Sometimes you have to let go of your regrets, and focus on how successful your future can be.
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As a twenty-something young man in intense emotional pain, I wondered what it would ultimately take to be free of regret and suffering. The pain of another failed relationship was killing me. She wasn’t going to change. So, I did. First, I let go of what was eating me up internally. I realized I was my own problem. Secondly, I got into action as part of the solution.
The best form of internal action I know is forgiveness. People who forgive get stronger. What’s funny is that on the surface, forgiveness looks like the weakest thing ever, especially for men. It’s actually just the opposite. While regret can keep us weighted down, men who forgive immediately feel lighter, freer, without pain, and more empowered. They also take something back in the forgiveness process — their personal power.
If you want to go from wounded to well, learn to give new meaning to what the pain or circumstance means in your life.
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With power in pocket, forgiveness opens a massive door to greater understanding, unconditional love, and peace within. Here are three bitter regrets that men spend a lifetime struggling with and how you can turn a bitter regret into life’s better bet right away.
Bitter Regret #1: I wish he or she had never done that!
A wounded person doesn’t have to stay wounded forever.
If you want to go from wounded to well, learn to give new meaning to what the pain or circumstance means in your life. I dropped the “damaged goods” label for the “healed warrior” moniker.
I saw myself as a better and stronger person because my relationship and the problems in it were something I needed to experience to become the person I truly wanted to be.
Without that shift in perception, I wouldn’t have healed.
Life’s Better Bet: Life is not happening to you, but for you to provide a valuable lesson.
Bitter Regret #2: I wish he or she would apologize already and make this right!
You hope and pray that one day he or she will apologize to you. But if you play the percentages, you will be waiting a lifetime for an apology you might not get. Steve waited sixty years for his father to apologize to him for not being a present dad.
It never came.
Steve had reached a point in his life where he was physically ill and struggling with severe guilt. He was losing his life to high blood pressure and unrelenting stress, and he’d gotten a dire prognosis from his doctor.
Steve’s emotions toward his father, bottled up for years, had turned into barrage of anger and negative energy. His fear was that once he confronted his hurt caused by his father, the pain would never stop flowing. That never happened.
With his back against the wall, Steve stopped running and found the courage to forgive his father. He sat down right where he was, imagined his father sitting in front of him, and said aloud,
“Dad, I forgive you for not being there. I am willing to be without you forever. All is forgiven.”
As the pain of that statement rose up on the inside, Steve did not resist. He allowed the pain to be there. He just sat with it and felt it fully for twenty minutes. Then, just like that, the pain was gone for good.
In the process of dealing with what’s on the inside, Steve allowed himself to be who he really was, like a small child who feels emotion and moves on quickly to the next thing. Steve also was able to accomplish the one thing his father could not. He was present to himself.
Suddenly, he didn’t need his father to be there anymore. He realized he needed to be open to the love within himself and let the rest go. Today, Steve is healthy and vibrant, and just got an “all clear” report from the doctor.
Life’s Better Bet: Accept the apology you will never receive. The willingness to feel what has been buried inside is the key to getting your freedom and happiness back.
Bitter Regret #3: I wish I had been easier on myself!
We commit spiritual harm to ourselves when we judge others. Willie carried years of judgment and guilt with him wherever he went. He grew up with eight brothers and sisters, taking it upon himself to be the main provider for a single family home.
The truth is resolving your inner burden releases the unbearable weight you carry around.
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Although he answered the call of hero when his family needed him the most, they didn’t need a superman as adults. Willie realized he didn’t need to constantly direct his siblings. His judgment of them was killing his soul. He needed to change his perception of himself.
So he got the courage one day to give up the unrelenting weight of being the hero and martyr to his family. He imagined his siblings in the room sitting around him and he told them aloud;
“I did what I had to do to raise you, but now the pain of being your martyr is killing me. I give you the freedom to be you and I release myself from being your authority forever.”
Willie suddenly stood up straight for the first time in years. He found a freedom and lightness he hadn’t recognized since he was a small boy.
The truth is resolving your inner burden releases the unbearable weight you carry around. Self-forgiveness and self-love provide the seeds to release yourself from suffering that is no longer yours to bear.
As a forty something adult today, my life and my relationships aren’t perfect, but they are infinitely better and more loving because I have been forgiving towards myself.
Here’s the Better Bet: Find a space to be kind and compassionate to the one person who can benefit the most—you.
Here’s the Ultimate Bet: Making a decision to forgive is one of the most healing exercises you can ever do. It’s never too late to start.
Feel free to share your victories of turning bitter regrets into better bets in the comments below!
By Taylor Tagg
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Photo: Flickr/Kalyan Chakravarthy