I dearly appreciated this feminine insight, but this wasn’t the end because animal Brandon wasn’t satisfied physically and human Brandon wasn’t satisfied logically. Because to be fair, we also have to consider the guy, don’t we? What about his “deep, healthy, all-persuasive instinct”? What if it’s to have multiple partners? What if man and woman are innately at odds over this area of sex?—you know, kind of a yin/yang deal. If so, where do my needs end and hers begin? Do one person’s needs take priority?
I imagined this instinctual mismatch playing out in the real world, men and women bending to get what they want. I saw all the guys in clubs—the lines they say, the promises they make (not just deceiving women—knowingly or unknowingly—about their actual interest, but also themselves). Integrity is forfeited and people get hurt. What a game!
There’s got to be a better way. A more up-front, honorable approach to this conundrum.
Uh oh.
My logic brought me to a conclusion that was shocking, humbling, and a bit scary.
Prostitution.
Because compared to the common male behavior as described above, it seemed a lot simpler and honest to just have the guts to admit one is in it for the sex and visit a hooker.
But, man! In my desire to act responsibly I was coming full-circle back to talking about Westerners and prostitutes. What the hell?!
♦◊♦
Then it dawned on me.
I saw a culprit common to myself, the guy in multi-girl relationships, fellas who seek prostitutes, or the guys who just plain ol’ use their girlfriend. We are all at the mercy of our animal side.
At the beginning of this trial, I assumed a need to appease the animal. But I remembered and realized that I don’t have to fight or control this urge in the classic sense of resistance. I can do something more; I can redefine my urges.
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At the beginning of this trial, I assumed a need to appease the animal. But I remembered and realized that I don’t have to fight or control this urge in the classic sense of resistance. I can do something more; I can redefine my urges.
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I had realized this once before and so recalled the inspiration. A character from literature introduced me to such a plateau of understanding. It refined my sexual attraction, and thus, which women I was going to be sexually affected by. It cleared the way for the human side of me to take charge.
One of Ayn Rand’s great characters, Francisco d’Anconia, spoke these words:
Some people think that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one’s mind, choice, or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you.
But, in fact, a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself.
He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires the strongest.
Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives — and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other.
Love is our response to our highest values, and can be nothing else. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body… His body will always follow the logic of his deepest convictions.
It’s as if these words revealed truths within I didn’t know were there, pulling me up and out of the animal state. They inspired me to live by the high standards I set for myself. Almost immediately, my animal side was tamed as he should be–as a complement to my humanity, a feature of humankind rather than a definition. And I took to heart the idea that attraction was not based on a nice body, but rather a compatible mind and spirit.
I remembered that I get to have a conscious say in defining sexual attraction. No doubt, my animal likes who he likes, but how much am I going to be led by the animal? This is, in part, an attitude to recognize, a logic to understand, and a matter of mind over body. We often recognize that sexual attraction is more than a physical phenomenon, but so often, as was the case when I came to China, we forget how deep this truth can be and how strong it can take us over.
♦◊♦
Relearning this truth in China has given me a solution that solves my conflict. I do have a third option. I can exist in a realm that stays “above the fray” and in line with my “fundamental convictions,” focused on what my human side yearns for. With this, I don’t have to compromise my integrity and get into a disingenuous relationship. I have a greater capacity to be considerate to others, to avoid objectifying women. I am freer to get to know people and not try to be something that human Brandon isn’t. Less discouragement, less obsession, less force, and no, Darnell, I’m not going to be a heart-breaker.
I realized that all people live by their animal and human sides (women, too, which explains why, in Zhuhai, they want the Western man even before they meet him). It’s probably two parts of the brain acting in complicated tandem, each person having a different barometer determining what level makes them content. Many Western men seemed to be okay with their conquests of the local population.
But that’s not in my best interest.
Celibacy? Sure, until my sexual attraction is sparked by a kindred spirit.
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—Photo Philippe Put/Flickr
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About Brandon Ferdig
Vocalyze
As a female who spent two years living in China, I want to bring up a point that I see as important in this discussion. Chinese culture is very different from what we are used to as Westerners, and relationships and marriage in China are very affected by their culture. First of all, unmarried women after a certain age carry a large stigma. (So spending time with an unmarried Chinese girl could be delaying her eventual marriage to a nice Chinese boy) Also, the families of these Chinese women will often judge them very harshly for taking up with Western men. It seems wrong, but it’s usually true. Take it into consideration that she’s taking a huge risk and her reputation could be suffering because of sleeping with you. Because of the stigma, Chinese women will sometimes sleep with Western men, hoping for a marriage proposal. Whatever you do, if you do sleep with a Chinese girl, don’t go home to meet her family. They will all expect a marriage proposal and the girl will be looked at as a slut when you eventually break things off.
