear men responding to the question of when they’ve found a woman hot, the answers can be very specific, and are about how they feel about this woman as a person, the lighting, what they’ve been doing, where they are… maybe it’s more a case of men not being taught that it’s okay or manly to talk about such sensual details or emotional context.
“What I *have* discovered, however, is that women find certain traits attractive maybe even more than looks. ”
really? so why so many women crazy and obsessed with good looking celebrity and male models? Why so many young girls crazy and obsessed with Channing Tatum , Robert Pattinson, and other celebrity guys, when their personality ( hello Channing and Robert? ) is not really interesting? I have sisters and many female friends too, and from what I have seen, they always have a good looking guys as their idol. I never see young teenage girls idolizing comedian and athlete who dont have good looks. Do you know the new kpop booms among young girls? You know what makes young girls so much into kpop? Because kpop boyband members are cute and hot. They are not comedian.
I don’t know, but I think men and women are not really different in this department.
Maybe women think they are so different for their attraction because they think men attraction is solely based on women looks and men never think women hot because of other traits. But seriously, what you describe here:
“Playing volleyball? You don’t even have to see their faces to say “those guys are hot”. Engaged dads at a park with kids? Most of them hot. Funny guy, cracking you (or someone else) up? Hot. Firefighters/cops/lifeguards/soldiers/paramedics? Almost all hot.
Take those same guys, put them in a lineup against a wall, with no interaction or expression of personality? I bet the “hotness rating” goes down drastically.”
we men often feel that way too. Female athletes, even when they are not really pretty, are hot. Engaged moms with kids, hot!!! Funny women, hot!!!!!!!!! Nurses, teacher, CEO or manager who are women, HOT!!!!!!!!
The only differences between us I think is men care for their own appearance less then women. Because majority of women always care for their body, skin, and clothes more, of course there would be more hot women ( pysically ) than hot men.Thats why women always turn their attratcion for celebrity and male models. Well who are guys who never feel ashamed for taking care of their appearance and showing their good looks? Yes celebrity and models.
Since you asked…
My take is that at first glance around a crowded public place, I might only notice the men who fit my definition of hotness. (The first thing I notice about a man is his facial hair. Those with beards/mustaches get on my radar faster than those without.)
But upon a closer look at any individual man, I can usually find something attractive about him – facial hair or not.
I can’t be certain, but I have a feeling this is how it works with most women. Guys we are attracted to are the first ones we notice – this is subconscious. Sit us down with any guy from the remainder, and the conscious levels of attraction kick in. So yeah, maybe 80% of guys won’t catch my attention at first, but that doesn’t mean I find them patently unattractive.
It’s not like the choices are “attractive” or “ugly” anyway. There’s also a “meh” reaction/rating, for those who leave us neither hot nor cold. I have trouble imagining it’s not the same for men, that there aren’t women you (a) don’t notice or (b) say “meh” to. Come on. Really?
As for checking out, approaching, or complimenting a man (in this context I’m talking about a stranger in public), there are *so* many more factors than just whether we find them physically attractive. I consider it inappropriate to approach or compliment, or be obvious about checking a guy out, because I am married. Other women may be shy, or intimidated, or fearful, or just taking in the scenery and not interested in engaging at any given moment. This is the other layer of the “context’ thing Joanna mentioned. The context has to be right for an approach. Putting aside the marriage barrier for a moment, I could find a guy totally attractive, and totally unapproachable, because of the context.
“I can’t be certain, but I have a feeling this is how it works with most women. Guys we are attracted to are the first ones we notice – this is subconscious. Sit us down with any guy from the remainder, and the conscious levels of attraction kick in. So yeah, maybe 80% of guys won’t catch my attention at first, but that doesn’t mean I find them patently unattractive”
when I first met my current girlfriend, I don’t even notice her because I found her looks are average. After knowing her for months ( yes months!! ) suddenly shes become more and more attractive to me ( even physically ) to the point I always think about her anytime and anywhere it makes me sick ( its before shes became my girlfriend ). So yes, I think its the same for men.
