He did what society told him a husband and father should do to support his family until dread for his job prodded him to make a courageous change.
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Sunday nights were turning into a nightmare. I felt a sense of dread beginning in the afternoon and becoming stronger and stronger until I couldn’t take it anymore. My mood shifted from one of happiness to loathing. My family’s mood spiraled downward, as well.
Not only am I a man, husband, and father, but I am also a co-leader of my family with my wife. My career began taking its toll on the feelings and attitudes of my wife and daughters, as well as my own. This was simply not acceptable and I realized a career change was in order.
My career began taking its toll on the feelings and attitudes of my wife and daughters, as well as my own.
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Moving from one career to another in an entirely different field was one of the toughest things I ever attempted to do. There are the fundamental problems of trying to break into a different industry; you have to have the right experience, education, and knowledge just to get your foot in the door.
A bigger and more personal problem is the relationship a man has with his job and how that affects him. Not only how a guy feels about his job, but also how he feels others perceive his worth. You would think in the year 2016 it would be easy for a man to choose a job based on what he enjoys, yet our society still judges a man’s success based on his career.
If the man is the top earner in his primary relationship and is unhappy with his work, too bad! He must simply do what he needs to do to support his family and not grumble about it. If he is not the breadwinner, then he is simply not the man at all. When men are criticized, these social norms are made more evident.
The target is seldom his physical appearance, but his standing in his profession and if he is perceived to be a success.
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Women’s physical features seem to be the go-to target when attacking a female. People will talk about weight, hair, and other features to bring her down. Attacking a male? The target is seldom his physical appearance, but his standing in his profession and if he is perceived to be a success.
When I began my transition out of my management position to move toward a new career as a professional coach, I started noticing society’s perception of a man’s worth. I almost immediately began to feel as if I would be letting my family down if I were to take a lower-paying, non-managerial position, even if I were in a better mood daily and in turn not letting my negative attitude toward my current profession seep into our home life!
But those deeply-ingrained feelings of needing to be seen as the primary provider for my family continue to gnaw at me. I know that as I focus on improving my new business–and in turn the profits from the business–my wife may be earning more money than I am. Although I know I am creating a business that will allow me to spend more quality time with my family, I still feel as if I am not fulfilling my manly duty of providing.
It has been a tough road, but I have had to tell myself repeatedly that I want to be judged how great a man I am by my how I take care of those I love, not by my career. By repeating this mantra, I have been able to buckle down and focus on making my dream job a reality.
Since I began this new career journey, my Sunday nights are not filled with the feelings of impending doom, as they were before.
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Although I likely will continue to struggle with how this career change makes me feel as a man, I know it is right for my family. I will give people who want the opportunity to judge my manliness plenty of ammunition. I know I will soon internally criticize our society’s manbox as unreasonable.
I’m not sure where my career change will go. If my business doesn’t grow as I anticipate, I may have to revert to a similar position to those I held in the past. What I do know is this: Since I began this new career journey, my Sunday nights are not filled with the feelings of impending doom, as they were before. My family has noticed my happier moods, and they’re good with that.
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Photo credit: Flickr/gail