And then: think of all the Western girls, like me, who aren’t getting any because all the Western guys are sleeping with the local girls! What are we supposed to do, sleep with Chinese men? Find some Western women to hook up with. They are likely uber horny. Yes, we have that animal side, too.
Wow – racism against Chinese men. Another White Woman reality unmasked.
wow… sucks for you, hairy, big boned white woman… the silky, slender, chinese woman trumps you by a mile
You are a bloody fool talking about white women like that. You probably are one of those losers who could never get a woman at home and feel like a king when a chinese prostitute sleeps with you for money!
@Digrarch – You’ve clear never been with a Chinese Girl in your life!! I like Chinese Girls, many are my best friends and trust me when I say this……Chinese Girls are by far hairier than any western women I’ve ever met and I’m not just talking about the bush area. I do yoga with these girls and when they lift their arms up in the air I can’t see their armpit, not to mention their carpet legs!! Big boned, I go to University with foreigners and Ive lived in Shandong for 2 years, I’ve met 1 big boned women, she was American and her personality was beautiful!! All the others were gorgeous 5ft 5-10in slender mail blondes and brunettes from England, America, Russia, Ukraine, Canada and Australia. I myself am a 5ft 9in slender 60kg women with long straight brown hair and blue eyes OH and I shave
My current bf left his Chinese girlfriend/just a few dates girlfriend to ask me out, I accepted and she became a total nut job who stalked us for 2 mths. Were still together and the stalking has stopped. Bottom line is a man like you can have ANY Chinese silky, slender Girl he wants as long as you show her the cash up front because with your attitude I highly doubt that you get ‘laid’ by anyone. Good Day 
))
It’s fine to ponder all of this academically, but why not leave it until you’ve at least tried to have a relationship before laying down your judgement on other people based on the testimony of a few laowai barflies? You can learn Chinese, lots of Chinese women can speak English, and there are many women around who have much more liberal ideas about relationships than you imagine – so long as you are up-front and open about your intentions. And what’s wrong with entering into a serious relationship with one of them? What are you scared of? Maybe you don’t think they are good enough for you.
The Ayn Rand quote was hilarious by the way. Do a bit of reading about her personal life and you’ll see why.
Yeah I hate her too…. so smart, so dumb wich one is IT?
Using Ayn Rand quotes to define your masculinity is the academic equivalent to getting advice on being a man from Cosmopolitan magazine. You are asking an apple what it’s like to be an orange.
Easy on the generalizations. They are condescending at best. The behavior you describe is just as common back home as it is here. There is a reason the West is enjoying the highest divorce rates in human history.
Lay off thinking about the times ten rule. It is a fallacy. The majority of girls you may meet who will fawn over you and adore you are the same women you will meet in a bar every Friday night back home. I affectionately call them “bar skanks” and god love them.
Those guys you speak of who are whoring around and enjoying multiple relationships, are the same dudes at that same bar back home. Nothing is that different, I only assume you didn’t get out much before you came to Asia.
The one point of this whole thing that is true, was made by the commenter “Morgan”. She is right about how serious a relationship is in China and you must be careful to avoid those pitfalls, yet, she fails to account for the growing majority of young Chinese who are bucking the system and going against those archaic ideals.
Get off the pedestal and go meet a girl. Take nothing at face value and any advice you are given about Chinese people and relationships should come with an obligatory “But…….” at the end. This is true for both what the foreigners and the Chinese say.
Chinese people are amazing, they are complex in their thinking and morality far beyond our Western pseudo-Christian mentality. Once you stop thinking about “good” Brandon “bad” Brandon in such simplistic terms, both your life and your writing will become far more interesting.
Hey Xi’an Man,
If you continue to provide more of these “intellectual reasoning” of yours, then I suggest you write a whole thesis about Foreign men Chinese women relationships and submit that to a leading university for publication. That way every intricacy of these so-called relationships can be addressed and acknowledged. This is just a BLOG, obviously Brandon the author wrote this based on his general observations, which unfortunately to your disliking, portray the mass majority of foreign men as sleazy ones.
Digrarch
Asian women are extremely feminine & the ones i have known were
stone gorgeous.I have found thai,japanese,korean,chinese & filipina to
be the most alluring
thank you for this article! finally a male voice that seems to “get it”. as we evolve we are meant to bring our animal selves into alignment with our human/cognitive selves…so our desires come into service of what is best for us as a whole human beings, as well as what is best for society. thank you for giving me hope that men are, in fact, evolving alongside women. forming partnerships of equals is the only way we will solve many of the world’s current issues.
On the other hand, if you see sex as a transcendental experience (often it must be kept secret, though,) it can unite our animal and human/cognitive sides.