I think why men put so much more into women looks more than women is because the images of beautiful women are everywhere. On billboards, on magazine ( even women magazine), on movies, on streets. Average women care for their appearance much much more then average men. Men are told to like beautiful women, if not, well they are not men right? For me, I have always like kind and charming women more than just a pretty faces or hot bodies, and I’m sure its the same for many other men.
I’d like to see that data.
The data, thats a good question.
One day when I have enough resources I’m gonna conduct a mega scale study that would involve a million people of both sexes, showing them atleast a 1000 images of young people of the opposite sex who are representative of the population. (Ofcourse selecting those images would be a difficult task itself). They would be asked to rate the physical attractiveness of each of the 1000 people. Perhaps on a scale of 1-10 or on a qualitative one such as very attractive, reasonably attractive, somewhat attractive, unattractive.
The results would be averaged out and I am willing to bet that the men would find the overwhelming majority of women to be atleast somewhat attractive. Not so much the other way round.
In the meantime, you can do with these OKCupid statistics.
http://cdn.okcimg.com/blog/your_looks_and_inbox/Female-Messaging-Curve.png
http://cdn.okcimg.com/blog/your_looks_and_inbox/Male-Messaging-Curve.png
…Or take the word of several individual males, including me, that when they go to a college campus, they easily find 75% of the young females there to have some physical appeal to them, reasonably attractive and obviously acceptable for sex.
But pictures aren’t people, Tim.
Not just that (which is a very valid point), but Tim, that’s just not how science works. If you go into an experiment with as heavy a bias as you already have, I bet you anything the data will confirm your bias – because you’ll (consciously or not) design a study that will confirm what you already believe. The scientific method starts with a hypothesis and ends with a theory (AFTER peer review and duplication of the results), not the other way around. So don’t even pretend your opinion has a basis in fact, because right now, it’s just a hunch.
you haven’t said what EXACTLY is flawed about this study?
Do you have a problem because you think it would be BIASED since you presume that I would personally conduct this study OR do you think its inherently FLAWED by design?
If you presumed the former, let me clarify that I didn’t mean that I would personally design, conduct and interpret such a study. Obviously sociologists who are well versed with scientific methods would conduct it.
Is this even open for debate? Most men find most women attractive. Not necessarily hot, or smokin, but attractive. Most women find most men less than attractive. How do I “know” this? Because this is what I’ve been told by men and women ever since I found most women attractive. If this isn’t the case then tell me how I can reboot the last fifty years of my life.
…On second thought, skip it. Someone remind me again why I get sucked into these articles. Maybe its because I get tired of the attractive people trying to save the rest of us from our unattractive selves. For the love of sweet baby Jesus, just put a cork in it.
And for the record, most of us don’t envy you.
I think what men and women do to their appearance really matter to their attractiveness. I’m a straight guy but I can say when a man is attractive. In USA and most country in Asia and Africa, majority of men are not attractive because they don’t care for their appearance. They don’t bother have fat bellies and wearing ugly loose t shirt and jeans everywhere. But in western Europe its another story. Even though I’m a straight guy, I have a hard time not to ogle other men in Sweden, Spain, Italy, and France. Seriously, they are so much more groomed, better sense of fashion, have better bodies much more than other men in other parts of the world. I only sexually attracted to women, but I think attractiveness is not based on gender. I have met really gorgeous men that are much much more attractive than most women I know, but I’m not sexually interested in them.
I’m pansexual, female bodied, and mostly female identified (90%) of the time.
Put me in a room with 10 ciswomen, 10 cismen and this is likely what will happen:
I will find 1/10 women physically attractive, but I will be able to chat/flirt/be awkward with most of them.
I will find 8/10 men physically attractive, talk to all of them, but likely will only find myself flirting/interested in a couple of them. The others I will find boring.
So, even though I’m attracted to more men, I’m more likely to flirt/spend my time pursuing a woman because I find them more interesting to talk to. Or, in other words, more intriguing. Maybe this has to do with the way I flirt, that more women tend to respond to my innuendo or my jokes.
Whatever it is, how “intriguing” I find someone has a lot to do with whether or not I want to have sex with them.